Re: Bridezilla starting 8 months before the wedding *Updated January 23

[HannahGrace]

*Update*

Well, I attempted to have a heart-to-heart chat with Anna, but it wasn't terribly successful.  As far as potential pregnancy, she is definitely concerned with having "fat" pregnant bridesmaids spoil the look of photos.  She said that it was ok with her if I am a month or two pregnant at the wedding, as long as I am not showing at the time    As this isn't actually an issue yet, I am just planning to deal with it if and when it arises.   

She was actually worse in person than I expected (among other things, she tried to convince her bridesmaids to allow her to plan her own shower, was exceedingly materialistic regarding her fiance's house and her clear indication that it isn't up to her standards (he bought it alone years before they were engaged, and she recently moved in), grandiose plans to use the bridal party as props during the wedding (it would be too obvious if I wrote the actual plans if she ever came across this thread, but trust me, the plans are awful and insensitive for all involved), and starting every other sentence with "As a bride....").  However, I learned that her family of origin has been dealing with some very intense and stressful issues (several members with various serious health/mental health related issues), which I had not known about.  Given the additional information, I think that she is focusing so intensely on the wedding because it is the one thing in her life she can control.  I am therefore inclined to act as graciously as possible, and gently re-direct as much as possible.

Just wow.  You are a very good friend to cut her even a bit of slack, no matter what else is going on with her, in light of all of the above!

[Lynn2000]

Yeah. Wow. I think in light of the family stress, I might be inclined to keep my mouth shut instead of telling her (politely but negatively) what I thought of her plans. However, that doesn't mean I would go along with them.

Wants to use me as a prop? No thanks, I am going to stand here as one traditionally does, not interested in participating in an interpretive dance or whatever. Wants to plan her own shower? I wouldn't care about that especially, unless of course she starts planning things that are out of my budget etc., in which case I would just tell her that--"Sorry, I can't afford to attend that. I hope you have a good time." Complains about her DF's house? I'll listen as long as I can, and then try to bean-dip or take a break.

I think in my case, the comments about pregnant bridesmaids being "fat" and spoiling her photos would have me resigning my position as BM and possibly taking a hiatus from the whole friendship, though. For me that crosses the line.

If she's actively being rude to people, as in hurting people's feelings--beyond just being annoying or wanting to plan her own party--that's not cool, no matter what the background excuse.

[Redneck Gravy]

She started off small, by choosing a very expensive dress for her wedding party to buy; she had two of seven women try it on, and then sent instructions for everyone to purchase it.  Usually in bridal parties, the bride ultimately decides on a dress for the bridal party, but asks for input about budget and style first.  As this wasn't a big deal to me, I didn't say anything other than "What a lovely dress!"

I don't see this as small...it's an expensive dress she expects her bridal party to purchase.  Either let them discuss budgets or pay for what you want them to have.  This is a huge red flag for me. 

There is no excuse for Bridezilla behavior, sorry to hear her family has health issues (what family doesn't?), 8 months of this kind of behavior will ruin her friendships. 

[omjulie]

I will say that there can be, depending on the culture (or sub-culture), a tremendous amount of pressure on brides to have a "perfect" wedding. Most of us are told from childhood, in direct and indirect ways, that this is the biggest day of our lives, the height of our personal beauty, the most important party we'll ever throw, the photos will be up on our mantels forever, etc. etc. etc.... And then you add to this everyone telling you that it's your day and should happen your way, and it's a recipe for disaster. I remember when I first started planning mine, I was having near-daily tear-filled breakdowns over tiny details just due to the stress. I don't think I did anything particularly bridezilla-ish during that time, but I can relate to the impulse. Within a few months, though, as big decisions came together and I shed some of that wedding-industry baggage, I did start to feel less overwhelmed and my emotional stability improved. That's not to say that I think anyone should just excuse bratty behavior, but I do get where it comes from and I think it's good to cut the bride some slack once in a while. I see the term "bridezilla" thrown around a lot and I don't always think it's warranted.

If she's got that kind of wedding stress and it's colliding with her personal stress, I can definitely see it manifesting in some pretty untoward behavior. It sounds to me like your best bet is to choose your battles (and do stand up for yourself!) and otherwise just ride things out to see if she improves. If she really gets to a point where she's starting to alienate people she cares about, it might be a good idea to pull her aside and point it out to her - maybe in the interest of seeing if there's some way you can help alleviate some stress.

[Deetee]

Under stress people often show their true character. I'm not talking about how people behave in the aftermath of an accident when addled by adrenaline, but how they behave when external pressures occur and they have to decide what their priorities are.

She may be under family pressure to have the perfect wedding, but her response is to bow to that pressure and pass it on to her friends. She has a choice to make her family "happy" or her friends and fiance happy. She is making a choice.

She is showing you who she is when the chips are down. 

[JenJay]

Does that mean you agreed to take precautions and avoid pregnancy until two months before the wedding? Because she's made it clear that this is the only compromise she's willing to make so I think you're obligated to agree or back out as soon as possible.

[Lynn2000]

Does that mean you agreed to take precautions and avoid pregnancy until two months before the wedding? Because she's made it clear that this is the only compromise she's willing to make so I think you're obligated to agree or back out as soon as possible.

I was wondering this to. The OP says she'll just see what happens, and if she's not pregnant (or not very) at wedding time, there's nothing else to talk about. But what if in a couple months, delightfully, she becomes pregnant, meaning she'd be showing at the time of the wedding? I'd just hate to have a nasty scene with the bride when I announced my joyful news--that would be hard to forget and might spoil my memories of it, not to mention ending the friendship. And then I would back out anyway, but months further down the road. And I wouldn't want to even attend the wedding at that point.

Whereas if I was able to calmly say now to the bride, "Anna, I just can't agree to go along with your pregnancy restriction. I have no idea if it will even be applicable to me, but if you are serious about it, then I will have to drop out as a bridesmaid." Kind of, I would rather drop out on my own, stay away from her until after the wedding, and hope she turns back into the normal person I care about--than have her wreck our friendship by ordering me to step down for this reason. And if this drastic action is what makes her understand how she's treating those around her, so much the better.

[Mergatroyd]

OP posted she has fertility issues, so I'm going to infer that she has been trying for a while with no success and thinks the chances of her being showing by the wedding are slimmer than the average couples, and isn't quite ready to possibly lose her friend over something with less than optimal chances of coming to pass. If she ends up pregnant next week she'll have to make that decision, but I actually don't see a problem with her waiting rather than make a big deal of it now. She's already bought the dress.

Now, if she does end up preggers next week, she'll most likely have to withdraw, as airlines don't let people that far along fly in most cases. She can then sell the dress to her replacement, (or another bridesmaid who thinks she's got lots of time to order one and misses the cut off for the colour.)

Depending on the OP's body type, she could potentially not show for up to 16-20 weeks. (At least nothing a bouquet wouldn't cover.) If OP gets pregnant with four or less months to go before wedding day, she could also just not say anything till after the wedding, and let the Bride think she's just put on a few pounds. It's a gamble.

[JenJay]

OP posted she has fertility issues, so I'm going to infer that she has been trying for a while with no success and thinks the chances of her being showing by the wedding are slimmer than the average couples, and isn't quite ready to possibly lose her friend over something with less than optimal chances of coming to pass. If she ends up pregnant next week she'll have to make that decision, but I actually don't see a problem with her waiting rather than make a big deal of it now. She's already bought the dress.

Now, if she does end up preggers next week, she'll most likely have to withdraw, as airlines don't let people that far along fly in most cases. She can then sell the dress to her replacement, (or another bridesmaid who thinks she's got lots of time to order one and misses the cut off for the colour.)

Depending on the OP's body type, she could potentially not show for up to 16-20 weeks. (At least nothing a bouquet wouldn't cover.) If OP gets pregnant with four or less months to go before wedding day, she could also just not say anything till after the wedding, and let the Bride think she's just put on a few pounds. It's a gamble.

The thing is, the bride has made it clear that she doesn't care if anyone is pregnant as long as they aren't showing. If OP wants to commit to that request and be in the wedding, cool. If not, she should withdraw. What if she gets pregnant 4 months before the wedding? Maybe she won't be showing, but maybe she will. And if she is, and the bride notices and is still adamant that nobody be showing, that leaves the bride only a couple of months or even weeks to find a replacement and get another dress (which is now discontinued) or have OP's dress altered with no access to extra fabric and on short notice.

I don't agree with this bride at all but she does get to dictate the terms of being in her wedding and I think all the would-be maids can really do is agree or decline. To agree and then not do their best to meet the commitment isn't fair to the bride, 'zilla as she may be. 

[omjulie]

Under stress people often show their true character. I'm not talking about how people behave in the aftermath of an accident when addled by adrenaline, but how they behave when external pressures occur and they have to decide what their priorities are.

She may be under family pressure to have the perfect wedding, but her response is to bow to that pressure and pass it on to her friends. She has a choice to make her family "happy" or her friends and fiance happy. She is making a choice.

She is showing you who she is when the chips are down.

I don't think it's really that clear cut. Some people show their true character under stress, other people behave in entirely uncharacteristic ways - and for most people, it really varies with the situation. If someone were a long-time friend of mine, and they started to behave in an out-of-character way (based on my experiences) when under a lot of stress, I would not just assume that they were now showing me who they "really" were and that everything before that was just an act. That would be pretty uncharitable of me. If this friend had a history of tantrums and controlling behavior, that would be one thing.

Anyway, the main point of my post (which admittedly got a bit lost in the way I wrote it) is that a newly engaged person being stressed or bridezilla-ish 8 months out is not necessarily a predictor for how she'll be later on in the planning process. It does not necessarily indicate that she'll get worse. She may, in fact, get better, as the reality of the situation sinks in and she gets a few more things nailed down and accomplished. If it were me, I'd check in with her to see how I can help, speak up when she asks me to do something that's too much for me (like hold off getting pregnant), and otherwise wait it out for a bit to see how things progress.

[JenJay]

OP posted she has fertility issues, so I'm going to infer that she has been trying for a while with no success and thinks the chances of her being showing by the wedding are slimmer than the average couples, and isn't quite ready to possibly lose her friend over something with less than optimal chances of coming to pass. If she ends up pregnant next week she'll have to make that decision, but I actually don't see a problem with her waiting rather than make a big deal of it now. She's already bought the dress.

Now, if she does end up preggers next week, she'll most likely have to withdraw, as airlines don't let people that far along fly in most cases. She can then sell the dress to her replacement, (or another bridesmaid who thinks she's got lots of time to order one and misses the cut off for the colour.)

Depending on the OP's body type, she could potentially not show for up to 16-20 weeks. (At least nothing a bouquet wouldn't cover.) If OP gets pregnant with four or less months to go before wedding day, she could also just not say anything till after the wedding, and let the Bride think she's just put on a few pounds. It's a gamble.

The thing is, the bride has made it clear that she doesn't care if anyone is pregnant as long as they aren't showing. If OP wants to commit to that request and be in the wedding, cool. If not, she should withdraw. What if she gets pregnant 4 months before the wedding? Maybe she won't be showing, but maybe she will. And if she is, and the bride notices and is still adamant that nobody be showing, that leaves the bride only a couple of months or even weeks to find a replacement and get another dress (which is now discontinued) or have OP's dress altered with no access to extra fabric and on short notice.

I don't agree with this bride at all but she does get to dictate the terms of being in her wedding and I think all the would-be maids can really do is agree or decline. To agree and then not do their best to meet the commitment isn't fair to the bride, 'zilla as she may be. 

A bridal party is not a rowing team. Having a bridesmaid drop out at the last minute does not mean she needs to be replaced.

Of course not, but shouldn't it be the Bride's decision how many bridesmaids she has? I know a lot of them prefer even numbers so, barring a last minute emergency, would rather replace a bridesmaid or cut a groomsman so they have symmetry in the photos and in front of the officiant. I don't personally care, I didn't even have a wedding (and wouldn't have excluded pregnant friends if I had!) but again, I think the bride and groom get to decide.

[sammycat]

*Update*

Well, I attempted to have a heart-to-heart chat with Anna, but it wasn't terribly successful.  As far as potential pregnancy, she is definitely concerned with having "fat" pregnant bridesmaids spoil the look of photos.  She said that it was ok with her if I am a month or two pregnant at the wedding, as long as I am not showing at the time    As this isn't actually an issue yet, I am just planning to deal with it if and when it arises.   

She was actually worse in person than I expected (among other things, she tried to convince her bridesmaids to allow her to plan her own shower, was exceedingly materialistic regarding her fiance's house and her clear indication that it isn't up to her standards (he bought it alone years before they were engaged, and she recently moved in), grandiose plans to use the bridal party as props during the wedding (it would be too obvious if I wrote the actual plans if she ever came across this thread, but trust me, the plans are awful and insensitive for all involved), and starting every other sentence with "As a bride....").  However, I learned that her family of origin has been dealing with some very intense and stressful issues (several members with various serious health/mental health related issues), which I had not known about.  Given the additional information, I think that she is focusing so intensely on the wedding because it is the one thing in her life she can control.  I am therefore inclined to act as graciously as possible, and gently re-direct as much as possible.

M family has spent the last year or so dealing with cousins dying from cancer in the primes of their lives. Most of our family gatherings in the past year have been in hospitals, at death beds, and funerals. Parents burying children, children becoming motherless, men becoming widowers, siblings losing sisters, the whole works. There are other relatives also dealing with harsh situations, myself included. But not a single one of them (or me) has started behaving as disgustingly as this bride is. The pregnancy conditions would have had me bowing out ages ago, not to mention reassessing my friendship with her. IMO your friend is showing her true colours.

OP, if you elect to stay on, what will you do when you're forked out all the money and then she fires you from the role because you're pregnant and don't fit the image she has of her props?  Lynn brings up a good point.

I'd just hate to have a nasty scene with the bride when I announced my joyful news--that would be hard to forget and might spoil my memories of it, not to mention ending the friendship.

[JenJay]

OP posted she has fertility issues, so I'm going to infer that she has been trying for a while with no success and thinks the chances of her being showing by the wedding are slimmer than the average couples, and isn't quite ready to possibly lose her friend over something with less than optimal chances of coming to pass. If she ends up pregnant next week she'll have to make that decision, but I actually don't see a problem with her waiting rather than make a big deal of it now. She's already bought the dress.

Now, if she does end up preggers next week, she'll most likely have to withdraw, as airlines don't let people that far along fly in most cases. She can then sell the dress to her replacement, (or another bridesmaid who thinks she's got lots of time to order one and misses the cut off for the colour.)

Depending on the OP's body type, she could potentially not show for up to 16-20 weeks. (At least nothing a bouquet wouldn't cover.) If OP gets pregnant with four or less months to go before wedding day, she could also just not say anything till after the wedding, and let the Bride think she's just put on a few pounds. It's a gamble.

The thing is, the bride has made it clear that she doesn't care if anyone is pregnant as long as they aren't showing. If OP wants to commit to that request and be in the wedding, cool. If not, she should withdraw. What if she gets pregnant 4 months before the wedding? Maybe she won't be showing, but maybe she will. And if she is, and the bride notices and is still adamant that nobody be showing, that leaves the bride only a couple of months or even weeks to find a replacement and get another dress (which is now discontinued) or have OP's dress altered with no access to extra fabric and on short notice.

I don't agree with this bride at all but she does get to dictate the terms of being in her wedding and I think all the would-be maids can really do is agree or decline. To agree and then not do their best to meet the commitment isn't fair to the bride, 'zilla as she may be. 

A bridal party is not a rowing team. Having a bridesmaid drop out at the last minute does not mean she needs to be replaced.

Of course not, but shouldn't it be the Bride's decision how many bridesmaids she has? I know a lot of them prefer even numbers so, barring a last minute emergency, would rather replace a bridesmaid or cut a groomsman so they have symmetry in the photos and in front of the officiant. I don't personally care, I didn't even have a wedding (and wouldn't have excluded pregnant friends if I had!) but again, I think the bride and groom get to decide.

Of course the bride gets to decide how many bridesmaids she has. And the OP gets to decide when she gets pregnant. If getting pregnant and showing at the wedding makes the bride decide to "trim" her party, she doesn't get to complain about having uneven sides or the hassle of getting a replacement. That decision is on her not the OP.

I would agree if the bride assumed nobody would get pregnant and then threw a big fit when someone did. Then it would be her fault if she cut someone and was short a maid. But she has let them know upfront that she doesn't want any visible pregnancies, they can agree or decline.

I think, because OP knows right now that the bride is requesting no obvious pregnancies, the OP needs to decide right now to either back out or agree to postpone TTC until close to the wedding (which I think is an outrageous request, and why I'd back out).

That's why my advice in the beginning of the thread was to tell the bride up front that OP hopes to be pregnant and let the bride either accept that or buy OP's dress and ask someone else. Then whatever happens is all on the bride and OP is in the clear.

[Promise]

If she makes demands of you that you are not comfortable with, remember some of you eHell approved comments such ash,"I'm sorry, that won't be possible" or "That's an interesting assumption."

[lakey]

So now the bride has stated that she is not okay with a bridesmaid being pregnant to the point of showing. I think that OP needs to tell her directly that she IS trying to get pregnant and that the possibility exists that she could be pregnant enough to show at the time of the wedding.

The only solution to this is to be very direct.