Author Topic: I Don't Want to be Your Buddy In or Out of Work  (Read 10258 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

veronaz

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2225
Re: I Don't Want to be Your Buddy In or Out of Work
« Reply #15 on: July 22, 2014, 03:01:18 PM »
I started taking a class at night.I won't be able to join you for dinner.

I don't like this because 1) it's a type of JADE 2) it leaves the door open for future invites (you can't take a class forever, and what about nights when you don't have class?)

I would not bother making up any excuses/stories.

No.  Just no.  Not tonight, not tomorrow, not ever.

BeagleMommy

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3172
Re: I Don't Want to be Your Buddy In or Out of Work
« Reply #16 on: July 22, 2014, 03:33:56 PM »
Just keep repeating that you are not available for anything outside of work.  If you go with other coworkers and she tags along you can't help that but you don't have to drive her around to show her how to get out of the parking lot.  Something like "Rowena, I've shown you the route several times.  I'm not showing you again."

As for the kissing?  Ick!  I'm from a Polish family and we're very affectionate with each other, but not with coworkers (even most family members don't kiss on the mouth).  If she tries that again you could pull back and say firmly "Rowena, WHAT are you doing?!  I don't kiss my coworkers."

MyFamily

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4580
Re: I Don't Want to be Your Buddy In or Out of Work
« Reply #17 on: July 22, 2014, 03:52:36 PM »
you know, there is a part of me who wonders if she thinks that because Yarnspinner never got married, she must be a lesbian and is therefore, well, kissing her on the mouth on purpose to either 1) hit on Yarnspinner or 2) create drama of some nature...
Neither, obviously are okay, and I think stepping back and saying 'no' is absolutely the correct thing to do - you don't have to be personally violated just to be polite.  In some ways, I view this as a safety trumps etiquette issue.


"The test of good manners is to be patient with bad ones" - Solomon ibn Gabirol

Twik

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 28613
Re: I Don't Want to be Your Buddy In or Out of Work
« Reply #18 on: July 22, 2014, 03:59:36 PM »
I have a Polish work friend who has never, once, tried to kiss me on the lips. And she can find her own way home. (Seriously, who needs to be guided out of a *parking lot*?)

This isn't cultural. This is someone who's a shade off, and would be in any culture.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

cicero

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 17743
Re: I Don't Want to be Your Buddy In or Out of Work
« Reply #19 on: July 22, 2014, 08:29:29 PM »
What all those guys said.

Basically just say no.

There's being nice to a fairly new/struggling coworker and there's being a door mat and allowing yourself to be manipulated. I'm afraid you were trying to do the former and ended up doing the latter.

And hugs.

            Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools

Shyla

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5
Re: I Don't Want to be Your Buddy In or Out of Work
« Reply #20 on: July 23, 2014, 12:35:32 AM »
The less you say the better. Say No I can't. Just keep saying it. If necessary add I am busy but never say more than that. Anything else that crosses boundaries say Do not do that again, it is not acceptable. I wouldn't even bean dip. Say Excuse me I have work to do and then go do something. I'm so sorry you have this leech.

I'm over 40 and never married and not gay. Just ugly. Does that make me a serial killer too?

thare

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1
Re: I Don't Want to be Your Buddy In or Out of Work
« Reply #21 on: July 23, 2014, 06:58:50 AM »
I happen to be Polish (and live in Poland) and my mother and one of closest friends are actually librarians, so I can definitely say that:
1 - no, the attire described is NOT how they dress to work;
2 - we don't habitually kiss friends on the lips;
3 - and really we do not behave that way, although
4 - small talk is largely unknown in Poland in the form you practice in the UK and US, so for instance, if you ask someone "How are you", by Jove, better be prepared to hear in detail how they really are, including bowel movements and marital problem. This one is, indeed, cultural.

cicero

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 17743
Re: I Don't Want to be Your Buddy In or Out of Work
« Reply #22 on: July 23, 2014, 07:23:44 AM »
I happen to be Polish (and live in Poland) and my mother and one of closest friends are actually librarians, so I can definitely say that:
1 - no, the attire described is NOT how they dress to work;
2 - we don't habitually kiss friends on the lips;
3 - and really we do not behave that way, although
4 - small talk is largely unknown in Poland in the form you practice in the UK and US, so for instance, if you ask someone "How are you", by Jove, better be prepared to hear in detail how they really are, including bowel movements and marital problem. This one is, indeed, cultural.
LoL so my US-born father, whose parents moved from Poland to the US after WWII, somehow managed to pass this gene on to him? and the gene thankfully skipped me? now it's all becoming very clear why he doesn't get it that I *do not* want to hear about his constipation ::)

            Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools

lkdrymom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1031
Re: I Don't Want to be Your Buddy In or Out of Work
« Reply #23 on: July 23, 2014, 07:49:10 AM »
I happen to be Polish (and live in Poland) and my mother and one of closest friends are actually librarians, so I can definitely say that:
1 - no, the attire described is NOT how they dress to work;
2 - we don't habitually kiss friends on the lips;
3 - and really we do not behave that way, although
4 - small talk is largely unknown in Poland in the form you practice in the UK and US, so for instance, if you ask someone "How are you", by Jove, better be prepared to hear in detail how they really are, including bowel movements and marital problem. This one is, indeed, cultural.
LoL so my US-born father, whose parents moved from Poland to the US after WWII, somehow managed to pass this gene on to him? and the gene thankfully skipped me? now it's all becoming very clear why he doesn't get it that I *do not* want to hear about his constipation ::)

So apparently my father is Polish too.

bloo

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1299
Re: I Don't Want to be Your Buddy In or Out of Work
« Reply #24 on: July 23, 2014, 07:52:16 AM »
I happen to be Polish (and live in Poland) and my mother and one of closest friends are actually librarians, so I can definitely say that:
1 - no, the attire described is NOT how they dress to work;
2 - we don't habitually kiss friends on the lips;
3 - and really we do not behave that way, although
4 - small talk is largely unknown in Poland in the form you practice in the UK and US, so for instance, if you ask someone "How are you", by Jove, better be prepared to hear in detail how they really are, including bowel movements and marital problem. This one is, indeed, cultural.
LoL so my US-born father, whose parents moved from Poland to the US after WWII, somehow managed to pass this gene on to him? and the gene thankfully skipped me? now it's all becoming very clear why he doesn't get it that I *do not* want to hear about his constipation ::)

So apparently my father is Polish too.

LOL! Apparently I have known quite a few 'cultural' Polish.  :)

Yarnspinner

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3940
Re: I Don't Want to be Your Buddy In or Out of Work
« Reply #25 on: July 23, 2014, 08:14:54 AM »
Came back to respond...I am going to take your advice ( as some of you pointed out, I really should have known the answer to this one) and just keep being unavailable.  I probably should own up that, although Rowena IS from Eastern Europe, I did change her nationality from the one to the other. 

However, I will say that I have several Polish friends myself, and while most of them assure me that the described behavior is just NOT what is done in any Eastern European country, I do have one acquaintance (who had come to the US a few years earlier) who ALSO thought it was amusing to be "continental."  If we went for a walk, she had to hold hands with one or all of us and snuggle her head on our shoulders...and was distressed when we pulled away.   She complained that Americans are so uptight and Europeans more open and accepting of their bodies.  Uh--what?

Or--my favorite--she grabbed at the blouse of ANOTHER Polish acquaintance who was well endowed and said "I am curious:  WHAT do you keep in there?"

Other Polish acquaintance assured her there was nothing interesting in there (a)  and  (b) if she ever pulled a stunt like that again, she would get hurt. 

We chalked it up less to her being "culturally" inept and more to being, well, nuts.  (Later on she pulled some other stunts that only added to the whackness theory)   So it was more "Oh, that's how Betsy is, but trust us, it's NOT cultural or even continental."

Rowena's behavior was so much like Betsy's (except that one could understand Betsy when she talked) I decided to go with "Polish"--sorry Polish e-hellions, I wasn't picking on you!

P.S.:  My immediate supervisor just asked me if I had seen Rowena lately and "does she speak English any better?"

redcat

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 339
Re: I Don't Want to be Your Buddy In or Out of Work
« Reply #26 on: July 23, 2014, 10:13:01 AM »
Quote
If she were repeating everything in order to learn the language, she would have learned it by now.  She may be repeating everything as a way to 'fill in' conversation without adding anything.

There is a condition called echolalia (thanks QI!)), where a person repeats what the person before them has said.  How much of the conversation does she repeat?  It's possible she doesn't really have control of it.

perpetua

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2153
Re: I Don't Want to be Your Buddy In or Out of Work
« Reply #27 on: July 23, 2014, 04:54:41 PM »
I'm a little confused as to how Rowena is capable of mining for information for the purposes of subterfuge if, as you say, her English is genuinely so bad that she can't make herself understood. Those two things would seem to be mutually exclusive. Either there's more to this than meets the eye, or she's deliberately playing down how good her English is for some other reason.

But as to your question: Be Teflon. Just have other plans.

Lynn2000

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5335
Re: I Don't Want to be Your Buddy In or Out of Work
« Reply #28 on: July 23, 2014, 05:20:24 PM »
Rowena reminds me a little of my co-worker Grace. Grace is also from another country and speaks with a thick accent despite being in the US for decades--I know not everyone is proficient at languages but my point is, whenever Grace says something horribly rude and blunt to someone, she likes to claim that she just used the wrong word, because she's not so good at English. Except that we've had other people who speak her native language, and speak to her in it, and they're like, "Yeah, she's just as rude then." ::)

She also has a very interrogatory style of communication. We all had lunch today and I noticed she was peppering people with questions. She's the type where if you try to demur answering, she will demand to know more anyway. If you say something like, "Oh, I don't like to talk about that," she'll be like, "Why? Why? Why?" like a toddler. ::) Then, she'll make an outrageous statement, I guess in the hopes of provoking you into correcting her and giving her the info she wants. Like, she'll want to know how much money your house cost, and if you refuse to tell her, she'll be like, "I bet it's a lot more than you could afford and you had to go really into debt to buy it." This is how she speaks to co-workers she would tell you she's friends with.
~Lynn2000

Shea

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4111
Re: I Don't Want to be Your Buddy In or Out of Work
« Reply #29 on: July 25, 2014, 07:39:22 AM »
Quote
If she were repeating everything in order to learn the language, she would have learned it by now.  She may be repeating everything as a way to 'fill in' conversation without adding anything.

There is a condition called echolalia (thanks QI!)), where a person repeats what the person before them has said.  How much of the conversation does she repeat?  It's possible she doesn't really have control of it.

If the repeating was the only "off" thing Rowena did, then maybe you could attribute it to that, but combined with everything else Yarnspinner has described, I'd say it's just another manifestation of her nuttiness. No need to attribute to an unusual medical condition what can be explained by regular ol' crazy ;).


If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, librarians are a global threat.