Author Topic: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married  (Read 12888 times)

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veronaz

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #45 on: May 12, 2014, 04:35:54 PM »
OP, as you said, you don’t have a dog in the “fight” (whatever the fight is).  Why are you even concerned with the woman’s relationship or what she posts on FB?

I also don’t understand the relevance of her weight loss, compliments from men, her being the (past) church secretary, her DH going to your church………

How does all this affect you?   ???

ladyknight1

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #46 on: May 12, 2014, 04:57:37 PM »
I would say it's pretty premature to announce you're in a new relationship before you have official separated. That is, of course, my own opinion, but after all, that's all we're offering here.

POD.

Marriage is a social construct. Facebook is a social media platform. Publicizing your new boyfriend before you've started the process of legally ending your marriage is not socially acceptable, at least where I am.

MrTango

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I don't think this is an etiquette issue.

It's her relationship and her Facebook. I'm not sure why people outside of her relationship would care about her status.

I agree.  This is a relationship issue, rather than an etiquette issue.  Of course, I wouldn't be at all surprised if her STBX's lawyer is trolling her FB page for things he can use against her when it comes to determining custody/alimony arrangements.

wolfie

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #48 on: May 12, 2014, 05:13:05 PM »
I would say it's pretty premature to announce you're in a new relationship before you have official separated. That is, of course, my own opinion, but after all, that's all we're offering here.

POD.

Marriage is a social construct. Facebook is a social media platform. Publicizing your new boyfriend before you've started the process of legally ending your marriage is not socially acceptable, at least where I am.


We don't know if she has or hasn't. In some states you need to be separated for a year before you are allowed to file for divorce.  If she is in one of those states then she has started the process. Plus unless you troll the courts or outright ask you have no idea if she has or hasn't filed divorce papers.

bah12

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #49 on: May 12, 2014, 05:22:29 PM »
I would say it's pretty premature to announce you're in a new relationship before you have official separated. That is, of course, my own opinion, but after all, that's all we're offering here.

POD.

Marriage is a social construct. Facebook is a social media platform. Publicizing your new boyfriend before you've started the process of legally ending your marriage is not socially acceptable, at least where I am.

I'm not sure how anyone not close to them would know that though.  Some separations are just 'breaks' while the couple evaluates their personal feelings on whether or not to continue or end a marriage.  Others are just the first step to divorce.  I also believe that 'legal' separations, in some states, are just as complicated as divorces with separating assets, child custody arrangements, filing court documents, etc, so many couples choose not to go that route and just separate and file for divorce. 

The legal issue is different than the social one.  Publicizing a new relationship, while not yet fully divorced, (with or without FB) may very well be socially unacceptable in many circles and I think it's perfectly ok for her to feel the social consequences of that behavior.
If you don't personally agree with it, then it's fine to back off the friendship.

That does not mean however, that your particular view, or that of your social circle is universal.  It also does not mean that she is wrong for how she chooses to move on or what her timeline is...and this even if her STBX doesn't agree or like it.  Every relationship is different and I don't care how close you are to one or both members of a couple, I think it's pretty much impossible to understand all the in and outs of their relationship

We can choose to dissaciate with those we diapprove of, but  I don't think we can say "this is the only way you are allowed to behave" and expect them to change to please us.  While I personally have strong feelings about when it would be ok to start a new relationship after an old one has ended, I don't think it's my place to expect or demand that behavior of everyone else.  My feelings guide how I behave and they guide who I choose to associate with.  Outside of that, it's not my place or my business.

EllenS

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #50 on: May 12, 2014, 09:33:44 PM »
My only thought about this - as someone who used to work in a divorce mediation practice - is if someone is publicizing a new relationship 5 months into a marital separation, the other party in the new relationship is in for a much rockier road than they may have bargained for. 

purple

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #51 on: May 13, 2014, 02:37:41 AM »
I think this falls squarely in the category of not your business.

Forget about it.  It's a relationship status on a Facebook page - who cares? It's not your job to go around judging what other people do in their own relationships.

My relationship status says I'm single on Facebook, even though I'm actually happily married.  People can think what they want about that.  If anybody passes any judgements I'll tell them that a) it's none of their business and b) they just missed a really good opportunity to shut up.

Corvid

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #52 on: May 13, 2014, 07:43:38 AM »
Personally, I would roll my eyes and go about my business but I consider it as both tacky and stupid.

Psychopoesie

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #53 on: May 13, 2014, 08:05:45 AM »
Count me in as one who doesn't see the fb status as any of my business.

I really try to keep out of other people's relationships beyond offering a shoulder for a friend to cry on during a break up.

I'd be upset for any friend who was treated badly by their STBX. If that person cheated and lied, I'd probably rethink my relationship with them. I'd also feel for any kids involved - what a really tough time.

But I don't get any of that from a fb status.

All fb tells me is that the person concerned is communicating that their marriage is over and a new significant relationship has started. Better it's honest and out in the open, if so. If I disapproved strongly about what someone was doing, I wouldn't stay fb friends.

My view is probably coloured by how church women treated my mother, a divorcee, back in the early 70s. There was a lot more stigma back then apparently. The church women treated her like some sort of scarlet woman. She wasn't even allowed to help out with Sunday school because of how they judged a divorcee. I remember how much that upset her.

So I'd at least try to cut someone some slack, even if I wasn't totally comfortable about the life decisions they were making.






Sharnita

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #54 on: May 13, 2014, 08:13:44 AM »
Well, on one hand I agree about "why would people outside your relationship care about your status" but then the stunningly obvious question is "why post a relationship status for people outside your relationship to see?".

Posting it kind of invites people to consider it their business.

ladyknight1

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #55 on: May 13, 2014, 08:19:11 AM »
Especially since Facebook does not prompt users to update those fields.

Similar to this story, I have a friend who is separated from her husband and she has told me they are never going to change their marital status legally. They are in their 70s and that is their choice. I fully support that choice.

Goosey

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #56 on: May 13, 2014, 08:21:20 AM »
I don't think it's anybody's business to judge her - especially people who only have the vaguest idea of what's going on. Let her live her life. If you don't want to be involved in something you consider immoral, hide her feed. Don't feed the drama.

marcel

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #57 on: May 13, 2014, 10:37:20 AM »
Well, on one hand I agree about "why would people outside your relationship care about your status" but then the stunningly obvious question is "why post a relationship status for people outside your relationship to see?".

Posting it kind of invites people to consider it their business.
Because it is helpfull for the people to socialize with.

If I know the relationship status of my friends, I know what to say ot not say to them when I meet up with them, which prevents me from saying things that are hutfull and helps me ask about the right person.

If I haven't seen or spoken with people for a while, I will oftne check their facebook before seeing them again, just to check if there have been any major events in their life.

This does not mean that I judge their facebook status in anyway. I am completely of the opinion that your relationship with other people is only your business and the business of the other people. Having a relationship with 1, 2, 5, 10 people? eternaly single? Cheating on your husband? I don't care, I believe it is neither right nor wrong, it is simply non of my business, except for knowing what you and I can or can not talk about and what you will share with me and others.
Wherever you go..... There you are.

Sharnita

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #58 on: May 13, 2014, 10:51:48 AM »
We differ there. A lot of people are going to differ there. There is a good chance I sat and witnessed "your" vows, Iincluding vows to forsake all others.  "You" can't reasonably invite people in, expect them to step out, invite people in, expect them to step out over and over. If you want to keep your business private and free from comentary from others then refraining from announcing it on fb is an obvious first step.

bah12

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #59 on: May 13, 2014, 10:59:47 AM »
Well, on one hand I agree about "why would people outside your relationship care about your status" but then the stunningly obvious question is "why post a relationship status for people outside your relationship to see?".

Posting it kind of invites people to consider it their business.

I think there's a big difference between knowledge and business.  Posting something on FB is for knowledge.  You can know my relationship status, but it doesn't make it your business to tell me how I handle that relationship or even whether or not I should be in it.  You knowing something doesn't give you that right.  And I shouldn't have to keep every aspect of my personal life a secret just to get people to respect that it's personal and none of their business.