Author Topic: Things that, upon analysis, aren't really Special Snowflake  (Read 4636 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: Things that, upon analysis, aren't really Special Snowflake
« Reply #15 on: June 05, 2014, 10:45:19 PM »
I head that off, actually--I'll verbally say, "Why don't I get us all started?" or "Oh, is no one in line yet? I'll go first, so you can all be comfortable going second."

I also interact w/ the people who join me in line, or I'll encourage someone nearby to come get in line too.

I think most people do see it as "oh, finally, someone started the line." I've had people mention my going first using words that indicate they get it.

CakeEater

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Re: Things that, upon analysis, aren't really Special Snowflake
« Reply #16 on: June 05, 2014, 10:51:10 PM »
I head that off, actually--I'll verbally say, "Why don't I get us all started?" or "Oh, is no one in line yet? I'll go first, so you can all be comfortable going second."

I also interact w/ the people who join me in line, or I'll encourage someone nearby to come get in line too.

I think most people do see it as "oh, finally, someone started the line." I've had people mention my going first using words that indicate they get it.

I do that at a party. When the host is encouraging people to eat and no one will start off, I just start off.

Since having kids, I've dramatically changed my opinion on what makes a parent a special snowflake. This is one occasions where, 'you'll understand once you are older/have kids/etc' has definitely held true for me.

Deetee

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Re: Things that, upon analysis, aren't really Special Snowflake
« Reply #17 on: June 05, 2014, 11:49:55 PM »
Since having kids, I've dramatically changed my opinion on what makes a parent a special snowflake. This is one occasions where, 'you'll understand once you are older/have kids/etc' has definitely held true for me.

That is so true! I certainly don't demand that my children be served first, but it's quite often you'll hear me say "Does anyone mind if I start the kids' plates right now, just to head off a crisis?" The answer has always been a resounding "please, go ahead!" It may appear SS to ask if my kids can go first, sometimes even before everything has hit the table, but in the grand scheme of things, it's really what's best for everyone.
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Right. Before I had kids, I would NEVER considering serving myself until all the food is on the table and hosts have started serving. Now I start their plates as soon as possible so they have a chance to cool down and then I don't need to spend the first five minutes blowing on bits of food so they can eat something without getting burnt.

The kids start eating at the same time, but the food is at that nice tepid temperature they prefer.


Sirius

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Re: Things that, upon analysis, aren't really Special Snowflake
« Reply #18 on: June 06, 2014, 01:04:18 AM »
My mom did that! Same reason as me and the buffet line--and I'd forgotten it until you said this. At church, she led us right up to the 2nd row (not the 1st, bcs we didn't have enough people). But she knew that if -someone- didn't sit far up, everyone in the church would sit in the back half. (Because it had happened.) Once she started making us sit in Row 2, then we had more people sitting farther forward.

I did this, too.  I remember one church I visited when I was single where it ended up the first row empty, me sitting in the second row, three more empty pews, then the rest of the congregation. 

knitwicca

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Re: Things that, upon analysis, aren't really Special Snowflake
« Reply #19 on: June 06, 2014, 07:51:59 AM »
Quote
I feel like people who do the things that Toots and myself do are often labelled as pushy or not meek and humble enough,

I am a take-charge sort as well. And have been labelled pushy, arrogant, demanding, etc.
But, darn it, someone has to make a decision!

Thank you for making me feel less alone. 

(fwiw, there are people in my IRL circle who appreciate my taking charge.)

workerbee

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Re: Things that, upon analysis, aren't really Special Snowflake
« Reply #20 on: June 06, 2014, 09:56:25 AM »
I live my life and try to be aware of those around me and considerate to them, but I'm also smart enough to know that some 'considerations' really are just more work and inconvenience to everyone else...even if it doesn't appear that way on the surface.  I could worry about other people might think, but as long as I'm comfortable with my actions and the motivations behind those actions, then I couldn't possibly care less what some strangers/busy bodies think of it.

I could not agree with you more! I think, living in the Southern US, that some of my contemporaries (and most certainly the generation of women before me) were taught that to be a "lady" you must defer to others at all times and never express an opinion of your own.  In the case of my MIL, this comes out, over and over and over, as "I thought I would sit here, oh, but does anyone else prefer this seat, I'm happy to give you my seat if you'd like it better, no, please take my seat....." Repeat every single time you're making a decision on anything. It absolutely drives us crazy! Rather than seeming polite or gracious, she comes across as very difficult for us, because she will never just make a decision and stick with it. As her family, we love her and want to see her happy, but we can never figure out what would do that!
« Last Edit: June 06, 2014, 09:58:09 AM by workerbee »

TootsNYC

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Re: Things that, upon analysis, aren't really Special Snowflake
« Reply #21 on: June 06, 2014, 09:59:42 AM »
Plus, then the person who is trying to decide where *she*  (or he) is going to sit is made to feel that she's imposing on someone like MIL by even deciding, even if she decides to sit somewhere else. Because she's not taking MIL up on her offer, or because she does want to sit in that seat.

Yvaine

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Re: Things that, upon analysis, aren't really Special Snowflake
« Reply #22 on: June 06, 2014, 10:03:05 AM »
I think that awkward shuffle people do in order to avoid going first can cause irritating delays. Sometimes I think people believe that assertive people who go first all the time are being special snowflakes, when in reality, they are actually making things move faster.

I do this deliberately. I believe God put us on earth to serve one another (there's a logic fail here, actually, but let's not get into that), and one of the way I do that is by going first in the buffet line. (I used to always be first in the girls' section of the 3rd grade end-of-recess line as well, bcs I was willing to be the buffer zone betw. girls & boys.)

Going first at the door, whether you're a man or a woman--if you're going to be in the way, just go first.

People who take a seat on the subway when others are standing--if you're closest, then sitting down gets you out of the standing space with the least amount of jostling. I've seen people try to give the seat in front of them to someone else, and it takes all kinds of juggling people around while the train is moving, and it's more awkward than if they just sat down.

I also do these thing deliberately. I think there's some social bravery involved in going first, because even though we are the ones doing it, it can still feel awkward to us. I'm willing to absorb some of that awkwardness so that the next person doesn't have to.

I do this too.  ;D I call it being the Designated Glutton. I don't think it's actually gluttonous, but that the reason people hang back is so they don't look too eager for the food. So I figure I'll just admit I'm eager for the food and dive in. This was especially the case when I worked at a particular office where there was a lot of dieting one-upwomanship. The halving and halving and halving the last donut was a chronic thing too.

ladyknight1

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Re: Things that, upon analysis, aren't really Special Snowflake
« Reply #23 on: June 06, 2014, 10:03:16 AM »
^ My mom does that. She looks aghast at me, wondering where she went wrong.  8)

My other non-SS quality is that I will order what I want at a restaurant and really don't care what anyone thinks. We have experienced several meals out with other couples and family where someone will order something cheap, or small, or plain because they want to be perceived as *insert quality here*. Both my mom and youngest sister will order the cheapest thing on the menu, even if it is something they don't like! They pick at the food once it comes and are sad and moody the rest of the meal.

What's the point?

Lynn2000

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Re: Things that, upon analysis, aren't really Special Snowflake
« Reply #24 on: June 06, 2014, 10:16:47 AM »
In a restaurant, I want my food the way I asked for it, the way the server assured me it could be. I said no onions, there are onions, take it back and fix it, please. I hope I'm polite and straightforward about it.

I think my dad gets a little huffy and takes it as a personal insult when his food isn't right, and that makes things awkward. But if one is polite and pleasant, but firm, I don't think it should be a problem.
~Lynn2000

lowspark

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Re: Things that, upon analysis, aren't really Special Snowflake
« Reply #25 on: June 06, 2014, 10:18:32 AM »
I do hate to be pushy, but when 12 of us are discussing where to go for dinner, once the type of restaurant is decided, like Culver's vs Steak'n'Shake or Olive Garden vs. Texas Steakhouse, I will decide. I could let it go on for another 20 minutes, but Darn it! I'm hungry. I don't really care! Let's just go!

Ah yes. I call this resolving group indecision. Even if the group is just two of us. No one wants to step up and decide or even express a preference for fear of being seen as, well, for lack of a better word, bossy. Me? I'm known as the bossy one among my groups of friends but you know, in a good way.  ;D I always say, if you need someone to tell you what to do, come see me.

But you know, sometimes people actually do need someone to tell them what to do. If it's just so that they won't feel like they appear to be the snowflake or if it's just because they really can't decide. I'm happy to just come out and say, I'd prefer xyz so unless anyone objects, let's do that. I believe that there are people who are relieved and grateful when someone takes the lead like that.

lowspark

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Re: Things that, upon analysis, aren't really Special Snowflake
« Reply #26 on: June 06, 2014, 10:22:41 AM »
Regarding going first in the buffet line, I actually run across this issue as a party host when I have a buffet as opposed to a sit down meal. No one wants to go first. My solution is to actually select someone to do so. Usually, people group up into separate clumps and when it's time to eat, I'll just approach one of the groups and say, food is ready, will y'all please go ahead and get the line started? That way no one seems like they are jumping to be first, after all, the host asked them to start, and everyone else can follow since someone else has already taken the lead.

Carotte

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Re: Things that, upon analysis, aren't really Special Snowflake
« Reply #27 on: June 06, 2014, 10:29:04 AM »
I do hate to be pushy, but when 12 of us are discussing where to go for dinner, once the type of restaurant is decided, like Culver's vs Steak'n'Shake or Olive Garden vs. Texas Steakhouse, I will decide. I could let it go on for another 20 minutes, but Darn it! I'm hungry. I don't really care! Let's just go!

Ah yes. I call this resolving group indecision. Even if the group is just two of us. No one wants to step up and decide or even express a preference for fear of being seen as, well, for lack of a better word, bossy. Me? I'm known as the bossy one among my groups of friends but you know, in a good way.  ;D I always say, if you need someone to tell you what to do, come see me.

And then there's those that are only playing the polite "what do you want game" and when you say "oh, let's go to X" starts to uhh and ahhh and they would rather not but can't come up with anything else  >:( >:( . Against the cliché it was me (female) making a decision for once, and SO (male) who wouldn't decide. Way to make me want to assert myself more  ::).

Yvaine

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Re: Things that, upon analysis, aren't really Special Snowflake
« Reply #28 on: June 06, 2014, 10:34:04 AM »
I do hate to be pushy, but when 12 of us are discussing where to go for dinner, once the type of restaurant is decided, like Culver's vs Steak'n'Shake or Olive Garden vs. Texas Steakhouse, I will decide. I could let it go on for another 20 minutes, but Darn it! I'm hungry. I don't really care! Let's just go!

Ah yes. I call this resolving group indecision. Even if the group is just two of us. No one wants to step up and decide or even express a preference for fear of being seen as, well, for lack of a better word, bossy. Me? I'm known as the bossy one among my groups of friends but you know, in a good way.  ;D I always say, if you need someone to tell you what to do, come see me.

And then there's those that are only playing the polite "what do you want game" and when you say "oh, let's go to X" starts to uhh and ahhh and they would rather not but can't come up with anything else  >:( >:( . Against the cliché it was me (female) making a decision for once, and SO (male) who wouldn't decide. Way to make me want to assert myself more  ::).

Oh, man. One of my exes would do this. He never knew where he wanted to go, but if I picked, he'd be silent and sulky throughout the meal and I'd finally tease out of him that he really, really didn't want Mexican food that night or whatever. I finally started asking him if there was anything he was sure he didn't want.

AfleetAlex

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Re: Things that, upon analysis, aren't really Special Snowflake
« Reply #29 on: June 06, 2014, 11:05:09 AM »
This very topic is one of the things that I am learning to have a spine about, so I'm glad you brought it up! Some of my friends and family will dither about where we're going to eat or what activity we're going to do, and I used to feel so guilty just picking something and then worrying if someone would be upset.

Now I just say, "If nobody's got a preference, let's do X," and I figure they've had plenty of time to object, so if somebody is going to sulk or complain, I will remind them they didn't speak up...and I don't feel the least bit guilty anymore! (I had to learn it is not my job to make sure other people are happy, something I learned both in life and on E-Hell!)
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