Author Topic: Roomate Having Several Guests Over Update #33  (Read 9538 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Aquamarine

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1890
Re: Roomate Having Several Guests Over
« Reply #15 on: June 03, 2014, 01:32:49 PM »
At this point in time I would probably let it go.  I always found it far easier and preferable to live alone.  You can invite people over when you want to and only have to tolerate what you want to.  There is no drama, no discussions, no hassles with those who don't do or pay their fair share.  No waking up to strangers in your home unless you were the one who invited them in.  Of course there are always wonderful roommates out there but you won't really know who is good or bad until you actually move in with them.

I have heard many horror stories from those with roommates but none from those who had their own places.
Always be polite, even to nasty people. Not because they are nice, but because you are.

Yvaine

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8941
Re: Roomate Having Several Guests Over
« Reply #16 on: June 03, 2014, 01:40:50 PM »
I have heard many horror stories from those with roommates but none from those who had their own places.

Well, that's when you get neighbor horror stories, landlord horror stories (if renting), and so on. Human beings just often annoy each other in close quarters, I think.

miranova

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2204
Re: Roomate Having Several Guests Over
« Reply #17 on: June 03, 2014, 02:37:47 PM »
I think I agree with Toots.  The smoking is a big deal, you shouldn't have to leave your own living room to accommodate a guest smoking.  I would bring that up with your roommate for sure.  Guests shouldn't be sleeping in the common space unless it's cleared with you ahead of time (and I think you can say no).  But the roommate allowing someone to stay in her room for a couple hours....not my hill to die on.  Lock your room if you feel you need to, but I wouldn't fight that battle when you won't be living together much longer. 

Two Ravens

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2326
  • One for sorrow, Two for mirth...
Re: Roomate Having Several Guests Over
« Reply #18 on: June 03, 2014, 02:55:15 PM »
I think I agree with Toots.  The smoking is a big deal, you shouldn't have to leave your own living room to accommodate a guest smoking.  I would bring that up with your roommate for sure.  Guests shouldn't be sleeping in the common space unless it's cleared with you ahead of time (and I think you can say no).  But the roommate allowing someone to stay in her room for a couple hours....not my hill to die on.  Lock your room if you feel you need to, but I wouldn't fight that battle when you won't be living together much longer.

I don't think the guest is smoking in the living room. It's just that the guest is a smoker and enough of the residue clings to her can trigger the OP's allergies.

(I am not entirely sure if its reasonable to ban anyone who smokes from the apartment even if they are not smoking inside...)

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30846
Re: Roomate Having Several Guests Over
« Reply #19 on: June 03, 2014, 02:59:09 PM »
From the OP:
Quote
I was thinking about sitting her down and asking to negotiate a set number of days she'd have people over-after all, we're only down here for two more months. But I wasn't sure, and worse case scenario is that I get total push-back on the idea. I don't even know what a reasonable number of days to have people over would be. (For the record I'm not going to have anyone over myself, but I'd like a hard limit for her or I feel like she's just going to keep coming in, visitor in tow, and saying "Oh, so-and-so's spending the night!"


I think you can do this, and since it looks like you're actually pretty even in terms of who's on the least, you have some clout.


Here's my take on it the bolded:

Two people max, weekends only (or whatever non-work days there are).

And if this is a place you've only lived for 2 months, then I take it back--I think it's OK to say, "she may be your girlfriend but you've only known her for 3 weeks, and I don't want her to be here in our home when you're not here."

I'd be OK w/ people sleeping on the couch when it's traditional sleeping time, but when morning comes for most people, the guest needs to let the living room turn back into the living room.

veronaz

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2225
Re: Roomate Having Several Guests Over
« Reply #20 on: June 03, 2014, 08:56:26 PM »
Quote
IMO, generally, people are better off living in a smaller or not-as-nice place that they can afford alone than with any kind of roommate.  That's the way I've always done it.  I've never shared accommodation with anybody and I've seen plenty of good friendships and even family relationships fall apart when people try to live together.  IMO, it's not worth it.

This ....x100.

blarg314

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8506
Re: Roomate Having Several Guests Over
« Reply #21 on: June 03, 2014, 09:09:22 PM »
In my adult life I've had about 30 different roommates, in three different countries (the result of being in a work study program and then a very mobile field) - friends, total strangers, male, female, working, students, unemployed, single, engaged, married, divorced, separating. And none of those situations were bad - a few got kind of annoying, and some were really good ones where I regretted having to leave. So I definitely don't think that the two options you have are to live on your own, or have to deal with crappy roommates, bad treatment, and broken friendships. Not to mention that in some housing markets, living alone is not an option, particularly for students or starting salaries.

And I do think that the roommate in the OP's case is going over the bounds of what is reasonable, when you combine it all.

Personally, I'd say that if someone has an SO over more than twice a week, it needs to be on the specific agreement of roommates, and the rent and/or utilities need to be adjusted, because they are using space, taking up your hot water, etc. And someone you've been dating for less than a month is *not* in the category of letting them use the apartment when you're not there. You stay with them, or you wake them up in the morning so they can leave with you.

The smoking girlfriend - my understanding is that she doesn't smoke in the apartment, but that the smoke smell clinging to her clothes bothers the OP. If that's the case, then I think that's something the OP has to live with, unless it were discussed  in advance - "No smoking in the apartment" is very different from "No smokers in the apartment". It's similar to, say, having a peanut allergy and needing a peanut free apartment. It's not an unreasonable requirement for a serious allergy, but  it needs to be discussed before moving in, not declared afterwards, even if it's a serious health issue.

Having random guests over - that depends a lot on frequency, the behaviour of the guests, and the inconvenience to the other roommates. I suspect the OP wouldn't be as annoyed if her roommate's crashers were sleeping in the roommate's room, and leaving quietly in the morning, rather than vomiting in a bucked and passing out in the living room. Having guests over 1/3 of the time on average is well beyond having the occasional person crashing. I would also say that having longer term visitors (more than one night) should be addressed on a case by case basis.

And I have heard horror stories from people who lived alone. Spending more than half their income on rent for a terrible apartment is one, or the unhappiness of working a mainly solitary job and coming home to an empty apartment every night, while living in an unfamiliar and/or foreign environment where they don't have many social contacts.

LifeOnPluto

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6642
    • Blog
Re: Roomate Having Several Guests Over
« Reply #22 on: June 03, 2014, 11:35:19 PM »
If the girlfriend (or anyone else) is smoking inside the apartment, you definitely have the right to ask them to go outside. Or ask your housemate to tell them not to smoke inside.

If the smoke residue on her clothes is bothering you, it's more problematic. I don't think you can ban her from the apartment, given she's your housemate's girlfriend.

As for the couch, you would NOT be rude in waking up the sleeping person, and telling them to move up, if you want to sit or watch TV, etc.

Celany

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1610
  • the soul of a cat, in the body of a person...
Re: Roomate Having Several Guests Over
« Reply #23 on: June 04, 2014, 10:44:00 AM »
And I have heard horror stories from people who lived alone. Spending more than half their income on rent for a terrible apartment is one, or the unhappiness of working a mainly solitary job and coming home to an empty apartment every night, while living in an unfamiliar and/or foreign environment where they don't have many social contacts.

Have a hard time getting deliveries, if your building doesn't have a doorman that accepts & your work won't let you do personal packages; having to deal with every leak/cracked wall/toilet issue yourself instead of having a roomie to share the burden with; not having someone handy to help steady the ladder when you need to replace a lightbulb, or build new furniture, or help move furniture; having someone to text & say "oh hey, did I forgot to turn the oven off?" or check other things around the house you might realize after you're too far to go back; having someone to let you in if you leave your keys at home or lose them...

Even just having someone that, if you're sick, will pick you up soup & crackers & gatorade on their way home, so you don't have to go out when you can barely get off the couch.

I do love living with people, so I can't imagine not living with them, for all those reasons & so many more. But even with the best roommates, we've had to put certain things in writing (because everybody has friction sometimes!) but if you have reasonable, smart roommates who just want to have an awesome shared living space, then there is absolutely nothing stressful or unpleasant about that. The good ones that I've had are totally gung-ho about that, because they know it's going to make possible issues be non-issues, or be that much easier to solve.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

Aquamarine

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1890
Re: Roomate Having Several Guests Over
« Reply #24 on: June 04, 2014, 11:07:20 AM »

And I have heard horror stories from people who lived alone. Spending more than half their income on rent for a terrible apartment is one, or the unhappiness of working a mainly solitary job and coming home to an empty apartment every night, while living in an unfamiliar and/or foreign environment where they don't have many social contacts.

Most people could have a roommate within a week or so if they wanted to get one.  However getting rid of a bad roommate is not anywhere near as easy to do and this is the heart of the problem.  It can take months to evict someone, it's expensive, the roommate will probably stop paying for anything and in the interim months you are going to be living with a hostile, angry person that can do who knows what.  If you ask someone to leave and they refuse then you are stuck going the legal eviction route.

A roommate is no guarantee that you are going to come home to someone who is social or even enjoyable to be around.  If you don't know anyone, then find ways to meet people, learn and try new things, if the job is boring look for a new one.  A roommate is not a guarantee that you will even meet the right sort of people. 

If someone feels bad because they work a solitary job and come home to an empty place then honestly that's on them to change their circumstances.  It's not a roommate's job to make anyone's life better, only to pay what they owe and follow the already established rules. 
Always be polite, even to nasty people. Not because they are nice, but because you are.

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30846
Re: Roomate Having Several Guests Over
« Reply #25 on: June 04, 2014, 11:13:36 AM »

If someone feels bad because they work a solitary job and come home to an empty place then honestly that's on them to change their circumstances.

This is amusing to me. How are they supposed to change their circumstances?

Oh, I know! Get a roommate!

Sure, your roommate may not be home when you are, and you may not become close friends. But your home will always have the feeling that someone else is around sometimes.

Psychopoesie

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 917
Re: Roomate Having Several Guests Over
« Reply #26 on: June 04, 2014, 11:14:43 AM »
And I have heard horror stories from people who lived alone. Spending more than half their income on rent for a terrible apartment is one, or the unhappiness of working a mainly solitary job and coming home to an empty apartment every night, while living in an unfamiliar and/or foreign environment where they don't have many social contacts.

Have a hard time getting deliveries, if your building doesn't have a doorman that accepts & your work won't let you do personal packages; having to deal with every leak/cracked wall/toilet issue yourself instead of having a roomie to share the burden with; not having someone handy to help steady the ladder when you need to replace a lightbulb, or build new furniture, or help move furniture; having someone to text & say "oh hey, did I forgot to turn the oven off?" or check other things around the house you might realize after you're too far to go back; having someone to let you in if you leave your keys at home or lose them...

Even just having someone that, if you're sick, will pick you up soup & crackers & gatorade on their way home, so you don't have to go out when you can barely get off the couch.

I do love living with people, so I can't imagine not living with them, for all those reasons & so many more. But even with the best roommates, we've had to put certain things in writing (because everybody has friction sometimes!) but if you have reasonable, smart roommates who just want to have an awesome shared living space, then there is absolutely nothing stressful or unpleasant about that. The good ones that I've had are totally gung-ho about that, because they know it's going to make possible issues be non-issues, or be that much easier to solve.

Whether you (general) prefer sharing or living solo really is just that, a preference.  Only the individual concerned can really say whether it's worth it.

So far, I've managed to climb a ladder change the smoke alarm batteries without a steadying hand from a housemate, despite 12ft ceilings and a fear of heights. Friends and family have been kind enough to help out when I've been really ill. If I want company, I can visit with friends or family. Or phone someone. None of the things listed above have been actual make or break issues.

For me, I'm *so* much happier living by myself. Compared to my experiences of sharing a place, the last several years have been total bliss. I'd be prepared to sleep in something the size of Harry Potter's understairs room if it meant I didn't have to share a house ever again.

If OP is not enjoying having room mates more generally, rather than just this one time, it may be worth exploring going solo for a while and seeing if it's a better fit. (Assuming that's a practical suggestion where the OP will be living.)

LadyJaneinMD

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2558
Re: Roomate Having Several Guests Over
« Reply #27 on: June 04, 2014, 11:39:32 AM »
I've lived in a lot of different roommate situations, and honestly, none of them were ever as bad as some of the stories I read here.

That being said, I have said more than once that I will live in my CAR before I ever share another apartment!

miranova

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2204
Re: Roomate Having Several Guests Over
« Reply #28 on: June 04, 2014, 11:47:43 AM »
I agree, it's a preference, not a rule for all people to follow.

I'd rather walk on broken glass barefoot than have a roommate, but everybody is different!

bah12

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5232
Re: Roomate Having Several Guests Over
« Reply #29 on: June 04, 2014, 11:50:52 AM »
The "suck it up" advice, I think, isn't as relevent here.  If the OP were dependant on her roommate for some sort of financial support, then with just a short lease, I'd tell her to deal with it, but I don't think it's ok to put up with bad behavior simply because the situation isn't lasting long.

First, there are some obvious lessons here.  Negotiate everything.  Casually mentioning something and not defining it specifically when deciding to live with someone isn't smart.  If you aren't comfortable with people you don't know in your space when you or your roommate aren't home, that needs to be specified.  If you can't have smoking in the apartment or live with a smoker, you need to make that clear.  Even if your potential roommate seems like the nicest person on the planet, and even if your potential roommate has been your bestie since Kindergarten, you need to have clear rules and a clear understanding of the rules before moving in.

So, now that the damage is done, how to proceed?  I do think you can and should talk to her. "Roommate, I know we didn't really discuss this before, but I want to sit down and talk about guests, when they come over, how often, where they sleep etc.  I think we can come up with a mutually agreeable arrangement that we are both happy with. I also want to talk about smoking in the house.  My allergies can't handle it, so let's discuss that as well."

The bottom line is that her behavior is not reasonable even for someone who didn't discuss the rules beforehand and I think you have a good leg to stand on when approaching her about the problem.  Hopefully, she will be receptive.  If she's not, then I do agree that you need to figure out a way to both keep your sanity and stay comfortable (even if that means finding another place where you can stay).  Learning life lessons is hard.