Author Topic: Re: Bridezilla starting 8 months before the wedding Update posts 14, 43  (Read 5417 times)

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Sophia

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Re: Bridezilla starting 8 months before the wedding Update post 14
« Reply #30 on: June 24, 2014, 10:41:06 PM »
OP posted she has fertility issues, so I'm going to infer that she has been trying for a while with no success and thinks the chances of her being showing by the wedding are slimmer than the average couples, and isn't quite ready to possibly lose her friend over something with less than optimal chances of coming to pass. If she ends up pregnant next week she'll have to make that decision, but I actually don't see a problem with her waiting rather than make a big deal of it now. She's already bought the dress.

Now, if she does end up preggers next week, she'll most likely have to withdraw, as airlines don't let people that far along fly in most cases. She can then sell the dress to her replacement, (or another bridesmaid who thinks she's got lots of time to order one and misses the cut off for the colour.)

Depending on the OP's body type, she could potentially not show for up to 16-20 weeks. (At least nothing a bouquet wouldn't cover.) If OP gets pregnant with four or less months to go before wedding day, she could also just not say anything till after the wedding, and let the Bride think she's just put on a few pounds. It's a gamble.

The thing is, the bride has made it clear that she doesn't care if anyone is pregnant as long as they aren't showing. If OP wants to commit to that request and be in the wedding, cool. If not, she should withdraw. What if she gets pregnant 4 months before the wedding? Maybe she won't be showing, but maybe she will. And if she is, and the bride notices and is still adamant that nobody be showing, that leaves the bride only a couple of months or even weeks to find a replacement and get another dress (which is now discontinued) or have OP's dress altered with no access to extra fabric and on short notice.

I don't agree with this bride at all but she does get to dictate the terms of being in her wedding and I think all the would-be maids can really do is agree or decline. To agree and then not do their best to meet the commitment isn't fair to the bride, 'zilla as she may be.  :-\

Honestly, if she kicks out a bridesmaid for being pregnant being short one bridesmaid is just a natural consequence. 

JenJay

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Re: Bridezilla starting 8 months before the wedding Update post 14
« Reply #31 on: June 24, 2014, 11:21:41 PM »
I'm genuinely curious, for those of you advocating the OP stay on as a bridesmaid and continue TTC, with the hopeful outcome that OP does end up pregnant at any time before the wedding, would you feel the same way about any other demand a bride had? That a member of the wedding party should agree to the demand but quietly do what they planned anyway, and if it upset the bride oh well?

Let's say a bride only asked friends with long hair, and stated up front "Okay, I want all of my maids to have long hair so no haircuts before the wedding!". Then someone came here and posted that she was growing her hair out for Locks of Love and might not cut it, but then again if her stylist recommended she do so, then she would, so she can't promise not to cut her hair. Would you all still say that she should accept being a maid and just cut her hair later if she wanted to? That if the bride said "Why did you do that? I asked you not to months ago?" It's the bride's fault for being too 'Zilla and she should just deal? If it's too late to get someone else into the dress and her attendants are mismatched, too bad?

Of course a planned and wanted pregnancy is much more important than a haircut, I'm just offering another example of a bride placing expectations on her maids' physical appearance and a maid being unsure if she's willing to promise to meet the expectation. (I'm not talking about a situation where the maid can't help the change, or a bride who springs the demand on her maids last minute.)

I think, from an etiquette POV, that it's a mistake to agree to a set of terms while knowing that you're actively trying to do the opposite. Do I think the Bride is a 'zilla? Yes! Do I think OP sounds like a great lady? Yep! Do I think she should continue with her TTC plans? Absolutely and best wishes!! Do I think she should continue planning to be a bridesmaid without making it clear to the bride that she is, and will continue, TTC? No. I think she should lay it all out and let the bride decide. That's all I'm saying.  :)


JenJay

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Re: Bridezilla starting 8 months before the wedding Update post 14
« Reply #32 on: June 25, 2014, 02:49:36 AM »
I'm genuinely curious, for those of you advocating the OP stay on as a bridesmaid and continue TTC, with the hopeful outcome that OP does end up pregnant at any time before the wedding, would you feel the same way about any other demand a bride had? That a member of the wedding party should agree to the demand but quietly do what they planned anyway, and if it upset the bride oh well?

Let's say a bride only asked friends with long hair, and stated up front "Okay, I want all of my maids to have long hair so no haircuts before the wedding!". Then someone came here and posted that she was growing her hair out for Locks of Love and might not cut it, but then again if her stylist recommended she do so, then she would, so she can't promise not to cut her hair. Would you all still say that she should accept being a maid and just cut her hair later if she wanted to? That if the bride said "Why did you do that? I asked you not to months ago?" It's the bride's fault for being too 'Zilla and she should just deal? If it's too late to get someone else into the dress and her attendants are mismatched, too bad?

Of course a planned and wanted pregnancy is much more important than a haircut, I'm just offering another example of a bride placing expectations on her maids' physical appearance and a maid being unsure if she's willing to promise to meet the expectation. (I'm not talking about a situation where the maid can't help the change, or a bride who springs the demand on her maids last minute.)

I think, from an etiquette POV, that it's a mistake to agree to a set of terms while knowing that you're actively trying to do the opposite. Do I think the Bride is a 'zilla? Yes! Do I think OP sounds like a great lady? Yep! Do I think she should continue with her TTC plans? Absolutely and best wishes!! Do I think she should continue planning to be a bridesmaid without making it clear to the bride that she is, and will continue, TTC? No. I think she should lay it all out and let the bride decide. That's all I'm saying.  :)

Yes, I would. And most especially if it was something that no one could predict would actually happen. And even more especially if it was something that the bridesmaid wanted a great deal and it might, due to circumstances, take a great deal of time to accomplish, like TTC while dealing with IF. Cutting one's hair to donate can be postponed with no negative impact on the donation, but it still does not effect ones ability to preform the duties of a bridesmaid. A tattoo-same thing. Fitness competitions where one were to drop a large amount of weight and seriously alter ones body shape- is a bridesmaid supposed to assume the "honor" as a full time job that directly affects her life? This is ridiculous. Being a bridesmaid means you do a certain amount of things and beyond being well groomed and in the correct formal attire, appearance is very limited. Models can be hired in the event a bride wants a certain level attractiveness.

Thanks, that's really interesting to me. I guess I see it more black and white- I'm not willing to commit to the bride's ridiculous request, but I accept that she's issued it, so I will decline.

lowspark

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Re: Bridezilla starting 8 months before the wedding Update post 14
« Reply #33 on: June 25, 2014, 09:59:24 AM »
ITA with JenJay. Of course the request by the bride is ridiculous. No one's arguing that. But that's not the issue.

By agreeing to be in the wedding, OP (and all of the bridesmaids) are tacitly agreeing to the bride's terms. If any of the bridesmaids find those terms to be unreasonable, or even if they are reasonable but something to which, insofar as it is in her control, the bridesmaid doesn't intend to comply, then it is incumbent upon the bridesmaid to speak up immediately.

Because, in fact, her ability to preform the duties of a bridesmaid in this particular wedding are actually directly affected by the bridesmaid's intent to follow the terms set by this particular bride.




Lynn2000

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Re: Bridezilla starting 8 months before the wedding Update post 14
« Reply #34 on: June 25, 2014, 10:49:11 AM »
I think JenJay has a good point. If Anna the bride is really serious about this no-pregnancy thing--and I think it's worth one more conversation just to be sure--then to me the OP's wishes and Anna's are in conflict. At the very least I think the OP should tell Anna, "Look, I have no intention of trying hold off a pregnancy until after your wedding. If that means you want me to step down now, so be it. If you'd rather wait and see, and possibly ask me to step down later, so be it." So at least Anna knows what's going on and can make an informed decision.

And I definitely think Anna's terms are ridiculous. But, to me it seems dodgy for a person to agree to them, while secretly having no intention of fulfilling them. I can definitely see how this varies with the situation, so in some cases it might be appropriate. Maybe the OP has reason to suspect that, in a few months, Anna will calm down and be embarrassed about her no-pregnancy edict, and grateful that it didn't lose her any friends. I think that's a judgment the OP really has to make herself, while knowing that she's taking the risk that Anna is totally serious and consistent, and things may come to a head later--at a time when the OP should be basking in the glow of her own happy news.

There's also the principle of the thing, which I know is a dangerous place to go. Everyone has different things that rub them the wrong way. For me, if I really wanted to get pregnant and was trying to do so, it would be quite hurtful to hear my supposed friend call pregnant women "fat," say that my potential pregnancy would present an aesthetic problem for her wedding, and try to dictate what I did with my family planning. Stressed or not, those are just plain mean things to say. And it would be hard for me, personally, to "unhear" them, or to shrug them off even if they turned out to irrelevant (that is, if I didn't become pregnant in time to affect the wedding). I might want to distance myself from someone who would say those things, and then see how she acted once her stress had decreased--an apology would definitely be in order. But, this is definitely a case where people's mileage may vary, and someone else might truly shrug it off.
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artk2002

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Re: Bridezilla starting 8 months before the wedding Update post 14
« Reply #35 on: June 25, 2014, 11:38:36 AM »
I don't see this ending well and I strongly recommend that you decline the "honor."

She has a very specific and extremely unreasonable set of expectations about what "her day" will be like. She is guaranteed to be disappointed. She's going to be casting around for people to blame for her disappointment and her bridesmaids will be prime candidates.

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Sophia

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Re: Bridezilla starting 8 months before the wedding Update post 14
« Reply #36 on: June 25, 2014, 11:45:01 AM »
The problem at this point is that Brideszilla didn't make the requirement up front.  The OP has already paid for an expensive ugly dress.  That makes a difference to me.  The OP said in good faith that she would be a bridesmaid. 

artk2002

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Re: Bridezilla starting 8 months before the wedding Update post 14
« Reply #37 on: June 25, 2014, 11:51:46 AM »
The problem at this point is that Brideszilla didn't make the requirement up front.  The OP has already paid for an expensive ugly dress.  That makes a difference to me.  The OP said in good faith that she would be a bridesmaid.

While I understand that, OP committed to something entirely different. The Bridezilla changed the parameters, voiding the OP's commitment. For me, the dress is a "cut your losses" situation. Staying in a bad place because you've committed some money is called the "sunk costs fallacy".
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

Lynn2000

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Re: Bridezilla starting 8 months before the wedding Update post 14
« Reply #38 on: June 25, 2014, 11:57:10 AM »
If I were in this situation, and I were seriously thinking about dropping out, I would consider the cost of the dress the price I paid to learn something important about my friend. Something negative, yes, but if it allows me to decide now to drop out, thus saving myself further pain later, I'd consider it well worth it.

In other words, I don't think the OP should feel bound by her initial agreement, since Anna is changing the conditions mid-stream, and becoming increasingly less reasonable.
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StareDecisis

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Re: Bridezilla starting 8 months before the wedding Update post 14
« Reply #39 on: June 25, 2014, 11:58:36 AM »
The problem at this point is that Brideszilla didn't make the requirement up front.  The OP has already paid for an expensive ugly dress.  That makes a difference to me.  The OP said in good faith that she would be a bridesmaid.

This is exactly why I did not immediately decline - I had already agreed to be a bridesmaid and purchased the dress before Anna mentioned anything about pregnancy (or any of the other bridezilla ideas).  Had I been told before buying the dress, I would have declined.  As it is, I did flat-out tell her that we will continue trying to conceive, and that that plan will not change.  She was visibly unhappy, but said, "I guess it would be ok if you were a month or two pregnant, as long as you aren't showing."  I said something to the effect of "Well, we'll see."  She definitely knows that my plans will not change because of her wedding, and while I would be delighted if she asked me to step down, I think it would be almost friendship-ending for me to quit.  As it happens, my husband and I had already agreed (before she was engaged) that we would start a new IF treatment in what turned out to be the month before her wedding, so unless we get lucky, it looks like the most likely situation is that I would be, at most, a few weeks pregnant at her wedding. 

She also told the other married bridesmaid the no-pregnancy requirement, and that woman (bless her!) told Anna that she sounds insane  >:D   I'm not sure why Anna didn't tell everyone the no-pregnancy rule... just one more odd detail of this saga!

Mergatroyd

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Re: Bridezilla starting 8 months before the wedding Update posts 14, 43
« Reply #40 on: June 25, 2014, 12:32:30 PM »
IMO, brides can choose the dress, the shoes, the hair styles, and even the makeup, but anything else physically related to the bridesmaids is off limits.  (Don't get pregnant, don't gain five pounds, loose twenty pounds, don't break or sprain a visible body part, cut your hair/don't cut your hair, get/remove a piercing, don't get a tattoo..)

Sophia

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Re: Bridezilla starting 8 months before the wedding Update posts 14, 43
« Reply #41 on: June 26, 2014, 09:35:44 AM »
In the OP, you mentioned that she had been extremely helpful with your wedding.  I wonder if that had been less to do with the depth of your friendship, then the fact that she was/is wedding crazy?  There have been times in my life (younger more free time) that I would have happily done a lot to help prep for wedding just because it was a Wedding. 

Deetee

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Re: Bridezilla starting 8 months before the wedding Update post 14
« Reply #42 on: June 26, 2014, 02:24:57 PM »
Under stress people often show their true character. I'm not talking about how people behave in the aftermath of an accident when addled by adrenaline, but how they behave when external pressures occur and they have to decide what their priorities are.

She may be under family pressure to have the perfect wedding, but her response is to bow to that pressure and pass it on to her friends. She has a choice to make her family "happy" or her friends and fiance happy. She is making a choice.

She is showing you who she is when the chips are down.

I don't think it's really that clear cut. Some people show their true character under stress, other people behave in entirely uncharacteristic ways - and for most people, it really varies with the situation. If someone were a long-time friend of mine, and they started to behave in an out-of-character way (based on my experiences) when under a lot of stress, I would not just assume that they were now showing me who they "really" were and that everything before that was just an act. That would be pretty uncharitable of me. If this friend had a history of tantrums and controlling behavior, that would be one thing.

[snip]

If a friend was under serious stress (family, illness, money) and started crying or screaming or obsessing over various things, I would cut them slack. At first.

After a while, the test is not what the external stressors are, but how the person deals with them. Do they get councelling? Go for a run? Talk and laugh and cry with friends? Obsessively work on a hobby? Cut down on the scale of their ambitions All that is cool.

It is when a person deals with stress by selfishly outsourcing it by trying to control other people's lives (and have got some honest and kind pushback from people they love and respect) that it shows the character.