Author Topic: Need some advice for a friend.  (Read 5586 times)

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auntmeegs

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #15 on: May 27, 2014, 11:29:22 AM »
Is the relationship with the other man serious?  That would affect my answer. 

Mergatroyd

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #16 on: May 27, 2014, 11:30:44 AM »
He's going to lose the relationship either way if he tells her, so maybe he better be really really sure about those feelings. Either she will not feel the same and it will become too awkward for her to spend time with him, or she will try a relationship with him and when it ends the friendship will also. The chances of it ending any other way are very very slim. If she was single then it might be worth the try, but not as it stands.

Eeep!

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #17 on: May 27, 2014, 03:40:54 PM »
I once had a good male friend ask me "In an alternate universe, if you weren't with [My now DH, long-time boyfriend], would we be together? It still tops my list of all time most awkward conversations. (specially since, no, we wouldn't.) Extra awkward because we were in a theater class with a two-person scene we still needed to do together.  I felt sooo uncomfortable around him. We were able to eventually get past it but mostly not until he started dating someone else.

So because of this, I would generally advise someone not to say anything unless they are willing to forever alter their current relationship with their friend.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

DavidH

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #18 on: May 27, 2014, 03:52:21 PM »
I think the best approach is to say nothing.

If he isn't sure if he has feelings for her yet, then there is no reason to tell her he might have feelings for her, since what can that accomplish?  It's even worse since she's in a relationship

If he knows he has feelings for her and what he is contemplating is asking her out, then I'd still recommend saying nothing.  Perhaps, if she has only been on one or two dates with the other guy, then asking her out might be okay, but anything more serious than that, definitely not. 

In general, the first question is what does he hope to accomplish?  I can't think how anything good comes of this.

Celany

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #19 on: May 27, 2014, 04:47:40 PM »
I also vote for say nothing.

Even if the best care scenario, Emma is probably going to feel awkward. Worst case, the stop being friends.

And James taking a step back from the relationship NOW, while the feelings are on the milder side, is also definitely a good idea. Let it cool a little, then ease back into a friendship?

And know knows? Maybe in the future Emma will be single again & James can see how he feels then.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

Specky

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #20 on: May 27, 2014, 06:55:39 PM »
I'm also voting for saying nothing.  Inserting oneself into another's relationship is not OK, especially if you consider the other person a friend.  This is not how friends treat friends.  He is (hopefully) an adult and should be able to control himself.  If he can't, he needs to back off until he can. 

veronaz

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #21 on: May 27, 2014, 07:04:31 PM »
I would tell him absolutely not to say a word to Emma, and in fact, he should put some distance in the friendship.

I agree with this.

ilrag

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #22 on: May 27, 2014, 09:44:47 PM »
He should also not say anything to their mutual friends, because it will get back to her.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #23 on: May 27, 2014, 11:36:48 PM »
How serious is the relationship? If it's "early stages of dating" then I think James should tell Emma about his feelings.

If it's "living together / headed towards marriage / kids involved" then James should keep his mouth shut.

I also agree that James should take a step back from his friendship with Emma. This means dialing back on the closeness. Perhaps seeing her less often, and never one-on-one. This will give James time to reflect on how he really feels about her. And - if her relationship is serious and he realises he fancies her - to get over his feelings.

If Emma notices that he's pulled back and asks him why, I personally think James should tell a white lie and just say he's been busy, etc. You never know. he could get over his feelings, and resume a great friendship with Emma in the future.


Julian

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #24 on: May 28, 2014, 12:56:09 AM »
I've also been Emma.  My 'James' told me 'it should have been you' - at his engagement party.   ::)  I had no inkling until then.

It put a real crimp in the friendship, as his fiance was a lovely lady and we got on really well. 

After the wedding the friendship did the slow fade. 

OP, I think he should say nothing, and maintain a bit more distance.  Until she's available, and you haven't mentioned the state of her current relationship, he should keep his feelings to himself.  It's not going to do him any good saying anything, but it has the potential to cause a lot of heartache. 

poundcake

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #25 on: May 28, 2014, 01:24:22 AM »
If she defines herself as "in a relationship," it doesn't matter how serious it is or how long it's been going on. She is defining herself as not single, not on the market, not interested in others. "I'm in a relationship" = clear boundary. James needs to deal with his feelings himself, move on, and not be a creeper by making inappropriate advances. His feelings are not Emma's problem, nor her responsibility to bear.

I repeat: no.

Life is not a RomCom.

GreenEyedHawk

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #26 on: May 28, 2014, 01:28:46 AM »
Additional info: Emma has been seeing her current bf for 5 years.
"After all this time?"
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MariaE

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #27 on: May 28, 2014, 02:23:53 AM »
Additional info: Emma has been seeing her current bf for 5 years.

James needs to keep so far away it isn't even funny.
 
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Another Sarah

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #28 on: May 28, 2014, 06:09:21 AM »
Additional info: Emma has been seeing her current bf for 5 years.

James needs to keep so far away it isn't even funny.
And then some. There is no way this is going to end well for him if he tells her.

shhh its me

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #29 on: May 28, 2014, 06:49:53 AM »
Additional info: Emma has been seeing her current bf for 5 years.

James needs to keep so far away it isn't even funny.
And then some. There is no way this is going to end well for him if he tells her.

Take a little break from Emma get feeling under control.  In fact I'd take a long hard look at myself and examine where those feelings are coming from.  Not the crush , that happens sometimes but the serious urge to confess a crush to someone in a 5 year relationship.

If this was a romantic comedy it would all work out. In real life when you confess your "developing feelings" to a friend who is in a 5 year relationship , the friendships end.