Author Topic: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29  (Read 13515 times)

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LadyJaneinMD

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #75 on: May 30, 2014, 12:50:13 PM »
So why do they do it?

Because somebody always pays.   Always.  These people will mooch off everybody in the group, one by one, until they're all used up, then they move on to another group and start the whole process over again.  I've seen it.  Fortunately I never had the money to be one of the givers, but I've seen this process happen, several times. 

bloo

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #76 on: May 30, 2014, 12:53:48 PM »
So why do they do it?

Because somebody always pays.   Always.  These people will mooch off everybody in the group, one by one, until they're all used up, then they move on to another group and start the whole process over again.  I've seen it.  Fortunately I never had the money to be one of the givers, but I've seen this process happen, several times.

I think that someone posted this on Ehell before but I bookmarked it and found it rather valuable as an insight to a con or mooch.
http://luke173ministries.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=39548&PID=595301

ETA: the article is specific to family freeloaders but I still thought it had some valuable insights when observing those we're not related to.
« Last Edit: May 30, 2014, 12:56:45 PM by bloo »

Daquiri40

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #77 on: May 30, 2014, 12:59:08 PM »
Quote
Oh I only have enough to cover my own lunch

No, just no.  Never say anything about your own wallet, your ability to pay, or anything about your own budget.  It is not part of the equation.  I will not pay for your lunch is enough or simply, NO. 

Affluent Mom needs to be shut down with a No.  No explanation is necessary.

gramma dishes

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #78 on: May 30, 2014, 01:17:07 PM »
Quote
Oh I only have enough to cover my own lunch

No, just no.  Never say anything about your own wallet, your ability to pay, or anything about your own budget.  It is not part of the equation.  I will not pay for your lunch is enough or simply, NO. 

Affluent Mom needs to be shut down with a No.  No explanation is necessary.

I agree.  Your wallet and her wallet don't know each other.  And they should remain strangers.  Neither should know the content of the other's heart.   ;)

rose red

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #79 on: May 30, 2014, 01:19:06 PM »
I just realized the moocher didn't directly ask for money at first. She "pointedly looks at me and says she forgot her purse." Moocher was scoping out victims and the LW got reeled in hook, line, and sinker. The first time is understandable; most of us would act the same. However, when it worked again and again, the Moocher knew she found her meal ticket.

If the LW can't say no and/or ask for her money back, then she just has to get use to it. Nobody is going to scoop in and rescue her if won't ask for help in fear of looking cheap.

kategillian

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #80 on: May 30, 2014, 01:55:30 PM »
Quote from: sammycat ylink=topic=133743.msg3158502#msg3158502 date=1401418770
So why do they do it?

Because somebody always pays.   Always.  These people will mooch off everybody in the group, one by one, until they're all used up, then they move on to another group and start the whole process over again.  I've seen it.  Fortunately I never had the money to be one of the givers, but I've seen this process happen, several times.

I think that someone posted this on Ehell before but I bookmarked it and found it rather valuable as an insight to a con or mooch.
http://luke173ministries.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=39548&PID=595301

ETA: the article is specific to family freeloaders but I still thought it had some valuable insights when observing those we're not related to.
.

Great article, bloo!

LifeOnPluto

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #81 on: May 31, 2014, 03:44:51 AM »
This is the kind of letter writer that annoys the heck out of me.    Why on earth would she think it looks "cheap" to refuse to cover a moocher's bill?   


This is what I was wondering too. Which is why I thought that perhaps Moocher (or the rest of the group) have hinted to LW that if she doesn't cough up to cover Moocher's meal, she's being a bad sport / petty / not cool / etc. As stated in my previous post, there could be a bit of a "high school clique" thing happening, where the LW is on the bottom rung.

purple

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #82 on: May 31, 2014, 09:08:22 PM »
Quite frankly, I find doormats like the LW to be so irritating that I have to walk away from the screen just to compose a reply.

My response would have been to ignore the pointed looks the first time, and if the other mom point-blank asked, I would simply say that I had only budgeted to cover my own expenses, and suggest she call her DH or someone else to provide the funds for her to cover her own expenses.  Repeat as necessary (since it appears to be a regular occurrence) until she gloms onto some other person who has hopefully learned by the example set to not be a doormat either.

Being thought cheap?  That doesn't even make sense to me because LW is covering her expenses.  I don't care how small the amount is, I don't cover for casual "friends" (most people seem to use this word far more loosely than I would, I would consider the other mother to be an acquaintance).

Me too.

Who lets this become a giant thing that goes on for weeks and writes a letter to a help page on the internet about it?

All she has to do is say 'no, I can't pay for you this week', and be done with it.

GrammarNerd

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #83 on: May 31, 2014, 10:44:45 PM »
Quite frankly, I find doormats like the LW to be so irritating that I have to walk away from the screen just to compose a reply.

My response would have been to ignore the pointed looks the first time, and if the other mom point-blank asked, I would simply say that I had only budgeted to cover my own expenses, and suggest she call her DH or someone else to provide the funds for her to cover her own expenses.  Repeat as necessary (since it appears to be a regular occurrence) until she gloms onto some other person who has hopefully learned by the example set to not be a doormat either.

Being thought cheap?  That doesn't even make sense to me because LW is covering her expenses.  I don't care how small the amount is, I don't cover for casual "friends" (most people seem to use this word far more loosely than I would, I would consider the other mother to be an acquaintance).

Me too.

Who lets this become a giant thing that goes on for weeks and writes a letter to a help page on the internet about it?

All she has to do is say 'no, I can't pay for you this week', and be done with it.

Exactly.

Once, I can understand.  Twice....okay, if you're put on the spot.  But by the third time, I would just have to think that the LW had been stewing about it long enough where she would blurt something....anything....out of her mouth.  Stammering.  Some feeble excuse.  Something.  NOT let this person get yet another free lunch off of her.

So I'm thinking that there must be something else at play here; some weird dynamic, some Junior High clique that never grew up, or some interesting power base.  To me, the whole thing just sounds so bizarre that the moocher would specifically target the LW like that, but just apparently LOOK at her and get her to comply.  Several times.  It sounds so.....science fictiony.  Like mind control. Bizarre.

But yeah, Mooching Mom needs to be told a very simple, straightforward, "No." (And then the LW needs to look at her and laugh, like she thinks MM is crazy for thinking she can continue to pull the same stuff, because she is.)

LeveeWoman

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #84 on: May 31, 2014, 11:07:44 PM »
Quite frankly, I find doormats like the LW to be so irritating that I have to walk away from the screen just to compose a reply.

My response would have been to ignore the pointed looks the first time, and if the other mom point-blank asked, I would simply say that I had only budgeted to cover my own expenses, and suggest she call her DH or someone else to provide the funds for her to cover her own expenses.  Repeat as necessary (since it appears to be a regular occurrence) until she gloms onto some other person who has hopefully learned by the example set to not be a doormat either.

Being thought cheap?  That doesn't even make sense to me because LW is covering her expenses.  I don't care how small the amount is, I don't cover for casual "friends" (most people seem to use this word far more loosely than I would, I would consider the other mother to be an acquaintance).

Me too.

Who lets this become a giant thing that goes on for weeks and writes a letter to a help page on the internet about it?

All she has to do is say 'no, I can't pay for you this week', and be done with it.

The same kind of person who seeks advice here.

Not everyone has a strong spine.

Library Dragon

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #85 on: May 31, 2014, 11:15:41 PM »
True and those trained to have spaghetti spines have to relearn and find tools to help them cope.  Part of that is learning to ask for a hand. At one time I would have been so fearful of causing others embarrassment I would have paid for mooching mom's lunch.

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Ceallach

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #86 on: June 01, 2014, 02:56:25 AM »
Quite frankly, I find doormats like the LW to be so irritating that I have to walk away from the screen just to compose a reply.

My response would have been to ignore the pointed looks the first time, and if the other mom point-blank asked, I would simply say that I had only budgeted to cover my own expenses, and suggest she call her DH or someone else to provide the funds for her to cover her own expenses.  Repeat as necessary (since it appears to be a regular occurrence) until she gloms onto some other person who has hopefully learned by the example set to not be a doormat either.

Being thought cheap?  That doesn't even make sense to me because LW is covering her expenses.  I don't care how small the amount is, I don't cover for casual "friends" (most people seem to use this word far more loosely than I would, I would consider the other mother to be an acquaintance).

Me too.

Who lets this become a giant thing that goes on for weeks and writes a letter to a help page on the internet about it?

All she has to do is say 'no, I can't pay for you this week', and be done with it.

The same kind of person who seeks advice here.

Not everyone has a strong spine.

Oh I agree, and it's not about victim blaming - it is horrible that she has been put in that position in the first place by that blatant moocher.   It's just twice as sad that she's felt so helpless as to let this cycle repeat itself, and is still not confident with the most basic social interaction of saying "No sorry I can't pay for yours".   

I sincerely hope she does find her spine and deal with the situation, and hopefully learns something for the future.   That she is confident enough socialising with a group on a regular basis indicates she does have basic social skills and isn't a complete hermit (I say this as an introvert myself), it just amazes me when somebody is so incapable of dealing with the most basic of conflict, in a situation where they are completely blameless.
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"


Venus193

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #87 on: June 01, 2014, 05:22:28 AM »
Since Prudie does sometimes get updates, here's hoping she does this time.

This woman wouldn't be able to do this to me.  After the first time I'd remind her that she owed me.  If she is putting on a show of greater affluence than she has, she's falling short of some props and needs to be reminded.

katycoo

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #88 on: June 01, 2014, 09:32:32 PM »
I would start asking the person BEFORE they ordered if they brought their money.  And if not, I would tell them that they had best not be expecting me to cover their meal as they already owed me $XX.
And leave it at that. 
If they ask afterwards, you can simply stare at them and say "Why did you order anything then, when I told you beforehand i wouldn't be paying for you?"

RegionMom

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Re: S/O Restaurant bill shenanigans: Dear Prudence Third Letter 05/29
« Reply #89 on: June 01, 2014, 09:54:42 PM »
https://www.google.com/search?q=key+chain+money+holder+for+women&hl=en&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=odeLU_TDK8WzyATeqIDQDQ&ved=0CFEQsAQ&biw=1366&bih=607

images of key chain money holders- many just look like a decorative doo dad.

When I was in HS, I learned the importance of emergency money.  Date had something go wrong with car, and had to get taxi.  we were not owners of credit cards back then. 
I had cash on hand, as emergency money.
He did pay me back.
Nice guy.

So, I taught my DD the same thing, recently, as she is 16 now. Gave her a cute little keychain that looks like nothing but decor, but it hides emergency cash. 

As for the AM, she picked her mark.  I bet she has picked others,. 
The LW thinks others might say, "wow, you are so harsh!  It is only ten bucks, come on, she's good for it!  We would do the same for you!"
But the LW needs to stand her ground and bring out the, "hey, for the third time you have forgotten your wallet/purse?  How did you drive with out a license that is carried in a wallet? Let's figure out how to help you remember for next time, there there..."
Fear is temporary...Regret is forever.