Hinting about being in the wedding party

[mj]

This year is a huge year for weddings in my husbands extended family.  We are traveling quite a bit for several weddings, with that taking time off work, paying for the travel and in some cases one or more of us is in a wedding party, so expenses related to that too.

As they are coming up one of DHs sisters keeps hinting to us that someone is in her bridal party from our family.  Heavily hinting.  She's one of the weddings that we have to travel to, so I called her when I was getting ready to make the travel plans to make sure we were coming in as expected and/or wanted.  And yes, this is starting to exasperate me about the hinting at this point.  And then she hinted again and told us to stay tuned. 

We are in crunch time now and from what she said I have a very good feeling she is asking our kids to be flower girls and ring bearers.  I am trying not to let my frustration cloud my feelings on this, but she absolutely knows all the weddings going on in her family.  And to just hint about this and not make it official, when there is money involved in getting their outfits ontop of traveling....I'm at a loss ehell.  We don't have much more time and I don't understand the heavy hinting.  It's like she's saying it without making it official, which means I can't plan whatever it is she wants us to do. 

What can I do here?  I really don't want to be frustrated with her, but I am.

[Outdoor Girl]

I'd just flat out ask her.  'You keep hinting that someone in the family will be in the wedding party.  We are making travel plans and budgeting for all the weddings this year and we need to know now if we need to budget extra for clothes and perhaps an extra night's stay.  If you can't tell us now, I understand, but that may mean we will have to decline the honour when the time comes if we are unable to change our existing plans.'

[Harriet Jones]

Have you specifically told her that you need to firm up your travel plans?

You can tell her you're coming on X day at Y time unless she tells you before [deadline].  And then just make your plans if she doesn't give you specific information.  The hinting's pretty rude.  It might be "cute"  if the date was farther out, but not if there's a time crunch.

[Lynn2000]

Do you want your kids to be in her wedding, or not? If not, you could respond to her next hint with, "You've been hinting about this for a while, but honestly, we're just not able to accommodate the extra time and expense right now, no matter what you're thinking of" (or however you want to phrase it).

When my friend started hinting about planning her wedding, I dropped my own counter-hints about not wanting to be a bridesmaid. When the time came she still asked, but did so while acknowledging I had previously said I wasn't interested, which made it very easy to stick to that. She also had a back-up plan of me doing something else in the wedding that I agreed to.

I don't know if that would work in this situation, because here the bride has been hinting so heavily--not just about her wedding party in general but specifically about including someone from your household. "Glad my kids have never been asked to participate, we just don't have the energy for that right now" would not come across as innocent at this point.

[artk2002]

Ignore the hinting and make your plans as if you weren't involved with the bridal party. If she means you, but hasn't come out and said it, she's due for disappointment. Disappointment that is entirely her responsibility.

[Miss Cathy]

OP "I'm booking our plane tickets today. Is there anything you need to ask me before I do?"
Her "Maybe. We'll have to wait and see...."
OP " Sorry, I can't wait, I'm booking as soon as I hang up from you"
Her "there might be a special surprise for someone in your family..."
OP " lovely, tell me about it when you're ready"
Then book those non- refundable tickets.

[TracyXJ]

Yeah, that wouldn't fly (oops, pun).  We're looking at only one wedding in the fall of this year, and budgeting/planning for that is insane.  If there were multiple, then this is just being annoying.

Which might be what she's going for.  With that many weddings, she might be feeling like she's not getting all the attention she "deserves" as a bride.  I'd do what others suggested and give her one last call, making it clear that tickets are being purchased now.  If she then wants to change things, its no go.

[TurtleDove]

And then she hinted again and told us to stay tuned. 

I would be direct - tell her that if she wants someone from your family to do something, you need to know now or else you cannot accommodate her wishes.  You will not "stay tuned."  It is now or never.  All kindly stated, of course.  Just call her out and let her know if she does not ask, you cannot do what she wants.

[Mergatroyd]

She might just want them to sit and look cute with the guest book.  In which case, no additional outfits required. (Much boredom will be experinced by the lucky ones, I assure you!)

I would give her one more call, and then proceed with your plans whatever they may be. If Jr. Suddenly needs a tux, she can find it herself or he can wear what he has- or she can just find someone else to do it.

[Hmmmmm]

I agree. Be blunt.

" SIL, are you hinting that you want one of our family in the wedding party? If so, we really need to know now somwe can budget and plan accordingly."

But it could also be that if they are asking late because they are planning to find clothing costs for the flower girls.