Author Topic: To Reestablish Contact or Not  (Read 5538 times)

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Margo

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Re: To Reestablish Contact or Not
« Reply #30 on: June 09, 2014, 05:14:13 AM »
I think the first question is whether you want to reestablish contact. If so, then a brief message, asking after her and the children, saying that you regret that the two of you haven't had the opportunity to catch up since the wedding, and mentioning a couple of things about your life would be the way to go.

She hasn't commented on your engagements, but equally, you didn't initially comment on her children - she may have missed your announcement as you missed hers, it's easy to do.

I would not bring up the issue of what some third party says that some other third party says that you may have done several years ago.

And if she doesn't respond to your message then I would step back and leave things. You've not seen her or had anything to do with her for several years now, so even if she doesn't respond, you've lost nothing, you are back in the same place as you're in now.


 

lowspark

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Re: To Reestablish Contact or Not
« Reply #31 on: June 09, 2014, 09:49:06 AM »
I have had the experience (multiple times) of trying to reconnect with old friends with whom I lost touch over the years, both from high school, college, and early career. Inevitably the same thing happens. We get together, we catch each other up on our lives since we last were in touch and then, well, then, we really don't have much more to say. We've both moved on and are now at completely different places in our lives. We no longer have a current common experience on which to base the reconnection.

This especially holds true for you and your friend. She is now a mother of twins whereas you are in the stage of getting engaged. Totally different places. Now, if you two were currently best of friends, this difference wouldn't matter, but I think trying to reconnect now after all this time, again, with no current common ground, is going to be difficult at best.

Now add to this the issue of the supposed offense at her wedding and I just think you're hoping for something that has almost no chance of succeeding. Remember that even in the last vestiges of your friendship, you were the one who was doing all the initiating of contact.

Quote
Once we hit college we started drifting apart as we got busier and busier but we still sort of kept in touch Ė mostly by me shooting off a hey whatís up IM.

So, whether or not you said something she didn't like at her wedding, I'd say there's little chance this friendship can be rekindled. I'd just move on.

veronaz

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Re: To Reestablish Contact or Not
« Reply #32 on: June 09, 2014, 12:39:52 PM »
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Remember that even in the last vestiges of your friendship, you were the one who was doing all the initiating of contact.

This is a very important point.  It not only applies to OPís situation, but  relationships in general.

TootsNYC

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Re: To Reestablish Contact or Not
« Reply #33 on: June 09, 2014, 01:42:49 PM »
I had drifted from a pair of friends, and then invited them to my wedding.

They were delighted; they came; I was delighted. We stayed in contact a little and then drifted again--I took that 2nd drift as a sign that the relationship was finding its own level.

But with one of those women, the drift was only partial. We stayed in touch--again, it found its own level. And we visited them on a road trip; she visited me after her divorce; we sent a wedding present when she remarried. And we're friends on Facebook now, and would see each other in person if we happened to be near one another.

So I think it probably can't hurt.

(And I would not blame her for "sending her mother with messages" to your dad--I don't think it's a reasonable assumption about what happened. Pretend that part never happened, and see what happens.)

peach2play

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Re: To Reestablish Contact or Not
« Reply #34 on: June 09, 2014, 05:38:43 PM »
Do you miss your friend or do you miss the friend she was?  If you do contact her, I would ask her about the comment at the wedding and attempt to clear the air.  See how that plays out, but remember, you both are very different people than you were.  Things won't be the same.  Could be great though. 

bopper

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Re: To Reestablish Contact or Not
« Reply #35 on: June 10, 2014, 10:26:11 AM »
I say if you want to see it the relationship is salvagable...go ahead. If she doesn't want to have contact, you will know soon enough.  I would start with something low risk like complimenting her on pictures of the babies.  If she responds, perhaps later try to figure out what was going on.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: To Reestablish Contact or Not
« Reply #36 on: June 10, 2014, 10:55:19 AM »
Did she even reply after you congratulated her on the twins?
If no then I wouldn't bother, you were the last one to make a move, it's her turn, and she has the perfect opening (your FB post).

This is how I feel, too.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
Ontario

MindsEye

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Re: To Reestablish Contact or Not
« Reply #37 on: June 10, 2014, 12:16:19 PM »
Do you miss your friend or do you miss the friend she was?  If you do contact her, I would ask her about the comment at the wedding and attempt to clear the air.  See how that plays out, but remember, you both are very different people than you were.  Things won't be the same.  Could be great though.

If you do contact her, I wouldn't bother addressing the supposed "comment at the wedding" (which you are only hearing about third hand at best... her to her mom to your mom to you) at all.  If it is something that she feels strongly about, she should bring it up to you herself and not enlist other people to carry messages for her. 


TootsNYC

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Re: To Reestablish Contact or Not
« Reply #38 on: June 10, 2014, 12:50:20 PM »
Also, what if she was miffed, then. But not so miffed that it was really big thing. She vented to her mom; her mom blew it out of proportion.

Later, she thought it wasn't such a big deal, and now that she's vented, she can see that she wasn't really all that reasonable, and so she decides it's not something to pursue, and in fact she has -forgotten- it.

And now it's going to become an "issue" between the two of you? Let it lie. Give her room to get over it; I would bet that she already has.


Personally, I don't see much of a downside in testing to see if there's a chance at some level of friendliness between you. What's the worst? That she won't respond, or will but then fades out.

So I vote for sending a note directly to her on Facebook, and see what develops.
Or, just click "like" a few times, and chime in w/ a small note here and there, and see what happens. Just as you would in making a new friend.
   Because that's what you're trying to do, really. You're starting fresh, really. It's just that there would be memories that are a bonus attachment.

ChynaRose

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Re: To Reestablish Contact or Not
« Reply #39 on: June 10, 2014, 07:35:20 PM »
Op here. I'd like to thank everybody for their help/advise/point of view.

Social interactions aren't all that easy for me and I know I have a number of social issues that I need to work on (like picking up the subtler cues, not babbling on about things, limiting the amount of time I'm chewing on my shoes; I'm getting better at those but there's still plenty of room for improvement). Unfortunately this leads to a little (or sometimes a lot) of second guessing when I'm thrown a for a loop and I do need an outside source to help me figure out what the appropriate course is (even if it means that I'm the one in the wrong).

I never really did put much stock in what the mom said to me since she's had a history of being a bit on the flighty side. I admit that what she said threw me for a loop since I honestly couldn't remember what I said or did at the wedding that might've set former BFF off. Ultimately I ended up taking the stance that if former BFF was mad at me and wanted an apology she could darn well tell me herself (as well as what the apology was for since I had no clue) and if she was cutting me off than I would respect her decision and not try to force unwanted contact with her.

I don't expect that, even if we end up reconnecting, we'll ever get back to the closeness we had before. And I'm fine with letting the friendship fade (as much as it can with posts showing in FB feeds). It'd be nice if we could go back to being friends but it's ok if that never happens. Differing life stages aside, I'm really not sure how much our interests are in common anymore (a few interesting science and a single Game of Thrones post that I've caught tell me very little). We don't have any friends in common that I'm aware of and we aren't all that geographically close (NYC/LI is funny like that) so it's not like I'd have a high chance of randomly running into her somewhere.

Mostly I guess I'm just a bit confused over what is right/proper since the vastly differing attitudes of the mom from then and my GM from now are each planting their own little seeds of doubt and making the nostalgia vs maintaining the current status quo debate muddier.

Ceallach

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Re: To Reestablish Contact or Not
« Reply #40 on: June 13, 2014, 01:46:33 AM »
Op here. I'd like to thank everybody for their help/advise/point of view.

Social interactions aren't all that easy for me and I know I have a number of social issues that I need to work on (like picking up the subtler cues, not babbling on about things, limiting the amount of time I'm chewing on my shoes; I'm getting better at those but there's still plenty of room for improvement). Unfortunately this leads to a little (or sometimes a lot) of second guessing when I'm thrown a for a loop and I do need an outside source to help me figure out what the appropriate course is (even if it means that I'm the one in the wrong).

I never really did put much stock in what the mom said to me since she's had a history of being a bit on the flighty side. I admit that what she said threw me for a loop since I honestly couldn't remember what I said or did at the wedding that might've set former BFF off. Ultimately I ended up taking the stance that if former BFF was mad at me and wanted an apology she could darn well tell me herself (as well as what the apology was for since I had no clue) and if she was cutting me off than I would respect her decision and not try to force unwanted contact with her.

I don't expect that, even if we end up reconnecting, we'll ever get back to the closeness we had before. And I'm fine with letting the friendship fade (as much as it can with posts showing in FB feeds). It'd be nice if we could go back to being friends but it's ok if that never happens. Differing life stages aside, I'm really not sure how much our interests are in common anymore (a few interesting science and a single Game of Thrones post that I've caught tell me very little). We don't have any friends in common that I'm aware of and we aren't all that geographically close (NYC/LI is funny like that) so it's not like I'd have a high chance of randomly running into her somewhere.

Mostly I guess I'm just a bit confused over what is right/proper since the vastly differing attitudes of the mom from then and my GM from now are each planting their own little seeds of doubt and making the nostalgia vs maintaining the current status quo debate muddier.


In that case it's very easy - you have absolutely no social obligation whatsoever to reach out to this person or establish any contact.  In terms of etiquette you're in the clear.      :)
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