Author Topic: Dude. I'm not actually your friend.  (Read 9677 times)

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Hurricane Marathon

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Dude. I'm not actually your friend.
« on: July 10, 2014, 02:48:27 PM »
So there I was looking at Facebook one day when I got friend request from some guy.  I didn't recognize him and we don't have any friends in common, so I declined it.  Then he messaged me and said he saw me on the FB page for our city and would like to ask me some questions about running.  (I guess I posted something on that page about going for a run with my dog or whatever.)  Harmless enough I thought, so I accepted the request.  He said he wanted to start running again but didn't want to go alone and kept asking if he could run with me.  Now, keep in mind that it is very obvious that I am happily married.  My husband is not the jealous type at all and knows that I have many guy-friends, but I am certainly not comfortable with hanging out with some random stranger guy.  I deflected this guy by telling him about the various meet-up groups at the Running Room, and all seemed fine.  I told my husband about this guy asking if he could run with me and my husband of course said the not-polite version of "No way".  Obviously not because of potential hanky-panky issues (the thought of either of us steppin' out is preposterous), but for safety reasons. He can find another dude to run with.  I mean, if I'd said "My buddy who I've known for many years asked if he could run with me" that wouldn't be an issue - in fact I did the Warrior Dash with a guy-friend that I've known for years and my husband was happy that I had the company for it. 

So anyway, this new FB guy would comment or "like" my statuses and pictures, mostly the running related ones, and it didn't bother me.  Until the other day when he messaged me and asked if I'd gone for a run that night and called me a stupid nickname derivative of my real name (eye roll.)  I just said yes, my dog and I did 4K in the rain.  So then he asked me to work out with him at the gym (offered me a free pass) and says "May I call you and talk?" 

Oh HECK no.  Noooo.  No.  I wrote, quote: "Dude, seriously, I am extremely happily married. I'm sure you're a cool guy but I'm just not comfortable hanging out with guys I don't already know. I'm okay being FB friends but nothing beyond online.  Just doesn't seem cool.  I'm sure your wife/girlfriend would feel the same way."  (I'm pretty sure he's single, I just said that.)

So then the poor guy was all "You thought I was into you? I just wanted to talk about running and stuff."  Sounds like he was just trying to make new friends or whatever, but really, why would you try to befriend a married woman that you don't even know?

I kept him on my friends list because I'm not worried about my safety or anything, and hopefully I've shot him down enough that he'll focus his attention elsewhere.

Has anybody else here had that happen?  How did you handle it?


TootsNYC

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Re: Dude. I'm not actually your friend.
« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2014, 02:53:13 PM »
I don't know why you ever accepted his friend request. Can't you email back and forth on Facebook without being friends?

The minute someone I didn't know at all requested to meet up in real life, I'd delete him from my friend list and probably even block him.

OK, maybe not the minute--but the third time.

jmarvellous

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Re: Dude. I'm not actually your friend.
« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2014, 02:55:35 PM »
Have I ever accidentally not told a guy who set off my creep-dar to back off immediately? Yes.

Have I had to deal with the consequences of not shutting down a creep-dar guy? Yes.

What did I do? I cut off all contact, immediately (or grew to regret it). You don't have any obligation to keep a stranger (or even a person you know) on your FB list!

dawbs

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Re: Dude. I'm not actually your friend.
« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2014, 03:06:47 PM »
well, blocking someone from FB is NOT just about them making you feel unsafe, it's about them being a baconfedknave whom you don't want to have access to easy communication with you or to your pictures/social life and life in general.

I respond by blocking.

I have *one* person who I haven't blocked--and that person it would cause family ripples (i'm good friends w/ a sibling), and he is the one 'friend' who is under super-lockdown and unable to see anything on my feed, my pictures, etc.

Hurricane Marathon

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Re: Dude. I'm not actually your friend.
« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2014, 03:13:45 PM »
OK, maybe not the minute--but the third time.

Yeah. If he asks to meet up one more time there will be a blocking.  I think I made myself clear though.

lilfox

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Re: Dude. I'm not actually your friend.
« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2014, 03:19:53 PM »
The red flags here are sending you a friend request with zero information, then messaging you when you denied it.
Then FB-stalking your posts.
Then using a nickname to inflict a higher level of intimacy on you much sooner than warranted.
Then inviting you to the gym and walking to call and "talk."
Then when you shut him down, immediately taking the "what? I'm not hitting on you! how could you think that of me?" route.  Yeah, he was, and he knows it.

I'd strongly urge defriend and block.  He might not bother you again (or he might wait a few weeks if his other attempts elsewhere don't pan out), but he might start trolling your friends list for another target.

TurtleDove

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Re: Dude. I'm not actually your friend.
« Reply #6 on: July 10, 2014, 03:23:24 PM »
I often have men say vaguely inappropriate things to me (I am happily married), and it takes a lot to offend me, but I avoid drama in my life at all costs.  I would just block this guy.  Why stress over someone you don't have any actual connection to and who only causes you to feel either vaguely uncomfortable or downright creeped out? I see no downside to blocking him.

amylouky

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Re: Dude. I'm not actually your friend.
« Reply #7 on: July 10, 2014, 03:26:20 PM »
I'd block him, too. I find it creepy that he picked you at random off of a page that's not centered on running, while supposedly looking for running buddies. Also, he wouldn't have gotten notification that you denied his friend request, so he must have made note otherwise of your profile and been checking back. Then the repeated contact, being overly familiar, and requests to meet? Yep, red flags all over.

Best case, he's just really socially clueless and honestly trying to make friends, but if you're not interested in being friends anyway why take the chance?

gingerzing

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Re: Dude. I'm not actually your friend.
« Reply #8 on: July 10, 2014, 03:27:07 PM »
Would block him.
Actually, would not have probably friended him.  (But that is just me) 

But after all this, yeah, blocked.  Especially after the whole Mr. Innocent Just Wanted To Talk Running thing.  Nope.  He just tried to make you look like the rude one or the one with issues. 
Block him and tell your friends so he doesn't try to friend them to get back to you. 

MommyPenguin

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Re: Dude. I'm not actually your friend.
« Reply #9 on: July 10, 2014, 03:28:14 PM »
I would defriend and block, too.  Things to keep in mind:

a) He knows you run, what city you're in, and possibly, depending on the advice you've given, where and when you run.

b) He knows what you look like from your Facebook account.

He may have no nefarious intentions and really just want a friend (maybe he has a lot of female friends, just as some women have a lot of male friends, maybe he's gay, whatever).  But that doesn't mean that he might not figure out times when you might be jogging and try to "accidentally" run into you along the way and join in.  That could be incredibly annoying, even if there's no threat.  If he does manage to arrange to run into you in person, he'll be that much harder to shake.

dawbs

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Re: Dude. I'm not actually your friend.
« Reply #10 on: July 10, 2014, 03:33:42 PM »
The red flags here are sending you a friend request with zero information, then messaging you when you denied it.
Then FB-stalking your posts.
Then using a nickname to inflict a higher level of intimacy on you much sooner than warranted.
Then inviting you to the gym and walking to call and "talk."
Then when you shut him down, immediately taking the "what? I'm not hitting on you! how could you think that of me?" route.  Yeah, he was, and he knows it.

I'd strongly urge defriend and block.  He might not bother you again (or he might wait a few weeks if his other attempts elsewhere don't pan out), but he might start trolling your friends list for another target.

This is actually a somewhat real concern.
The creepy person I haven't blocked because it will be WWIII, but who is on uberblock on my FB is there because we have friends in common.
I got a request, saw that we had 30+ friends in common, and I added him when I normally would haev thought twice about it because I don't know him that well.

I'm fairly sure 37 of the 37 friends we have in common also have him on various levels of block (including his sibling), but, unfortunately, the 37 shared friends do give him a degree of credence to people, which isn't a positive thing.

Hurricane Marathon

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Re: Dude. I'm not actually your friend.
« Reply #11 on: July 10, 2014, 03:47:07 PM »
Wow, you guys spotted even more red flags than I did.

The red flags here are sending you a friend request with zero information, then messaging you when you denied it.
Then FB-stalking your posts.
Then using a nickname to inflict a higher level of intimacy on you much sooner than warranted.Then inviting you to the gym and walking to call and "talk."
Then when you shut him down, immediately taking the "what? I'm not hitting on you! how could you think that of me?" route.  Yeah, he was, and he knows it.

(Bolding mine) - I totally picked up on that and was skeeved out.

I find it creepy that he picked you at random off of a page that's not centered on running, while supposedly looking for running buddies.

This never even occurred to me.  You're totally right.

Especially after the whole Mr. Innocent Just Wanted To Talk Running thing.  Nope.  He just tried to make you look like the rude one or the one with issues. 
Block him and tell your friends so he doesn't try to friend them to get back to you.

Good idea.  I think I'll go ahead and do that. 

DanaJ

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Re: Dude. I'm not actually your friend.
« Reply #12 on: July 10, 2014, 04:12:04 PM »
I find it creepy that he picked you at random off of a page that's not centered on running, while supposedly looking for running buddies.

This never even occurred to me.  You're totally right.

The guys is definitely a creep (anyone who tries to insinuate themselves into other people's lives is a bit stalkery, IMHO), but he may have picked you not so much at random, but because Facebook suggested you on the list of "People You Might Know." Especially, if you are linked to any running groups through Facebook.

I can't remember if common interests in common cities also puts you on random people's "People You Might Know" list, but being a member of a group certainly will. Usually it's friends of friends, but my list shows plenty of people I have zero connection to.
« Last Edit: July 10, 2014, 04:35:13 PM by DanaJ »

greencat

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Re: Dude. I'm not actually your friend.
« Reply #13 on: July 10, 2014, 04:30:48 PM »
You don't have to friend someone to send messages back and forth.  I'm not friends with my mom on Facebook and we almost exclusively use Facebook messenger to communicate.  If you reply a few times to a conversation Facebook will stop sorting the message into the "other" folder.

Like other posters, I'm pretty concerned with the level of detail this guy knows about you now.  Can you change up your route or your schedule to avoid anything he knows about?  I'd also block him - he won't be able to see your posts on the community page anymore.

DanaJ

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Re: Dude. I'm not actually your friend.
« Reply #14 on: July 10, 2014, 04:41:59 PM »
Oh and the "You thought I was into you? I just wanted to talk about running and stuff" is also a major "Ick!" factor for me. You don't have to go all the way to the gym where he works to talk about running. I digitally "talk" to people about of hobby of mine regularly and have never needed to meet them face-to-face to do it. The hobby message boards works just fine.