Author Topic: I am not sure why this bothers me.. maybe I need smacked weekend update page 5  (Read 7805 times)

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Mergatroyd

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I'm not sure what to say about the issue, but I'm signing up for updates to broaden my horizons.

LifeOnPluto

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I'd be annoyed, and a bit hurt too. And I think it's absolutely ok to tell them "Actually, I was hoping we'd be able to spend the whole day together. If that's not possible, it's cool - why don't we take a raincheck this time, and catch up on another occasion when you guys are able to visit longer."

If you are hosting them for lunch, I personally wouldn't go to too much effort.

Raintree

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But there is a lot ot explore in the area, we can kayak to a bird/wildlife reserve, go swimming, tubing, nap, hang out.  It can be a mini vacation.

Goodness, can I come instead? Sounds like my kind of day!!

Poor Dave!! Reminds me of one time I went on a cycling/camping outing somewhere beautiful and peaceful with a group of people (a Meetup-like outdoors club, although this was before on-line groups existed). Carpooling was the norm, so I hopped in with a woman who lived near me. Then on the last day, while everyone else was going to spend the day exploring and then go have dinner and drive home in the evening, this woman who had driven me announced she wanted to leave around noon so she could stop in the outlet stores on the way home. I was SO let down, and irritated because if she wasn't going to go along with the group plans, she should have said so in advance so that I could drive myself or carpool with someone who planned to stick to the posted activity until it was over.

I would not invite Cindy again; seems she doesn't really "get it" that the invite was to come hang out with friends and enjoy what the lake home has to offer.

SoCalVal

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I would be bothered, too, but I'd also blame myself for how I worded the invitation and would note to change that in the future (not faulting POF here -- I've run into this situation myself and learned to be very specific when it came to certain individuals, including DH).  I could see how Cindy heard the invitation extended to her adult kids so the whole family could come and saw it as an opportunity for some quality family time, rather than remembering that invitation is meant to spend quality time with POF and DH.

I think I wouldn't not invite Cindy and Dave in the future, but I'd be very careful to word the invitation so that it was clear what the plans are.  However, it really depends upon how this current outing turns out.



TootsNYC

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One other thing that occurred to me after reading some of the responses people posted while I was initially writing mine is that you shouldn't be afraid to be specific about what you have in mind for the day/weekend, and you also shouldn't be afraid (once you've communicated what you're after) to tell someone that it doesn't sound like their plans will work with yours, so you should plan on getting together another time.

If what you have in mind is hanging out on/near/in the lake with friends and drinks and snacks, then say that. And if Cindy says they plan to do outlet shopping, stop by for lunch, and then head out early, you can tell her that her plans don't work very well with yours (perhaps because you weren't going to have lunch at a specific time, or you were going to eat picnic-style on the boat, or you had some specific activity in mind that would make it awkward for her to arrive late and/or leave early). If you have been upfront about what you're planning when you issue the invitation, then you are basically issuing an invitation to join you in your plans (not just join you in the location).

I think that might be sort of key for issuing invitations in the future, unless you really don't have plans and just want to see the person you're inviting for whatever time they have.

I do still think that an invitation to a person's vacation home is kind of an implied invitation to join them, and not just stay in the nice vacation home, but obviously some people won't see it that way. Being explicit gives you more room to say that actually, that won't work so you should plan on lunch next weekend at your regular house instead, and it also hopefully avoids annoyance because of mismatched expectations.

I know this thread is pretty much done, but I wanted to chime in that I agree w/ Dindrane.

And I'd be bothered too.

I feel very strongly about the bolded, and if I realized that someone didn't see it the same way, I'd never invite them again. No hard feelings, but never -that- invitation.


I'd also be turned off by her telling her husband, "we can go to their vacation home another time."

But I'd also encourage you to realize that you didn't really mean it when you invited their adult kids too, and that you should think harder about what invitation -you- want to issue, and then explicitly invite someone for that. And then be ready to say, when they say, "Oh, we'd love to come, but we'll go shopping in the morning instead of hanging out on the boat," you can say, "Well, that's not what I'd planned, so it doesn't sound like it will work for you."


SoCalVal

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But I'd also encourage you to realize that you didn't really mean it when you invited their adult kids too, and that you should think harder about what invitation -you- want to issue, and then explicitly invite someone for that. And then be ready to say, when they say, "Oh, we'd love to come, but we'll go shopping in the morning instead of hanging out on the boat," you can say, "Well, that's not what I'd planned, so it doesn't sound like it will work for you."

I didn't get that she really didn't mean it when she invited the adult kids, too.  However, I can see what would really bother me about this whole situation.  I don't recall seeing anywhere where Cindy wanted to include OP and DH in their family's plans nearby for the rest of the day, and I think, if it were me, it would have stung less if Cindy did extend that invitation to come along because I would've thought, "Oh, okay; they *do* want to spend time with us but not necessarily doing what we are inviting them to do."



POF

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Update:

They came down around 10:00 and left at 4:00  and you know what - that was really OK with me.  Its been several years since I spent an entire day with Cindy and I now remember why.  She can not just sit and let the day evolve.  Part of the fun of the Lakehouse is the tranquility.  It's just nice to sit on the beach or the porch and let the day go by. 

I asked her if she would like to take a walk around the area ( her kids were hanging out with my son ) and she couldn't just take a stroll with me, she had to round up everyone - including her husband who was relaxing on the porch to take the TOUR that POF was offering.  her desire to tuen everything into some sort of OCCASION makes her lose the ability to just enjoy the day.

She is still a big helicopter Mom - and even though her kids are in their early 20's they are very over managed by her.  I really like her kids - I've always been really fond of them and while we live far enough part that I see them a handful of times a year - we get along well ( and they get along great with my boys ).  But she would not let the kids just do their own thing ....  in fact her husband said - she would not have come if the kids had not been able to come.

Everyone voice how much they wished they could have stayed over .... but unfortunately - that's not going to happen.  The Lakehouse is in such high demand that its very rare to have a weekend where you can have guests overnight.  And honestly I don't think we will have them down again.  DH said - its fine to go with them to dinner or a set activity ( watch a sporting event, go to a tourist attraction ) - but Cindy really can't enjoy just a day hanging with friends.

So thanks for the great advice, I always learn a lot about myself when I pose these things out on the board ( OK I confess - you are my cheapo therapy  ;D )

Oh and just to clarify - I really was happy her kids could come.... but I knew she would put them under pressure etc and that's why I said its OK if they couldn't.

Also her husband really wanted to stay and chill - but she insisted on this shopping thing. 


ladyknight1

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I know a few "Cindy"s and I completely understand. When nothing can be low key, it is difficult to relax.

VorFemme

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Cindy is one of those people who just can't sit still, huh?

I admit that I like to wander around and look at things at museums, theme parks, shopping malls, fabric stores, craft stores, book stores, and the like...but I can sit still and enjoy reading, knitting, crafting, or reading Etiquette Hell...

Just let me know what the plans are so that I have walking shoes, a swimsuit, and whatever else might be handy for the events of the day.

Maybe you should have claimed that you were having a bridge tournament and set up two (or three) tables for a double elimination with partners rotating from table to table (were her kids and your son enough for a second table?)...then everyone could have sat down with some iced drinks, snacks, and had some fun indoors...without a "tour"!
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

POF

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Cindy is one of those people who just can't sit still, huh?

I admit that I like to wander around and look at things at museums, theme parks, shopping malls, fabric stores, craft stores, book stores, and the like...but I can sit still and enjoy reading, knitting, crafting, or reading Etiquette Hell...

Just let me know what the plans are so that I have walking shoes, a swimsuit, and whatever else might be handy for the events of the day.

Maybe you should have claimed that you were having a bridge tournament and set up two (or three) tables for a double elimination with partners rotating from table to table (were her kids and your son enough for a second table?)...then everyone could have sat down with some iced drinks, snacks, and had some fun indoors...without a "tour"!

I too am a more active type person, I like to look at things walk around etc. I can never spend more than 3 days or so at the house before I go stir crazy.  its remote, we have to take a boat to get to the town ( and I don't drive the boat ).   But for a weekend or long weekend - I enjoy it.  ( But not every weekend ). The inlaws haven't been down much in June - so I have gone a few extra days with DH.  But starting in July - its a madhouse with family around.  I'll go for an overnight, but more than that I going crazy.

However - EVERYONE will be done for the fourth and I will sir and watch the fireworks fly :) 


gramma dishes

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I read the whole thead and I do realize that the weekend has passed and everything went more or less okay, even if it wasn't quite up to POF's original expectations.

I'm glad for that.

But I just wanted to reassure POF that hormones had nothing to do with it.  Any hormones I ever had flew the coop long ago and I've pretty much long forgotten they were ever there, but I immediately knew how POF felt when she realized the vacation plans were getting all diverted from what she had in mind when she and her husband originally issued the invitation.  As I was reading the original post I felt just like she did.  Kind of used.

I say this only partly tongue in cheek:  Maybe sometime they should just invite the husband alone and let Cindy have a whirlwind weekend at the mall with her kids.  Separate vacations so to speak.   ;)


GSNW

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I'm glad it went OK, POF.  I would probably feel the same in your shoes about not inviting Cindy and Family for this type of activity again.  It seems odd to me that she would corral her adult children into this event as well, I would have been bored and annoyed at that age if taken to see my parents' friends and then not been allowed to socialize with other kids without intervention (but I realize that may just be me).

And I totally share your love of going somewhere just to BE.  My family spends a lot of time at Lake Powell (in Utah) and the whole point of being on the boat is to eat when hungry, sleep when tired, swim when hot, and spend the rest of the time playing cards and reading.  No agenda necessary!