Author Topic: Just found out I'm a bridesmaid 'for balance'  (Read 2349 times)

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green.and.blue

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Just found out I'm a bridesmaid 'for balance'
« on: July 06, 2014, 07:57:36 AM »
My DH's brother is getting married in two weeks. DH is the best man, our DD is flower girl, and I am a bridesmaid. I was quite surprised to be asked to be a bridesmaid, actually. I like my soon to be SIL well enough, but she has not been dating my BIL for that long (they are expecting, actually, though as they are late-30s I understand the ticking clock concerns!) and we have not spent a lot of time together. I did invite her for a girls-only brunch right after they announced their engagement. Regardless, I was surprised, but pleasantly.

Yesterday was one of her bridal showers, mostly for my DH's family on both sides, and their family friends. I was the only bridesmaid in attendance at this one. Apparently she has already had a shower for her side of the family, and a 'friends' shower, that I heard about yesterday. I did bridesmaidly things like keep track of gifts and help my MIL and her sister decorate, make food, and set things up.

While we chatted, DH's aunt asked me if I was the only bridesmaid (I was, after all, the only one there). Soon to be SIL overheard and laughing said, "Oh, no! I have six girls standing up with me! BIL couldn't trim his list, so I had to scrounge around to fill my side!"

Well, colour me mortified. I am doing my best to laugh this off/ignore it, but my feelings are hurt. And my wallet, considering the costs of being a bridesmaid. :(

Kaymar

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Re: Just found out I'm a bridesmaid 'for balance'
« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2014, 08:09:34 AM »
Wow, that was really rude of her.  I see a lot of gals on wedding websites talk about wanting their sides to be "even," which I find completely ridiculous, but that's me.  My fiancÚ is having a best man but I am having no MOH or bridesmaids, partly because I did not want to put any of my friends through the expense and stress of serving in that role, but more so did not want to risk hurt feelings. 

The idea that she only invited you to one of her three (!) showers is not bad, since you should not be expected to go to more than one of the same type of gift-giving event, but both the sentiment that she was "scrounging" for attendants and the fact that she said it out loud in connection with you is beyond rude.  I'm sorry.

MorgnsGrl

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Re: Just found out I'm a bridesmaid 'for balance'
« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2014, 08:13:44 AM »
both the sentiment that she was "scrounging" for attendants and the fact that she said it out loud in connection with you is beyond rude.  I'm sorry.

+1  She should never have said that. So rude and hurtful.

TheaterDiva1

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Re: Just found out I'm a bridesmaid 'for balance'
« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2014, 08:22:41 AM »
Well, she didn't say she had to scrounge YOU up... Maybe you were farther up on her list than you think and she had to scrounge to find others?

cicero

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Re: Just found out I'm a bridesmaid 'for balance'
« Reply #4 on: July 06, 2014, 08:33:15 AM »
Well, she didn't say she had to scrounge YOU up... Maybe you were farther up on her list than you think and she had to scrounge to find others?
agree. why do you think she meant that you were an afterthought?

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Kaymar

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Re: Just found out I'm a bridesmaid 'for balance'
« Reply #5 on: July 06, 2014, 08:40:50 AM »
Well, she didn't say she had to scrounge YOU up... Maybe you were farther up on her list than you think and she had to scrounge to find others?
agree. why do you think she meant that you were an afterthought?

You definitely don't have to interpret it that she was referring to the OP, but it was a rude/tacky thing to say in any case, in no small part because it's at least open to the interpretation that the OP could be included in the "scrounged up" list.
« Last Edit: July 06, 2014, 09:07:10 AM by Kaymar »

Venus193

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Re: Just found out I'm a bridesmaid 'for balance'
« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2014, 08:54:14 AM »
Incredible cheek of her to say that.  What was the general reaction?

Would it be rude to call her out on that in private?

Cz. Burrito

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Re: Just found out I'm a bridesmaid 'for balance'
« Reply #7 on: July 06, 2014, 09:06:43 AM »
Wow. How awful.  :(

ladyknight1

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Re: Just found out I'm a bridesmaid 'for balance'
« Reply #8 on: July 06, 2014, 12:49:14 PM »
I'm hoping it was a foot in the mouth kind of response, but it is still hurtful.

doodlemor

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Re: Just found out I'm a bridesmaid 'for balance'
« Reply #9 on: July 06, 2014, 07:48:53 PM »
She certainly put her foot in her mouth, OP.  She is in a stressful time, though, and as others have said she probably didn't mean it as poorly as it sounded.

At some point she may realize that she really messed up, and try to apologize to you.  I don't think that it would be a bad idea to pretend that you don't remember the incident, depending on how far into the future this may be.  It might be a good idea to take the high road and be gracious about this lapse, and hope that she is different when her life calms down again.

CakeEater

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Re: Just found out I'm a bridesmaid 'for balance'
« Reply #10 on: July 07, 2014, 06:26:00 AM »
Oh surely, she can't have meant you, given that you were standing right there!

But awful to say, regardless.

I completely understand the idea of wanting an 'even' bridal party. I'd actually even be happy to be asked with that in mind. I love being a bridesmaid!

But surely you'd phrase it as, 'BIL had lots of friends he wanted, so it gave me lots of opportunity to ask lots of friends', rather than the awful terminology of 'scrounging around'.

green.and.blue

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Re: Just found out I'm a bridesmaid 'for balance'
« Reply #11 on: July 07, 2014, 08:30:23 AM »
Well, she didn't say she had to scrounge YOU up... Maybe you were farther up on her list than you think and she had to scrounge to find others?
agree. why do you think she meant that you were an afterthought?

As I say, I was surprised to be asked. Four of the girls are 2 very dear friends from highschool and 2 girls she lived with in college for five years. 1 is literally her hairdresser that she's become chummy with in the last year, and then me. I think it's a safe bet which two were the add-ons.

I know I was feeling sensitive about it because they've planned two wedding-related events (one a coed engagement party/fundraiser, the other the bachelorette) for days I wasn't available. The first was for the only day in a span of three months I absolutely wasn't available - another wedding I was MOH in - and then the bachelorette, there was actually one day we could all make it, but she went with another date where I was the only one who couldn't make it, because her mom preferred to babysit that day.

I'm not going to say anything, but I sincerely hope my face didn't say anything for me (I'm not good at dissembling). Thanks to CakeEater for helping me see how just a slight different choice of words would have made the whole situation feel different. I will try to edit my memory to make this what she said :) There are no "magic words" in etiquette - but tactful...

CakeEater

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Re: Just found out I'm a bridesmaid 'for balance'
« Reply #12 on: July 07, 2014, 05:54:54 PM »
Oh, how awful. I hope you can 'reprogram' your brain.

To be generous, I think we've all said something in an attempt to be funny that ended up falling flat or being hurtful. Let's hope that's all it was, and you can become closer as time goes on. Who knows? Maybe one day she'll be really happy that she was able to include you, and you will be happy you were included as well.

lowspark

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Re: Just found out I'm a bridesmaid 'for balance'
« Reply #13 on: July 08, 2014, 02:22:50 PM »
Definitely a faux pas on her part but in your place, I'd forget all about it (to the best of my ability). I'm a firm believer in "taking the high road". In other words, regardless of someone else's slight toward me, I still endeavor to do the right thing.

Time will tell how your relationship will play out. You and she will be married to brothers. Brothers who are close enough that your DH is serving as best man. So I imagine there will be plenty of times where you will see SIL and get to know her better. She may turn out to be aloof, oh well! On the other hand, she may turn out to be a very nice person with whom you end up having a warm relationship.

People say the wrong thing sometimes, and unless you know her well enough to strongly suspect ill intent on her part, I think the best thing to do is forgive and forget and hope for a good relationship with her in the future.