However, once details were finalized I got the feeling that FIL wasnít happy and I asked DH if we were going to get a visit from SIL and BIL expressing how unfair the arrangements are and that MIL and FIL need more time with DD. Sure enough, out of the blue BIL and SIL want to see us. We havenít been to their place in over two years I think, maybe more.
The bolded part - if I were the OP's husband, and someone contacted me like that (specifically someone that I haven't been speaking to, because of some sort of fall-out), would it be considered rude to ask "Well, Joe, you haven't had us over in two years. What's changed?"
I ask because I have bluntly, but politely, asked people similar things before. I only ask when I know
that I am so over whatever original thing happened (assuming that I was upset about it in the first place) that it comes out in a neutral-but-friendly voice.
Sometimes when I ask, people are surprised, but then they seem grateful that we're not going to have to do some absurd song & dance. Sometimes when I ask, people get enormously offended & accuse me of being combative or rude. To which I usually reply (in the same voice) "I'm not raising my voice & I haven't used any negative words. But the last time we saw each other, we didn't part on good terms. So I'd like to know what changed between now & then". If the person that I'm talking to did something that was definitely rude/hurtful/unpleasant to me the last time I saw them, I'll often add in a "are you going to apologize for X?". Because if they're not, I'm not going to waste time trying to figure out what's going on, when I really want nothing to do with them unless they're realized what they did was wrong, and are ready to own up to it. For the record, that last thing is pretty rare. I think the last time I did it was when I broke up (civilly) with guy who completely flipped out, called me every name in the book, told mutual friends that I was a "crazy female dog who was going to be sorry for what she did" & then, after he calmed down, wanted to be friends again a few months later (we'd been friends for about a year before we started dating
). So...nope, if you're not gonna own up to being a terrible person & tell me that you realize how wrong that was & that you're not doing it any more, I'm not interested.
So anyways, back to my original question - is it rude to ask what's changed? Or to do any of those things?