Author Topic: See you maybe?  (Read 5984 times)

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spookycatlady

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See you maybe?
« on: June 26, 2014, 09:22:38 AM »
I'm dipping a toe back into the dating world.  I have zero expectations and I'm not actively looking for Mr. Right, but I just wanted to see what's out there.

After a couple of emails with a gentleman, he asked me out for coffee/dinner.  I said, "Coffee on Sunday?"

To which he responded, "I might be going out of town that day, but it should be okay."

This hit me the wrong way, but since I'm still quite unsure about myself after the disintegration of my marriage, I don't know if my annoyance was reasonable.  I responded, "How about you pick a day later in the week that you can commit to and if it fits my calendar, we're on?"

He started negotiating, "Let's say Sunday and I can confirm on Friday, unless you need a week's notice :)"

That *really* hit me the wrong way.  A friend told me that I was definitely reacting because of my emotional baggage.  I did a lot of compromising and bending in my marriage in an effort to keep the peace and I just don't want to do that anymore.

I did agree to the tentative plans, but my instinctual response to his negotiation was that it was rude... but again, I don't trust my own reactions.


gramma dishes

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2014, 09:33:08 AM »
 

Trust your instincts, but try really hard not to immediately jump to the worst possible scenario. 

I think if I were you, I'd go ahead with the Sunday coffee thing and see how it goes.  If he cancels last minute then you know that coffee with you may not be high on his list of priorities.  But on the other hand, he may just be overly cautious and not want to come across as too eager.  Maybe he's also been stung before and isn't quite sure how to go about meeting someone new. Nervousness on both your parts!

Once you've actually met the guy (if you do) you'll probably be able to decide quickly whether this is someone you'd like to see again or someone worth exactly the number of minutes it takes to drink one cup of coffee.   ;D

lady_disdain

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2014, 09:36:52 AM »
You hit on one of the things that drive me completely nuts: people who just don't commit to a date. Yeah, it may be a good idea but let's keep things flexible. Unfortunately, it is getting very common. My sister does this all the time and so do some of my friends.

If you think the guy is nice, go with it. However, if he isn't firm, I wouldn't be firm either. So if a friend calls unexpectedly or I decide to go on a longer than usual walk, I wouldn't bother too much.

Alicia

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2014, 09:40:57 AM »
Honestly this is not uncommon in online dating these days

Another Sarah

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2014, 10:18:19 AM »
That sort of thing annoys me too, but I'd give him till Friday to firm up plans, it sounds like he has a prior commitment that is equally flaky - possibly through no fault of his own.
The reply would have set me off rather than the original message, there's nothing wrong with getting a solid day in the book and it has a slightly condescending tone to it. I'd take Gramma Dishes' advice - see how it goes and at the very least you'll have a  nice cup of coffee!

Kaymar

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2014, 10:27:24 AM »
That sort of thing annoys me too, but I'd give him till Friday to firm up plans, it sounds like he has a prior commitment that is equally flaky - possibly through no fault of his own.
The reply would have set me off rather than the original message, there's nothing wrong with getting a solid day in the book and it has a slightly condescending tone to it. I'd take Gramma Dishes' advice - see how it goes and at the very least you'll have a  nice cup of coffee!

Yeah, the tone of the reply bugged me too.  Spooky asking nicely if he wanted to pick another day when he knew he was free is totally reasonable.  That said. maybe he was trying to joke around and just missed the mark (text/tone issues).  I'd go into the coffee, presuming it takes place, with an open mind and see how it goes.

rashea

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #6 on: June 26, 2014, 11:05:36 AM »
Wish he'd said, "Sounds great, can I wait to confirm until Friday, because I have something that might come up, but I don't want to miss the chance to meet you."
"Manners change, principles don't. It's about treating people with consideration, respect and honesty." Peter Post

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JenJay

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #7 on: June 26, 2014, 11:19:44 AM »
It reads to me like he really wants to meet you on Sunday but there's a slight chance he won't be able to, so he doesn't want to agree and then have to cancel. He'll know by Friday if he can commit or not, so can he let you know then? I don't see anything wrong. It definitely could have been said better, but then again maybe he's trying not to come across too eager and scare you off?

He's not making you compromise, nobody can do that, he's just being honest about possibly having a scheduling conflict. You can always say "Friday evening won't be enough notice for me, my weekends have been pretty full lately. When are you available next week? I could meet you (2-3 options)." Then he chooses one of the times you offered, and off you go.

Twik

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #8 on: June 26, 2014, 01:26:36 PM »
To be honest, it sounds like a guy who is pretty worried about committing to anything as serious as a *for sure date on Sunday*. However, that can cover a range from "I wanna wait and see if my date with that supermodel comes off" versus "yikes, date with a nice woman! I'm so nervous!"

Give him a chance  but watch out for signs of not being that into you.
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bah12

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #9 on: June 26, 2014, 02:19:58 PM »
I think there are a couple of things going on.

The first is that you are dipping your toes into the dating world after some pretty dramatic relationship stuff and that is carrying over into how you are responding to and interacting with these potential future dates.
There's nothing wrong with being cautious given where you are and I think that looking for red flags of behavior that you don't want to compromise on is healthy.

Secondly, there's him.  It sounds to me that he is interested in meeting with you on Sunday and wants to meet with you on Sunday, but has some tentative thing that might preclude it from happening.  Instead of totally committing to it, he's kind of putting out the warning that even though it probably will work, it might not.  The problem is that I don't think he's communicating that well.  It would be nice if he said something along the lines of "I would love to meet you on Sunday for coffee.  It's possible that I might have to leave town for work on Sunday afternoon. I won't know until Friday. Chances are slim that this would interfere with our date, but can I confirm on Friday and if it doesn't work out for some reason, is Wednesday a good back up date?"

So, yes, in part I think you are reacting as a result of your previous experience, but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.  Our experiences shape us and if you have reached a point where you aren't willing to compromise on anything...to include iffy communication...then there's nothing wrong with not compromising on that. 

I'm not sure that the guy was being rude, per se, but a red flag for you is a red flag.  I know you have chosen already to give him a chance, so go ahead and see if things work out for Sunday...if you meet him and like him, then great and if you are still unsure, nothing wrong with backing away.

Mergatroyd

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #10 on: June 26, 2014, 02:26:15 PM »
I hate when people can't decide when they want to do things. If he cancels on Friday, and refuses to pin down a date after, I'd move on. You just can't count on him. If he confirms and shows up, then you'll have a better idea of him. If he doesn't show up or confirm either way on friday,  well, scratch that one off the list.

Good luck!

TurtleDove

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #11 on: June 26, 2014, 02:45:30 PM »
I don't see anything wrong or at all out of line in what the guy said.  I think he wants to meet for coffee on Sunday.  If it were me, I would have nailed down a time.  "What time would you need to leave town if you go?  Is meeting at noon a good plan?"  It shows you are interested, and keeps the conversation moving forward to schedule a solid time to meet. If his response is, "I won't know until Friday - can I let you know then?" that seems reasonable to me.

spookycatlady, from your other posts you come across as a well-rounded and funny person so I am surprised that you would take offense to this text exchange.  But if you do, you do, and I think you can opt to not go out with someone who has offended you.

And, I know you didn't ask for them, but hugs and I am happy you are feeling good and dipping your toe into the dating world!

MrTango

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #12 on: June 26, 2014, 02:48:31 PM »
I don't think there's anything wrong with saying "I'd like to meet up on Sunday, but I already have a tentative obligation for that day.  Can I let you know by Friday?"

For example, my dad is "on call" for work about one weekend a month (it used to be every other weekend).  Any plans he makes with people for that weekend are tentative simply by the nature of his job (when a hospital's lab has an analyzer go down, they can't just wait until Monday to get it fixed).  If he gets an invitation to do something on one of those weekends, he responds that he's on call, but that if he's able to go, he'd like to attend.

In the OP's case, it appears the guy probably didn't communicate it that clearly.

DavidH

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #13 on: June 26, 2014, 03:02:43 PM »
It was not the best reaction, ideally you'd propose a time and either the other person would say great, I'll look forward to it, or I have a tentative plan at that time, how about we meet on X day instead. On the other hand, that wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. 

Surianne

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #14 on: June 26, 2014, 03:32:12 PM »
It reads to me like he really wants to meet you on Sunday but there's a slight chance he won't be able to, so he doesn't want to agree and then have to cancel. He'll know by Friday if he can commit or not, so can he let you know then? I don't see anything wrong. It definitely could have been said better, but then again maybe he's trying not to come across too eager and scare you off?

He's not making you compromise, nobody can do that, he's just being honest about possibly having a scheduling conflict. You can always say "Friday evening won't be enough notice for me, my weekends have been pretty full lately. When are you available next week? I could meet you (2-3 options)." Then he chooses one of the times you offered, and off you go.

This is how I see it too.  This is a perfectly normal exchange in my own experience (I've never done online dating, but dating or getting together with people in general).  I've done it myself before and intended it as "Oh, I'd really like to see you but there's a chance it won't work" and he's not making you hold the date indefinitely, just asking if it will work for you if he can let you know by Friday.  If that doesn't work, it's not a problem -- just let him know you'd prefer to try again for another day.

No one's been rude here, that I can see, and I also wouldn't see this as a red flag or evidence that he's a flake.  He's actually trying *not* to be a flake by being open about it rather than scheduling you in and cancelling last minute -- so if you can look at it that way, he's being considerate  :)