Author Topic: Need some advice for a friend.  (Read 5338 times)

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bloo

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #30 on: May 28, 2014, 07:31:28 AM »
She's not available.  There is nothing to be gained by telling her, and potentially a friendship to lose.  I am a firm believer in the idea that not everything you feel should be said.

I agree. Persons that don't understand the bolded have been watching too many rom-coms.

In fact my personal view is that it is disrespectful to approach someone in a relationship or even just newly dating to ask them out. It puts them in a fairly awkward position. But then, dating casually and dating multiple persons at the same time is just not done in our socio-religious circle so YMMV.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #31 on: May 28, 2014, 08:33:00 AM »
A 5 year relationship?  Yeah, he needs to keep his mouth shut and pull back a bit until he can get his feelings under control.

If it was a recent relationship, I'd feel differently.
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DavidH

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #32 on: May 28, 2014, 12:40:57 PM »
She's been in a 5-year relationship, definitely he needs to keep his mouth shut about it.  If he can maintain a friendship, great, if he needs to pull back, that's fine too, but his feelings are his own to deal with, not her issue at all.

Allyson

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #33 on: May 28, 2014, 03:03:14 PM »
Agree with the majority. Don't say anything. Things James can do; pull away from the friendship a bit/for awhile. Meet other women. Get involved in other activities to take his mind off Emma. Things James should definitely not do: badmouth Emma's boyfriend. Complain about being friendzoned. Stay friends with Emma but start with the longing looks and little touches that make her doubt her own sanity about what James' deal is.

If I were Emma, and James were a close friend (I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years so similar timelines) I would personally be hurt if he pulled away a lot, without explanation. I would much prefer something like "look, I've realized I'm developing a bit of a crush on you, and so I'm going to back away for awhile until it passes." Other people's mileage may be different of course, and if James and Emma aren't super close (say they hang out a lot in groups but don't typically make one on one plans) I would definitely not say that.

blarg314

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #34 on: May 28, 2014, 10:42:45 PM »
If he tells Emma, he *is* asking for her to choose. And odds are she's going to choose her boyfriend.

She's not likely to say "Oh, that's so sweet" and go back to a happy platonic friendship. And if she's been with her BF for five years and seems content with him, she's also not going to confess her undying love in return and ditch the boyfriend to be with him instead. So the most likely case is that she sees it James making a move on her, is not impressed, and chooses her boyfriend instead of the friendship.

James has two things he can do. He can sit firmly on the feelings, so he can push them away and engage in the friendship in a genuinely platonic fashion. Or he can back off on one-on-one socializing with Emma - interact with her in a group more than just the two of them.

The one case where he could tell her about it is to explain why he's backed off - "I've realized my feelings for you are getting more than friend-like, and I need some space to deal with it." This can actually be a courteous option, if the alternative is hurting the feelings of a close friend who doesn't understand why he's suddenly dropped off the face of the earth. But it has to go with a clear message of "This is my problem, and I'm working on getting over it, and I don't expect you to reciprocate", which means he can't tell her and expect everything else to go on as usual.

How is James' social life otherwise?  Does he regularly date, or get out to meet single women?  Because I've seen it happen before where a shy person (male or female) who isn't active on the dating scene, or feels uncomfortable in it, tends to develop feelings for friends because they see them as a safe option - after all, this person already knows them and likes them.




LifeOnPluto

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #35 on: May 28, 2014, 11:09:14 PM »
Agree with the majority. Don't say anything. Things James can do; pull away from the friendship a bit/for awhile. Meet other women. Get involved in other activities to take his mind off Emma. Things James should definitely not do: badmouth Emma's boyfriend. Complain about being friendzoned. Stay friends with Emma but start with the longing looks and little touches that make her doubt her own sanity about what James' deal is.

If I were Emma, and James were a close friend (I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years so similar timelines) I would personally be hurt if he pulled away a lot, without explanation. I would much prefer something like "look, I've realized I'm developing a bit of a crush on you, and so I'm going to back away for awhile until it passes." Other people's mileage may be different of course, and if James and Emma aren't super close (say they hang out a lot in groups but don't typically make one on one plans) I would definitely not say that.

I also think James should avoid putting himself in a position where he's Emma's confidante, especially about her relationship issues and joys.

Personally, I'd advise James to do a slow fade, rather than "suddenly cutting all ties". And if Emma asks why they're not spending as much time together, I would personally advise James to tell a white lie about being busy. If he confesses he's stepping back to deal with his feelings for Emma, he could risk freaking her out. 

spookycatlady

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #36 on: May 29, 2014, 08:11:18 AM »
Saying something will forever and irrevocably change the friendship.

Focusing on the etiquette-- I think it's pretty impolite to confess developing feelings to someone in a long-term relationship

It's a pretty messy situation for the one with the feelings.  If he says something while the relationship is good, he's being inappropriate.  If he makes a move while things have gone south, but haven't ended?  He's a vulture.

If he tells her, I can really only see one way to do it that still shows manners and is respectful of her, "I'm developing feelings for you.  I don't think it's in either of our best interests to hang out for a while."  And then she knows why he's distanced himself and has revealed himself as a good man, as long as he follows through with that.

Twik

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #37 on: May 29, 2014, 08:29:49 AM »
.I'm wondering if James confessing his feelings for Emma will make Emma feel put on the spot, or like she's being put in a position where she now has to choose.

Well, yes. She will be put on the spot, and will feel she has to choose. There's no way around that.

Another vote for James to forget the lessons of rom coms, and keep his lips locked.
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GreenEyedHawk

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #38 on: May 29, 2014, 09:01:47 PM »
I linked him to this thread and he's read all your good advice.  He's decided the wisest thing is to back away from the friendship until he figures out himself and his feelings.  I think he's made a good decision.
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Drunken Housewife

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #39 on: May 30, 2014, 03:08:13 PM »
Very smart of him.  Hoping it works out for him to find someone else but keep this woman as a friend.
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zyrs

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #40 on: May 30, 2014, 07:45:14 PM »
I would tell him absolutely not to say a word to Emma, and in fact, he should put some distance in the friendship.

I agree with this.

I agree with this as well. 

weeblewobble

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #41 on: May 31, 2014, 12:16:31 PM »
Good for him. It shows that he's an actual nice guy and not a self proclaimed Nice Guy

MariaE

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #42 on: May 31, 2014, 02:35:53 PM »
Good for him. It shows that he's an actual nice guy and not a self proclaimed Nice Guy

Indeed! Well done :)
 
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Winterlight

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #43 on: June 01, 2014, 10:02:20 PM »
Glad to hear it! This wouldn't have ended well, most likely.
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GreenEyedHawk

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Re: Need some advice for a friend.
« Reply #44 on: June 02, 2014, 02:34:49 PM »
Good for him. It shows that he's an actual nice guy and not a self proclaimed Nice Guy

Indeed! Well done :)

He actually is genuinely a nice guy, not a "nice guy".  Whatever woman he ends up with is going to be a very lucky lady.
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