Author Topic: Not going to tell her  (Read 7594 times)

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yachtchick

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Not going to tell her
« on: July 23, 2014, 09:28:25 AM »
A friend asked me to make her 65th birthday invitation.  I am pretty good on the computer and told her of course.  I was astounded to find this is a BYOB - potluck at a beach that has paid parking.  Just decided I was not going to tell her how many etiquette blunders she is making.  Her only contribution is paying for the shed at the beach. 
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TurtleDove

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Re: Not going to tell her
« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2014, 09:39:49 AM »
A friend asked me to make her 65th birthday invitation.  I am pretty good on the computer and told her of course.  I was astounded to find this is a BYOB - potluck at a beach that has paid parking.  Just decided I was not going to tell her how many etiquette blunders she is making.  Her only contribution is paying for the shed at the beach.

I hope she and her friends and family enjoy the party!  It is perfectly fine to through a potluck party so long as she is not expecting gifts.  Her birthday is an excuse to get together and if people don't want to participate in the potluck they certainly do not have to.

CaffeineKatie

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Re: Not going to tell her
« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2014, 09:43:05 AM »
Good choice, in my opinion.  Now, when she calls and says "Geewhiz, everyone is RSVPing NO--I wonder why?" you could offer advice.

Lynn2000

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Re: Not going to tell her
« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2014, 10:23:08 AM »
Well, it's not what I would do, but I feel like as long as she's honest about the conditions of the party, people can decide whether they want to come or not. So at some point when the invitations go out, she should be letting people know it's BYOB, potluck, paid parking. Are there bathrooms nearby? Does the shed at the beach have furniture? It doesn't sound like a party I would attend, either, but again, if everyone knows the score before RSVPing, at least they're making an informed decision.
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Aquamarine

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Re: Not going to tell her
« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2014, 10:32:02 AM »
I don't have problems with a potluck if it's called that, it's not OK to invite people to a BD party and then at the bottom of the invitation ask them to bring food.  You invite them to a potluck from the get go and I wouldn't use the word birthday on the invitation because that implies presents.  Either have a general potluck for people or a fully hosted birthday party, you get to pick one of the two, you don't get to combine them.
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peaches

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Re: Not going to tell her
« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2014, 11:05:03 AM »
The sad thing to me about invitations like this one is that they discourage people from coming.

If people have to pay for parking, bring a dish, bring a drink, and possibly a birthday gift - that's asking a lot. Where is the hospitality?

The birthday girl may not get a good turnout, and probably will wonder why.

TurtleDove

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Re: Not going to tell her
« Reply #6 on: July 23, 2014, 11:13:34 AM »
The sad thing to me about invitations like this one is that they discourage people from coming.

If people have to pay for parking, bring a dish, bring a drink, and possibly a birthday gift - that's asking a lot. Where is the hospitality?

The birthday girl may not get a good turnout, and probably will wonder why.

For me, if I wanted to celebrate with the birthday girl, I would.  This would not discourage me, unless I already did not want to celebrate with the birthday girl, in which case, not even the fanciest catering would entice me to go. 

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Not going to tell her
« Reply #7 on: July 23, 2014, 11:20:15 AM »
If this were my friend, I'd roll my eyes but RSVP yes.  BYOB and BYOC(hair) is normal in my circle, as well as the host providing the main and the guests bringing the sides and desserts, although when it is a birthday party, you don't normally get asked to bring the sides.

But I wouldn't also bring a gift.  I'd bring either a card or some little handmade item about the value of the card but that would be it.

I think your decision not to tell her is a good one.
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Deetee

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Re: Not going to tell her
« Reply #8 on: July 23, 2014, 12:21:06 PM »
If this was my good friend, I'd go for sure. I wouldn't bring a gift, but I don't do gifts for adults birthdays with very very few exceptions. (Milestone birthday plus I stumble across the perfect gift).

And I don't know anyone who does birthday parties where gifts are expected for adults. The only place I have heard of this is on ehell. (I know some people do give gifts, but absolutely not everyone and it's not expected)

Eeep!

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Re: Not going to tell her
« Reply #9 on: July 23, 2014, 12:36:34 PM »
The sad thing to me about invitations like this one is that they discourage people from coming.

If people have to pay for parking, bring a dish, bring a drink, and possibly a birthday gift - that's asking a lot. Where is the hospitality?

The birthday girl may not get a good turnout, and probably will wonder why.

For me, if I wanted to celebrate with the birthday girl, I would.  This would not discourage me, unless I already did not want to celebrate with the birthday girl, in which case, not even the fanciest catering would entice me to go.



This is pretty much where I fall too.  I admit I would likely eye roll a bit that she went the formal invite route, rather than something a bit more casual. But I think as long as all of the info is available, it's not truly rude.

edited to fix quoting problem. :)
« Last Edit: July 23, 2014, 03:43:08 PM by Eeep! »
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TurtleDove

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Re: Not going to tell her
« Reply #10 on: July 23, 2014, 01:18:56 PM »
And I don't know anyone who does birthday parties where gifts are expected for adults. The only place I have heard of this is on ehell. (I know some people do give gifts, but absolutely not everyone and it's not expected)

Yep.  It would be strange to give a gift to an adult at a birthday party, in my experience. 

Lynn2000

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Re: Not going to tell her
« Reply #11 on: July 23, 2014, 02:43:20 PM »
Agreed, in my personal experience, I don't notice people bringing gifts to adult birthday parties. In fact if I was close enough to the person to have a gift for them, I probably wouldn't give it to them at the party, but would rather save it and give it to them privately--because I would assume few other people are bringing gifts, and I wouldn't want to make the non-gifters feel bad or like they ought to have brought something. Bringing your own food and drink, and paying for your own parking, so you can celebrate with the birthday person is plenty of gift, in my opinion, but not necessarily too much.
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esposita

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Re: Not going to tell her
« Reply #12 on: July 23, 2014, 03:09:16 PM »
If any of my friends did this, I would have zero problems with it. I'm a grown up, I can scout out the parking and the bathrooms and manage to bring food, which I'd need to manage for myself anyway even if I weren't going to a party.

I honestly can't wrap my head around having a friendship with someone who wasn't comfortable inviting me to celebrate their being on the planet another year.

AnnaJ

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Re: Not going to tell her
« Reply #13 on: July 23, 2014, 03:21:01 PM »
Agreeing that I don't see a problem with this party - I see it as a 'let's get together and celebrate' not a hosted party.  If she was my friend, I'd bring a dish and pay for parking and have fun.  Also agree that I don't generally do presents for adult parties, so that wouldn't be a factor.

lollylegs

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Re: Not going to tell her
« Reply #14 on: July 23, 2014, 05:27:58 PM »
In my circle - and I think in Australia in general? - we don't do presents for adult birthdays so guests are usually happy to 'contribute' to the party. I wouldn't raise an eyebrow at an invitation like this, but YMMV.
« Last Edit: July 24, 2014, 12:23:08 AM by lollylegs »