Author Topic: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married  (Read 13042 times)

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bah12

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #75 on: May 13, 2014, 03:24:31 PM »
But posting it on FB isn't showing up at your door uninvited.  It just isn't and comparing the two is just silly. 

Like I said before, it's profile information.  What am I ok with people knowing about me.  I'm ok with people knowing that I am married with one child, where I went to school, and what I do for living.  I'm comfortable with them knowing my religious affiliation.  Me feeling comfortable with you knowing these things about me, does not give you the right, or make it polite, to openly judge me on it or make it your business.   If there is something about my profile that makes you uncomfortable, then the only thing left for you to do is choose whether or not you still want to be my friend.  I seriously doubt that you would say it is polite to start a religious or political debate with someone simply because their preference is on FB, so why is it ok for relationships?

I am just as uncomfortable and disagree with starting new relationships before there is a clear break in the old one as the next person.  I don't like it and I wouldn't want to be seen as tolerant of it.  However, I still don't believe that it's my place to tell anyone else what they can or can't do...and especially, when like in the OP, I really don't know the nuances of the situation.  I can certainly say "Ok, that makes me uncomfortable and I am going to distance myself from her", but ridiculous to expect that my feelings are universal, make her automatically 'wrong', or think that I have some right to tell her how to live her life.   My knowledge of something does not make it my business.  Being aware of something is just that...you're aware of it.  And that awareness is simply for you to choose how much you want or don't want to interact with that person. 

LadyL

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #76 on: May 13, 2014, 03:50:56 PM »
Count me in as one who doesn't see the fb status as any of my business.

I really try to keep out of other people's relationships beyond offering a shoulder for a friend to cry on during a break up.

All fb tells me is that the person concerned is communicating that their marriage is over and a new significant relationship has started. Better it's honest and out in the open, if so. If I disapproved strongly about what someone was doing, I wouldn't stay fb friends.=

Consider this - when my stepbrother and his wife had first split, he was still hoping to reconcile with her. She is also the godmother to my niece. We all found out that she was dating someone new through facebook (it was something like 3-5 months after they separated). It was not a very nice way to find out that she clearly didn't intend to stay in the marriage. Thankfully my niece is too young for facebook but if she had been, that is how she'd have learned that her godmother was not going to be part of the family any more.

She defriended me (and the rest of her ex-in laws) shortly after this which makes me suspect even more strongly that it was a statement, a kind of shot across the bow. Tacky, classless, and hurtful in my book (though it did make me think my stepbrother will be better off without her in the long run!).

bah12

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #77 on: May 13, 2014, 04:12:36 PM »
Count me in as one who doesn't see the fb status as any of my business.

I really try to keep out of other people's relationships beyond offering a shoulder for a friend to cry on during a break up.

All fb tells me is that the person concerned is communicating that their marriage is over and a new significant relationship has started. Better it's honest and out in the open, if so. If I disapproved strongly about what someone was doing, I wouldn't stay fb friends.=

Consider this - when my stepbrother and his wife had first split, he was still hoping to reconcile with her. She is also the godmother to my niece. We all found out that she was dating someone new through facebook (it was something like 3-5 months after they separated). It was not a very nice way to find out that she clearly didn't intend to stay in the marriage. Thankfully my niece is too young for facebook but if she had been, that is how she'd have learned that her godmother was not going to be part of the family any more.

She defriended me (and the rest of her ex-in laws) shortly after this which makes me suspect even more strongly that it was a statement, a kind of shot across the bow. Tacky, classless, and hurtful in my book (though it did make me think my stepbrother will be better off without her in the long run!).

I think there are some separate issues happening here.  First, your stepbrother hoping to reunite and his XW starting a new relationship is something that they, as a couple, needed to work out.  One of the reasons I don't like 'dating while separating' is because if I were in a situation where I was either dating a man that wasn't yet divorced, or was the person whose spouse was dating someone else, I wouldn't feel very respected.  Since I personally believe that committed relationships should happen only between two people, this is not something I would be ok doing myself and wouldn't feel comfortable knowing others are doing it.

That being said, what occurs between consenting adults is their own business and it's not my place to impose my views of what a healthy relationship looks like on them.  No matter how strongly I feel about it.  So, your stepbrother wanted to reconcile and I can see, as a family member, how hurtful it would be to watch him get his heart broken.  And I can even see where that would sour your impression of your SIL.  But that doesn't mean that she's obligated to keep her feelings secret.  Clearly, she didn't want to reconcile and while I do think she should have said something to her husband and maybe your niece's parents since she's the godmother to their child, first, I do not agree that she was wrong to post her relationship status, nor do I think she owed an explanation to anyone not directly affected by her actions.

As for your niece, I do not agree that her ending her marriage automatically means that she is no longer part of her life.  Her relationship with your niece is not and should not be tied to her relationship with your stepbrother.  Now, your niece's parents do have a say in how much they do or don't want her in their life based on their perception of her lifestyle, but that choice is theirs regardless of what she did or didn't post on FB.  The FB posting itself, has nothing to do with it.   
« Last Edit: May 13, 2014, 04:16:20 PM by bah12 »

lady_disdain

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #78 on: May 13, 2014, 07:35:03 PM »
Count me in as one who doesn't see the fb status as any of my business.

I really try to keep out of other people's relationships beyond offering a shoulder for a friend to cry on during a break up.

All fb tells me is that the person concerned is communicating that their marriage is over and a new significant relationship has started. Better it's honest and out in the open, if so. If I disapproved strongly about what someone was doing, I wouldn't stay fb friends.=

Consider this - when my stepbrother and his wife had first split, he was still hoping to reconcile with her. She is also the godmother to my niece. We all found out that she was dating someone new through facebook (it was something like 3-5 months after they separated). It was not a very nice way to find out that she clearly didn't intend to stay in the marriage. Thankfully my niece is too young for facebook but if she had been, that is how she'd have learned that her godmother was not going to be part of the family any more.

She defriended me (and the rest of her ex-in laws) shortly after this which makes me suspect even more strongly that it was a statement, a kind of shot across the bow. Tacky, classless, and hurtful in my book (though it did make me think my stepbrother will be better off without her in the long run!).

But how did you expect to find out? Certainly she isn't supposed to call everyone and say "guess what, I am moving on". Should people be gossiping about her and telling each other she has a new boyfriend? If I got divorced, my ex husband's stepsister would be quite low on the list of people I had to tell details to. I would expect the person who was directly related to share the news - your step brother, in this case - and I wouldn't really expect the other person to hold communication silence in her own life.

blarg314

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #79 on: May 13, 2014, 10:55:13 PM »
By any rules of traditional etiquette, publicising your new relationship when you're still legally married to someone else is definitely not okay.

The etiquette of new relationships after a marriage ends, though, is something that has changed significantly over the past 40 years, starting from the point where no-fault divorces because standard, and divorces became a lot more common. So I would say that starting a new relationship while separated, but before the legal divorce has finished, is no longer a breach of etiquette. But  not making it clear to your date that you're legally married to someone is, and if you and your soon-to-be ex spouse are anything but irreconcilably separated and actively proceeding to divorce, you do need to tell your spouse that there is zero chance of reconciliation before you go public with the new relationship.

However, there's a lot of stuff that might be okay from an etiquette perspective, but is still a bad idea from a personal perspective. Even setting aside the issue of rebound relationships, leaping into a heated new relationship with someone a few months out of a divorce when you've got kids who are still reeling from the breakup of their family is not a wise move - new relationships (or even active dating) take a lot of time and energy, which is usually directly taken away from the kids, who really need extra attention at this point rather than less.

And there's a separate issue when it comes to asking people to accept your new relationship. If you've publicly treated your ex badly (or appeared to), or the new relationship preceded a formal separation, and/or broke up the marriage, not everyone is going to flip a mental switch and accept your new squeeze with open arms and no judgement, no matter how happy you are now. This is even more pronounced for family members and close mutual friends, who had a close relationship with your ex.

And, in another direction, you may find that your friends and family aren't all that keen on how you act after the separation. If you go from being a reasonable responsible, mature parent to flinging yourself into single party life, complete with sexy new makeover (or fast new car), lots of clubbing and barhopping, and a string of flings or public make out sessions with a new flame, it shouldn't come as that big a surprise if your current social group isn't all that keen on hearing the details, or hanging out with you while you do this.

EllenS

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #80 on: May 14, 2014, 12:06:47 AM »
POD to blargh.

Etiquette has nothing to do with your personal thoughts on the way someone is conducting their life. You can observe someone's public behavior and have the opinion that they are being foolish, or tacky, or disrespectful to their spouse, or putting unnecessary strain on their kids, or having unreasonable expectations of what their friends can put up with.

You can't say anything about it, though. The idea of whether something is "your business" has been batted back and forth a good bit on this thread, whether someone is making their re1ationship "other people's business". 

I think there is a more useful phrase in this context - your place. Whether or not it is "your business" in the sense that it is public, it is still not your place to say anything to her, or about her to mutual friends. Discussing it in an anonymous chat forum is a good way to work off your feelings. Discussing it IRL with people who know the young lady? That would be gossip, which is rude.

purple

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #81 on: May 14, 2014, 12:23:49 AM »
For some reason, this thread keeps reminding me of the one about A, B and C, where one of the men keeps bringing someone besides his wife to their gathering, and it's making people uncomfortable.

Sure, there's a difference between posting photos on FB and showing up with someone you're not married to, but...what actually is the difference?  How does it get articulated?  This is why I totally disagree with people saying it's not about etiquette.  Of course it is.  The issue isn't about the morality of their relationship; it's about how to handle it vis a vis others in a way that's least likely to be hurtful.  In OPs scenario, sure the husband, the kids, his family and friends can block or hide, but by the time they know to do this, the damage has been done. 

The way I see it, it becomes the business of others when it gets presented to them.  Just a theoretical, but if you (general) went to a party and a married man showed up with someone besides his wife, and his wife is a fairly good friend of yours...does it become your business?  Is the guy at this party on solid ground because it's nobody's business what his marriage is like?  Sure, the analogy isn't perfect, but some basic principles still apply.   It's very possible people close to the husband found this distasteful or upsetting.  In that case, how can it be good etiquette?

I know my viewpoint is a minority one, but I still find the differing POV's pretty fascinating!

I think I love you!

(I won't put it up on Facebook, though.)


Quote
The big difference between the two threads is that in the one you mentioned the man is saying he is married and his marriage is in good standing while showing up with someone else. In this thread the woman is saying the marriage is over and is showing up with a new man.  That is a HUGE difference and it makes a difference in how I see people. relationships and marriages end. It's sad but it is a fact. It's how you handle it that makes the difference.

This is a pretty good point; it's why it wouldn't bother me w/ people in which the estrangement is acknowledged by both parties, and of somewhat long standing. I don't know why the timeframe matters so much to me, as the person dealing with the etiquette issues of the onlooker. But it does.
   I guess I feel like there's a certain amount of hurt when a marriage breaks up. And until people have been given a theoretically decent amount of time to deal with the worst of that ain, I don't think happy new relationships should be made public.
   I feel as though I've been forced to witness someone being disrespectful--either to the institution of marriage (by seeming to discard it so easily) or to their actual spouse.
   That's the reaction I have.

I'm not saying it's some arbitrary etiquette rule that's set in stone. I'm just saying those are the instincts that make me think the OP's example has acted in bad form.

What's a decent amount of time? How much hurt should there be?

I can tell you that I love my husband but there are certainly things he could do to make not love him in about 14 seconds flat - no time, no nothing - I'd be over him right there and then!

I think that's some pretty big assumptions to make, that people should be a certain amount of hurt and should take a certain amount of time.

However, I think that you're probably not alone in thinking the time frame matters and your thoughts are your thoughts and so long as you don't voice them, then that's not rude  :)

TootsNYC

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #82 on: May 14, 2014, 07:55:26 AM »
well, somebody's going to be a certain amount of hurt, no? If not you, then your DH that you don't love anymore. Or his parents, or yours, or your kids/pets (if you have 'em).

And there's a shock to the community when a marriage ends, bcs marriage is in a big way about the couple's relationship as a -unit- to the community.

I used the word "theoretically" to try to indicate that I don't think there's a set time, etc. The individual situation matters. Who you tell the news to (about dating again) matters.


I loved bah12's whole post!

LadyL

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #83 on: May 14, 2014, 08:40:04 AM »
Count me in as one who doesn't see the fb status as any of my business.

I really try to keep out of other people's relationships beyond offering a shoulder for a friend to cry on during a break up.

All fb tells me is that the person concerned is communicating that their marriage is over and a new significant relationship has started. Better it's honest and out in the open, if so. If I disapproved strongly about what someone was doing, I wouldn't stay fb friends.=

Consider this - when my stepbrother and his wife had first split, he was still hoping to reconcile with her. She is also the godmother to my niece. We all found out that she was dating someone new through facebook (it was something like 3-5 months after they separated). It was not a very nice way to find out that she clearly didn't intend to stay in the marriage. Thankfully my niece is too young for facebook but if she had been, that is how she'd have learned that her godmother was not going to be part of the family any more.

She defriended me (and the rest of her ex-in laws) shortly after this which makes me suspect even more strongly that it was a statement, a kind of shot across the bow. Tacky, classless, and hurtful in my book (though it did make me think my stepbrother will be better off without her in the long run!).

But how did you expect to find out? Certainly she isn't supposed to call everyone and say "guess what, I am moving on". Should people be gossiping about her and telling each other she has a new boyfriend? If I got divorced, my ex husband's stepsister would be quite low on the list of people I had to tell details to. I would expect the person who was directly related to share the news - your step brother, in this case - and I wouldn't really expect the other person to hold communication silence in her own life.

The problem is that as I understand it, HE found out via the facebook status as well, not from his then-wife directly. Sorry I wasn't clear. I remember it got posted right before some sort of family event and my stepmother saying at the event that John hadn't seen it yet and to not mention it to him, they were going to tell him before he saw it on FB. As I remember he was really upset when he was finally told, in particularly because "everyone" knew on FB before he did.

Corvid

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #84 on: May 14, 2014, 08:43:48 AM »
I don't know this (former) couple or anything about their relationship, so I won't make any judgment on that.  I don't know the wife's motivation for posting her relationship status either, whether it was strategic (a statement to the husband that the marriage is definitely over) or merely the typical "of course I must share every minute detail of my life with everybody, wheeeee!"  However, in general, I don't think it hurts to err on the side of tact, consideration, and discretion and I feel comfortable saying I don't see any of that from the wife in the situation as it has been described here.

ladyknight1

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #85 on: May 14, 2014, 08:59:32 AM »
POD Corvid.

I worked in a large retail store. We had a manager that was very friendly with the staff and came in with his wife one week to do shopping and his new girlfriend the next week, complete with PDAs. It made most of the employees uncomfortable, but what could we say? Nothing.


wolfie

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #86 on: May 14, 2014, 09:00:44 AM »
Count me in as one who doesn't see the fb status as any of my business.

I really try to keep out of other people's relationships beyond offering a shoulder for a friend to cry on during a break up.

All fb tells me is that the person concerned is communicating that their marriage is over and a new significant relationship has started. Better it's honest and out in the open, if so. If I disapproved strongly about what someone was doing, I wouldn't stay fb friends.=

Consider this - when my stepbrother and his wife had first split, he was still hoping to reconcile with her. She is also the godmother to my niece. We all found out that she was dating someone new through facebook (it was something like 3-5 months after they separated). It was not a very nice way to find out that she clearly didn't intend to stay in the marriage. Thankfully my niece is too young for facebook but if she had been, that is how she'd have learned that her godmother was not going to be part of the family any more.

She defriended me (and the rest of her ex-in laws) shortly after this which makes me suspect even more strongly that it was a statement, a kind of shot across the bow. Tacky, classless, and hurtful in my book (though it did make me think my stepbrother will be better off without her in the long run!).

But how did you expect to find out? Certainly she isn't supposed to call everyone and say "guess what, I am moving on". Should people be gossiping about her and telling each other she has a new boyfriend? If I got divorced, my ex husband's stepsister would be quite low on the list of people I had to tell details to. I would expect the person who was directly related to share the news - your step brother, in this case - and I wouldn't really expect the other person to hold communication silence in her own life.

The problem is that as I understand it, HE found out via the facebook status as well, not from his then-wife directly. Sorry I wasn't clear. I remember it got posted right before some sort of family event and my stepmother saying at the event that John hadn't seen it yet and to not mention it to him, they were going to tell him before he saw it on FB. As I remember he was really upset when he was finally told, in particularly because "everyone" knew on FB before he did.

HE also wouldn't be the first person to think that they could work things out after being told that she has no desire to do that and only gets it once he sees evidence that she has moved on. Unless you are close enough to talk to him about the relationship (and from your post is sounds like you aren't) you really have no idea wether he was blindsided or just wishful thinking that couldn't be held onto anymore.

LadyL

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #87 on: May 14, 2014, 09:13:32 AM »
Count me in as one who doesn't see the fb status as any of my business.

I really try to keep out of other people's relationships beyond offering a shoulder for a friend to cry on during a break up.

All fb tells me is that the person concerned is communicating that their marriage is over and a new significant relationship has started. Better it's honest and out in the open, if so. If I disapproved strongly about what someone was doing, I wouldn't stay fb friends.=

Consider this - when my stepbrother and his wife had first split, he was still hoping to reconcile with her. She is also the godmother to my niece. We all found out that she was dating someone new through facebook (it was something like 3-5 months after they separated). It was not a very nice way to find out that she clearly didn't intend to stay in the marriage. Thankfully my niece is too young for facebook but if she had been, that is how she'd have learned that her godmother was not going to be part of the family any more.

She defriended me (and the rest of her ex-in laws) shortly after this which makes me suspect even more strongly that it was a statement, a kind of shot across the bow. Tacky, classless, and hurtful in my book (though it did make me think my stepbrother will be better off without her in the long run!).

But how did you expect to find out? Certainly she isn't supposed to call everyone and say "guess what, I am moving on". Should people be gossiping about her and telling each other she has a new boyfriend? If I got divorced, my ex husband's stepsister would be quite low on the list of people I had to tell details to. I would expect the person who was directly related to share the news - your step brother, in this case - and I wouldn't really expect the other person to hold communication silence in her own life.

The problem is that as I understand it, HE found out via the facebook status as well, not from his then-wife directly. Sorry I wasn't clear. I remember it got posted right before some sort of family event and my stepmother saying at the event that John hadn't seen it yet and to not mention it to him, they were going to tell him before he saw it on FB. As I remember he was really upset when he was finally told, in particularly because "everyone" knew on FB before he did.

HE also wouldn't be the first person to think that they could work things out after being told that she has no desire to do that and only gets it once he sees evidence that she has moved on. Unless you are close enough to talk to him about the relationship (and from your post is sounds like you aren't) you really have no idea wether he was blindsided or just wishful thinking that couldn't be held onto anymore.

Sure, but the original comment I was responding to was that "someone's relationship status on facebook is none of my business." I think if you put information out there on social media by it's very nature, it affects your real life social circle (because usually they are one and the same - unless you like being friends with only robots on facebook or something). I would probably ignore an acquaintance declaring a relationship pre-divorce, but when it comes to family and friends, it can be quite a bombshell. 

bah12

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #88 on: May 14, 2014, 11:12:21 AM »
Count me in as one who doesn't see the fb status as any of my business.

I really try to keep out of other people's relationships beyond offering a shoulder for a friend to cry on during a break up.

All fb tells me is that the person concerned is communicating that their marriage is over and a new significant relationship has started. Better it's honest and out in the open, if so. If I disapproved strongly about what someone was doing, I wouldn't stay fb friends.=

Consider this - when my stepbrother and his wife had first split, he was still hoping to reconcile with her. She is also the godmother to my niece. We all found out that she was dating someone new through facebook (it was something like 3-5 months after they separated). It was not a very nice way to find out that she clearly didn't intend to stay in the marriage. Thankfully my niece is too young for facebook but if she had been, that is how she'd have learned that her godmother was not going to be part of the family any more.

She defriended me (and the rest of her ex-in laws) shortly after this which makes me suspect even more strongly that it was a statement, a kind of shot across the bow. Tacky, classless, and hurtful in my book (though it did make me think my stepbrother will be better off without her in the long run!).

But how did you expect to find out? Certainly she isn't supposed to call everyone and say "guess what, I am moving on". Should people be gossiping about her and telling each other she has a new boyfriend? If I got divorced, my ex husband's stepsister would be quite low on the list of people I had to tell details to. I would expect the person who was directly related to share the news - your step brother, in this case - and I wouldn't really expect the other person to hold communication silence in her own life.

The problem is that as I understand it, HE found out via the facebook status as well, not from his then-wife directly. Sorry I wasn't clear. I remember it got posted right before some sort of family event and my stepmother saying at the event that John hadn't seen it yet and to not mention it to him, they were going to tell him before he saw it on FB. As I remember he was really upset when he was finally told, in particularly because "everyone" knew on FB before he did.

HE also wouldn't be the first person to think that they could work things out after being told that she has no desire to do that and only gets it once he sees evidence that she has moved on. Unless you are close enough to talk to him about the relationship (and from your post is sounds like you aren't) you really have no idea wether he was blindsided or just wishful thinking that couldn't be held onto anymore.

Sure, but the original comment I was responding to was that "someone's relationship status on facebook is none of my business." I think if you put information out there on social media by it's very nature, it affects your real life social circle (because usually they are one and the same - unless you like being friends with only robots on facebook or something). I would probably ignore an acquaintance declaring a relationship pre-divorce, but when it comes to family and friends, it can be quite a bombshell.

Yes, it can be shocking and hurtful.  IF your SIL communicated to your stepbrother that she is moving on via a public FB post, then she was rude to him.  No doubt. 
But we aren't talking about communicated something to someone who is owed that communication privately, in a public forum.

What we are talking about is whether or not it's ok for someone, who is separated, to post about a new relationship.  The fact that it might send shock-waves through the community doesn't make it wrong. Neither does it make it wrong if your personal values don't agree with the action.  You don't have the right to tell adults what is and isn't ok for them to do.  You can't tell two consenting adults how to go about their relationship.  And you having some general awareness that they are together does not give you the right to make it your business nor does it mean they should pretend the relationship doesn't exist just because you don't like it.

If we go back to the OP, the question was something like "Isn't it polite for her to lay low until her divorce is final and not post about her relationship on FB".  And my answer would be, it would be smart for her to lay low if young children are involved or the divorce will get messy.  I cannot say whether or not she is being rude or polite, because I do not know what communication happened between her, her STBX, or her new boyfriend.  There are a myriad of things that she could do that would be rude in handling her divorce and the start of the relationship.  But the OP doesn't know what any of that is. This isn't her business and it's not her place to make it her business.  The fact that this woman posted something on FB doesn't play into the equation of whether or not she was rude.  Because FB isn't what would either make it rude or not rude. 

**All you's are generic**
 

Mikayla

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #89 on: May 14, 2014, 11:44:07 AM »
For some reason, this thread keeps reminding me of the one about A, B and C, where one of the men keeps bringing someone besides his wife to their gathering, and it's making people uncomfortable.

Sure, there's a difference between posting photos on FB and showing up with someone you're not married to, but...what actually is the difference?  How does it get articulated?  This is why I totally disagree with people saying it's not about etiquette.  Of course it is.  The issue isn't about the morality of their relationship; it's about how to handle it vis a vis others in a way that's least likely to be hurtful.  In OPs scenario, sure the husband, the kids, his family and friends can block or hide, but by the time they know to do this, the damage has been done. 

The way I see it, it becomes the business of others when it gets presented to them.  Just a theoretical, but if you (general) went to a party and a married man showed up with someone besides his wife, and his wife is a fairly good friend of yours...does it become your business?  Is the guy at this party on solid ground because it's nobody's business what his marriage is like?  Sure, the analogy isn't perfect, but some basic principles still apply.   It's very possible people close to the husband found this distasteful or upsetting.  In that case, how can it be good etiquette?

I know my viewpoint is a minority one, but I still find the differing POV's pretty fascinating!

I think I love you!

(I won't put it up on Facebook, though.)

Thank you.  The last thing I need is more status drama!

I also agree that wolfie raises a good point.  The problem, though, is this runs into the same brick wall that popped up in that wedding re-do thread.   In other words, someone can feel that their marriage is over, and that's nobody's business.  But marriage in the US is not a state of mind.  It has legal, societal, etiquette and even religious definitions and significance.  So when the couple no longer recognizes their own marriage, fine...but choices should be made keeping in mind that other entities very much recognize it.

I don't mean to sound tightly wrapped.  Heck, I have friends whose stories could be made into movies and people would say it was unrealistic, because this would never happen!  So it's not about personal relationship choices for me.  It's about the potential to make others uncomfortable or, where the kids in the OP are concerned, even worse.  And I think that's very much an etiquette issue.