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Author Topic: Requesting Return of Lent Items and getting attitude  (Read 11954 times)

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MyFamily

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Re: Requesting Return of Lent Items and getting attitude
« Reply #30 on: July 23, 2014, 04:19:09 PM »
Is anyone else wondering if just maybe it's possible that her husband has something to do with this?  Like maybe he knew the tables were supposed to be returned on Sunday and he just refused to do it Sunday? ... and Monday? ... and today? ...
It is possible, I guess...he and I used to serve on a board together and I found him to be pretty heavy-handed and over-technical when it was unnecessary, but I don't think he'd be so difficult to make her life harder about returning the items.  Of course, you never know what is happening behind closed doors, but nothing I've seen has ever led me to believe that that he would do that type of thing to her.  And he was smiling when he came to return the items, until I told him my husband wasn't here to help him and it started to rain.  My 10 year old went and helped carry in the chairs while I grabbed them at the door and put them to the side to make the process faster.
"The test of good manners is to be patient with bad ones" - Solomon ibn Gabirol

VorFemme

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Re: Requesting Return of Lent Items and getting attitude
« Reply #31 on: July 23, 2014, 04:22:50 PM »
I wouldn't loan her a cup of sugar after this.  It wouldn't be worth it. 

She's just a "bit too much" to deal with.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I explain?

Kiwichick

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Re: Requesting Return of Lent Items and getting attitude
« Reply #32 on: July 23, 2014, 05:01:32 PM »
Is anyone else wondering if just maybe it's possible that her husband has something to do with this?  Like maybe he knew the tables were supposed to be returned on Sunday and he just refused to do it Sunday? ... and Monday? ... and today? ...

Nope not at all. Janet borrowed them, it's her responsibility to ensure they are returned.

Julsie

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Re: Requesting Return of Lent Items and getting attitude
« Reply #33 on: July 23, 2014, 05:29:33 PM »
Her, "You know, I've had a really hard day" is not indicative of her having a really hard day.  It's her being manipulative.  That's why she led with it. 

lakey

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Re: Requesting Return of Lent Items and getting attitude
« Reply #34 on: July 23, 2014, 05:38:01 PM »
I'm not a fan of loaning or borrowing. Too often it causes bad feelings. I only loan to people I am extremely close to, like sisters.
I've had too many instances where the items aren't returned at all, unless you call and ask.

perpetua

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Re: Requesting Return of Lent Items and getting attitude
« Reply #35 on: July 23, 2014, 06:01:26 PM »
To me the following things would matter in deciding whether she was rude or not:

1 - Why didn't she return the tables on Sunday as agreed - did she have an emergency with her mother or some other thing going on and just couldn't manage it or did she just not bother?
2 - How did the pushing it back until today come about? Did she ask nicely if it was possible? Did she have a reason? Did you agree or say "Oh that's fine" or something that she could have taken as 'it's OK to do this'?

I wouldn't lend her anything again because it sounds stressful for you but I'm not sure she can be automatically judged as rude without knowing those details.

MyFamily

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Re: Requesting Return of Lent Items and getting attitude
« Reply #36 on: July 23, 2014, 09:18:25 PM »
To me the following things would matter in deciding whether she was rude or not:

1 - Why didn't she return the tables on Sunday as agreed - did she have an emergency with her mother or some other thing going on and just couldn't manage it or did she just not bother?
2 - How did the pushing it back until today come about? Did she ask nicely if it was possible? Did she have a reason? Did you agree or say "Oh that's fine" or something that she could have taken as 'it's OK to do this'?

I wouldn't lend her anything again because it sounds stressful for you but I'm not sure she can be automatically judged as rude without knowing those details.

She never gave me a reason for not returning them on Sunday; I got in touch with her Monday and reminded her that we needed them back because my husband needed the table for a project; at that point she gave me an option of having them returned at 10:30 that night (much too late for us, it is 9:15 pm now and my DH is already ready for bed and the alarm is on for the night) or Tuesday after dinner; with those two choices, I had to take Tuesday evening. 
"The test of good manners is to be patient with bad ones" - Solomon ibn Gabirol

Raintree

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Re: Requesting Return of Lent Items and getting attitude
« Reply #37 on: July 23, 2014, 10:17:45 PM »
To me the following things would matter in deciding whether she was rude or not:

1 - Why didn't she return the tables on Sunday as agreed - did she have an emergency with her mother or some other thing going on and just couldn't manage it or did she just not bother?
2 - How did the pushing it back until today come about? Did she ask nicely if it was possible? Did she have a reason? Did you agree or say "Oh that's fine" or something that she could have taken as 'it's OK to do this'?

I wouldn't lend her anything again because it sounds stressful for you but I'm not sure she can be automatically judged as rude without knowing those details.

She never gave me a reason for not returning them on Sunday; I got in touch with her Monday and reminded her that we needed them back because my husband needed the table for a project; at that point she gave me an option of having them returned at 10:30 that night (much too late for us, it is 9:15 pm now and my DH is already ready for bed and the alarm is on for the night) or Tuesday after dinner; with those two choices, I had to take Tuesday evening.

You shouldn't even have to call her up and remind her. More than once, from the sounds of it. The "look, I'm doing my best" comment is the final nail in the coffin. It sounds as though she feels entitled to the use of your things and that she is doing YOU a favour by returning them at some unspecified time.

perpetua

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Re: Requesting Return of Lent Items and getting attitude
« Reply #38 on: July 24, 2014, 01:48:33 AM »
To me the following things would matter in deciding whether she was rude or not:

1 - Why didn't she return the tables on Sunday as agreed - did she have an emergency with her mother or some other thing going on and just couldn't manage it or did she just not bother?
2 - How did the pushing it back until today come about? Did she ask nicely if it was possible? Did she have a reason? Did you agree or say "Oh that's fine" or something that she could have taken as 'it's OK to do this'?

I wouldn't lend her anything again because it sounds stressful for you but I'm not sure she can be automatically judged as rude without knowing those details.

She never gave me a reason for not returning them on Sunday; I got in touch with her Monday and reminded her that we needed them back because my husband needed the table for a project; at that point she gave me an option of having them returned at 10:30 that night (much too late for us, it is 9:15 pm now and my DH is already ready for bed and the alarm is on for the night) or Tuesday after dinner; with those two choices, I had to take Tuesday evening.

Ah, OK. So she never even bothered to tell you she wasn't going to return them on Sunday? Yeah, that's poor form. You shouldn't have to chase someone for the return of things.

Spring Water on Sundays

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Re: Requesting Return of Lent Items and getting attitude
« Reply #39 on: July 24, 2014, 08:36:06 AM »
Her, "You know, I've had a really hard day" is not indicative of her having a really hard day.  It's her being manipulative.  That's why she led with it.

Exactly. I've had people try to pull this on me. Any sympathy I may have had for their situation went right out the window when they tried to use a family member's medical situation to make me look petty.

Celany

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Re: Requesting Return of Lent Items and getting attitude
« Reply #40 on: July 24, 2014, 09:17:18 AM »
Her, "You know, I've had a really hard day" is not indicative of her having a really hard day.  It's her being manipulative.  That's why she led with it.

Exactly. I've had people try to pull this on me. Any sympathy I may have had for their situation went right out the window when they tried to use a family member's medical situation to make me look petty.

I completely agree that this sounds manipulative, and whether she had a hard day or not, she's getting them back to you daaaaays later than originally promised, so this is about a lot more than one day.

That said...

I think it's best to just ignore and remember for the future.  It seems she had a bad day and was also inferring something negative in your very simple and honest question.  No use in trying to explain yourself that your question was innocuous .  I'd just text her back now and say "Thanks to your hubby for dropping the table and chairs off.  Sorry to hear you had a bad day.  Hope things are better for you and your mom the rest of the week. "  Then, go back to keeping things casual and practice saying no in the future if she asks for other favors.


I really think you should respond like Kaypeep suggested. The reason being, sending a cordial response like that makes it seem like everything is fine on your end, and you're responding in a friendly manner. I'm advocating that because it sounds like you will continue to see this woman socially, so sending a nice, but neutral text back will help diffuse that.

However, about them borrowing things again...from the sound of it, if they're in the same building as you, it sounds like that might be tricky. But if you feel like polishing yourself a nice steely spine, then you should deny all further requests to borrow things in a polite (but very short) way. "No" "Why not?" "Because we're using XXX right now. But maybe Lisa has one. Beandip?"
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

veronaz

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Re: Requesting Return of Lent Items and getting attitude
« Reply #41 on: July 24, 2014, 10:27:22 AM »
I think next time she asks to borrow something, I'd flat out just tell her no.

This.

And I don't see where her mother's cancer has anything to do with it.


sammycat

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Re: Requesting Return of Lent Items and getting attitude
« Reply #42 on: July 24, 2014, 09:57:14 PM »
I think next time she asks to borrow something, I'd flat out just tell her no.

This.

And I don't see where her mother's cancer has anything to do with it.

POD.  I've unfortunately had plenty of experience with terminally sick/dying relatives lately and I don't recall anybody involved using it as a get out of jail free card for obnoxious behaviour.

To answer why I want to keep up appearances - it isn't for her sake, but for our mutual friends' sakes. Basically, being cordial and polite so that they don't have to feel they can't invite both of us to the same event type of thing.  Also, her daughters are close enough in age with my daughters that they share mutual friends and I believe our girls like each other, and while I don't like her, I have no problems with our daughters playing together at school or at someone else's house (I wouldn't arrange for a play date with our girls at her house, and she has too many rules about what her kids can and cannot eat, that I'm not comfortable having them at my house).  I honestly thought lending her the tables and chairs would be no big deal - I gave her more credit than I should have, I guess. 

I understand remaining polite for the reasons you've mentioned, but that doesn't mean you have to do them favours or loan them stuff. I've got people I remain civil too, either because I just don't know them well, or I do know them but don't like them, but it would never occur to me that I needed to do them favours for the sake of mutual friends'.