Author Topic: Friend invited another friend....  (Read 6556 times)

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Samgirl2

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Friend invited another friend....
« on: May 21, 2014, 12:50:52 PM »
I have a friend (really!) who has a holiday/vacation dilemma.

Ally lives overseas (in my country, that's how I know her) and only visits home once a year, in the summer. Last year, her old school friend Betty suggested they go on a long weekend to the beach together while she was back on home soil. Ally says they had a great time, went out dancing, caught up with a lot of chatting, it was great.

This year, Betty suggests they do the same again when Ally goes home . Ally agrees.

Then, Betty mentions she has invited Carly, a friend of hers that Ally has not met.

Ally is not sure whether she wants to go now. She thinks Betty was out of line for inviting someone else without asking first.

Her reasons are:
- she wants to spend quality time with her old and dear friend Betty
- she's not sure about sharing a room with someone she doesn't know (she's not the most social of people, I will say that)
- the first night of the trip, Friday, is her birthday. Last year she and Betty went out for cocktails and then clubbing and she thinks it will be weird with a stranger.

Ally wonders whether to tell Betty to un-invite Carly; to request that Carly not arrive till Saturday, after her birthday; or decline the trip altogether and say she wants to spend more time visiting with her family.

(to note, they would all be sharing a suite as was already planned between Ally and Betty,so there is no added cost to Ally which was a query I had)


My personal opinion is Betty should have asked first but probably thinks Ally and Carly will get on and it will be a fun girls weekend. I think Ally should speak to Betty about it and then decide if she really wants to go, but not request that Carly arrive a day late. That would just be super awkward and rude to Carly.

Ally is lovely but can be a little neurotic and appear a bit anti-social sometimes. I wonder if Betty invited Carly to keep things light and fun!

PastryGoddess

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Re: Friend invited another friend....
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2014, 12:56:46 PM »
If Betty is the host and Ally is the guest, then Betty can invite whomever she wants.


If Ally and Betty are planning this together, then I think Betty should have run it by Ally first.


At this point Carly is invited and it would be rude to un-invite her.  So Ally needs to decide if she can live with hanging out with Betty and Carly, or if she is going to do her own thing.

buvezdevin

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Re: Friend invited another friend....
« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2014, 01:42:27 PM »
There are friends/family I will travel with and share a suite/hotel room, and those I will travel with but likely not wish to share a suite/room with for the comfort of all.

I would not be "okay" agreeing to travel, and share a room/suite with an additional person I had never met if - as it seems happened here - I was *told* after accepting an invitation that I would have an unknown to me "roomie".

In Ally's place, I would explain to Betty that I would enjoy a repeat of our prior trip, but am not interested in a trip with additional friend-of-Betty, though certain they are nice people.

While Ally cannot ask Betty to uninvite someone already invited, Ally is not obligated to honor her acceptance of an invitation from Betty which Betty has now materially changed.

If Ally decides to go ahead with the trip, I would suggest she mention to Betty that she is concerned about sharing a room/suite with someone she does not know - to make Betty aware of the concern - and ask Betty to consult with Ally before making any further plans for the trip.
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bloo

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Re: Friend invited another friend....
« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2014, 01:43:16 PM »
To me, a birthday is something generally celebrated with intimates, not strangers. It was rude of Betty to change the parameters of the visit afterward. I think it would be fine for Betty to tell Carly, "I'm sorry, but could you come after the b-day?" because of this.

However, if I was Ally, I'd just decline because the parameters changed. If Betty wants to know why, Ally can explain in a non-accusatory or upset way and then leave it to Betty to decide if she wants the parameters to go back or at least agree to have Carly come the day after the b-day.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Friend invited another friend....
« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2014, 01:57:15 PM »
Based on a one time event, Ally made the assumption that the parameters of the trip that Betty organized would be the same as the previous year. Unless Ally out right stated that "let's do exactly what we did last year" or made other statement to imply the group would remain the same, then I don't really fault Ally for organizing a holiday she would most enjoy.

I don't think she has the right to request Betty change her plans. However, if very uncomfortable she can beg to bow out stating she had thought the trip would be just the two of them again and is uncomfortable taking a holiday with a stranger.

Margo

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Re: Friend invited another friend....
« Reply #5 on: May 21, 2014, 02:06:56 PM »
I think it was thoughtless of Betty; a change from 2 to 3 people is a much bigger change to the dynamic than if there was one extra person added to a bigger group. And I think that whether or not one time is enough to establish a pattern, adding someone who will be sharing a room is without consulting everyone who will be in the room is rude and not OK.

I think in Ally's place, I would probably contact Betty, let her know that I wasn't comfortable sharing a room/suite with someone I don't know, and would see what her response was, and then decide whether to look into booking another, single room, and still going, or whether to withdraw (and perhaps see if t would be possible to arrange to meet up with Betty elsewhere during the time Ally is in the country)

I think Betty I now in an awkward position, as she would be rude to Carly if she were to un-invite her.

bloo

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Re: Friend invited another friend....
« Reply #6 on: May 21, 2014, 02:15:32 PM »
From the OP:

This year, Betty suggests they do the same again when Ally goes home . Ally agrees.

I don't think Ally made an assumption. To do the same thing as the previous year was offered by Betty and accepted by Ally.

I would decline based on sharing the hotel room with a stranger. I don't even celebrate birthdays anymore, but when I did, I wouldn't want to celebrate it with a close friend and a stranger.

I think Betty I now in an awkward position, as she would be rude to Carly if she were to un-invite her.

While it may be rude of Betty towards Carly, it's the best way, IMO to fix Betty's rudeness to Ally.

I'm not even sure it's rude towards Carly. I've mentioned this before but Miss Manners had to correct a LW that was angry that she couldn't bring strangers to a friend's bday party. Miss Manners explained that her friend letting her know she would be missed at her bday party was sparing her friends the embarrassment of celebrating something as intimate as a bday party with a stranger.

TootsNYC

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Re: Friend invited another friend....
« Reply #7 on: May 21, 2014, 02:21:02 PM »


This year, Betty suggests they do the same again when Ally goes home. Ally agrees.

Then,
Betty mentions she has invited Carly, a friend of hers that Ally has not met.



What's the time gap here?

Because if it's in the same phone conversation, then this isn't a change of plans; it's just that something had to be done first.

Lynn2000

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Re: Friend invited another friend....
« Reply #8 on: May 21, 2014, 02:36:27 PM »
I wouldn't want to share a hotel room with a stranger, either. That alone would make me say, "Hang on, that's not what I was expecting, and I'm not comfortable with it." Even if Betty is the host (and thus can invite who she wants), adding someone else to a hotel suite is something that she should have run by Ally before getting her agreement to the trip as a whole.

If Betty's primary aim is to spend time with Ally, then she shouldn't have asked Carly unless Ally agreed first. If Betty's primary aim is to spend time with Carly (or something other than spending time with Ally), she should have laid out the conditions of the trip in the initial conversation, not after Ally felt she was locked into an agreement.

The first thing I would do is voice my discomfort to Betty, and tell her that I don't agree to the trip as now planned. Then see what solutions she comes up with. For example, would it be possible and acceptable for all three women to have separate hotel rooms; and for them to sometimes do things all together, but sometimes Ally+Betty with Carly off on her own, and sometimes Betty+Carly with Ally off on her own?

Worst case scenario, Ally could pull out of the trip and I don't think she would be rude to do so, provided she gets on this quickly before other arrangements are set (if Betty currently thinks the Carly plan is fine).
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Outdoor Girl

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Re: Friend invited another friend....
« Reply #9 on: May 21, 2014, 02:48:20 PM »
I think asking Carly to hold off on arriving until after the birthday celebration is a good compromise, if Ally is willing.

'Betty, I thought this was just going to be you and I.  I'm not sure I'm comfortable having someone I don't know there, especially to celebrate my birthday.  I would be more comfortable if it was just you and I for Friday.  Maybe Carly could come down Saturday and we'll do [fun thing].'
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TootsNYC

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Re: Friend invited another friend....
« Reply #10 on: May 21, 2014, 03:11:00 PM »
I'm one of the people who wouldn't think it odd to share a hotel room with a stranger--mostly because this woman isn't a stranger. She's a friend of Betty's whom she hasn't met -yet-.

So I don't think it's so horrible of Betty to want to include both friends. Almost always, I like the friends of my friends. I'm certainly willing to give it a try.

auntmeegs

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Re: Friend invited another friend....
« Reply #11 on: May 21, 2014, 03:51:03 PM »
I'm one of the people who wouldn't think it odd to share a hotel room with a stranger--mostly because this woman isn't a stranger. She's a friend of Betty's whom she hasn't met -yet-.

So I don't think it's so horrible of Betty to want to include both friends. Almost always, I like the friends of my friends. I'm certainly willing to give it a try.

This is where I stand too. 

Lynn2000

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Re: Friend invited another friend....
« Reply #12 on: May 21, 2014, 03:59:24 PM »
I'm one of the people who wouldn't think it odd to share a hotel room with a stranger--mostly because this woman isn't a stranger. She's a friend of Betty's whom she hasn't met -yet-.

So I don't think it's so horrible of Betty to want to include both friends. Almost always, I like the friends of my friends. I'm certainly willing to give it a try.

Certainly, if Ally was comfortable with the arrangement, she could go along with it with no hesitation. But then there wouldn't be this thread!  ;D I think Ally is looking for assurance that it's okay to not be comfortable, that she doesn't have to go along with it in order to be polite. And I feel like it's okay for her to back out if she wants. That's really the only option that's under her control; she can put her concerns before Betty and ask her for other suggestions, but if Betty isn't willing to change anything, then backing out might be all Ally can do.
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Tea Drinker

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Re: Friend invited another friend....
« Reply #13 on: May 21, 2014, 04:01:13 PM »
I might be okay with sharing a hotel room with someone I hadn't met before, but I would do a little basic checking. I've sometimes done this at conventions, if I was considering sharing a room with people I knew (online or in person) but didn't consider intimates.

My basic memo on that is something like "I'm a morning person, and a casual nudist; you don't have to be either, but if seeing me without clothes in the morning or last thing at night would be a problem, we shouldn't share a room." I also wouldn't want to share with a smoker; can't share with someone with a serious cat allergy; and might need to discuss other things.

None of those possible incompatibilities make someone a bad person, and some of them are things Betty might not have thought of. I can know and like someone but not know whether they snore, or whether they wear pajamas, because those questions don't arise in most other contexts.
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camlan

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Re: Friend invited another friend....
« Reply #14 on: May 21, 2014, 04:08:44 PM »
I'm one of the people who wouldn't think it odd to share a hotel room with a stranger--mostly because this woman isn't a stranger. She's a friend of Betty's whom she hasn't met -yet-.

So I don't think it's so horrible of Betty to want to include both friends. Almost always, I like the friends of my friends. I'm certainly willing to give it a try.

I'd have no problem with meeting the friend of a friend. But for dinner, or at a party, or for coffee.

 Not sharing a hotel room right off the bat, or for my birthday. And certainly not on a long weekend away, where there would be no escape if I found out I didn't like the friend-of-a-friend.

It's one thing meeting a new person. It's another thing entirely meeting them and having to spend a long weekend with them with no means of getting away from them because you are sharing a room.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn