Wedding Bliss and Blues > Where Do I Start?

Commitment Ceremony odd update #50

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lowspark:

--- Quote from: turnip on July 09, 2014, 02:09:44 PM ---So to sum up - it's rude for the friends to have a commitment ceremony but having suggested that they might want one it is now rude for them to change their minds?  This board has put these poor friends in a lose/lose situation! ;-)

Possibly they floated the idea of a commitment ceremony among their social group and got much of the same response that the idea got here - that it's improper an offensive to have an imitation wedding ceremony if you are not legally married.   Backing off of that idea they've decided to wear simple rings - and are still getting flack!

If I was their friend I'd tell them life is too short to please everyone, and do whatever they wish.

--- End quote ---

I certainly didn't say either one was rude. I hadn't even commented on this thread until my speculation on OP's feelings about the cancellation of the ceremony.

Just to emphasize, my comments were about the OP's feelings, not about whether or not it was rude to cancel.

gellchom:

--- Quote from: turnip on July 09, 2014, 02:36:06 PM ---
--- Quote from: gellchom on July 09, 2014, 02:31:47 PM ---
--- Quote from: turnip on July 09, 2014, 02:09:44 PM ---So to sum up - it's rude for the friends to have a commitment ceremony but having suggested that they might want one it is now rude for them to change their minds?  This board has put these poor friends in a lose/lose situation! ;-)

Possibly they floated the idea of a commitment ceremony among their social group and got much of the same response that the idea got here - that it's improper an offensive to have an imitation wedding ceremony if you are not legally married.   Backing off of that idea they've decided to wear simple rings - and are still getting flack!

If I was their friend I'd tell them life is too short to please everyone, and do whatever they wish.

--- End quote ---
Where are you getting that?  I don't think anybody said either having or cancelling the commitment ceremony was "rude."  I certainly didn't.  As far as I am concerned, it's "win-win."

Nor did I hear of anyone giving them flak about their rings.  Having a reaction or being confused isn't giving someone flak.

They can, and should, and will, do whatever they wish.  Their loved ones will support them even if they think it's strange.  People can have opinions, or think something looks a little funny, without condemning them as rude or giving them flak -- with nothing more than an indulgent, loving smile.

--- End quote ---

OK - no one said it was rude.  But you, specifically, said that you'd feel jerked around and less likely to take them seriously.  I suppose I extrapolated "I'd feel jerked around" to "They were rude" but it didn't seem like a far leap to me.   It it's a 'win-win' then why are you still expressing so many negative feelings about the whole thing?


--- Quote ---That's what would make me feel a little jerked around if I were in the OP's place, or perhaps not jerked around, but less likely to take their professions of what is meaningful  quite as seriously, as they seem inclined to change their mind about it at whim.  Including, in this case, rings.

--- End quote ---

--- End quote ---
   
Like Lowspark, I was writing only about the OP's feelings and reactions, not about the couple's behavior.  In other words, we are talking about how we would feel in the OP's position, not what we think the couple should do. 

In the OP's place, my reaction would be to find it confusing and perhaps kind of flighty or a little capricious.  That's not the same as "rude."

Twik:

--- Quote from: Nikko-chan on July 08, 2014, 03:17:01 PM ---
--- Quote from: ladyknight1 on July 08, 2014, 03:14:38 PM ---How can they be called "wedding bands" without a wedding?

To me this sounds like kids playing house, not adults in a committed relationship.

--- End quote ---

This is what I was trying to articulate. That how can they be called wedding bands if they didn't you know, have a wedding. Or a ceremony of any sort.

--- End quote ---

People can make commitments without others in their vicinity.

Nikko-chan:

--- Quote from: gellchom on July 09, 2014, 01:00:43 PM ---
--- Quote from: lowspark on July 09, 2014, 10:47:45 AM ---
--- Quote from: Nikko-chan on July 08, 2014, 02:56:20 PM ---
--- Quote from: TurtleDove on July 08, 2014, 02:53:12 PM ---
--- Quote from: Nikko-chan on July 08, 2014, 02:51:21 PM ---So after getting together with them and doing some planning in the way of "This needs to be low key, etc." I find out last night they are deciding to just get wedding bands and wear them. What the what?

That just feels icky to me, though I won't say a word but..... am I the only person this feels off for?

--- End quote ---

So they are not doing the commitment ceremony at all anymore?

--- End quote ---

No. Which just leaves me so confused considering you know we were planning things and I was helping them with ideas and stuff!

--- End quote ---

I may be misinterpreting here, but this makes me think that your main issue is that you are having a hard time dealing with the cancelation of the ceremony. And that is completely understandable. You have invested not only time and effort into helping them, but you have also invested emotion. It sounds like you were entrenched in the planning of it and getting excited about it. In other words, you had a vested interest in seeing it through.

And now, they've gone and canceled it without so much as asking your opinion!

Now, obviously, it's totally their decision and it make sense that they made it without your input. But that doesn't lessen the emotional letdown you are now feeling.

So the fact that it was a commitment ceremony as opposed to a wedding might be a red herring here. If this were a couple who were planning a wedding, with you helping at the same level, and then they decided to cancel the wedding and just live together, you might be feeling the same exact way.

--- End quote ---

And that makes me think that the cancellation might be coloring the OP's feeling about the whole thing.  Sort of as if the couple had originally been treating the commitment ceremony as something serious and meaningful, a real transition to a different stage of life and status, even if not legally, and the OP, as their friend, was taking it seriously, too. 

But then they decide they aren't going to have the commitment ceremony -- not because they are breaking up or have decided they aren't ready for a permanent commitment: they apparently consider themselves just as committed without the ceremony, evidenced by their decision to wear those rings.  So now how meaningful ever was the commitment ceremony to them -- even though they expected people, including the OP, to take it? 

That's what would make me feel a little jerked around if I were in the OP's place, or perhaps not jerked around, but less likely to take their professions of what is meaningful  quite as seriously, as they seem inclined to change their mind about it at whim.  Including, in this case, rings.

I mean, suppose it were a regular wedding that a couple canceled, but then decided to wear rings.  I have to admit that I would find that peculiar, and wonder how much marriage ever meant to them in the first place.

--- End quote ---

Yes! This is kind of how I feel. Here I was, geared up and squealing about this thing with my friend. We went out on a saturday to plan and then I went home. Sunday I was contacted with the whole "We aren't doing a commitment ceremony, we're just gonna get rings".

It left me wondering what on earth had happened between Saturday and Sunday.

the timeline is odd. In seven months it went from Wedding to Commitment Ceremony to 'We're just gonna wear wedding rings'

LtPowers:

--- Quote from: Twik on July 27, 2014, 02:20:39 PM ---People can make commitments without others in their vicinity.
--- End quote ---

Indeed, but not a wedding.


Powers  &8^]

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