Author Topic: Accepting an apology but not forgiving the transgression  (Read 8037 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Winterlight

  • On the internet, no one can tell you're a dog- arf.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 10014
Re: Accepting an apology but not forgiving the transgression
« Reply #75 on: June 16, 2014, 10:21:26 AM »
In my mind, it's very easy to apologize.  It's a bit more difficult to stop the behavior so that you aren't apologizing for the same thing again. 

Friend owes OP an apology, whether OP accepts it nor not doesn't matter.  OP should say thank you for the apology because friend did the right thing by apologizing for their behavior.  However, accepting an apology and calling someone out on their behavior are not mutually exclusive.  Just because an apology is accepted, doesn't mean things are ok, it means that the "social niceties" portion of the discussion is over.

I agree. You can apologize till your tongue falls off, but if you don't rectify what you're apologizing for it's all just hot air.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

Lynn2000

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5706
Re: Accepting an apology but not forgiving the transgression
« Reply #76 on: June 16, 2014, 11:41:55 AM »
One thing with people I know who are often late, is that they don't have a good sense of time. They don't understand how long it will take to get somewhere, or how long it will take them to get ready, and they often want to do "one last thing" before they leave the house (which could really wait) or make "one quick stop" on the way somewhere.

I don't have a good sense of time myself, but I know this and try to compensate for it. I actually do time myself doing things, so I know how long it takes me, personally, to get ready or to get from A to B. And I usually arrange to show up ridiculously early anyway--not to people's houses, because that's just as annoying, but for flights or classes or something like that.

To me, being bad with time is like being bad with directions, or having a restricted diet, or being on a tight budget. You have to realize this about yourself, and then you have to take steps to prevent it from becoming other people's problem (as much as possible). Although I've certainly seen threads about people who make their budget or diet other people's problem, there seems to be something special about the chronically late people, who tend to not realize what the root of the problem is (though I'm sure it's only a subset that are bad with time).
~Lynn2000

lowspark

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4165
Re: Accepting an apology but not forgiving the transgression
« Reply #77 on: June 16, 2014, 11:56:33 AM »
One thing with people I know who are often late, is that they don't have a good sense of time. They don't understand how long it will take to get somewhere, or how long it will take them to get ready, and they often want to do "one last thing" before they leave the house (which could really wait) or make "one quick stop" on the way somewhere.

I don't have a good sense of time myself, but I know this and try to compensate for it. I actually do time myself doing things, so I know how long it takes me, personally, to get ready or to get from A to B. And I usually arrange to show up ridiculously early anyway--not to people's houses, because that's just as annoying, but for flights or classes or something like that.

To me, being bad with time is like being bad with directions, or having a restricted diet, or being on a tight budget. You have to realize this about yourself, and then you have to take steps to prevent it from becoming other people's problem (as much as possible). Although I've certainly seen threads about people who make their budget or diet other people's problem, there seems to be something special about the chronically late people, who tend to not realize what the root of the problem is (though I'm sure it's only a subset that are bad with time).

Yeah but... what if that person is on time "when it matters". I put "when it matters" in quotes because what I mean is, when it matters to them. The friend I have (as I mentioned way up thread) had a business where it was imperative that she be extremely punctual. It was part of her contract with her clients as if she was not punctual, it defeated the purpose of the service she was providing. She had to be on time or she simply could not operate her business.

So it was clearly not a matter of her not being able to judge how long it takes to get ready, how long it takes to get from point A to point B, etc. It had to be a matter of prioritizing. She chose to be on time for her work. She chose not to worry about being on time for social engagements. (And still continues to, by the way.)

As someone up thread mentioned, it was bad enough that she, herself, was late to things. But on top of that, she often made one or more of the rest of us late to things. To me, that was exponentially worse, and it was what led us ultimately, to figure out a solution which worked for us, namely, to quit putting ourselves into a situation where we were affected by her lateness.

So ok, I get that some people don't have a good sense of time. But if they are managing to get themselves to work (and/or other things that are high on their own list of priorities) on time, then I just don't buy that excuse.

Lynn2000

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5706
Re: Accepting an apology but not forgiving the transgression
« Reply #78 on: June 16, 2014, 01:10:42 PM »
One thing with people I know who are often late, is that they don't have a good sense of time. They don't understand how long it will take to get somewhere, or how long it will take them to get ready, and they often want to do "one last thing" before they leave the house (which could really wait) or make "one quick stop" on the way somewhere.

I don't have a good sense of time myself, but I know this and try to compensate for it. I actually do time myself doing things, so I know how long it takes me, personally, to get ready or to get from A to B. And I usually arrange to show up ridiculously early anyway--not to people's houses, because that's just as annoying, but for flights or classes or something like that.

To me, being bad with time is like being bad with directions, or having a restricted diet, or being on a tight budget. You have to realize this about yourself, and then you have to take steps to prevent it from becoming other people's problem (as much as possible). Although I've certainly seen threads about people who make their budget or diet other people's problem, there seems to be something special about the chronically late people, who tend to not realize what the root of the problem is (though I'm sure it's only a subset that are bad with time).

Yeah but... what if that person is on time "when it matters". I put "when it matters" in quotes because what I mean is, when it matters to them. The friend I have (as I mentioned way up thread) had a business where it was imperative that she be extremely punctual. It was part of her contract with her clients as if she was not punctual, it defeated the purpose of the service she was providing. She had to be on time or she simply could not operate her business.

So it was clearly not a matter of her not being able to judge how long it takes to get ready, how long it takes to get from point A to point B, etc. It had to be a matter of prioritizing. She chose to be on time for her work. She chose not to worry about being on time for social engagements. (And still continues to, by the way.)

As someone up thread mentioned, it was bad enough that she, herself, was late to things. But on top of that, she often made one or more of the rest of us late to things. To me, that was exponentially worse, and it was what led us ultimately, to figure out a solution which worked for us, namely, to quit putting ourselves into a situation where we were affected by her lateness.

So ok, I get that some people don't have a good sense of time. But if they are managing to get themselves to work (and/or other things that are high on their own list of priorities) on time, then I just don't buy that excuse.

I think only some chronically late people are that way because of a poor sense of time. Usually around this point someone finds one of those articles like, "The Six Reasons People are Always Late" and posts it. :) I only remember the poor sense of time/one last thing reason because it applies to people I know. If someone is always late, always sorry, but can't seem to change, maybe they just aren't trying to change the right thing. If they truly want to change, suggesting that they time things they do could be a step in the right direction.

However, if they manage to be on time for some things (like work) but not others (like friends), I agree that they have some strategy that they're choosing not to employ with friends. Which just goes back to the whole thing about being inconsiderate.
~Lynn2000

Winterlight

  • On the internet, no one can tell you're a dog- arf.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 10014
Re: Accepting an apology but not forgiving the transgression
« Reply #79 on: June 16, 2014, 03:58:03 PM »
I have two friends who are usually late for social things. I handle it by letting them do the driving, which sounds odd, but I'd much rather wait for them in the comfort of my own home where I can read or do things than stew at a metro or bus stop. OTOH, one is getting better. She actually got to my place on time last time we met, much to my surprise!

I also avoid doing time-sensitive things with them. It's too stressful, wondering if we're going to make the movie on time.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls