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Author Topic: How or Even If I Should Respond?  (Read 24746 times)

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Another Sarah

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #75 on: June 25, 2014, 04:18:52 AM »
Really? I know this woman was clearly rude, but if my friend has been telling me about her great beach vacations for years & I say to her one day "you know, I'd love to join you guys sometime, if you're looking for new people to join in. But if not, no worries.' Would that be rude?

I know that's not a question, per se (and I gave her an out) so does that make it different/less rude?

I think there's a vast difference between what you asked, and saying, 'Oh a beach vacation?? I LOVE beaches!! Can I come next time?  Oh let me see....of course John has to come with me, and John's friend Marsha, and the baby.  And the nieces, can't forget the nieces.  That'll be 5 more people at our next vacation!  Won't that be FUN?'

Yeah. Big difference.

What I'd say was rude about your example was the presumption, not the question. I'm not arguing it's rude to decide you're coming on someone else's vacation but saying "Oh a beach vacation to Thatplaceyoualwaysgo? I love beaches and I've always wanted to see Thatplaceyoualwaysgo! Would you like to all go together some time?" is not rude in the slightest.

Where it becomes rude to me is where "no" is not accepted. But we see that all the time on eHell, where a seemingly polite request turns into a spiderweb of arguments and pleading to get you to do what you have already said no to.

Mammavan3

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #76 on: June 25, 2014, 03:11:47 PM »
I think a blunt but honest refusal would be best for your friend. "Our condos only accommodate four people, and we always vacation with so-and-so, so there is no room for additional people."

At my age, even four people in a one-bedroom unit would be problematic. Six would be out of the question.

Unless, of course, she wants to say, "if you'd like to join us, the condo fee to add additional people would be $XXX," a sum that would be significantly higher than two weeks at the most luxurious resort.

Roe

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #77 on: June 25, 2014, 04:29:48 PM »
Op, how did you choose to respond?

Figgie

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #78 on: June 25, 2014, 07:00:23 PM »
We put her number on ignore and after trying a few more times and getting the message that our phone number is no longer in service, she appears to have stopped trying to call us. 

I shared some of the suggestions on how to say no from this thread with my friend.  When we talked on the phone this past weekend, she had not heard from her friend and so had not had the opportunity to use any of the advice from this thread yet.  :)

Ceallach

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #79 on: June 29, 2014, 06:59:16 PM »
I think there are a great many cases where it hurts to ask. It's not appropriate.
I would even say in most cases, you shouldn't ask--or, if you stop to think whether you should ask--you shouldn't.

I agree.  There are many requests that are inappropriate or put the person you're asking in a very awkward position.   

I always find the "it's ok to ask if you politely accept a no" generalisation to be strange.   It's ok to ask something appropriate, but there are many things which it's never, ever ok to ask!  Or people whom it's inappropriate to ask certain things of.   I can think of a dozen examples without even trying.

Agreed.

Pod. I also find the "it doesn't hurt to ask so long as you accept no" to be, not only strange, but rude. IME, it's rude to put someone on the spot.

Really? I know this woman was clearly rude, but if my friend has been telling me about her great beach vacations for years & I say to her one day "you know, I'd love to join you guys sometime, if you're looking for new people to join in. But if not, no worries.' Would that be rude?

I know that's not a question, per se (and I gave her an out) so does that make it different/less rude?

I would never randomly ask/demand someone that I barely knew (like what happened to the OP), but if I was close enough to someone that they were sharing  details of their trips (or of their life) with me, then it wouldn't strike me as rude to make a question/statement mentioning that I'd be interested in X thing too. Am I incorrect in that thinking?

The difference in the way you propose is that you're not putting them on the spot - you're expressing a general interest in vacationing with them one day as part of conversation.   If they're not interested then it's easy enough for them to ignore or beandip and because you're polite you'll never raise it again, there's no awkwardness and no need for them to try to work out how to turn you down or set you straight.     

It's putting them on the spot if you were to make a specific, outright request of somebody beyond the reasonable demands of your relationship and circumstances.
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"