Author Topic: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married  (Read 13742 times)

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Sharnita

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #60 on: May 13, 2014, 11:02:03 AM »
There is yards of room between keeping it personal and posting it on facebook.

Redneck Gravy

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #61 on: May 13, 2014, 11:42:54 AM »
Again, I think Facebook etiquette has a totally different set of rules...

If you post your relationsh1p status information on Facebook you invite others to comment and share their opinions.  If you don't want to see anything negative about your information - don't post it.

To me, once again, Facebook has become a dirty laundry basket for all the world to see.   


veronaz

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #62 on: May 13, 2014, 11:43:27 AM »
If OP and her daughter are bothered by BFF's posts they can easily block/hide her posts and move on.  They don't have to read them or concern themselves with BFF's relationship(s) at all.

Kaymar

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #63 on: May 13, 2014, 11:47:28 AM »
If OP and her daughter are bothered by BFF's posts they can easily block/hide her posts and move on.  They don't have to read them or concern themselves with BFF's relationship(s) at all.

Exactly.  I really don't think clicking "in a relationship" on Facebook amounts to flaunting intimate personal details, but if someone else does, there are many ways to avoid being confronted with this information.  It generally won't even show up in your news feed unless you happen to be online right around when a status change is made, so you pretty much have to look for it by going to that person's page.

gollymolly2

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #64 on: May 13, 2014, 11:54:12 AM »
Well, on one hand I agree about "why would people outside your relationship care about your status" but then the stunningly obvious question is "why post a relationship status for people outside your relationship to see?".

Posting it kind of invites people to consider it their business.

But they're ending the marriage, which was the biggest vow at all. And it seems like there's no judgment for people separating/divorcing, even though that's a major break of the vows. There's just judgment if others perceive that one person is moving on too quickly.

English1

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #65 on: May 13, 2014, 12:08:11 PM »
Crumbs I wonder why you'd all make of me, then.

My husband and I split up in 1996. We've been saying recently we really must get around to sorting out the divorce this year.

We are both living with new people.

I don't think it's anyone else's business what we did once we split up; in our minds the marriage was over, dead, finished, gone at that point. We just haven't got around to the paperwork bit yet.

'Of course this can impact proceedings with those kids, as it should.' I'm really shocked that some of you are saying her relationship and any possible infidelity may have an effect on the arrangements/custody of the children, and seem to support that idea. Really, really, shocked. I see no connection between the two things, at all.

Over here in the UK we moved away from the idea of 'custody' completely. No parent 'gets' the children. Our approach is that the children 'get' the parents and contact/residency that is best for the children themselves. Reducing the child's contact with a parent because of a new relationship (or even an affair) would be seen as cruel to the child and denying them the right to see and maintain an relationship with that parent. The only things that might restrict the child's access (not the parents, see it's a different viewpoint) is things that endanger the child or have a negative effect on their personal welfare.

bah12

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #66 on: May 13, 2014, 12:13:23 PM »
If OP and her daughter are bothered by BFF's posts they can easily block/hide her posts and move on.  They don't have to read them or concern themselves with BFF's relationship(s) at all.

Exactly.  I really don't think clicking "in a relationship" on Facebook amounts to flaunting intimate personal details, but if someone else does, there are many ways to avoid being confronted with this information.  It generally won't even show up in your news feed unless you happen to be online right around when a status change is made, so you pretty much have to look for it by going to that person's page.

I agree.  Again you (general) are free to your opinions and free to let those opinions guide who is and isn't in your life.  But, having freedom to choose who to associate with does not give you the right to expect that those that don't meet your standards will change because you happen to think they are wrong.  Or even that those people are obligated to listen to you tell them what's wrong with their decisions.

An "in a relationship" status and a picture is not an invite for negative comment and it's not the same as posting a strong opinion that people will naturally react to.  It's not a post that is normally put up to invite discussion.  It's part of the profile, no different than posting your religion, interest status, job, and college.  I don't expect people to go looking at my profile information and then deciding that because it's there, they have a right to tell me what's wrong with it.  Posting that I'm "Christian" is not an invite for a religious debate.  It's not your business.  It's not your life.  If you don't like that, fine...hide, unfriend, whatever.  But feeling that you have the right to tell anyone how to live their life is wrong. 

Redneck Gravy

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FB etiquette is totally different from real life etiquette IMO

I cannot stand to see someone's dirty laundry aired on FB, this is another one of those instances.  I will select the "hide posts" from this person for awhile if I can figure it out. 

I personally think it is rude to date someone else while a divorce is in the works and I think there are exceptions to that thought too.  If you leave your spouse for another, file for divorce and then paste pictures of you and new friend all over FB that's rude.  If you and your spouse have been separated for months/years and then you file for divorce, start dating someone and post it on FB that's a different situation.  I certainly think each situation is unique.

Most of the time we don't know the whole story and it's none of our business anyway but I don't think that means we can't have an opinion either.  It's like trying to be on a jury but only hearing half the facts.   

 

English 1  - if I'm forced to share my opinion it's the one above

The truth is I've learned a new phrase lately.  When someone asks what I think about something that is none of my business and I haven't given it much thought, I say, "I Don't.  I don't think anything about it, I'm too busy with my own crud right now to think about that situation."

Sure, I'm as guilty as the next person of having an opinion on things that aren't my concern but thanks to eHell I've learned when to shut my mouth.

 

ladyknight1

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #68 on: May 13, 2014, 12:26:25 PM »
If OP and her daughter are bothered by BFF's posts they can easily block/hide her posts and move on.  They don't have to read them or concern themselves with BFF's relationship(s) at all.

Exactly.  I really don't think clicking "in a relationship" on Facebook amounts to flaunting intimate personal details, but if someone else does, there are many ways to avoid being confronted with this information.  It generally won't even show up in your news feed unless you happen to be online right around when a status change is made, so you pretty much have to look for it by going to that person's page.

I see relationship status update posts all the time on facebook. Some are hours to days old. I have 300+ friends, so it isn't for lack of other posts.

Kaymar

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #69 on: May 13, 2014, 12:31:23 PM »
If OP and her daughter are bothered by BFF's posts they can easily block/hide her posts and move on.  They don't have to read them or concern themselves with BFF's relationship(s) at all.

Exactly.  I really don't think clicking "in a relationship" on Facebook amounts to flaunting intimate personal details, but if someone else does, there are many ways to avoid being confronted with this information.  It generally won't even show up in your news feed unless you happen to be online right around when a status change is made, so you pretty much have to look for it by going to that person's page.

I see relationship status update posts all the time on facebook. Some are hours to days old. I have 300+ friends, so it isn't for lack of other posts.

Your friends must change their relationship status a lot more than mine do, then!

ladyknight1

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #70 on: May 13, 2014, 12:38:07 PM »
It could just be facebook wierdness, but I have a lot of family members getting engaged.  ;)

Mikayla

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #71 on: May 13, 2014, 01:18:03 PM »
For some reason, this thread keeps reminding me of the one about A, B and C, where one of the men keeps bringing someone besides his wife to their gathering, and it's making people uncomfortable.

Sure, there's a difference between posting photos on FB and showing up with someone you're not married to, but...what actually is the difference?  How does it get articulated?  This is why I totally disagree with people saying it's not about etiquette.  Of course it is.  The issue isn't about the morality of their relationship; it's about how to handle it vis a vis others in a way that's least likely to be hurtful.  In OPs scenario, sure the husband, the kids, his family and friends can block or hide, but by the time they know to do this, the damage has been done. 

The way I see it, it becomes the business of others when it gets presented to them.  Just a theoretical, but if you (general) went to a party and a married man showed up with someone besides his wife, and his wife is a fairly good friend of yours...does it become your business?  Is the guy at this party on solid ground because it's nobody's business what his marriage is like?  Sure, the analogy isn't perfect, but some basic principles still apply.   It's very possible people close to the husband found this distasteful or upsetting.  In that case, how can it be good etiquette?

I know my viewpoint is a minority one, but I still find the differing POV's pretty fascinating!

wolfie

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #72 on: May 13, 2014, 02:08:11 PM »
For some reason, this thread keeps reminding me of the one about A, B and C, where one of the men keeps bringing someone besides his wife to their gathering, and it's making people uncomfortable.

Sure, there's a difference between posting photos on FB and showing up with someone you're not married to, but...what actually is the difference?  How does it get articulated?  This is why I totally disagree with people saying it's not about etiquette.  Of course it is.  The issue isn't about the morality of their relationship; it's about how to handle it vis a vis others in a way that's least likely to be hurtful.  In OPs scenario, sure the husband, the kids, his family and friends can block or hide, but by the time they know to do this, the damage has been done. 

The way I see it, it becomes the business of others when it gets presented to them.  Just a theoretical, but if you (general) went to a party and a married man showed up with someone besides his wife, and his wife is a fairly good friend of yours...does it become your business?  Is the guy at this party on solid ground because it's nobody's business what his marriage is like?  Sure, the analogy isn't perfect, but some basic principles still apply.   It's very possible people close to the husband found this distasteful or upsetting.  In that case, how can it be good etiquette?

I know my viewpoint is a minority one, but I still find the differing POV's pretty fascinating!

The big difference between the two threads is that in the one you mentioned the man is saying he is married and his marriage is in good standing while showing up with someone else. In this thread the woman is saying the marriage is over and is showing up with a new man.  That is a HUGE difference and it makes a difference in how I see people. relationships and marriages end. It's sad but it is a fact. It's how you handle it that makes the difference.

TootsNYC

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #73 on: May 13, 2014, 03:05:59 PM »
For some reason, this thread keeps reminding me of the one about A, B and C, where one of the men keeps bringing someone besides his wife to their gathering, and it's making people uncomfortable.

Sure, there's a difference between posting photos on FB and showing up with someone you're not married to, but...what actually is the difference?  How does it get articulated?  This is why I totally disagree with people saying it's not about etiquette.  Of course it is.  The issue isn't about the morality of their relationship; it's about how to handle it vis a vis others in a way that's least likely to be hurtful.  In OPs scenario, sure the husband, the kids, his family and friends can block or hide, but by the time they know to do this, the damage has been done. 

The way I see it, it becomes the business of others when it gets presented to them.  Just a theoretical, but if you (general) went to a party and a married man showed up with someone besides his wife, and his wife is a fairly good friend of yours...does it become your business?  Is the guy at this party on solid ground because it's nobody's business what his marriage is like?  Sure, the analogy isn't perfect, but some basic principles still apply.   It's very possible people close to the husband found this distasteful or upsetting.  In that case, how can it be good etiquette?

I know my viewpoint is a minority one, but I still find the differing POV's pretty fascinating!

I think I love you!

(I won't put it up on Facebook, though.)


Quote
The big difference between the two threads is that in the one you mentioned the man is saying he is married and his marriage is in good standing while showing up with someone else. In this thread the woman is saying the marriage is over and is showing up with a new man.  That is a HUGE difference and it makes a difference in how I see people. relationships and marriages end. It's sad but it is a fact. It's how you handle it that makes the difference.

This is a pretty good point; it's why it wouldn't bother me w/ people in which the estrangement is acknowledged by both parties, and of somewhat long standing. I don't know why the timeframe matters so much to me, as the person dealing with the etiquette issues of the onlooker. But it does.
   I guess I feel like there's a certain amount of hurt when a marriage breaks up. And until people have been given a theoretically decent amount of time to deal with the worst of that ain, I don't think happy new relationships should be made public.
   I feel as though I've been forced to witness someone being disrespectful--either to the institution of marriage (by seeming to discard it so easily) or to their actual spouse.
   That's the reaction I have.

I'm not saying it's some arbitrary etiquette rule that's set in stone. I'm just saying those are the instincts that make me think the OP's example has acted in bad form.

wolfie

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #74 on: May 13, 2014, 03:11:03 PM »
For some reason, this thread keeps reminding me of the one about A, B and C, where one of the men keeps bringing someone besides his wife to their gathering, and it's making people uncomfortable.

Sure, there's a difference between posting photos on FB and showing up with someone you're not married to, but...what actually is the difference?  How does it get articulated?  This is why I totally disagree with people saying it's not about etiquette.  Of course it is.  The issue isn't about the morality of their relationship; it's about how to handle it vis a vis others in a way that's least likely to be hurtful.  In OPs scenario, sure the husband, the kids, his family and friends can block or hide, but by the time they know to do this, the damage has been done. 

The way I see it, it becomes the business of others when it gets presented to them.  Just a theoretical, but if you (general) went to a party and a married man showed up with someone besides his wife, and his wife is a fairly good friend of yours...does it become your business?  Is the guy at this party on solid ground because it's nobody's business what his marriage is like?  Sure, the analogy isn't perfect, but some basic principles still apply.   It's very possible people close to the husband found this distasteful or upsetting.  In that case, how can it be good etiquette?

I know my viewpoint is a minority one, but I still find the differing POV's pretty fascinating!

I think I love you!

(I won't put it up on Facebook, though.)


Quote
The big difference between the two threads is that in the one you mentioned the man is saying he is married and his marriage is in good standing while showing up with someone else. In this thread the woman is saying the marriage is over and is showing up with a new man.  That is a HUGE difference and it makes a difference in how I see people. relationships and marriages end. It's sad but it is a fact. It's how you handle it that makes the difference.

This is a pretty good point; it's why it wouldn't bother me w/ people in which the estrangement is acknowledged by both parties, and of somewhat long standing. I don't know why the timeframe matters so much to me, as the person dealing with the etiquette issues of the onlooker. But it does.
   I guess I feel like there's a certain amount of hurt when a marriage breaks up. And until people have been given a theoretically decent amount of time to deal with the worst of that ain, I don't think happy new relationships should be made public.
   I feel as though I've been forced to witness someone being disrespectful--either to the institution of marriage (by seeming to discard it so easily) or to their actual spouse.
   That's the reaction I have.

I'm not saying it's some arbitrary etiquette rule that's set in stone. I'm just saying those are the instincts that make me think the OP's example has acted in bad form.


The people who need to deal with that pain are the people in the relationship. I really don't think it is right to tell someone they can't move on with their life because you (someone who is a few degrees away from the relationship) aren't ready to deal with their marriage breaking up.  You have no idea what went on in that marriage and to try to deny someone happiness because they aren't adhering to some arbitrary time frame is cruel.