Author Topic: Protecting my husband. Update: Post 20, 22.  (Read 12544 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

poundcake

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1250
Re: Protecting my husband.
« Reply #15 on: March 19, 2014, 08:23:25 AM »
If speaking to his parents isn't an option, what about approaching his school? Is there a teacher you can contact? Chances are, they would understand if his parents aren't helpful. Then again, I think you need to at least try with them first instead of going on second-hand conjecture about what they might say or do. Then, if  that proves unhelpful, you have another step to take with RK's teachers.

Micah

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 568
Re: Protecting my husband.
« Reply #16 on: March 19, 2014, 06:19:22 PM »
I have a brother with Aspergers. One of the best things my parents did for him was drum into him a set of 'do's' and 'do nots' for social interactions. They always prefaced it with, "I know you don't understand WHY, but this is how it is." Before we went to different social functions they'd sit him down and say, "Right, so can you remember what we don't do/say/talk about?" Now, he sometimes still doesn't 'get it', but it's become rote behavior, so to speak. At home, you're free to be yourself. In public, there are certain things that you cannot do with making people feel bad/uncomfortable.

You could tell this boy straight up, "We will not discuss *these things*. We you see us in the street it is fine to say hello to us and the dog, but please don't follow us. You might not understand why, but those are our rules."

My brother, and his friends on the spectrum, just want to get along with people. They really mean no harm whatsoever and often become very upset and confused when people they thought were 'friends' sudden snap at them. They also don't 'get' subtle hints or 'leave me alone' body language. A polite, kind, but very firm black and white statement is what's needed.

It took my father a long time to understand that when my brother wanted something, ie tv time, that my father wanted, saying, "I was watching that and enjoying it, but if you really feel you have to you can watch it." PA, yes, but most people would understand that my father really meant that he'd rather not stop watching his program. To my brother it was permission to change the channel. Then he'd get upset when Dad reacted badly, because he didn't understand. "Not, now I'm watching this. You can have it after." Made brother wander off happily to do something else.
Mulder: "So...Lunch?"
Scully: "Mulder, toads just fell from the sky!"
Mulder: "Maybe their parachutes didn't open."

CrazyDaffodilLady

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1329
Re: Protecting my husband.
« Reply #17 on: March 19, 2014, 07:26:29 PM »
This reminds me of The Big Bang Theory when Leonard gives up trying to explain appropriate behavior to Sheldon and simply says, "It's a non-optional social convention".  Sheldon understands that. 
It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

cicero

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 17909
Re: Protecting my husband.
« Reply #18 on: March 20, 2014, 05:17:48 AM »
This reminds me of The Big Bang Theory when Leonard gives up trying to explain appropriate behavior to Sheldon and simply says, "It's a non-optional social convention".  Sheldon understands that.
I use that line on my son...

            Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools

Mental Magpie

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5561
  • ...for the dark side looks back.
Re: Protecting my husband.
« Reply #19 on: March 20, 2014, 11:17:23 AM »
There's nothing rude, or mean, about being blunt.

I think people forget that, because 99% of the time, it is kinder to 'soften' what you say to people.

If RK was a typical kid, you could ask him nicely to leave you alone, etc, but that won't work here. So, it's actually kinder (to everybody involved) to be blunt.

"RK, please don't follow us."
"RK, you need to go home."
"RK, don't make comments about DH's scars."


If this is a kid you actually know pretty well, you could consider adding to your 'in the moment' responses by being a little proactive, and having a little chat with him next time you spot him.

"RK, when you see me or DH, please don't follow us around. It's nice that you want to talk to us, but it's not polite to follow anybody. If we have time, we'll stop and talk to you, but if we don't come up to you, that means that we can't talk today. It's also not appropriate for you to come to our house any more. Please don't do that.

If we stop to talk to you, please don't make comments about DH's scars. It makes him feel bad."

Yes there is.  "Your hair looks like a rat's nest."  That is blunt, rude, and mean (when said randomly...it would be different if a close friend asked what her hair looked like and you (general) gave her an honest answer).  The key is to be blunt without being rude or mean.  Your suggestions that follow are a good example of that and I think they are appropriate for the situation.

The only thing I wouldn't do, OP, is to give RK all of these directions at once.  It may be too much and an overload for him.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Golden Phoenix

  • Firebird
  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 152
    • Matt's Menu
Re: Protecting my husband.
« Reply #20 on: March 21, 2014, 06:54:57 PM »
***UPDATE*** We saw RK today and he seemed a little more toned down than usual, i'm not sure if the shopkeeper (a friend of ours) may have said something to him.

However, i now have a much better idea of what's likely to help the situation without upsetting him. After all, this isn't his fault, but i have a duty to protect DH no matter what it takes.

I'll keep you all posted if there are any more developments.

VorFemme

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 13145
  • Strolls with scissors! Too tired to run today!
Re: Protecting my husband. Update: Pg.2
« Reply #21 on: March 21, 2014, 08:09:00 PM »
I've compared it to asking the tone deaf what they think about a given piece of music.

I have BIL who has perfect pitch (music teacher - duh!) but if he listens to a recording with you, he will pick out and mention every single note that is off in pitch or timing.

His mother quit listening to her expensive new album of Christmas music after the first time...on Christmas Eve, because he did this.  The second time around, all she could think about was the flat note here, the note that was a bit off in the timing there, and so forth...

If I could go back in time, I'd tell the college student that he was then that we just wanted to listen to the music in the background of dinner & conversation - not hear the "grading process" a teacher would give a student or the director might give after a rehearsal so that the next rendition would be "better".  This was the recording - the Mormon Tabernacle Choir was not going to do it over between one time we played the record & the next time it came up in the rotation.

Same thing with the kid (or Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory) - you give them a simple rule to remember and then you make them stick to it.  No talking about X to us because we don't want to talk about X - so if you mention it, we leave.  If you want to encourage him a bit, you could add that "We do like talking about D so if you'd like to talk about D, we wouldn't mind that".  Then stick around a little longer when he is talking about appropriate subjects...

Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

Golden Phoenix

  • Firebird
  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 152
    • Matt's Menu
Re: Protecting my husband. Update: Post 20, 22.
« Reply #22 on: April 21, 2014, 05:36:41 PM »
Things were going ok for a while, we were talking nicely to RK, mostly about superficial things and firmly ending the conversation with a "We have to go now, see you later"

Then RK decided to set up a dog walking service during the school holidays and approached us to ask if we would like Mop walked for 4 an hour.

We said we would think about it. (and we really did think about it, sometimes we can't walk him quite as much as we'd like because of the various things going on)

We saw him about three days later and he offered to do it for 2 an hour.

We told him we'd thought about it and we didn't think we'd like to go for it for a few reasons, but we'd let him know if we changed our minds.

Then he turned up at our door and asked if we'd changed our minds, and he'd do it for 1 an hour.

*sigh*

Cue another bad day.

Thing is, he obviously loves the dog and would like to spend time with him, but Mop is a rescue with an abusive past and has some behavioural issues. We know him and can handle them but Rk doesn't and i'm worried about what could happen.

Since I shut him down that time we haven't seen him but I'm mentally preparing for another round.

I think I need to be firmer.

bopper

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12466
Re: Protecting my husband. Update: Post 20, 22.
« Reply #23 on: April 22, 2014, 09:46:15 AM »
Indeed, you need to be firmer.

"No, we don't need you to walk our dog."

Mikayla

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4070
Re: Protecting my husband. Update: Post 20, 22.
« Reply #24 on: April 22, 2014, 02:09:41 PM »
Definitely be more firm on your dog.  What's likely to come next is "I'm bored - can I take your dog for a walk?"  You need to firmly explain nobody walks your dog but you.  The dog's history makes this even more imperative, but you wouldn't want to go there.  Just explain some people don't like others walking their dog, even when it's free.


Curly Wurly Doggie Breath

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3414
  • Aussie's Rule
Re: Protecting my husband. Update: Post 20, 22.
« Reply #25 on: June 23, 2014, 07:47:38 AM »
Time to say -NO to the boy.

no JADE ing, just NO

                          The Southern Cross Flag. Australia

omjulie

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 45
Re: Protecting my husband. Update: Post 20, 22.
« Reply #26 on: June 23, 2014, 11:57:06 AM »
I'm sure you caught this, but your real downfall here was saying "but we'll think about it" and "but we'll let you know." If the answer is no, then you need to leave it at a simple, clear "no." If you give any indication that the answer could possibly change later, then he takes that at face value and decides to check in to see if the answer has changed. After all - you said it might!

If you have trouble getting yourself to be blunt, just think of it as being clear. RK is very, very literal in his interpretations of things you say, which means you can't muddy up your statements with anything you don't 100% mean, or that you don't want him following up on later.

Edit: Just realized this was an oldish topic. Sorry!