Author Topic: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29  (Read 14544 times)

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miranova

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #45 on: May 29, 2014, 01:46:47 PM »
Yes, I think affluent is a red herring.  This is an optional activity.  It doesn't matter if she has money or not.  Greedy moochers come in all income levels. 

DanaJ

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #46 on: May 29, 2014, 02:52:04 PM »
And to be honest, who cares if the woman is affluent or not?  If you are going out to lunch, you know that money is required.
On a comparative note, when I was still a poor student and I was saving up to go on a trip. When I was invited to a group lunch/dinner and couldn't afford it, I would decline the meal part, saying: "I'm saving up and need to really hang onto my pennies, but I will meet you for dessert afterwards!" So I could still be there and just have a coffee and socialize with the group.

Raintree

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #47 on: May 29, 2014, 03:08:35 PM »
If there was ever a good time for "I'm afraid that won't be possible" then this is it.

I might have paid ONCE. And I'd have reminded her to bring the $XX she owes me next time we met. If she claimed to have forgotten her money again, and asked a second time, I'd have been incredulous. Nobody forgets their money that often.

The ONLY time I was caught out, I really don't think it was my fault. I was stuck at a committee meeting for a social group I was part of. The meeting ran on and someone suggested we continue it at a nearby cafe. I was expected to be there. So as we all walked in, I saw the sign on the door that said "cash only." I didn't have cash. I hadn't known we were going out, and even if I had, I hadn't known that any establishment anywhere we might go would be "cash only." I told the group I didn't have cash on me. There was no ATM anywhere. I was kind of ignored when I said this. I didn't feel I could sit in a restaurant and not order anything, so I ordered something small and asked the person next to me if they could cover me and I'd pay them back at the next meeting. He agreed, but I was horribly embarrassed to have to ask, and I made SURE to give him the money back the next week at the start of the meeting.

SoCalVal

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #48 on: May 29, 2014, 03:10:24 PM »
Yes, I think affluent is a red herring.  This is an optional activity.  It doesn't matter if she has money or not.  Greedy moochers come in all income levels.

I can see why the LW included this part.  I learned when I was 12 to be wary of individuals who never seem to have money yet would have no problem requesting "loans" from me.  I first learned this from a classmate who I knew had a father who had his own successful business (so, yes, her family had more money than mine).  She asked to borrow 50-cents from me for lunch (which was significant enough in 1982 to a child who received no allowance).  Before she paid it back, she asked to borrow another 50-cents, which I loaned (lent?) to her.  The third time she asked, I said, "You still owe me a dollar."  Her response?  "I do?" (she was lying, and I could tell as I could see it in her face).  I told her I didn't have any money.  She never paid back the dollar but, at least, she never tried to "borrow" money from me again.

Fast forward five years, and I had a high school friend who always seemed to be broke.  He actually pulled something similar to the LW when it was lunchtime and we were at our volunteer assignment.  He saw me pull out the twenty-dollar bill my mother gave me to pay for lunch (she had nothing smaller and was expecting change).  He said, "Oh, good, SoCalVal is paying for lunch!"  I just looked at him and said, "No, this money is my mother's, and she's expecting change.  I can't buy your lunch."  I did, however, share with him the fries I ended up getting for my lunch.  Over the next few years, he'd pull these maneuvers again, until I finally got fed up the evening he screwed me over for three lousy dollars when he knew I was having a really bad night.  I knew he was lying and decided I just wasn't going to talk to him anymore.  We're FB friends now (after 15-20 years of zero contact), but he'd never be someone I'd trust with anything -- money or otherwise.



tinkytinky

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #49 on: May 29, 2014, 03:34:09 PM »
Affluent mother: "I seem to have left my wallet at home again!" eyeing LW

LW: "Goodness, again! well, if you leave now to get it you can be back before we are finished with our appetizers. If you need to get cash, there is an ATM just outside the restaurant."

Affluent mother: "Well, you can just cover for me and I'll get yours next time."

LW: "I'm sorry that isn't possible. I have just enough to cover my own lunch. You are more than welcome to sit and chat with us, or you can get your purse and come back."

If someone else speaks up and wants to pay, then it's on them. You have clearly given 2 viable solutions that she can use or she can call you a big meanie head. However, you did nothing wrong in refusing to let other people spend your money.

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C0mputerGeek

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #50 on: May 29, 2014, 03:53:07 PM »
The letter writer will either need to grow a spine and refuse to help out Affluent Mom or get used to being mooched from.

I have a cousin that likes to "forget" her wallet when dining out with others. She and her husband are the biggest moochers ever. I refuse to go out to eat with her, which solves the problem.

bloo

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #51 on: May 29, 2014, 04:12:41 PM »
Yes, I think affluent is a red herring.  This is an optional activity.  It doesn't matter if she has money or not.  Greedy moochers come in all income levels.

I can see why the LW included this part.  I learned when I was 12 to be wary of individuals who never seem to have money yet would have no problem requesting "loans" from me.  I first learned this from a classmate who I knew had a father who had his own successful business (so, yes, her family had more money than mine).  She asked to borrow 50-cents from me for lunch (which was significant enough in 1982 to a child who received no allowance).  Before she paid it back, she asked to borrow another 50-cents, which I loaned (lent?) to her.  The third time she asked, I said, "You still owe me a dollar."  Her response?  "I do?" (she was lying, and I could tell as I could see it in her face).  I told her I didn't have any money.  She never paid back the dollar but, at least, she never tried to "borrow" money from me again.

Fast forward five years, and I had a high school friend who always seemed to be broke.  He actually pulled something similar to the LW when it was lunchtime and we were at our volunteer assignment.  He saw me pull out the twenty-dollar bill my mother gave me to pay for lunch (she had nothing smaller and was expecting change).  He said, "Oh, good, SoCalVal is paying for lunch!"  I just looked at him and said, "No, this money is my mother's, and she's expecting change.  I can't buy your lunch."  I did, however, share with him the fries I ended up getting for my lunch.  Over the next few years, he'd pull these maneuvers again, until I finally got fed up the evening he screwed me over for three lousy dollars when he knew I was having a really bad night.  I knew he was lying and decided I just wasn't going to talk to him anymore.  We're FB friends now (after 15-20 years of zero contact), but he'd never be someone I'd trust with anything -- money or otherwise.

This ties in rather well with the other thread about how people use their money. We make judgments based on what we see/hear/experience.

Also I remember when I was in middle school in the '80's (grades 6-8) and we were lower middle income. It was irritating that kids wearing the Jordache jeans and Reeboks whose parents lived in grander homes and drove nicer cars would 'borrow' money from us less popular kids or outsiders. Small amounts for a drink or snack. Borrowed in the sense that you weren't getting paid back. Some would say 'yes' and stew about it or just accept that they'd be less likely to get picked on or made fun of if they 'loaned' the money to the kid.

Having less money than fear of being picked on, I had no problems saying 'no'.

One of the 'borrowers' came into my place of work when I was 17 or so to turn in a job application. When I later handed it to my boss, he asked me what I thought of the young man. I replied with, 'he's really cute.' My boss rolled his eyes and said, 'that's not what I was asking,' to which I said, 'oh...I don't like him.' Simply based on the fact that he tried to borrow money from me that he wasn't going to pay back when I was 13*.  ::) My boss said, 'ok' and crumpled up the app and threw it away.


*I knew he was a bit of a deadbeat as the time he asked for money and I told him 'no' one of my fellow unpopulars later mentioned that he hadn't paid back money he 'borrowed' from her. 

Coralreef

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #52 on: May 29, 2014, 04:41:34 PM »
Maybe they got affluent by mooching on others...  >:(

LW needs to step up and refuse to cover for Affluent mom.  I would not be afraid to look cheap, because it's a fact of life that being a doormat will attract other bullies for you to give them money, time or energy. 

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lilfox

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #53 on: May 29, 2014, 05:19:51 PM »
I've definitely forgotten my wallet and/or had no way to pay on me before.  It's embarrassing every time, even when I can just easily run 5 minutes back to my desk to get some money.  That said, I certainly don't make a habit of it and I've made it a point to pay anyone who covers me back every time and still a pretty good number of people will say don't worry about it and not accept the cash.

So I can see where someone without scruples will hear "don't worry about paying me back [this one time]" and think it extends to all future loans.  Or not even wait for someone to say that and just assume, "oh he/she won't miss that $5, or $10, or any amount anyway, so no need to pay it back."

Personally, I don't get either the LW's or the AW's mindset.  Clearly LW should just say no.  Just, no. Ideally she would even say something like "Well AW, you still owe me for the past X lunches, so I'm not able to loan you any more money."  But if she could do that, she already would have and the problem would have gone away.

I kind of wonder that none of the friends have said anything about it (privately to LW), but they may not realize that AW doesn't pay LW back later.  If they do know AW is a mooch and didn't warn LW or just watch it happen every time and say nothing, the LW should really find new friends.

shhh its me

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #54 on: May 29, 2014, 05:31:40 PM »
Affluent mother: "I seem to have left my wallet at home again!" eyeing LW

LW: "Goodness, again! well, if you leave now to get it you can be back before we are finished with our appetizers. If you need to get cash, there is an ATM just outside the restaurant."

Affluent mother: "Well, you can just cover for me and I'll get yours next time."

LW: "I'm sorry that isn't possible. I have just enough to cover my own lunch. You are more than welcome to sit and chat with us, or you can get your purse and come back."

If someone else speaks up and wants to pay, then it's on them. You have clearly given 2 viable solutions that she can use or she can call you a big meanie head. However, you did nothing wrong in refusing to let other people spend your money.

To the bolded (several posted suggested this) I would not explain and I wouldn't say I only have enough for my own.  This is a time when you don't  JADE.

I've had this situation come up once , I'm not sure if this is Ehell approved but I started beating mooch to the punch.  "Hi moochy Mel , its your turn to buy me lunch today. "  ," ermmmmmm but ummmm." , "Well I bought that last 3 times, you'll get me next time then."

ETA in case it wasn't clear....  That included a version of "it wont be possible for me to buy you lunch today."
« Last Edit: May 29, 2014, 06:39:05 PM by shhh its me »

MindsEye

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #55 on: May 29, 2014, 05:38:16 PM »
Affluent mother: "I seem to have left my wallet at home again!" eyeing LW

LW: "Goodness, again! well, if you leave now to get it you can be back before we are finished with our appetizers. If you need to get cash, there is an ATM just outside the restaurant." "That's too bad.  I guess you won't be able to have lunch with us today.  See you next time."

Fixed that...

kherbert05

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #56 on: May 29, 2014, 05:43:38 PM »
How about " I am sorry, I covered your lunch the last THREE times you forgot your purse, I am afraid it will not be possible this time".  If this woman does this every single time doesn't anyone think  she is trying to convey some sort of message to the OP since she is the only person she asks?  I am not sure exactly what that message may be...does AFmom think that the OP is not good enough for the group unless she is doing extra for them?
I was thinking the same type of response - except I would phrase it
"I've covered your lunch the last X times and you owe me $RX.CC that you haven't repaid. I'm not paying for your lunch.
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wolfie

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #57 on: May 29, 2014, 06:34:14 PM »
just watch it happen every time and say nothing, the LW should really find new friends.

If i saw it happen every time I wouldn't say anything either because I would assume the two people had some kind of arrangement where LW pays for lunch and Mooch pays her back, or Mooch does something else in return. Unless I knew that Mooch was a Mooch it wouldn't occur to me to say something. ANd honestly even if i did know I am not sure i would say anything unless I knew there was no way that an arrangement was going on. I would also assume LW would stand up for herself....

TootsNYC

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #58 on: May 29, 2014, 06:37:34 PM »
I think it I were giving the Letter Writer some advice, I might say, "Who in the group do you consider to be the most grownup? Who is both firm and kind?
    "Call that person and explain to her the situation you're in. Tell her you've realized you're having a really hard time with this, and would she help you?
    "She can help you by just bucking you up, and being the person watching you as you say, 'I'm not buying your lunch anymore,' bcs you'll probably have a stiffer spine if you've got a knowing witness.
    "But ask her also to back you up if the other woman (or other women) create any flak about the whole thing."

It's OK, when you're weak, to try to get people on your team.

Editeer

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #59 on: May 29, 2014, 06:45:51 PM »
Moocher: LW, will you pay for my lunch?

LW: (laughs) Oh, I paid for you last time. It's your turn to buy me lunch now! <big smile>