No updates for those who don't RSVP?

[LETitbe]

So, this came up for a party that I threw last weekend, and I was wondering if I was being rude or not.

I was throwing a children's party for my son's 5th birthday. We sent out invitations well in advance, with both my husband's and my phone number listed for RSVP. Everyone invited also has our email addresses.

The party was supposed to be an outdoor party, but, as we had heavy rain and hail this week, we decided to reschedule it to an indoor venue. We contacted everyone who had RSVP'd to let them know the venue was changed. The day of, it was pouring rain, and I can't imagine anyone would think we were having it at the park. My mom, however, thought it was strange of us not to contact every person on the invitation or send someone to the park to make sure no one showed up there mistakenly. I disagreed, as they should have RSVP'd, or at the very least contacted us to verify the venue, seeing as we'd had horrible weather all week. Many of the invitees were my son's classmates, and it seemed strange to send out a mass email about it when most of them probably weren't planning on coming (he's in preschool, and generally only one or two classmates show up at parties).

So, what say you, was I rude??

[gramma dishes]

No point in informing someone who does not plan to attend a party that there has been a change of venue.

I am curious though.   

[kudeebee]

No, you were not rude.  You informed the people who let you know they/their children were coming to the party of the change in venue.  You were not obligated to inform those who did not reply.  They only way I could see having someone at the park would be if you could not get hold of everyone who had rsvp'd yes. 

[Xandraea]

Agreed, not rude. You informed those who you expected to show up about the change in venue, and those who didn't RSVP weren't coming, so didn't need to know, right? I can't imagine standing in the rain at the park on the off-chance someone may show up thinking the party is there. Hopefully anyone who looked outside that day would have figured out there may be a change!

[m2kbug]

There's no reason to alert people who weren't planning to show up.  I agree with the above, the only reason to leave someone at the park was if you were unable to get in touch with some of the people that RSVP'd, but beyond that, there's no need.  I can't imagine sending someone to the park on the off chance one of those non-RSVP'ers were planning on attending.  Where I live, this is a likely scenario and frustrating, but even with that in mind, I wouldn't go to any extra lengths to alert people who can't be bothered to pick up a phone and let me know if they plan on being at the party or not.  You have no way of knowing who these people are and I think it would be strange to call up everyone on the list.  "You never RSVP'd, but just to let you know, the party is at XX instead because of the weather."  

[lowspark]

Total POD to PPs. No need to inform people who did not reply that they were coming. In my opinion, it's pretty rude to show up without replying first, assuming a reply was requested in the invitation. If they can't be bothered to send you a quick email or call or text you, why should you be bothered about keeping them up to date on the details of the party?

And "send[ing] someone to the park to make sure no one showed up there mistakenly"? Oh, eHell no. I sure as heck wouldn't want to be that person, sitting alone, trying to keep dry, on the off chance that someone who was to rude enough to show up without replying would actually show up. Would you?

[DaDancingPsych]

Agree... need to only inform those coming. This is one of the reasons that we RSVP... so that we can be added to the "need to know" list. Anyone who planned to attend without RSVPing faced the natural consequences. Maybe next time they will give the host a call.

[Aquamarine]

Updating those who do not RSVP is just giving a little more credence to the thought that RSVPing doesn't really matter. 

If you don't RSVP then people think you aren't coming to an event and if you're not coming to an event why should there be further communication about it?  People need to understand this and if they choose to learn things the hard way by not responding to invitations then so be it.

I am of the belief that people who do not RSVP should be considered as no shows and if that means they are turned away at the door that is acceptable.  Hostesses should not feel obligated to chase people down and ask if they are coming or not, which once again tells people that not RSVPing is OK because the hostess will still check with them anyway.

[QueenfaninCA]

Before deciding if this was rude or not, I would need to know if the change was communicated after the RSVP date. If yes, I think it was fine.

However, if people still had time to reply, I think it is rude to not let everyone know. People might have a legitimate reason holding off replying if it was still before the deadline.

[sammycat]

I agree that there is no need to alert the non-RSVPers to the change of venue.

If they're rude enough to turn up anyway without RSVPing and they find that the original venue is empty, then too bad, so sad. Maybe they'll actually RSVP next time.

The only caveat I have is that is there a possibility that someone did actually RSVP but for some reason the host didn't receive it? Eg. RSVP may have got lost in the mail, invited child didn't pass on RSVP to the birthday child at school etc. But, I guess in that situation, the guest could call the host and ask where they are if they turn up to an empty park.

[acicularis]

I'd been wondering about a similar issue. We're planning a pool party for my daughter tomorrow, and the weather has been iffy. The invitation said to call us if the weather is bad, because we may do a movie outing instead. And I will probably just go ahead and call anyone who had RSVP'd if I don't hear from them tomorrow morning.

As far as the people who haven't RSVP'd, part of me wants to say "Heck with them, why should I bend over backwards to let them know what's going on if they couldn't be bothered to call or email to say if they're coming?" Another part worries about disappointing girls who may show up at the pool anyway and find us not there.

Since I have to go to the pool anyway today, to take one of the girls to dive team practice, I'll probably just make sure the office has my cell number to give out to anyone who shows up tomorrow if we don't. But I'm not going to be making any extra phone calls.

[m2kbug]

I'd been wondering about a similar issue. We're planning a pool party for my daughter tomorrow, and the weather has been iffy. The invitation said to call us if the weather is bad, because we may do a movie outing instead. And I will probably just go ahead and call anyone who had RSVP'd if I don't hear from them tomorrow morning.

As far as the people who haven't RSVP'd, part of me wants to say "Heck with them, why should I bend over backwards to let them know what's going on if they couldn't be bothered to call or email to say if they're coming?" Another part worries about disappointing girls who may show up at the pool anyway and find us not there.

Since I have to go to the pool anyway today, to take one of the girls to dive team practice, I'll probably just make sure the office has my cell number to give out to anyone who shows up tomorrow if we don't. But I'm not going to be making any extra phone calls.

This could be your "teaching moment" with your daughter.  You can tell her your plan and explain the importance of RSVP, if she doesn't already know.  When any of her friends say that they showed up at the pool and no one was there, she can explain that Mom called people who RSVP'd about the change of plans.  People who didn't RSVP were assumed to not be coming, so they weren't told.  Her friend will learn something about RSVP and your daughter will have knowledge to explain what happened.  Depending on how old your DD is, I imagine (if still in school or in contact with friends) she already knows who's coming and who's not and will probably talk to her friends about the change in venue anyway. 

I think you have a good plan.  Without necessarily bending to the non-RSVPers, or calling people that aren't coming anyway, you're also trying to not completely destroy their expectations because their parent's mistake.  Weather permitting, this will be a non-issue anyway. 

[acicularis]

So, our party was today, with iffy weather. After consulting with my daughter, we decided to go ahead with the pool party instead of the movie outing. The weather wasn't ideal (chilly and overcast), but there was no risk of thunderstorms. I was rather amused to get a call from one mom who had not RSVP'd, checking to see if plans had changed.      I managed not to say anything snarky, and just tell her I was glad her daughter would be able to make it, and that we'd still be at the pool as planned.    (And I am glad her daughter could come, because she is a nice kid and my daughter likes her a lot)

Despite the less than ideal weather, the girls all had a great time. No one wanted to go home when their parents came to pick them up, which I think was a good sign!

[zyrs]

So, our party was today, with iffy weather. After consulting with my daughter, we decided to go ahead with the pool party instead of the movie outing. The weather wasn't ideal (chilly and overcast), but there was no risk of thunderstorms. I was rather amused to get a call from one mom who had not RSVP'd, checking to see if plans had changed.      I managed not to say anything snarky, and just tell her I was glad her daughter would be able to make it, and that we'd still be at the pool as planned.    (And I am glad her daughter could come, because she is a nice kid and my daughter likes her a lot)

Despite the less than ideal weather, the girls all had a great time. No one wanted to go home when their parents came to pick them up, which I think was a good sign!

Great update - glad everyone had fun

[Danika]

I agree with the others that there's no need to call people who couldn't take the time to RSVP to update them with news.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago, and the only reason that I did call the non RSVPers was because they were family members and I figured I'd have to deal with them again in the future if there was any fallout.

I had put together an event for all the cousins to get together. I specifically planned it in a city one hour away from most of us in order to accommodate two cousins who are known for not showing up to things unless it's convenient for them. All of the rest of us were going to travel to their city to see them.

They said a gathering like I described sounded great, but when we made the detailed plans, they did not confirm the date or location. I even emailed a second time to ask and got silence as a response.

So then I thought it would be illogical for those of us who did RSVP, who all lived near each other, to drive an hour away to accommodate people who never RSVPed and probably wouldn't show up.

I wrote to those who RSVPed and said "Since we haven't heard from the others, let's just get together in our city instead."

And I really wanted to not email anyone else and say "Since you didn't have the courtesy to RSVP, we assume you are not coming, so we will no longer be accommodating you and getting together in your city. We've moved it to our city."

But I figured that on the off chance one of them would show up without RSVPing, I should tell them that we'd moved the location to the city of all of those who had RSVPed yes. So I did. Of course, none of us heard back from them saying anything about that and they never showed up at the gathering.