Author Topic: "No offence, but..."  (Read 6933 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

guihong

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6551
Re: "No offence, but..."
« Reply #15 on: June 18, 2014, 10:46:57 AM »
Once, at a restaurant, a woman came up to my 13 year old DD and told her she looked just like Drew Barrymore (she did).  DD smiled, but had no clue who Drew was until we got home and I pulled up her image. 

If I were a man and compared to Steve Buscemi, I'd be at a loss because I don't know who that is.  That's another pratfall of mentioning some celebrity-what are you supposed to say if you've never heard of them?
« Last Edit: June 18, 2014, 10:48:29 AM by guihong »



Morticia

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1625
    • Stepmonster's Travels
Re: "No offence, but..."
« Reply #16 on: June 18, 2014, 10:47:27 AM »
Would a big smile, with the words, "This never ends well" be acceptable? 
Now our mom says she's changed her mind about the devil's brood, they may be evil so she thinks, but at least they're never rude...
                                        -- Big Rude Jake

My travel blog: http://www.stepmonster.ca

SamiHami

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3267
  • No! Iz mai catnip! You no can haz! YOU NO CAN HAZ!
Re: "No offence, but..."
« Reply #17 on: June 18, 2014, 10:50:45 AM »
This thread reminds me of the time I told someone he looked like Steve Buscemi...it did not go over well. Oh, or the other time I mentioned to a guy that he looked like Philip Seymour Hoffman. I did not and do not consider it an insult. Just because they don't look like Tom Cruise (or whatever conventionally attractive celeb) doesn't mean they don't have something attractive about them. They are celebrities who appeared in numerous productions - they have "juice" or charisma or whatever. I would recommend taking it in the spirit in which it was offered, which is almost always positive.

I see it as pointless. If you notice that someone resembles a celebrity, this person has undoubtedly already had that pointed out to them by others. It's kind of like pointing out to a very tall person that they are tall. People would rather be recognized for themselves, not because they resemble someone else. For all you know, they may dislike said celebrity and consider in an insult (as in your own examples).

If someone told me I looked like a celebrity, I would tell them that no, I don't. I look like me.




What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6131
Re: "No offence, but..."
« Reply #18 on: June 18, 2014, 10:50:50 AM »
Would a big smile, with the words, "This never ends well" be acceptable?

I think that is perfect!

Eden

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 611
Re: "No offence, but..."
« Reply #19 on: June 18, 2014, 11:06:54 AM »
No way to prevent it, but I'd suggest just a simple non-commital acknowledgement and changing of the subject. I think silence or a response that shows you were hurt really isn't fair. The people who say this are not being rude. They're making an observation. Whether you find it a favorable comparison isn't the point, assuming the person isn't a highly polarizing, controversial figure.

Why? If you really were hurt by it, why is it wrong to let the person know? They might think twice before doing it to the next person.

Just because they didn't intend to be rude doesn't mean they can't be. I would be insulted if someone told me I looked just like James Earl Jones and would let them know.

Just because someone is insulted by something doesn't automatically make it rude. I suppose there are obviously offensive comparisons but in many cases it's probably just a matter of opinion. My one friend gets told she looks like Molly Ringwald and it's a source of pride for her. If someone told me I looked like her I'd be less than flattered. But that doesn't make the person saying it rude.

As far as telling someone you're hurt by it, I'd say it depends on your relationship with the person. If it were someone I was closer with I might say, "I find that a little offensive." but for the random acquaintance or stranger I don't see the point.

TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6131
Re: "No offence, but..."
« Reply #20 on: June 18, 2014, 11:11:01 AM »
No way to prevent it, but I'd suggest just a simple non-commital acknowledgement and changing of the subject. I think silence or a response that shows you were hurt really isn't fair. The people who say this are not being rude. They're making an observation. Whether you find it a favorable comparison isn't the point, assuming the person isn't a highly polarizing, controversial figure.

Why? If you really were hurt by it, why is it wrong to let the person know? They might think twice before doing it to the next person.

Just because they didn't intend to be rude doesn't mean they can't be. I would be insulted if someone told me I looked just like James Earl Jones and would let them know.

Just because someone is insulted by something doesn't automatically make it rude. I suppose there are obviously offensive comparisons but in many cases it's probably just a matter of opinion. My one friend gets told she looks like Molly Ringwald and it's a source of pride for her. If someone told me I looked like her I'd be less than flattered. But that doesn't make the person saying it rude.

As far as telling someone you're hurt by it, I'd say it depends on your relationship with the person. If it were someone I was closer with I might say, "I find that a little offensive." but for the random acquaintance or stranger I don't see the point.

I agree with Eden.  Generally speaking, when I hear about or witness someone becoming actively offended over situations that were genuinely not intended that way, and responding angrily or with the often ehell mentioned "stony glare" or "stony silence," I don't think, "wow, the person was rude and the poster really showed them!"  Instead I think, "wow, the poster was rude - there was no reason to react in that way."  There are positive ways to express to those who are close to you that you have been hurt by something they did or said - stony silence or passive aggressive or outright aggressive responses are not appropriate in my opinion.  Calm discussion would be.  And for people you are not likely to encounter again?  Who cares what they think.  Don't waste your time and energy being upset.  Assume they meant well and move on.  If you feel you need to address that they hurt you, do it calmly and directly: "I know you probably meant well, but that comparison hurt my feelings! Anyway, have a great day!"
« Last Edit: June 18, 2014, 11:15:13 AM by TurtleDove »

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30832
Re: "No offence, but..."
« Reply #21 on: June 18, 2014, 11:12:36 AM »
I can see the title of the thread was confusing. Apologies. The people don't start with "No offence, but". I was drawing a parallel between that phrase and "Do you know who you look like".

Both of them, in my experience, mean "Brace yourself! An insult is coming."


Them: "Do you know who you look like?"
You: "please don't tell me." Walk away

If it's someone you know and like a little, soften it. Say, "That never ends well, please don't go there."

Or, "I look like me--I really don't enjoy those sorts of 'who do you look like' comparisons."

But I guarantee you, they will say it anyway--it will just force its way out of their mouth. They're on autopilot, in the groove, started down the hill already.


poundcake

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1154
Re: "No offence, but..."
« Reply #22 on: June 18, 2014, 11:14:09 AM »
Would a big smile, with the words, "This never ends well" be acceptable?

I like this, too! Much like the Tonya Harding look-alike mentioned, I looked like a much-hated celebrity back in the day, and used to get people telling me so frequently. I would usually respond to "Do you know who you look like?" with a resigned "Yes, I do, all too well."

Daydream

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 290
Re: "No offence, but..."
« Reply #23 on: June 18, 2014, 11:16:05 AM »
Would a big smile, with the words, "This never ends well" be acceptable?

This is what I was going to suggest, too, maybe with a laugh and some bean dip.   "Oh, this never ends well, haha! Let's talk about (pleasant thing)!"

Zizi-K

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 741
Re: "No offence, but..."
« Reply #24 on: June 18, 2014, 11:21:07 AM »
Once, at a restaurant, a woman came up to my 13 year old DD and told her she looked just like Drew Barrymore (she did).  DD smiled, but had no clue who Drew was until we got home and I pulled up her image. 

If I were a man and compared to Steve Buscemi, I'd be at a loss because I don't know who that is.  That's another pratfall of mentioning some celebrity-what are you supposed to say if you've never heard of them?

Well, you could say, "Oh, I've never heard of him/her. But thanks! S/he must be very attractive." That's what I would say, anyway. Or, if you're not the joking type, you could just say, "Hmm, not familiar..."

mspallaton

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 237
Re: "No offence, but..."
« Reply #25 on: June 18, 2014, 12:19:47 PM »
This thread reminds me of the time I told someone he looked like Steve Buscemi...it did not go over well. Oh, or the other time I mentioned to a guy that he looked like Philip Seymour Hoffman. I did not and do not consider it an insult. Just because they don't look like Tom Cruise (or whatever conventionally attractive celeb) doesn't mean they don't have something attractive about them. They are celebrities who appeared in numerous productions - they have "juice" or charisma or whatever. I would recommend taking it in the spirit in which it was offered, which is almost always positive.

I have not ever met a person who would be flattered or pleased with being compared to Steve Buscemi or Philip Seymour Hoffman on looks.  Those two actors are beyond simply 'not conventionally attractive' and your contention that it has to do with their vitality makes no difference.

In fact, while you've said you mean it positively, my experience with celebrity comparisons has been the opposite -- in almost every instance that I've witnessed a person being compared to a non-attractive celebrity, it was obvious from the body language and tone of the person doing the comparing that it was intended as a passive-aggressive statement.  In some cases (having been a high school girl at one point in my life) I witnessed the actual and specific statement once the target was out of earshot that it was 'sooo funny' how her face looked.  People can be terribly mean sometimes.

Moreover, however it was intended, the OP finds it insulting and upsetting and she is well within her right to feel that way.  Others have provided great advice so I will refrain from parroting them, but I wanted to point out, specifically and with all due respect, that the idea of 'take it as it was intended' is a recipe for disaster.  It the OP is legitimately upset, it will only lead to resentment and hurt feelings down the line.  There is another thread where a poster described snapping off at a mean relative -- I would hate for the OP to venture into the realm of actual rudeness because she suppressed her true feelings about a comment.

TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6131
Re: "No offence, but..."
« Reply #26 on: June 18, 2014, 12:25:56 PM »
Moreover, however it was intended, the OP finds it insulting and upsetting and she is well within her right to feel that way.  Others have provided great advice so I will refrain from parroting them, but I wanted to point out, specifically and with all due respect, that the idea of 'take it as it was intended' is a recipe for disaster.  It the OP is legitimately upset, it will only lead to resentment and hurt feelings down the line.  There is another thread where a poster described snapping off at a mean relative -- I would hate for the OP to venture into the realm of actual rudeness because she suppressed her true feelings about a comment.

I think you are misunderstanding some of the advice.  The OP can be upset, and can express to whomever that what they said upset her.  My advice was to approach it in a productive way rather than aggressively accuse someone of being malicious when it is quite probable they did not intend anything other than social banter.  Laugh it off, if possible, or say, "Oh, goodness, well, I am sure you meant well but that hurt my feelings," rather than going on the attack.

acicularis

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 389
Re: "No offence, but..."
« Reply #27 on: June 18, 2014, 12:56:13 PM »
I feel your pain, OP.

When I was 13 someone told me I looked like a young Barbara Streisand. I responded by bursting into tears.

Now they tell me I look like someone else.  ::)

We must be twins.  :)  I was younger than 13 at the time. I didn't burst into tears; but my indignant denials were apparently so funny they kept telling me I looked "exactly" like Barbra Streisand.

mspallaton

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 237
Re: "No offence, but..."
« Reply #28 on: June 18, 2014, 01:00:30 PM »
Moreover, however it was intended, the OP finds it insulting and upsetting and she is well within her right to feel that way.  Others have provided great advice so I will refrain from parroting them, but I wanted to point out, specifically and with all due respect, that the idea of 'take it as it was intended' is a recipe for disaster.  It the OP is legitimately upset, it will only lead to resentment and hurt feelings down the line.  There is another thread where a poster described snapping off at a mean relative -- I would hate for the OP to venture into the realm of actual rudeness because she suppressed her true feelings about a comment.

I think you are misunderstanding some of the advice.  The OP can be upset, and can express to whomever that what they said upset her.  My advice was to approach it in a productive way rather than aggressively accuse someone of being malicious when it is quite probable they did not intend anything other than social banter.  Laugh it off, if possible, or say, "Oh, goodness, well, I am sure you meant well but that hurt my feelings," rather than going on the attack.

TurtleDove -- I hadn't read your advice.  I was responding to ZiZi-K whose advice was "take it in the spirit in which it was offered".    I also pointed out that others had offered great advice for how to approach the situation in the moment -- I include your advice in that blanket statement because you didn't say anything that would indicate to the OP that she couldn't or shouldn't feel how she does -- but rather that it can be dealt with positively rather than aggressively.

I think we must've just gotten some wires crossed :-)

JeanFromBNA

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2295
Re: "No offence, but..."
« Reply #29 on: June 18, 2014, 01:20:45 PM »
"That's funny.   I was just going to say the  same thing about you. "