Author Topic: How or Even If I Should Respond?  (Read 11335 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #45 on: June 16, 2014, 01:43:30 PM »
They do in my family, because they're a bunch of boundary stompers.  Even a casual mention became "yay, WE're going to XYZ!"  Your mileage may vary quite a bit.

I could fill thread after thread with tale after tale.

I would love to hear some of the stories if you would care to post them.  :) 

I have never, ever had anyone ask (until now) to go on vacation with us.  In fact, before this woman, I had never even heard of anyone else talking about how someone had invited themselves on someone else's vacation. :)  Parties, yes...I have definitely heard stories of people inviting themselves to parties, but not vacations for some reason.

My ILs did, back when they were my boyfriend's parents. In fact, my boyfriend did, and then his parents horned in.
   They're lucky I didn't break up with them all!

Figgie

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #46 on: June 16, 2014, 01:52:04 PM »
I will also share with my friend the JADE acronym and what it stands for.  I don't know, but I think it will be a difficult habit for her to break, but so necessary when dealing with her friend.

We've all been trained to give excuses--it's a deniability thing. We don't want to say "we don't like you that much," because it's hurtful.

With most people that's a good thing.

But when you run into pushy people like this, you just have to do it.

And note that my phrasing doesn't say "we *don't* like you." It just says "only this group," and it uses a group that denies other people entry without being rejecting.

That makes a great deal of sense and I will explain it to my friend the same way you explained it to me.  :)

jedikaiti

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #47 on: June 16, 2014, 02:02:10 PM »
I agree, your friend needs to learn not to JADE with this person. Not one bit. Not to discuss vacation plans with this friend at all. Not to say they're doing something with you, or that you are joining them. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Any excuses as to WHY this person wasn't invited along will only serve to give her a target to hammer on (as a PP alluded to) for future vacations.

If directly asked about vacation plans, I suggest only the vaguest of answers, followed by a big dose of bean dip. "Oh yes, we've been giving some thought to our future plans. How's the bean dip?" or "Last year's vacation was lovely. Bean dip?" And that's it.

When the other person asks to join future vacations, a quick "I'm afraid that won't be possible," followed by a liberal dose of bean dip might be the best solution. Your friend should refuse to JADE at all, or even to answer any questions as to why. Just say no, and bean dip.
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pierrotlunaire0

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #48 on: June 16, 2014, 02:57:04 PM »
Wow.

My sister had a similar experience - she and her husband own a holiday flat in Turkey. In her case, it was someone she knew slightly through work, but not socially. She sent an e-mail to their wok email  saying "Just thought you ought to know that a scam artist seems to be trying to use your name - we had a phone message from someone pretending to be you, trying to invite themselves onto a holiday with us,. We assume it was some sort scam - don't now whether they were trying to get details of when our house will be empty, or when the flat will be, we were immediately  suspicious because we knew you would never be so rude as to invite yourself to our flat,  but we thought you'd want to know that someone is using your name - you may want to let your friends and amil know, in case someone has hacked our address book or something."

(I can't speak to the exact wording, but it was along those lines. It worked)
 If they try to contact you again, and if you or your friends have an e-mail address for them, then something like this might be worth trying!

Brilliant.
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lowspark

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #49 on: June 16, 2014, 03:32:31 PM »
I gotta wonder why your friends are still friends with these people. If I were your friend, I'd block them on my facebook and end it.

Too bad someone didn't take these people aside back when they were about 12 years old and say, "It's rude to invite yourself to things. Don't do it."

TootsNYC

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #50 on: June 16, 2014, 03:40:48 PM »
People have probably been telling them, "It never hurts to ask."

gemma156

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #51 on: June 16, 2014, 05:34:18 PM »
Silence is an answer.

sammycat

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #52 on: June 16, 2014, 08:03:52 PM »
One thing your friend should do is block this woman from being able to see any posts or pictures about her holidays on facebook. If she doesn't have access to the dates, specific location etc that may lessen the chances of her trying to hone in. Hopefully.

I have never, ever had anyone ask (until now) to go on vacation with us.  In fact, before this woman, I had never even heard of anyone else talking about how someone had invited themselves on someone else's vacation. :)  Parties, yes...I have definitely heard stories of people inviting themselves to parties, but not vacations for some reason.

Same here. Maybe I should be insulted that no one wants to go on holiday with us, lol. ;D (We've planned holidays with people, but that was from the get-go, not them just deciding to jump on board). Or perhaps I should just be thankful that aside from a few joking "can I come in your suitcase" type comments, my friends and family seem to know that adding yourself to someone else's holiday is just not the done thing.

Roe

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #53 on: June 16, 2014, 08:29:52 PM »
They do in my family, because they're a bunch of boundary stompers.  Even a casual mention became "yay, WE're going to XYZ!"  Your mileage may vary quite a bit.

I could fill thread after thread with tale after tale.

I would love to hear some of the stories if you would care to post them.  :) 

I have never, ever had anyone ask (until now) to go on vacation with us.  In fact, before this woman, I had never even heard of anyone else talking about how someone had invited themselves on someone else's vacation. :)  Parties, yes...I have definitely heard stories of people inviting themselves to parties, but not vacations for some reason.

My ILs did, back when they were my boyfriend's parents. In fact, my boyfriend did, and then his parents horned in.
   They're lucky I didn't break up with them all!

My SIL, K'nnihave, asked and did join us on a vacation to Disney. I posted it to eHell. It was horrible!

Roe

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #54 on: June 16, 2014, 08:30:33 PM »
People have probably been telling them, "It never hurts to ask."

Yep, this is what happens with that kind of mentality.

VorFemme

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #55 on: June 18, 2014, 07:16:04 PM »
I will also share with my friend the JADE acronym and what it stands for.  I don't know, but I think it will be a difficult habit for her to break, but so necessary when dealing with her friend.

We've all been trained to give excuses--it's a deniability thing. We don't want to say "we don't like you that much," because it's hurtful.

With most people that's a good thing.

But when you run into pushy people like this, you just have to do it.

And note that my phrasing doesn't say "we *don't* like you." It just says "only this group," and it uses a group that denies other people entry without being rejecting.

That makes a great deal of sense and I will explain it to my friend the same way you explained it to me.  :)

Slight detour - but it does relate, if you think about it.

I sew.  I sew for myself, my spouse, my kids, the grandbaby, my parents, nieces & nephews, and various in-laws - when I have the time, the energy, and know that there is something that they would *like* to have made for them.  I do not sew for random people. 

I have been asked if I would sew something for someone (sister-in-law can't sew - they'd bought a costume in a kit for a niece).  I sewed that up that evening in exchange for them inviting us to dinner because I would not have time to make dinner for my family AND sew the costume up. 

BG - They had not asked in advance if I would do it - I was picking up DD from their house and niece asked me point blank if I could/would do it because her mommy "didn't know how".  It was the day before Halloween...so if it was going to be ready for Trick or Treating, I had to sew it that night.  I did *not* want to fix dinner at home then stay up half the night sewing (machine in our bedroom) and then be exhausted the next day. 

Several years later, a co-worker asked the same question.  I told her that I would sew for her if she cleaned house & fixed dinner for my family while I was doing the sewing for her - as I only had time after work to do either my own housework or the sewing.  She declined to drive thirty miles to fix dinner & clean my house, for some reason.

I have several relatives who have been asked to join us at one time or another at the time share.  DD & her family showed up.  My parents showed up several times, with a nephew or nieces in tow.  My sister has shown up.  Other friends & family members have been invited but have declined or cancelled instead.

The only person who tried to invite themselves was a SIL and the mother of the nieces who had been there before twice (invited a third time - but they decided that they didn't want Grandma & Grandpa to take them because they drive too slow or some such comment [where Grandpa heard it] and their parents were not able to take the time off work to drive them instead). 

Grandma & Grandpa decided to have a stay-cation that year instead of spending a day driving from their house to Brother's house, three days driving from Brother's house to Orlando, a week in Orlando, then three days driving back to Brother's house, and another day driving home.  As they were in their mid-seventies at the time, I assumed that they knew how much energy they wanted to spend.  DD & her family as well as VorSon, VorGuy, and I sprawled out over the three bedroom time share and enjoyed the heck out of it.  Privacy for six people is better than little or no privacy for ten people...although we could have had up to 12 in that three bedroom unit...with three bathrooms.

We have asked Brother & his family about going with us - but they apparently don't plan out their vacation over a year in advance (if we don't make reservations 13 months in advance, we have additional charges to pay - so we plan things well in advance).  If they want to be more spontaneous, then they can be.  But we might only have a one bedroom reserved in advance and there could be no way to change that due to "no room at the inn" if they ask about joining us a month earlier. 

Or we could have already gotten into the mind set of "it's just the two of us" and not want to add anyone at all - not even a grandchild.   

Rather like your already planned and reservations made for a one bedroom with close enough friends that you don't *mind* sharing with them.  The random friends of friends can get over it or die mad.

At this point, it might actually be easier on your friend if the woman decides to "teach her a lesson" but cutting her off for a while.  Sometimes the best gift from a mooch is their absence...
« Last Edit: June 22, 2014, 09:13:01 PM by VorFemme »
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missmolly

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #56 on: June 19, 2014, 08:51:58 AM »
I remember an old post, (probably deleted now), where a poster was taking an annual family holiday to Florida, and a particularly annoying parent with a spoiled child tried to invite her child along with the family - essentially she wanted the OP to take an extra kid along, pay all her expenses and provide free babysitting. When the OP gave a very firm no, the mother tried to book a holiday for herself and the kid at the same resorts/parks as the family. From what I can remember she couldn't really afford it and didn't end up going, but still tried to pressure the OP in sharing holiday details so that she would share her vacation whether she wanted to or not!
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BabyMama

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #57 on: June 19, 2014, 10:38:39 AM »
My in-laws (husband's brother and his wife) have asked as well--my grandparents own a small cabin on a lake, and they very strongly hinted that they'd like to be invited.

It's really a very small cabin--there are two small private bedrooms, one for my grandparents and one for whichever couple shows up first, and then one large room with two queens, one twin, and one very, very uncomfortable cot that nobody sleeps on unless they have to. There's also a pullout couch, which is in the middle of the living room. My BIL's family has 4 kids (and they always seem to be dragging in extra kids everywhere.) Their family would cause an overflow, even if none of my family was there.

We've considered inviting their kids along one at a time--that's what my parents did with my cousins when we were kids--but (and this sounds terrible) I just don't like any of them enough to spend 5 hours one way in the car with them, and then a long weekend watching them.

Eden

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #58 on: June 19, 2014, 10:53:33 AM »
I think the OP has gotten great advice so I'll just chime in with a similar tale. I posted once about my SIL confronting me (loudly in the middle of a party) telling me she expected to be invited on my next vacation. I had vacationed with other siblings but never talked about them in front of anyone else ahead of time. It was a big (calm on my side) confrontation and ended with my SIL in tears because I simply pointed out she was putting me in a bad position and that I do not vacation with every person whom I love. Some are vacation buddies, some are not.

I think the thing that bothered me the most about the whole thing (besides the public confrontation) and similar stories I've read here is that SIL made the whole thing my responsibility. If my SIL wants to vacation with me, how about trying to plan something with me rather than demand inclusion in my plans?

Redneck Gravy

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #59 on: June 19, 2014, 11:57:04 AM »
Well I am going to go against the grain and say call her back and say no that will not be possible. I'm the first to say don't engage the crazy but I think you need to nip this thing in the bud right now.  And let your friends off the hook with the guilt - this is one crazy woman.

I know you blocked her from your phone but she may be (probably is) resourceful enough to track down another method for reaching you (snail mail, email, work phone ?).

Stop the Insanity Now - call her and say No That Will Not Be Possible, lather, rinse, repeat.

I'm stunned at the request, just stunned!