Author Topic: The self-invitation  (Read 2741 times)

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peaches

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Re: The self-invitation
« Reply #15 on: June 26, 2014, 10:34:14 AM »
I'm trying to figure out why the hosts never noticed that OP and her DH weren't at any of the events, when they had come from out of town for the wedding.

I'd think they - or someone - would have figured out that cousins Jane and Joe weren't at the first event and investigated. Are they ill? Did they arrive as expected? Did they get the welcome bag? It just seems very odd to me.

I don't think OP and DH should have been expected to invite themselves. I do think the hosts were remiss in not giving better notification of the activities and/or not noticing the absence of these relatives at key events.

IMO DH shouldn't have blurted out his unhappiness about the wedding arrangements. And relative certainly shouldn't have chastised you all.

A very awkward situation. It sounds more like poor planning than rudeness, though.

amylouky

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Re: The self-invitation
« Reply #16 on: June 26, 2014, 04:03:41 PM »
We had something similar happen to us. We did not receive the welcome bag with the weekend agenda for a family wedding.

But our scenario played out like this:
Cousin: "See you at lunch tomorrow"
Me: "Oh, I don't know about a lunch tomorrow"
Cousin: "It's on the agenda in the welcome bag, didn't you see it?"
Me: 'No, we didn't get a welcome bag.'
Cousin: "Call the front desk, they must have forgotten to deliver yours"

I'm having a hard time imagining a full weekend of all the events you described without there ever being clarification. I agree with esposita that it wouldn't occur to them that you weren't getting the invites but that you guys just didn't want to participate.

Yes, they should have apologized that you didn't receive the info. But my response to your DH probably would have been "Gosh, I am so sorry. But why didn't you say something during the weekend?"

I agree with this. I think if you and DH had just said, "What dinner?" it could all have been resolved the first day. I understand that you didn't want to seem rude or invite  yourself, but I think your other relatives assuming that you would be there should have clued you in that there was some miscommunication somewhere.

omjulie

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Re: The self-invitation
« Reply #17 on: June 26, 2014, 05:56:48 PM »
But if it were common in a family for members to all stay at each others houses, and one branch of the family doesn't do that and doesnt explain why, the rest of the family might be confused and the OP might come across as standoffish. Then, when OP doesn't show up to several events at a wedding, the first assumption would probably be "Oh, well its probably the same reason they won't stay with us when they are in town, they just like to keep to themselves." Not, "Maybe they didn't get the invitation."

I can definitely see this happening. I also don't think it's particularly rude for family (or even very close friends) to invite themselves over for visits, though. It'll depend on the family culture, of course, but if I were visiting a town where a family member lived I wouldn't find it at all strange to ask to stay with them. Assuming I can stay or insisting on staying regardless of their feelings or plans would be rude, but asking seems fine. That's very common in my family as well as the families of most of my friends. If that's not something OP is comfortable with, that's of course fine, but OP should maybe explain that so as to avoid misunderstandings.

Inviting oneself along to a planned event is a different matter, though again if it seemed like everyone in my "category" (level of closeness to the host, group of friends, etc.) were invited and I seemed like the odd one out, I would do a little investigation. Which, as other posters have said, could easily take the form of, "What dinner? I hadn't heard anything." There are many situations in which that kind of inquiry would be awkward, but in the case where it really doesn't make much sense for you to not be invited, it's warranted IMO.

Right now OP seems to be in the position of rebelling against a larger family culture on principle, which I personally don't quite understand. I see etiquette as more of a general standard - something people can lean on to prevent misunderstandings and guide conduct. It makes sense for that to relax when around people who are close enough not to "need" it as much.