Author Topic: How or Even If I Should Respond?  (Read 11874 times)

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omjulie

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #75 on: June 24, 2014, 03:11:16 PM »
I've never had anyone quite this persistent, but my way of brushing off people asking for an invitation is usually to say something like, "Oh, it's just going to be me and [person], actually. Sorry." No justifying it, no explaining, and do not add the phrase "this time" if you don't want them to think they might be invited next time. If they're a person I genuinely do want to spend time with, then I offer to schedule something with them another time. If not, I just leave it at that. I've been in some social circles where inviting oneself along to things was very common, and that response seems to work well without seriously hurting anyone's feelings. The key is to keep your tone sort of brisk and polite and then move on from the subject quickly. Don't act overly apologetic or wait around for them to respond - you want to make it clear that you expect them to take it well and be reasonable about it, and you're so sure they're going to react that way that you don't feel the need to check for their actual response. Most people pick up the cue when you do that and follow your lead onto a different topic of discussion.

If I get a "but whyyyyyyy" type answer or they try to argue about why they should come, I just act a bit uncomfortable, and then say, "That's just how it is" or "No, that won't work" or just change the subject without responding. With the few very obnoxious people I've known, I just tell them no once and then never engage on the topic again if I can help it - whenever they bring it up, I just give them a slightly confused look and change the subject.

If your friend's friend is really so persistent that she can't beandip her way out of it, she can always try saying, "I'm sorry, but this is very awkward for me. Would you rather wait to talk until after I get back from my vacation?" And then when friend inevitably tries to argue her case again, just say, "I already told you it won't be possible. I'm sure you can find your own vacation for the same timeframe. Let's talk again after we both get back." And then she needs to leave, and not engage on the topic again unless it's to say (with increasing impatience), "We've already talked about this." Basically, once she gives the initial "no," she should just refer back to that - this friend needs no new information, because she already has all the info about the trip that she needs (namely, that she is not invited).

Personally I think it's OK to say "I'm sorry" if that makes your friend feel better, but she shouldn't linger on the apology or be overly conciliatory about it - just say the words, since they're so ingrained, and then find something else to do. I find that's the best thing for people who have trouble saying no - find lots of things they suddenly need to be busy doing so they don't have to deal with the aftermath and can get their nerves under control in private.

Really? I know this woman was clearly rude, but if my friend has been telling me about her great beach vacations for years & I say to her one day "you know, I'd love to join you guys sometime, if you're looking for new people to join in. But if not, no worries.' Would that be rude?

I know that's not a question, per se (and I gave her an out) so does that make it different/less rude?

I would never randomly ask/demand someone that I barely knew (like what happened to the OP), but if I was close enough to someone that they were sharing  details of their trips (or of their life) with me, then it wouldn't strike me as rude to make a question/statement mentioning that I'd be interested in X thing too. Am I incorrect in that thinking?

I think that's fine, though it might be better to let her give you an opening before asking. If someone says, "We usually vacation with So-and-So, but they can't come this year," then it makes more sense to say, "Oh, well, we're available if you're looking for someone to help split costs." But I do think your way is fine since you didn't say "Can I go this year?" but rather, "If at some point in some hypothetical future you're thinking of inviting someone new along, we would be interested," which is rather a different thing IMO.

Another Sarah

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #76 on: June 25, 2014, 05:18:52 AM »
Really? I know this woman was clearly rude, but if my friend has been telling me about her great beach vacations for years & I say to her one day "you know, I'd love to join you guys sometime, if you're looking for new people to join in. But if not, no worries.' Would that be rude?

I know that's not a question, per se (and I gave her an out) so does that make it different/less rude?

I think there's a vast difference between what you asked, and saying, 'Oh a beach vacation?? I LOVE beaches!! Can I come next time?  Oh let me see....of course John has to come with me, and John's friend Marsha, and the baby.  And the nieces, can't forget the nieces.  That'll be 5 more people at our next vacation!  Won't that be FUN?'

Yeah. Big difference.

What I'd say was rude about your example was the presumption, not the question. I'm not arguing it's rude to decide you're coming on someone else's vacation but saying "Oh a beach vacation to Thatplaceyoualwaysgo? I love beaches and I've always wanted to see Thatplaceyoualwaysgo! Would you like to all go together some time?" is not rude in the slightest.

Where it becomes rude to me is where "no" is not accepted. But we see that all the time on eHell, where a seemingly polite request turns into a spiderweb of arguments and pleading to get you to do what you have already said no to.

Mammavan3

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #77 on: June 25, 2014, 04:11:47 PM »
I think a blunt but honest refusal would be best for your friend. "Our condos only accommodate four people, and we always vacation with so-and-so, so there is no room for additional people."

At my age, even four people in a one-bedroom unit would be problematic. Six would be out of the question.

Unless, of course, she wants to say, "if you'd like to join us, the condo fee to add additional people would be $XXX," a sum that would be significantly higher than two weeks at the most luxurious resort.

Roe

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #78 on: June 25, 2014, 05:29:48 PM »
Op, how did you choose to respond?

Figgie

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #79 on: June 25, 2014, 08:00:23 PM »
We put her number on ignore and after trying a few more times and getting the message that our phone number is no longer in service, she appears to have stopped trying to call us. 

I shared some of the suggestions on how to say no from this thread with my friend.  When we talked on the phone this past weekend, she had not heard from her friend and so had not had the opportunity to use any of the advice from this thread yet.  :)

Ceallach

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #80 on: June 29, 2014, 07:59:16 PM »
I think there are a great many cases where it hurts to ask. It's not appropriate.
I would even say in most cases, you shouldn't ask--or, if you stop to think whether you should ask--you shouldn't.

I agree.  There are many requests that are inappropriate or put the person you're asking in a very awkward position.   

I always find the "it's ok to ask if you politely accept a no" generalisation to be strange.   It's ok to ask something appropriate, but there are many things which it's never, ever ok to ask!  Or people whom it's inappropriate to ask certain things of.   I can think of a dozen examples without even trying.

Agreed.

Pod. I also find the "it doesn't hurt to ask so long as you accept no" to be, not only strange, but rude. IME, it's rude to put someone on the spot.

Really? I know this woman was clearly rude, but if my friend has been telling me about her great beach vacations for years & I say to her one day "you know, I'd love to join you guys sometime, if you're looking for new people to join in. But if not, no worries.' Would that be rude?

I know that's not a question, per se (and I gave her an out) so does that make it different/less rude?

I would never randomly ask/demand someone that I barely knew (like what happened to the OP), but if I was close enough to someone that they were sharing  details of their trips (or of their life) with me, then it wouldn't strike me as rude to make a question/statement mentioning that I'd be interested in X thing too. Am I incorrect in that thinking?

The difference in the way you propose is that you're not putting them on the spot - you're expressing a general interest in vacationing with them one day as part of conversation.   If they're not interested then it's easy enough for them to ignore or beandip and because you're polite you'll never raise it again, there's no awkwardness and no need for them to try to work out how to turn you down or set you straight.     

It's putting them on the spot if you were to make a specific, outright request of somebody beyond the reasonable demands of your relationship and circumstances.
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