Author Topic: Do you ask mutual friends?  (Read 1467 times)

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RavenousEdenFleur

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Do you ask mutual friends?
« on: June 01, 2014, 11:01:27 AM »
Hi everyone! This is not about me, still happily engaged :) but my sis is going through something similar to me, and I never did this... but she had her girlfriend break up out of the blue, much like what happened with me and she started seeing someone else. Sister has a friend who is much closer to her ex but they remain on good terms.

My sister is pretty sad about this, they dated for about a year and she wants to ask this mutual friend if this new girl was someone in her life for a while, and if she ever confided in her about being unhappy in the relationship? She feels like having some answers will give her closure.

What do you think?

guihong

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Re: Do you ask mutual friends?
« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2014, 11:10:45 AM »
Bad idea. If this friend is any kind of loyal, she won't want to get involved and discuss it.  If I were the mutual friend, I'd be incredibly uncomfortable. 



RavenousEdenFleur

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Re: Do you ask mutual friends?
« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2014, 11:13:51 AM »
I think she may have to wait to see if her ex will come around and talk to her about it.... which is difficult because it rarely happens. I will just have to be there for her! :) She's coming to visit me next week so I'll make sure I get her mind off of things and have some good cries with her.

JenJay

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Re: Do you ask mutual friends?
« Reply #3 on: June 01, 2014, 11:56:34 AM »
No, she shouldn't put the friend in such a bad situation. Has your sister tried writing to the ex, explaining that the break-up blindsided her, and asking for an explanation? Maybe if she approached the ex not accusatorily or hinting at a reconciliation, but just asking for closure?

shhh its me

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Re: Do you ask mutual friends?
« Reply #4 on: June 01, 2014, 12:02:20 PM »
  Bad idea .....

1) she wont get the real reason.

2) even if she did it wont help.

3) no one EVER wants to answer "Hey, do you know why GF/BF broke up with me"

Allyson

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Re: Do you ask mutual friends?
« Reply #5 on: June 01, 2014, 12:44:06 PM »
It's probably not a good idea, but I understand your sister's feelings. She might find out anyway, later on; often people speak without thinking. I found out an ex had been seeing someone else while still with me due to an innocent comment made by someone who had NO idea what was going on (it enabled me to put things together).

It sounds like your sister's looking for closure, which is understandable, but unlikely to happen in the way she wants. Also, if the friend is much closer to the ex, the friend will almost certainly go tell her your sister was asking. Which would not be good!

Mary Lennox

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Re: Do you ask mutual friends?
« Reply #6 on: June 01, 2014, 12:51:23 PM »
I think if your sister is 100% okay with possibly hearing something negative about herself and not holding it against the friend who said it, then she should ask. Of course, the friend may not be willing/able to tell her anyway, but if Sis is okay with possibly hearing the worst, then ask.

Kaymar

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Re: Do you ask mutual friends?
« Reply #7 on: June 01, 2014, 01:06:32 PM »
In no way is that a good idea, for your sister or her poor friend potentially stuck in the middle. Closure is a myth. If your sister is mourning the demise of her relationship, nothing is going to make that better (except time and maybe therapy).

RavenousEdenFleur

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Re: Do you ask mutual friends?
« Reply #8 on: June 01, 2014, 01:25:26 PM »
My sister sent ex a very nice email but hasn't heard back. I did play devils advocate and tell her that ex may be mourning the break up too, even though she is seeing someone new. Maybe there is still hurt over breaking up with sis? Maybe ex cannot face my sister now because it ended so abruptly and she realizes she ended it wrong. The last time I saw them they seemed really happy, right before the break up they posted a cute picture together on Facebook...

Tea Drinker

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Re: Do you ask mutual friends?
« Reply #9 on: June 01, 2014, 02:00:02 PM »
That's not going to get her closure: even if she gets an answer, it will likely either be a not-very-useful cliche like "it's not you, it's me"; or a true but potentially painful "I realized I wasn't in love with you anymore"; or if she really pushes her ex might say something like "I always hated when you did X, Y, and Z" or an unkind remark on her looks or habits.

The most likely actual reason is something like Ex "just wasn't feeling it anymore" or "you're a good person, but I started falling in love with New Girl and realized that I admire and care for you, but I'm not feeling romantic toward you anymore." (Someone I know recently had a breakup like that: neither of them already has a new sweetie, but the reason was one of them realizing that he loved his now-ex like a sister, not like a romantic partner.
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

RavenousEdenFleur

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Re: Do you ask mutual friends?
« Reply #10 on: June 01, 2014, 02:22:58 PM »
Sis is looking at what happened with me and my ex, now fiance as some hope... I told her that it may happen, but may not and to focus on her own healing. I was shocked myself, and she knows I had a really hard time with everything too!!

She's hoping to work through it, especially with it being the summer her mutual group of friends have many parties and events and ex will surely be there with the new girl. My sister doesn't want to not go, but she is afraid that either ex will be rude to her, since she has no clue where they stand or she will spend the whole time crying in the bathroom and making a quick exit out the back door. A lot of questions. This was her first long term relationship and break up so she's confused :(

Winterlight

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Re: Do you ask mutual friends?
« Reply #11 on: June 01, 2014, 10:23:25 PM »
Don't ask. There is no way this would end well. At all.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: Do you ask mutual friends?
« Reply #12 on: June 01, 2014, 10:52:48 PM »
Speaking from experience . . . when your heart is broken, you sometimes want to do things that are downright pitiful.  Later you'll regret it.  I'm thinking of one personal incident that makes me cringe 20 years later. 

As others have said, no good will come of involving the Ex's friend. 
It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

purple

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Re: Do you ask mutual friends?
« Reply #13 on: June 01, 2014, 10:59:23 PM »
This has got 'bad idea' written all over it.

RavenousEdenFleur

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Re: Do you ask mutual friends?
« Reply #14 on: June 02, 2014, 12:43:56 AM »
I don't think she is going to :) I mentioned to her it would not be wise, if mutual friend brings it up I think sis is just going to say that she wishes ex well and even though she is still confused about what went on with the break up she will work through it and hopes this will not effect their friendship or make anything awkward! I think that's a good thing to say.