General Etiquette > Techno-quette

Help me take a step back from a (mostly) FB friend

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AngelicGamer:
I dunno - I guess this could have gone into Life in General but it deals with FB, so it's here.  I'll switch it or a mod can if it needs to be.

I have known Kay for 13 years this October (wow!).  We've had our ups and downs, as in we didn't talk to each other for 3 to 4 years due to my taking another friend's side (Ann) when Kay was basically calling Ann a worker of the oldest profession.  We picked up our friendship where it left off, mostly through internet methods such as Livejournal and Facebook.  I have blocked her feed before due to her constant complaining about her life that was just getting too negative for me. 

Recently, she posted a rant on her Livejournal about not having a job, money, and her dad's interference with helping with some things and not others that cost money.  He has his own ideas regarding her cats that puts him into bacon fed knave section of life with me - suggesting a cat be put down due to not being able to keep weight and having calcium issues - so I've been supportive with her.  But today kind of took the cake. 

Kay posted to her FB that she interviewed and got a job with a motel that would be weekend night audit, so 16 hours a week.  She never got into how much it would pay or anything because she never ever wants to do night audit again.  My opinion is that, if I wanted to get out from a bacon fed knave of a dad, like she does, that I would take what I could get and try to find another job pronto.  She turned it down, is making a lot of reasons why she didn't want it (mostly the no night audit ever again argument but also that it takes 30 minutes one way), and I'm realizing that I need to take a step back.

So, EHell, how do I do this?  Should I just hide her feed again and scroll past her LJ posts?  I've done that in the past and my gut's saying I should do that.  I don't want to do the cut again, because it doesn't call for it at all, but I'm wondering if there's more or less I could be doing.  Or if there's a way to stop caring all together.  So, help, please?

TootsNYC:

--- Quote ---. . .I'm realizing that I need to take a step back.

So, EHell, how do I do this?  Should I just hide her feed again and scroll past her LJ posts?  I've done that in the past and my gut's saying I should do that. . . .
--- End quote ---


Trust your gut.

But if you keep having to do this so often, why not just delete her completely?

Lynn2000:
I've been posting about my friend Emma a lot lately. She's the sort of person who always has a lot of self-inflicted drama in her life, and whenever you try to give her help or advice--even when she's flat-out asking for it--she manages to sabotage it somehow. And yet she's a really nice, likable person, so inherently you're rooting for her to succeed and it's so frustrating when you hear that she's managed to shoot herself in the foot yet again. (I was reminded of her strongly this time because she also parents she keeps getting beholden to, even though I think they are bad, toxic people.)

Taking a step back is really the only response that's kept me sane and able to still consider her a friend. It was hard to do, especially when we were still co-workers and I saw her all the time. So I would suggest hiding Kay's feed on Facebook (that's the same as "unfollow," right?), and see what kind of control you can put on her LiveJournal account--definitely don't read them, but even better would be hiding it somehow so you aren't even tempted to get sucked back in. And try your best to not even think about her at all for a while--purge your mind of her.

AngelicGamer:
Right, Lynn2000, that's the same as unfollowing.  I think that's the best course to take right now because I just can't focus on her issues right now.  I have my own and am supporting another friend (Dia) who needs it more because she's in problems that are no fault of her own (unable to find a PhD program that will accept her and job problems but at least she's actively looking and would leap at night audit, even for only weekends).  And it's not that Kay's parents are topic (her dad just isn't a pet person and therefore put himself into bacon fed knave territory with the pro pet people) but she keeps on going on how about she doesn't want to be under him with money.  So... yeah.  Need to take a step back.


--- Quote from: TootsNYC on June 13, 2014, 05:37:24 PM ---
--- Quote ---. . .I'm realizing that I need to take a step back.

So, EHell, how do I do this?  Should I just hide her feed again and scroll past her LJ posts?  I've done that in the past and my gut's saying I should do that. . . .
--- End quote ---

Trust your gut.

But if you keep having to do this so often, why not just delete her completely?

--- End quote ---

Because it's been 13 years and I have a really hard time cutting people out of my life is what it's come down to.  I'm not sure if I had not reached out to her (I had DVDs she gifted me that I no longer wanted so I wanted to give her first crack at them before selling) that we would have connected back together.  I'm wondering if it's going to take something big again before I fully phase out the friendship.  But that's on me and I realize that.  She's not going to change so I have to change my reactions to her.

I also believe you're one of the posters who taught me that, so thank you! 

Lynn2000:
I think it's important to be supportive of friends when they're going through tough times, but... when they always seem to be going through tough times, that is, they can't see the positive in anything or they actively get themselves into more trouble, I think it's perfectly appropriate to begin pulling away from them, or otherwise changing the way one reacts. It is exhausting for one's own mental health to invest emotionally in another person's problems, only to be disappointed and frustrated over and over again by the poor choices they make or the poor attitude they have. And really, it is their right to make those choices and have that attitude, but it is also our right to not get sucked in every time.

I don't think one has to do a cut direct, by any means. Just... slow things down a bit. If she sends you an email that you would normally answer with five paragraphs within 24 hours, instead make it three paragraphs, and wait a couple days. Then slowly elongate that until her emails are low priority, and you dash off a brief reply only. If normally you get together once a week, drop that to once every two weeks, then once a month. That sort of thing. Of course you will have to decide what level you are comfortable staying at. The harder part, which takes more discipline, is how much space you let her take up in your head. It can be hard to break the habit of worrying and speculating and advising someone, even in your own mind.

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