Roomate Having Several Guests Over Update #33

[Celany]

And I have heard horror stories from people who lived alone. Spending more than half their income on rent for a terrible apartment is one, or the unhappiness of working a mainly solitary job and coming home to an empty apartment every night, while living in an unfamiliar and/or foreign environment where they don't have many social contacts.

Most people could have a roommate within a week or so if they wanted to get one.  However getting rid of a bad roommate is not anywhere near as easy to do and this is the heart of the problem.  It can take months to evict someone, it's expensive, the roommate will probably stop paying for anything and in the interim months you are going to be living with a hostile, angry person that can do who knows what.  If you ask someone to leave and they refuse then you are stuck going the legal eviction route.

A roommate is no guarantee that you are going to come home to someone who is social or even enjoyable to be around.  If you don't know anyone, then find ways to meet people, learn and try new things, if the job is boring look for a new one.  A roommate is not a guarantee that you will even meet the right sort of people. 

If someone feels bad because they work a solitary job and come home to an empty place then honestly that's on them to change their circumstances.  It's not a roommate's job to make anyone's life better, only to pay what they owe and follow the already established rules.

I don't want to get the thread shut down because of wading into legal territory, but I hope I can safely say that who is on the lease & the local laws (if there are any) about people living in a place where they are not listed on the lease can vary dramatically. So this is not necessarily that much of a problem.

Legal slant aside, the two worst roommate experiences I had involved 1 unpleasant/disrespectful person and 2-3 roommates that all got along very well. In both cases, the problem roommate moved out super-fast, because the combined hostility of 2-3 people (plus having 2-3 people around to call them on any crap they tried to pull, nearly any time of day, as we had different schedules) easily cancelled out their hostility.

In one case the person moving out was a friend of all of ours. Just lived very differently. And even though we barely spoke for about a year after, we did get back to getting to be friends eventually.

The other person was someone I found on AirBnB who seemed like a great match, but turned out to be a nightmare. But she also left quickly, because she ticked off everybody else, and the group fury was no match for her own level of (mental instability-fueled) fury.

[bopper]

"ROomie, I wanted to talk about guests and what not.  When we talked about having guests over, I wasn't aware that it was going to be 8 days out of 21.   I wasn't aware that they were going to be sleeping on the couch. I wasn't aware that one is a smoker.   That makes it so I can't go out into the living room 1/3 of the time and that isn't cool.  Also I wasn't aware that they would be here without you.  Does it sound reasonable for your guests to sleep in your room, for your guests (excepting girl friend) not to be here when you are not here.  I have asthma reactions when I smell smoke, so maybe you and I and girlfriend could come up with some guidelines so that I don't have a reaction."

[blarg314]

If an individual person doesn't like having roommates, then that's entirely up to them. People who don't like roommates tend to make bad roommates anyways, in my experience (there's nothing like living with someone who resents your basic existence), so it's a better option all round.

But there have been some people who seem to be saying that having roommates is an inherently bad thing and the only way to not end up in a horrible roommate situation is to live by yourself. And that's not my personal experience - I've had tons of roommates without major problems, and  I have had situations where I've deliberately gotten roommates because, for me and in those circumstances, it was better than living alone.

Come to think of it, the only unpleasant situation I've had was the one year I lived alone. It was in a grotty, tiny, very dark, unairconditioned basement suite with once a week laundry access. The carpet was ugly, and wasn't even a whole piece - it was bits left over from another project trimmed and used to tile the floor. The bathroom had faulty wiring. And the landlady had no understanding of landlord-tenant rights (this was a legal suite) and would come into the place whenever she felt like it, and re-arrange stuff to suit her, and object to me having people over to visit.  And this cost me 40% of my post-tuition salary.

And when I decided that I didn't like it and would rather share, I had to wait out the full year lease before I could get a place with a roommate, when for the same price I was sharing a bright, spacious two bedroom apartment with an amazing view and only minimal roaches.

[Adelaide]

The initial situation has largely resolved itself; she's gone to visit her s/o this past weekend and I essentially had the place to myself for three days. I don't think having people over is going to continue to be an issue. I would also like to add that money isn't an issue for either of us; we just thought it would be a good deal to get a two-bedroom together.

Unfortunately, we now have a new issue. I've decided to work more of a 7:30-4:30 or 8-4 shift instead of the 9:30-5:30 shift and yesterday I got up before my alarm went off. She sleeps in earplugs so I wasn't trying to be *extra* quiet, but I certainly don't bang around in the kitchen when I'm cooking breakfast. She asked me if I was going to be up that early from now on, and I replied that I probably would be up earlier from now on, to which she replied "I don't like being randomly woken up before my alarm and my earplugs fall out at night." I said that I was sorry and would try to be quieter but I would definitely be getting up earlier, and she said "Oh. Then I'll probably get up and leave earlier. I don't like interacting with people in the morning." (By the way, this puts her leaving for work by about 5:30 a.m. every day just to avoid me.)

Why did you get a roommate then?  I have to live here too. However, with this increasingly long list of things that bug her, I feel perfectly within my bounds to veto having people over for long stretches of time. I get the sense that I've irritated her somehow. For instance, she beats me home and is usually eating dinner when I walk in. By the time I make and finish dinner she's usually in her room, but lately she's been inhaling her food and retreating to her room, and only going into common areas when I'm not there. I'm actually okay with this. She's not being rude or anything, but I just get the idea that she doesn't want to be around me, which is fine.

[ladyknight1]

That makes no sense. Why live with other people when you feel put out that they are up in the morning, going about their business as usual?

Such is the reason that I won't share a vacation rental with my parents. They want to be up early and make lots of noise, but if you get up and make noise, they are annoyed.

[PastryGoddess]

That makes no sense. Why live with other people when you feel put out that they are up in the morning, going about their business as usual?

Such is the reason that I won't share a vacation rental with my parents. They want to be up early and make lots of noise, but if you get up and make noise, they are annoyed.

Some people may not realize how different it is to live with other people. 

[fountainof]

By the way, this puts her leaving for work by about 5:30 a.m. every day just to avoid me.

Wow, that is just weird, why doesn't she just stay in her room if she doesn't want to interact with people?  So now she will get up early and leave before you wake up?

[Adelaide]

By the way, this puts her leaving for work by about 5:30 a.m. every day just to avoid me.

Wow, that is just weird, why doesn't she just stay in her room if she doesn't want to interact with people?  So now she will get up early and leave before you wake up?

She leaves early anyway. I tend to get up and linger more, so she'd be running behind when she likes to get there if she waited for me to leave for the day.

[Sophia]

Wow.  She doesn't like being around her roommate, who you would sort of expect to share common areas with.  But, she expects you to be OK with sharing your common area with random friends she brings home. 

[VorFemme]

There are lots of times when my spouse & I are on different circadian rhythms - he has always been a person who gets up early and has lots of energy in the morning.  I am not a morning person at all.  To those of an earlier generation - we are the very stereotype that proves Erma Bombeck's comments about larks always marrying owls had a lot of truth to them...

I have observed that having bedrooms at different ends of the household is the only way to go if people have really different circadian rhythms - and planning ahead so that noises in the common areas doesn't prove too loud in the bedrooms while anyone is sleeping.  Granted, most places aren't set up that way - but there are things you can do to help...

If you are doing those things (not banging cabinet doors, not singing in the shower, and keeping any news or weather reports on the radio or tv to a minimal sound level - examples only) - then the roommate is displaying a lot more sensitivity to things that bother them than to things that bother you.

[Amara]

This sounds like one of those situations where it's going to escalate in minute increments. In other words, neither of you is going to be hostile but those tiny irritations are going to continue to grow.

I see that you signed a lease. Would it help if you asked her if you could talk; maybe one of you might move out since money isn't an issue. If it could be a mutual, and mutually satisfying, decision then things could be done in a nice way. Sometimes roommate situations, even with both parties trying, just don't work. Best to get out them if you can.

[Adelaide]

This sounds like one of those situations where it's going to escalate in minute increments. In other words, neither of you is going to be hostile but those tiny irritations are going to continue to grow.

I see that you signed a lease. Would it help if you asked her if you could talk; maybe one of you might move out since money isn't an issue. If it could be a mutual, and mutually satisfying, decision then things could be done in a nice way. Sometimes roommate situations, even with both parties trying, just don't work. Best to get out them if you can.

We're only here for another month and to be honest, what we have going now doesn't bother me. The hassle of moving would be more trouble than it's worth. I don't let things escalate. I will take a step back (as I did when I made this thread) to see if my thinking is off or unreasonable, but I'm known more for being too blunt than for letting things get out of hand. There's nothing passive about my aggression.

[purple]

Just keep your cool and look for a new place so you can move the day the lease ends.

Or, if money isn't a problem, would it really hurt you that much to just pay the last month's rent and move out now anyway?

Perhaps during this last month it might be a good time to do as much overtime as you can and get everything caught up at work, or perhaps to take weekend getaways to not-too-far-away places.

You can get through another few weeks. 

[TootsNYC]

Since she's obviously pissy, my suggestion would be for you to do what you can to keep the atmosphere low-conflict and mild. Just for your own pleasantness.

I would try to be mildly pleasant, but distant and absorbed, when she's around. Give her some privacy even if I'm there.

I'd try to keep my mornings quiet and contained (i.e., try to do everything in one room, then move to another); if she happened to get up while I was there, I'd nod and then ignore her (not pointedly or rudely, but just be focused on my life instead of trying to be friendly).

I might try to plan out my time, and then reveal in advance when it is that I'm not going to be around.

[Celany]

This sounds like one of those situations where it's going to escalate in minute increments. In other words, neither of you is going to be hostile but those tiny irritations are going to continue to grow.

I see that you signed a lease. Would it help if you asked her if you could talk; maybe one of you might move out since money isn't an issue. If it could be a mutual, and mutually satisfying, decision then things could be done in a nice way. Sometimes roommate situations, even with both parties trying, just don't work. Best to get out them if you can.

We're only here for another month and to be honest, what we have going now doesn't bother me. The hassle of moving would be more trouble than it's worth. I don't let things escalate. I will take a step back (as I did when I made this thread) to see if my thinking is off or unreasonable, but I'm known more for being too blunt than for letting things get out of hand. There's nothing passive about my aggression.

Sooooo...she did a bunch of things that really bothered you, you weren't passive in showing her that you were bothered, and now she's avoiding you? Am I reading this correctly?

Did you end up talking to her at all about any of the issues? Or were you just...aggressive in a non-passive way?

Even if things are "mostly resolved" it sounds like you might need to clear the air & maybe talk about making a fresh start, so the rest of your time together is more pleasant for both of you.