Author Topic: How or Even If I Should Respond?  (Read 11419 times)

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Celany

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #60 on: June 19, 2014, 01:03:58 PM »
People have probably been telling them, "It never hurts to ask."

Yep, this is what happens with that kind of mentality.

I'd just like to say I think there's a huge difference between "it never hurts to ask" and "I am going to pester the crap out of you until you cave"

In many cases, I don't think it necessarily hurts to *ask*, but after a no (and no explanations needed on that no) is tendered, the subject needs to be dropped.
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TootsNYC

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #61 on: June 19, 2014, 01:08:23 PM »
I think there are a great many cases where it hurts to ask. It's not appropriate.
I would even say in most cases, you shouldn't ask--or, if you stop to think whether you should ask--you shouldn't.

Ceallach

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #62 on: June 22, 2014, 03:12:45 AM »
I think there are a great many cases where it hurts to ask. It's not appropriate.
I would even say in most cases, you shouldn't ask--or, if you stop to think whether you should ask--you shouldn't.

I agree.  There are many requests that are inappropriate or put the person you're asking in a very awkward position.   

I always find the "it's ok to ask if you politely accept a no" generalisation to be strange.   It's ok to ask something appropriate, but there are many things which it's never, ever ok to ask!  Or people whom it's inappropriate to ask certain things of.   I can think of a dozen examples without even trying.
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sammycat

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #63 on: June 22, 2014, 03:15:35 AM »
I think there are a great many cases where it hurts to ask. It's not appropriate.
I would even say in most cases, you shouldn't ask--or, if you stop to think whether you should ask--you shouldn't.

I agree.  There are many requests that are inappropriate or put the person you're asking in a very awkward position.   

I always find the "it's ok to ask if you politely accept a no" generalisation to be strange.   It's ok to ask something appropriate, but there are many things which it's never, ever ok to ask!  Or people whom it's inappropriate to ask certain things of.   I can think of a dozen examples without even trying.

Agreed.

Runningstar

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #64 on: June 22, 2014, 08:00:47 AM »
Wow, this very thing happened to me years ago.  A co-worker heard about my vacation plans at my uncle's place and decided that since she wanted to come along, I told her no.  She requested time off from work & got it.  Then she informed me that I would be including her in my plans.  I told her no, she tried to use the request for time off against that (as in - but I've made significant steps in order to come and if you deny me I'll lose my vacation time).  She had met my uncle a few times, called him about it.  He didn't know that this vulture had been told no by me and assumed that I had told her to get directions and info from him.  She then smugly informed me that she'd be there that Friday with wine and food.  I went ballistic, ending with very non etiquette approved things.  We went from being cheerful and friendly co-workers to completely silent ones.  We both went on to other jobs and I've never seen her again. 
Not really advice, but hindsight for the OP?  The first no from me was a smiling (cause I thought that she must be kidding) one.  The second was a little bit dismayed one, and the third was over the top.  I should have been firm and not at all so gentle for the first no.  If these people do manage to get in touch somehow with you, be firm right away.

iridaceae

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #65 on: June 22, 2014, 08:09:37 AM »
I've had co-workers ask if they could be stowed in my luggage..... does that count?

Curly Wurly Doggie Breath

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #66 on: June 22, 2014, 09:20:06 AM »
I've had co-workers ask if they could be stowed in my luggage..... does that count?

I hope not, I do that all the time, in a just kidding way. We all laugh in a tired way and its not mentioned again

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Curly Wurly Doggie Breath

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #67 on: June 22, 2014, 09:22:11 AM »
Wow, this very thing happened to me years ago.  A co-worker heard about my vacation plans at my uncle's place and decided that since she wanted to come along, I told her no.  She requested time off from work & got it.  Then she informed me that I would be including her in my plans.  I told her no, she tried to use the request for time off against that (as in - but I've made significant steps in order to come and if you deny me I'll lose my vacation time).  She had met my uncle a few times, called him about it.  He didn't know that this vulture had been told no by me and assumed that I had told her to get directions and info from him.  She then smugly informed me that she'd be there that Friday with wine and food.  I went ballistic, ending with very non etiquette approved things.  We went from being cheerful and friendly co-workers to completely silent ones.  We both went on to other jobs and I've never seen her again. 
Not really advice, but hindsight for the OP?  The first no from me was a smiling (cause I thought that she must be kidding) one.  The second was a little bit dismayed one, and the third was over the top.  I should have been firm and not at all so gentle for the first no.  If these people do manage to get in touch somehow with you, be firm right away.

What in the dog's breath Gone Mind was she thinking  ??? :o

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Roe

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #68 on: June 22, 2014, 12:37:03 PM »
I think there are a great many cases where it hurts to ask. It's not appropriate.
I would even say in most cases, you shouldn't ask--or, if you stop to think whether you should ask--you shouldn't.

I agree.  There are many requests that are inappropriate or put the person you're asking in a very awkward position.   

I always find the "it's ok to ask if you politely accept a no" generalisation to be strange.   It's ok to ask something appropriate, but there are many things which it's never, ever ok to ask!  Or people whom it's inappropriate to ask certain things of.   I can think of a dozen examples without even trying.

Agreed.

Pod. I also find the "it doesn't hurt to ask so long as you accept no" to be, not only strange, but rude. IME, it's rude to put someone on the spot.

Tea Drinker

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #69 on: June 22, 2014, 02:19:48 PM »
"It doesn't hurt to ask" is more defensible if the asking is an offer than a request: "would you like to have lunch with me Saturday?" to someone you've never done social stuff with, or who you know is very busy, is often okay. That's the sort of thing where I sometimes have to remind myself that it's okay to ask, because the worst that will happen is the person will say no: sometimes it's someone who already knows I like them, and once in a while it might be a new/casual acquaintance, but there, the worst likely outcome is that they say no, and I say something like "OK, thanks anyhow" or just talk about something else.

It's the difference between asking a person if they want to do something with me, and asking them to do something for me.
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SoCalVal

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #70 on: June 22, 2014, 02:57:29 PM »
Wow, this very thing happened to me years ago.  A co-worker heard about my vacation plans at my uncle's place and decided that since she wanted to come along, I told her no.  She requested time off from work & got it.  Then she informed me that I would be including her in my plans.  I told her no, she tried to use the request for time off against that (as in - but I've made significant steps in order to come and if you deny me I'll lose my vacation time).  She had met my uncle a few times, called him about it.  He didn't know that this vulture had been told no by me and assumed that I had told her to get directions and info from him.  She then smugly informed me that she'd be there that Friday with wine and food.  I went ballistic, ending with very non etiquette approved things.  We went from being cheerful and friendly co-workers to completely silent ones.  We both went on to other jobs and I've never seen her again. 
Not really advice, but hindsight for the OP?  The first no from me was a smiling (cause I thought that she must be kidding) one.  The second was a little bit dismayed one, and the third was over the top.  I should have been firm and not at all so gentle for the first no.  If these people do manage to get in touch somehow with you, be firm right away.

So what *was* her response when you went off on her, since polite noes did not work at all and she completed crossed the line by smugly telling you she'd be there after all?  Was this a story that ended up making its rounds at work (because I just couldn't imagine someone like this keeping her mouth shut given how she felt she should be able to go on your vacation)?



Runningstar

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #71 on: June 22, 2014, 07:23:24 PM »
Wow, this very thing happened to me years ago.  A co-worker heard about my vacation plans at my uncle's place and decided that since she wanted to come along, I told her no.  She requested time off from work & got it.  Then she informed me that I would be including her in my plans.  I told her no, she tried to use the request for time off against that (as in - but I've made significant steps in order to come and if you deny me I'll lose my vacation time).  She had met my uncle a few times, called him about it.  He didn't know that this vulture had been told no by me and assumed that I had told her to get directions and info from him.  She then smugly informed me that she'd be there that Friday with wine and food.  I went ballistic, ending with very non etiquette approved things.  We went from being cheerful and friendly co-workers to completely silent ones.  We both went on to other jobs and I've never seen her again. 
Not really advice, but hindsight for the OP?  The first no from me was a smiling (cause I thought that she must be kidding) one.  The second was a little bit dismayed one, and the third was over the top.  I should have been firm and not at all so gentle for the first no.  If these people do manage to get in touch somehow with you, be firm right away.

So what *was* her response when you went off on her, since polite noes did not work at all and she completed crossed the line by smugly telling you she'd be there after all?  Was this a story that ended up making its rounds at work (because I just couldn't imagine someone like this keeping her mouth shut given how she felt she should be able to go on your vacation)?
She tried the whole poor me routine to others, but the only thing I heard from them was how shocked they were about what she had tried to do and had done.   Sad to say, but when the blow out happened, a lot of people heard it.  Not very professional on my part either, hopefully I'd be more mature about it now.

sammycat

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #72 on: June 22, 2014, 07:48:19 PM »
Wow, this very thing happened to me years ago.  A co-worker heard about my vacation plans at my uncle's place and decided that since she wanted to come along, I told her no.  She requested time off from work & got it.  Then she informed me that I would be including her in my plans.  I told her no, she tried to use the request for time off against that (as in - but I've made significant steps in order to come and if you deny me I'll lose my vacation time).  She had met my uncle a few times, called him about it.  He didn't know that this vulture had been told no by me and assumed that I had told her to get directions and info from him.  She then smugly informed me that she'd be there that Friday with wine and food.  I went ballistic, ending with very non etiquette approved things.  We went from being cheerful and friendly co-workers to completely silent ones.  We both went on to other jobs and I've never seen her again. 
Not really advice, but hindsight for the OP?  The first no from me was a smiling (cause I thought that she must be kidding) one.  The second was a little bit dismayed one, and the third was over the top.  I should have been firm and not at all so gentle for the first no.  If these people do manage to get in touch somehow with you, be firm right away.

 :o :o

Unless your uncle's name is Walt* and he happens to have a huge (theme) park in the backyard, I can't imagine that visiting a co-worker's uncle's house would be worth all this trouble.  (I'm sure your uncle is a lovely man, but this just seems so strange!).

*Yes, I'm aware Walt Disney has passed away.

Celany

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #73 on: June 24, 2014, 11:25:07 AM »
I think there are a great many cases where it hurts to ask. It's not appropriate.
I would even say in most cases, you shouldn't ask--or, if you stop to think whether you should ask--you shouldn't.

I agree.  There are many requests that are inappropriate or put the person you're asking in a very awkward position.   

I always find the "it's ok to ask if you politely accept a no" generalisation to be strange.   It's ok to ask something appropriate, but there are many things which it's never, ever ok to ask!  Or people whom it's inappropriate to ask certain things of.   I can think of a dozen examples without even trying.

Agreed.

Pod. I also find the "it doesn't hurt to ask so long as you accept no" to be, not only strange, but rude. IME, it's rude to put someone on the spot.

Really? I know this woman was clearly rude, but if my friend has been telling me about her great beach vacations for years & I say to her one day "you know, I'd love to join you guys sometime, if you're looking for new people to join in. But if not, no worries.' Would that be rude?

I know that's not a question, per se (and I gave her an out) so does that make it different/less rude?

I would never randomly ask/demand someone that I barely knew (like what happened to the OP), but if I was close enough to someone that they were sharing  details of their trips (or of their life) with me, then it wouldn't strike me as rude to make a question/statement mentioning that I'd be interested in X thing too. Am I incorrect in that thinking?
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LadyJaneinMD

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Re: How or Even If I Should Respond?
« Reply #74 on: June 24, 2014, 11:38:21 AM »
Really? I know this woman was clearly rude, but if my friend has been telling me about her great beach vacations for years & I say to her one day "you know, I'd love to join you guys sometime, if you're looking for new people to join in. But if not, no worries.' Would that be rude?

I know that's not a question, per se (and I gave her an out) so does that make it different/less rude?

I think there's a vast difference between what you asked, and saying, 'Oh a beach vacation?? I LOVE beaches!! Can I come next time?  Oh let me see....of course John has to come with me, and John's friend Marsha, and the baby.  And the nieces, can't forget the nieces.  That'll be 5 more people at our next vacation!  Won't that be FUN?'

Yeah. Big difference.