Author Topic: See you maybe?  (Read 7624 times)

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auntmeegs

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #15 on: June 26, 2014, 03:47:39 PM »
It reads to me like he really wants to meet you on Sunday but there's a slight chance he won't be able to, so he doesn't want to agree and then have to cancel. He'll know by Friday if he can commit or not, so can he let you know then? I don't see anything wrong. It definitely could have been said better, but then again maybe he's trying not to come across too eager and scare you off?

He's not making you compromise, nobody can do that, he's just being honest about possibly having a scheduling conflict. You can always say "Friday evening won't be enough notice for me, my weekends have been pretty full lately. When are you available next week? I could meet you (2-3 options)." Then he chooses one of the times you offered, and off you go.

This is how I see it too.  This is a perfectly normal exchange in my own experience (I've never done online dating, but dating or getting together with people in general).  I've done it myself before and intended it as "Oh, I'd really like to see you but there's a chance it won't work" and he's not making you hold the date indefinitely, just asking if it will work for you if he can let you know by Friday.  If that doesn't work, it's not a problem -- just let him know you'd prefer to try again for another day.

No one's been rude here, that I can see, and I also wouldn't see this as a red flag or evidence that he's a flake.  He's actually trying *not* to be a flake by being open about it rather than scheduling you in and cancelling last minute -- so if you can look at it that way, he's being considerate  :)

POD.  I'll also add that it seems like he really wants to see you because he seems very reluctant to abandon the Sunday possibility.  I could be something like depending on what happens this week, he might have to go out of town for a work meeting and really won't know until Friday if he has to go or not. 

Huh

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #16 on: June 26, 2014, 03:47:56 PM »
I'm PODing what everyone is saying. I feel you, SpookyCatLady, I too did the compromising and bending in my marriage to try to keep the peace. And I get irritated when people can't decide when or if they want to do things. I can be pretty flexible about plans, and I completely understand reasons why plans fall through or have to be altered. It's just when I feel like the other person is keeping me waiting around on them to make up their mind and is preventing me from doing something else that I get upset. And I feel like I am a bit more sensitive in that area with BF than with anyone else, because of my past baggage.

All of that being said, it sounds like for whatever reason he may have to go out of town on Sunday, and he won't know for sure until Friday. If you're OK with waiting until Friday to find out for sure, then go for it and see what happens (IMHO, that doesn't sound too outrageous, and knowing Friday that he's canceling still gives you plenty of time to make plans, but that's IMHO.) If you'd rather have a concrete date which I also think is reasonable, then sorting out another date when you both think you will definitely be available doesn't sound outrageous either.

Oh Joy

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #17 on: June 26, 2014, 03:54:09 PM »
I totally understand your frustrations, but I see his responses as totally in line with the 'just meeting for coffee on a Sunday' casualness that comes with first in-person meetings.

Good luck!

CreteGirl

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #18 on: June 26, 2014, 04:40:24 PM »
I don't like it.  Your response told him that you were not comfortable with the "maybe plan", and that you would simply like to pick a date that works for both of you.  Instead of agreeing to something mutually acceptable, he insisted on staying with the "maybe plan". 

Although his request seems reasonable, it sets the tone for future interactions where your wishes would be placed secondary to his.

If and when you meet him, I would keep this in mind as a "red flag".


Tea Drinker

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #19 on: June 26, 2014, 08:58:26 PM »
If you do meet him for coffee on Sunday, and it goes well enough for you to care, it would be reasonable to ask him what the possible hitch had been, and play it from there. If he's on call every third Sunday, that's something to plan around in one direction. Again, some things for an elderly or sick relative might fall into that category. On the other hand, if it was a just-for-fun social thing, maybe a friend who dithers about the date for a barbecue or whether he can get concert tickets, you can decide whether that's okay as him thinking that if they stood him up, he could meet you sooner, or if it's not okay because you don't want to be anyone's backup plan, even this early in getting to know him.

Text is hard to get tone across in, and I think brevity can make it worse. I do pretty well having real conversations in long-form online or smartphone chats, but wouldn't want to do anything much subtler than "My train is late. Meet at South Station or at your place?" in a 140-character text message.
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Drunken Housewife

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #20 on: June 27, 2014, 12:23:03 AM »
I don't think he is being rude, but perhaps he is being incompatible with you. 

I occasionally make plans  like he is, because I do want to see someone but it is sometimes difficult for me to commit for reasons out of my control.  Usually I can, but sometimes I can't, but I want to try to see them if I can.   Some people can't deal with this sort of loose planning, and that's fine. 
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greencat

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #21 on: June 27, 2014, 12:28:28 AM »
It sounds to me like he wants to see you sooner than the day you're available next week - but isn't sure he won't be out of town Sunday.  A week can seem like a really long time between the first and second dates to some people, and I've generally noticed that those guys that I ended up dating the longest were also the ones I saw again soonest after the first date.

Raintree

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #22 on: June 27, 2014, 01:46:48 AM »
I see nothing wrong with asking him to pick a day he can commit to. Surely it's not that hard to just pick a day? Unless he works shifts or something and doesn't know his schedule, or some other similar reason, in which case........he should say so!!!!!!!!

I'd be OK with him letting me know by Friday whether Sunday would work, unless I needed to know in order to make other plans should the date not be a go. In which case I'd say, "Well I need to know by Thursday because if it's not a go, I may want to be able to make other plans."

Communication!! "I might be out of town, but should be OK" is a bit vague for me. So we're on, unless the more exciting out of town plans that haven't quite been firmed up yet, actually happen?

Better: "I'm still waiting to hear if I'm out of town Sunday; can I let you know by Friday? If not, I can do Wednesday, or Saturday following."

TurtleDove

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #23 on: June 27, 2014, 07:23:40 AM »
Generally speaking, if a text or email is not clear, I think a person should ask follow up questions. Why waste time readng into what was said? Just ask for clarification. "Does it work better if we plan for Sunday earlier in the day? Would 10:00 work?" No need to create "maybe this or maybe that" scenarios. For me, if i cannot joke around with a partner or ask what is meant if something seems off, it's not the relationship for me. So if these exchanges really do offend you, OP, maybe he's just not for you and that's okay! But based on what we have been told I don't personally think he is rude or sending you a message of wanting his way or the highway or keeping you as a backup plan. He came across , to me, as happily and appropriately conveying he wants to see you without being pushy.

shhh its me

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #24 on: June 27, 2014, 08:07:22 AM »
 I want to make sure I understand the time line....

Sometime this week you made tentative plans for Sunday July 6th he will let you know on Friday the 4th or are the plan for the 29th and he will let you know today? 

I would not be bothered that he said "Sunday sounds good but there is  change it wont be, can we say Sunday and I'll let you know tomorrow/next Friday for sure?"
I do take issue with when you said "No lets make firm plans." he didn't budge. How much of an issue would depend on information you don't have... how likely is it he will have to cancel. I don't think pushing the compromise is as big of a deal if its very very unlikely and he was trying to clarify "No , I don't mean I'm probable going to have to cancel , I mean there is a  really small chance I'll have to cancel." or "My work/life is such that I have to make tentative plans all the time." Then it was right to tell you "This is my life , it wont change."  that may not work for you but it was honest to act in a way that makes that clear.

miranova

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #25 on: June 27, 2014, 08:35:19 AM »
I don't like it, and I probably wouldn't date him.  If he can't commit to Sunday for whatever reason, even a legit one, then it's not fair for him to expect you to set aside the day.  Your first reply was great, but he replied by refusing to pick a day where he could actually commit to seeing you.  He is giving himself an out.  Again, it is irrelevant to me if his tentative plans on Sunday are legit.  He is purposely refusing to pick another day where there isn't a potential conflict.  That says a lot to me.  He's flaky.  And I find the "unless you need a week's notice" very condescending.  What if you do need notice?  Why is that something to make fun of?

People tend to make a lot of excuses for men who who refuse to make real plans, and I don't get it.  I don't care if that's how it's done now.  And I agree it's common.  The whole "hey I'll see you there if I'm there....maybe we can hang out" stuff is very common these days.  But to me that is not a request for a date, and when I was in the dating world I did not date anyone who didn't have the guts to actually ask to see me and be willing to commit to an actual set time.  You don't have to justify your feelings!  dating is about finding someone you are actually compatible with, not changing who you are to excuse behavior you don't like in your gut.  Trust your instincts.  If you don't like this behavior, you aren't compatible and that's ok!  Obviously other people are fine with it, and those people can date him.  Problem solved!

spookycatlady

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #26 on: June 27, 2014, 01:12:21 PM »
Thanks all.

As I mentioned in my (slightly related) INAH thread http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=134082.0, I'm just not ready for any of this.  No more Match for me until I'm a little less wobbly.

I was very grateful to see the other points of view and other possibilities of the situation, and also for the posters who were able to articulate why his renegotiation felt off to me.


bopper

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #27 on: July 08, 2014, 09:04:10 AM »
Also it can be simple personality differences...in the Myers Briggs Personality inventory there is one aspect "Judging vs. Perceiving" which indicates if you like decisions made and plans firmed up or like to leave options open. 

It can be frustrating if you are not the same type.

And it is okay to say "no thanks" for any reason you want to.

auntmeegs

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #28 on: July 08, 2014, 10:08:08 AM »
Thanks all.

As I mentioned in my (slightly related) INAH thread http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=134082.0, I'm just not ready for any of this.  No more Match for me until I'm a little less wobbly.

I was very grateful to see the other points of view and other possibilities of the situation, and also for the posters who were able to articulate why his renegotiation felt off to me.

So did you end up meeting him or did you cancel?

TootsNYC

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #29 on: July 08, 2014, 10:41:28 AM »
It may be that your preference is to -not- have social plans that are "we'll firm up on Friday."

So this could be an indicator that your guys' styles won't mesh.

You also could just say, "I'd prefer to have a set date instead of something iffy. Let's pick a different date, then." Instead of "How about it we...?"