Author Topic: See you maybe?  (Read 8942 times)

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knitwicca

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #30 on: July 13, 2014, 11:01:52 AM »
Generally speaking, if a text or email is not clear, I think a person should ask follow up questions. Why waste time readng into what was said? Just ask for clarification. "Does it work better if we plan for Sunday earlier in the day? Would 10:00 work?" No need to create "maybe this or maybe that" scenarios. For me, if i cannot joke around with a partner or ask what is meant if something seems off, it's not the relationship for me. So if these exchanges really do offend you, OP, maybe he's just not for you and that's okay! But based on what we have been told I don't personally think he is rude or sending you a message of wanting his way or the highway or keeping you as a backup plan. He came across , to me, as happily and appropriately conveying he wants to see you without being pushy.

Shortly after my divorce, I dated a guy who sometimes had to travel for business, usually to the other side of the world. His boss was notorious for saying, on Friday afternoon, "my assistant booked your travel to Germany. Get the info before you leave today."  The flight out would be for that weekend. And my guy had no warning until Friday.  I got a lot of "I am sorry" phone calls, calls from other countries and little gifts from around the world. What I did not get was time with him.

A few months ago, he contracted me with the idea of trying again. He changed compnies and rarely needs to travel outside the country.
I agreed to go out with him. He postponed.
We rescheduled. He postponed.
Again and again.

It has gotten to the point that my BFF and I make bets on how soon after we make plans will he text to postpone, reschedule or simply apologize.

In the meantime, I date other men who actually follow through.

weeblewobble

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #31 on: July 27, 2014, 08:02:13 AM »
People who like you, will take the time to see you, no matter what else they have going on in their lives. And they certainly don't stall you and give noncommittal messages that state that they'll see you, maybe, if you turn out to be more important than whatever they have going.

Maybe New Guy is just bad at communication.  But you're coming out of relationship where you were (generally) the low priority on the list, with a guy so bad at communicating he can't seem to do it without hurting you.  This is probably not the match you want.

spookycatlady

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #32 on: July 31, 2014, 08:17:10 AM »
Oh weeblewobble-- that just hit me right in the feels.  In a good way.

The ex had once said that my poor communication skills were the cause of 90% of our marital problems.  I think you hit the nail on the head about what I thought the real problem was.

Thank you!

JenJay

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #33 on: July 31, 2014, 11:46:08 AM »
Oh weeblewobble-- that just hit me right in the feels.  In a good way.

The ex had once said that my poor communication skills were the cause of 90% of our marital problems.  I think you hit the nail on the head about what I thought the real problem was.

Thank you!

Your communication skills? Yours? Where's that little emoti of the guy ripping his hair out?!  :o

Twik

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #34 on: July 31, 2014, 02:29:56 PM »
Oh weeblewobble-- that just hit me right in the feels.  In a good way.

The ex had once said that my poor communication skills were the cause of 90% of our marital problems.  I think you hit the nail on the head about what I thought the real problem was.

Thank you!

Your communication skills? Yours? Where's that little emoti of the guy ripping his hair out?!  :o

I presume her deficiency lay in not knowing that he what he said was not what he meant.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

weeblewobble

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #35 on: August 01, 2014, 05:24:10 PM »
((((((SPOOKY)))))))

Yes, how dare you believe what he said and expect him to be accountable to what he promised you. Clearly, your communication skills were very poor.  ::)

lurkerwisp

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #36 on: September 25, 2014, 03:35:24 PM »
Generally speaking, if a text or email is not clear, I think a person should ask follow up questions. Why waste time readng into what was said? Just ask for clarification. "Does it work better if we plan for Sunday earlier in the day? Would 10:00 work?" No need to create "maybe this or maybe that" scenarios. For me, if i cannot joke around with a partner or ask what is meant if something seems off, it's not the relationship for me. So if these exchanges really do offend you, OP, maybe he's just not for you and that's okay! But based on what we have been told I don't personally think he is rude or sending you a message of wanting his way or the highway or keeping you as a backup plan. He came across , to me, as happily and appropriately conveying he wants to see you without being pushy.

Shortly after my divorce, I dated a guy who sometimes had to travel for business, usually to the other side of the world. His boss was notorious for saying, on Friday afternoon, "my assistant booked your travel to Germany. Get the info before you leave today."  The flight out would be for that weekend. And my guy had no warning until Friday.  I got a lot of "I am sorry" phone calls, calls from other countries and little gifts from around the world. What I did not get was time with him.

A few months ago, he contracted me with the idea of trying again. He changed compnies and rarely needs to travel outside the country.
I agreed to go out with him. He postponed.
We rescheduled. He postponed.
Again and again.

It has gotten to the point that my BFF and I make bets on how soon after we make plans will he text to postpone, reschedule or simply apologize.

In the meantime, I date other men who actually follow through.

I'm in the on call rotation at work, which means that every few months I have two weeks of on call duty.  For those two weeks, all plans are tentative and anything I do manage to go out to do must be near a WiFi connection, and I must be able to bring my laptop.  Visiting a coffee shop?  I might be called away if a server catches fire or there's some other disaster, but it 'should be good.'

Having work obligations stinks, but it can't really be helped.

DanaJ

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #37 on: December 09, 2014, 07:52:05 PM »
I'm in the on call rotation at work, which means that every few months I have two weeks of on call duty.  For those two weeks, all plans are tentative and anything I do manage to go out to do must be near a WiFi connection, and I must be able to bring my laptop.  Visiting a coffee shop?  I might be called away if a server catches fire or there's some other disaster, but it 'should be good.'

Having work obligations stinks, but it can't really be helped.

But that is something that can be spelled out right at the start, so it's very clear. Many years ago I briefly dated an EMT. If you crashed your car on a remote, mountain road, he was the guy who rappelled down the rope from the helicopter to give you a band-aid. When we were trying to set up our first date, he told me the situation: his schedule was two weeks on/two weeks off. During the two weeks on, he had some predictable work hours, but he was also still on call. That meant there was a risk that he might have to get up and leave right in the middle of dinner during our first date. Or I could wait until the two weeks off part came along.

But that was all very clearly spelled out right away. If you wanted to date this guy, those were the conditions. You could make an informed decision. It wasn't some wishy-washy, maybe-not-sure situation.

BTW - his driver's licence was with his EMT ID card and a shiny badge. So if we were in line to get into a fancy nightclub, as the bouncers checked the IDs of everyone in line, they would mistake his badge for a police officer's and we'd get bumped up to the front of the line.

ezbliss

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #38 on: December 09, 2014, 08:36:39 PM »
Excuse the bluntness, but when a man/woman postpones a date not only once but several times, he/she just isnít that interested.  Time to draw a line thru their name and move on.

As far as being on call and busy with work, if someone is a surgeon, navy seal, EMT, etc. that should be known from the beginning.

With online stuff, itís funny how some people will email and chat a lot, but they just donít have time for actual in-person datingRed flag.  If the person is that busy, they wouldnít have time to spend on dating sites.



greencat

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #39 on: December 09, 2014, 09:20:26 PM »
Excuse the bluntness, but when a man/woman postpones a date not only once but several times, he/she just isnít that interested.  Time to draw a line thru their name and move on.

Agreed.

Quote
As far as being on call and busy with work, if someone is a surgeon, navy seal, EMT, etc. that should be known from the beginning.

With online stuff, itís funny how some people will email and chat a lot, but they just donít have time for actual in-person datingRed flag.  If the person is that busy, they wouldnít have time to spend on dating sites.


That's not necessarily the case.  I have a work schedule that at times has me working variable shifts, and normally has me at work during the times when most people go out (weeknights).  I have plenty of free time, just not at the same time other people do.  It does make it hard to date people who work banker's hours. 


ezbliss

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #40 on: December 10, 2014, 03:33:40 PM »
Excuse the bluntness, but when a man/woman postpones a date not only once but several times, he/she just isnít that interested.  Time to draw a line thru their name and move on.

I know that not everyone works 8-5. 
My point is that 1) nobody works 24/7/365 and 2) if a person canít make time to even meet for coffee, then itís Ďoddí that they have a lot of time to spend on dating sites and emailing/chatting/texting.


Agreed.

Quote
As far as being on call and busy with work, if someone is a surgeon, navy seal, EMT, etc. that should be known from the beginning.

With online stuff, itís funny how some people will email and chat a lot, but they just donít have time for actual in-person datingRed flag.  If the person is that busy, they wouldnít have time to spend on dating sites.


That's not necessarily the case.  I have a work schedule that at times has me working variable shifts, and normally has me at work during the times when most people go out (weeknights).  I have plenty of free time, just not at the same time other people do.  It does make it hard to date people who work banker's hours.

MariaE

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #41 on: December 11, 2014, 01:01:03 AM »
Excuse the bluntness, but when a man/woman postpones a date not only once but several times, he/she just isnít that interested.  Time to draw a line thru their name and move on.


Agreed.

Quote
As far as being on call and busy with work, if someone is a surgeon, navy seal, EMT, etc. that should be known from the beginning.

With online stuff, itís funny how some people will email and chat a lot, but they just donít have time for actual in-person datingRed flag.  If the person is that busy, they wouldnít have time to spend on dating sites.


That's not necessarily the case.  I have a work schedule that at times has me working variable shifts, and normally has me at work during the times when most people go out (weeknights).  I have plenty of free time, just not at the same time other people do.  It does make it hard to date people who work banker's hours.

I know that not everyone works 8-5. 
My point is that 1) nobody works 24/7/365 and 2) if a person canít make time to even meet for coffee, then itís Ďoddí that they have a lot of time to spend on dating sites and emailing/chatting/texting.


Not really. I can email/chat/text while at work - I couldn't meet up with anybody then.

I do agree that something's off if they never suggest alternative times to meet though, but just say "Sorry, I'm too busy". That's generally seen as a brush off.

But the fact that they have time to be online doesn't puzzle me.
 
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ezbliss

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #42 on: December 11, 2014, 01:29:50 AM »
It doesn't puzzle me either.
They're lying, not that interested, or pretending to date. Emailing/online chats/texting is not dating.

greencat

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #43 on: December 11, 2014, 01:29:58 PM »
It doesn't puzzle me either.
They're lying, not that interested, or pretending to date. Emailing/online chats/texting is not dating.

So Maria and I are lying when we can be online/use my phone at work and check dating sites, but we don't have time that week that matches with a particular guy's schedule to meet up with him for coffee?

I think you may have been burned by people on dating sites, but please, this is an etiquette forum, and your attitude towards this topic is very confrontational, and you're coming across very rudely.

miranova

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Re: See you maybe?
« Reply #44 on: December 11, 2014, 02:31:59 PM »
It doesn't puzzle me either.
They're lying, not that interested, or pretending to date. Emailing/online chats/texting is not dating.

So Maria and I are lying when we can be online/use my phone at work and check dating sites, but we don't have time that week that matches with a particular guy's schedule to meet up with him for coffee?

I think you may have been burned by people on dating sites, but please, this is an etiquette forum, and your attitude towards this topic is very confrontational, and you're coming across very rudely.

The bolded makes sense but that's not really what the thread was about, I thought.  There is a difference between two people going through their schedules and actually trying to find a time to meet, but not finding it this week, and one person who is always magically "busy" when the suggestion to meet comes up and never offers a single real suggestion, only maybes that give them an out.

I did my share of online dating and there is definitely a subset of people who only want to chat online and don't have any real intention of going on real dates that they have to commit to.  They will "maybe" see you this weekend if you both happen to be at the same club, bar, or restaurant at the same time.  They will even throw out some possible times, but will never ever commit to them.  You learn to spot them pretty quickly.