News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • September 25, 2017, 09:01:12 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: When everything you say is an "insult".  (Read 12749 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Ceallach

  • Member
  • Posts: 4490
    • This Is It
Re: When everything you say is an "insult".
« Reply #60 on: July 02, 2014, 02:07:04 AM »
With people who are genuinely reading something negative into an innocuous statement I find turning the tables on them is effective.  e.g. responding emotionally and sadly.   Something along the lines of:   "Why would you think I would do/think/say something so horrible?  I'm so sad that you think I would do that! I thought we were good friends you know as your friend I'd never be so hurtful" ... accompanied by genuine sorrowful face and tone.     Yes it's PA, but it can be surprisingly effective and can have them scrambling to apologise to you!    I've used this on my mother as behaviour modification and she's really turned around in the past few years.   She used to be horribly PA and manipulative/negative, now she knows we won't just ignore it or feed the drama, we'll actually address it, and so it loses it's power.

I probably wouldn't bother trying with a friend as described in the OP though - I would lose all respect for them and have no interest in continuing the friendship!
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"


Surianne

  • Member
  • Posts: 11598
    • Prince ShimmerShine Moondream's Blogging Adventure
Re: When everything you say is an "insult".
« Reply #61 on: July 02, 2014, 12:35:50 PM »
Hah, well you guys made me feel a lot better re: the "compliments" from my coworker.  I was worried I was one of the people in this thread who overreacted, but maybe she's just a bit of a jerk  ;)   Nowadays rather than getting offended I tend to do with a bored and distracted "Oh yeah?"

lilfox

  • Member
  • Posts: 2362
Re: When everything you say is an "insult".
« Reply #62 on: July 02, 2014, 01:27:05 PM »
Hah, well you guys made me feel a lot better re: the "compliments" from my coworker.  I was worried I was one of the people in this thread who overreacted, but maybe she's just a bit of a jerk  ;)   Nowadays rather than getting offended I tend to do with a bored and distracted "Oh yeah?"

Actually I think that's the best response, indicating complete disinterest in the opinions.   :)

With people who are genuinely reading something negative into an innocuous statement I find turning the tables on them is effective.  e.g. responding emotionally and sadly.   Something along the lines of:   "Why would you think I would do/think/say something so horrible?  I'm so sad that you think I would do that! I thought we were good friends you know as your friend I'd never be so hurtful" ... accompanied by genuine sorrowful face and tone.     Yes it's PA, but it can be surprisingly effective and can have them scrambling to apologise to you!    I've used this on my mother as behaviour modification and she's really turned around in the past few years.   She used to be horribly PA and manipulative/negative, now she knows we won't just ignore it or feed the drama, we'll actually address it, and so it loses it's power.

I've used this approach before but sometimes it's hard to disengage from what's being said long enough to recognize its unfairness and respond to that and not the content.  An example is when a relative strongly implied that I was wronging them in several specific situations.  That was so far from being true, not to mention extremely hurtful, that it took me a long time to process and recognize that what was most wrong about it wasn't the thing the relative was accusing me of, but that they clearly thought me capable of doing something that horrible.  I eventually told them that if they honestly believed I was such a bad person, then it made me very sad but that's their issue and there was nothing I could (or would) do to convince them otherwise.  (IOW, I was not about to beg and scrape and atone for these invented wrongdoings)

DanaJ

  • Member
  • Posts: 1205
Re: When everything you say is an "insult".
« Reply #63 on: July 02, 2014, 04:16:48 PM »
With people who are genuinely reading something negative into an innocuous statement I find turning the tables on them is effective.  e.g. responding emotionally and sadly.   Something along the lines of:   "Why would you think I would do/think/say something so horrible?  I'm so sad that you think I would do that! I thought we were good friends you know as your friend I'd never be so hurtful" ... accompanied by genuine sorrowful face and tone.     

That sounds like an excellent approach! Sadly, my former friend never said a word to anyone about how innocuous comments were hurting her feelings. So by the time I got "dumped" it was after she had silently put up with imagined slights for years, with her (irrational) feelings building and building.

She was an odd duck that one. I suspect she could have saved herself a lot of grief from a lot of sources if she had asked any number of individuals to clarify their intentions.

Copper Horsewoman

  • Member
  • Posts: 144
Re: When everything you say is an "insult".
« Reply #64 on: July 03, 2014, 06:56:48 PM »
I hate folks who love to put words in your mouth like this.

I was once at the end of my rope with such a person, and so very done that I interrupted her mid flow to say:
 "You know what? You're doing well enough at having this argument for both of us that I don't even need to be here. I'm going to get a coke, you can tell me what I said later."

And I walked away. Not my proudest moment, but I'd dealt with a lot of grief from this "friend" and I was finished.

Can't blame you.  If that was said in a reasonable tone, and not snarkily, I think you did the only thing possible to save your sanity.