Another Break-Up Thread: Who gets "custody" of friends, places?

[Akarui Kibuno]

No matter what, the friends are the ones who decide which side they take. If Rick wants to invite Molly, so be it. If Molly wants to accept the invitation, she's fine to do so.

Frienship isn't exclusive. You don't sign up to be friends with someone, only to stop talking to their SO if they break up. That would be like telling my friends Greg, Vincent, Joachim, and Guillaume would not talk to me again if Thomas and I split up... after all, he met them first. I would be hurt by that especially for Vincent LOL.

With that said, even if Rick wants to date Molly, she's the only one to decide if she'll accept or not. For example, if my friend Ann told me that I could not date Vincent if I were to split up with Thomas, I would tell her to mind her own business in the nicest way possible, not because I don't care about what she thinks, but because if I'm free and the other is free, why not .

Now, if the only reason Molly accepted was indeed to make Bill jealous, then SHE is the idiot, because if Bill dumped her in a cruel manner, WHY would she want to make him jealous ? To have him back ? For petty revenge she won't even get cause Bill might as well not care at all ?

Heh

[Shores]

I wonder if these friends know they're being divided and allocated as though they're CDs or something with no say in which person they GET to remain friends with.

I'll agree that after a breakup, there's usually a split of friends as well. Silly me, though, I always let the friends choose for themselves rather than dictate who they get to stay friends with. If Rick wants to go out to dinner with the ex and she wants to go as well (regardless of their individual reasons, which are no one's business) then bully for them. They're adults and the idea of someone telling me who I can and can't be friends with is nothing short of bizarre.

And if I want to go to Bar X, I'll go to Bar X every night of the week and show the guy who dumped me "cruelly" exactly what he's missing. If it makes him uncomfortable to see the woman that he hurt so badly, that's his problem.

[tapperjockey]

In a bar, the regular generally has the "right of way" so to speak, Depending on the bar.. if it's a neighborhood tavern it's different than if it's a night club.. but on "Cheersy" bars (which the one I work at is.. Everyone knows your name.. lol..) then generally, they can both be there, but if they are arguing or anything, then regular and ex get kicked out. regular is told to come back another night when they've cooled down, ex is told not to come back.

[Virg]

mm250 wrote:

"Now, I straight up told Molly that this is not fair to Bill.  Rick & Bill have been friends for 15 years, she's known him less than a year.  I think it would be respectful of her to stay away from his friends."

Are all of these people in junior high school?

Honestly, mm250, why would you think that anyone other than the friends themselves get to choose how friendships play out after a breakup?  These people aren't slaves.  They get to choose for themselves whether they'll stay friends with both, one or the other or neither.  If Rick wants to ask Molly out then it's Rick's business.  If Molly wants to use Rick to make Bill jealous, then that's rude, but that's rude to Rick for misusing the friendship.  If Bill has a problem with Rick's behavior then it's between Bill and Rick to solve.  It's not Molly's job to turn down Rick because Bill and Rick knew each other first.

There are no "dibs" on human beings, and treating people as property to be divvied up as though they were part of a prenuptial agreement (or as if they're minors whose custody is someone else's to decide) is rude.

"I just am not comfortable w/ the idea of my ex being friends w/ my friends.  Is that petty?  I mean, I know I can't MAKE them not being friends, but it feels like a betrayal somehow if the break-up is painful."

Whether it's petty or not, it an issue between you and your friends.  If you don't like it, that's fine, but if your friends or your ex disagree with your assessment then you may not label them rude for choosing differently.

Virg

[Just Lori]

I think it comes down to who initiated the breakup and who's hurting.

If you break off the relationship, give the ex some space.  Presumably, the other party is going to be hurt over the breakup and deserves some time and space that's free of you.  Leave his friends and favorite handouts alone so he can nurse his feelings in a familiar spot.  If a friend of his wants to get together, think long and hard about whether the value of the new relationship is worth the hurt it might cause, and go from there.

If you've been dumped, go about your life as best as you can without stalking the ex.  If one of his buddies calls, it's OK to think about it.  But examine your motivations.  If you're genuinely hanging out as friends, that's one thing.  If there's any chance you're using the friend to get back at the ex or make him jealous, then you need to reconsider.  It's not right to use people to play games.

[Chivewarrior]

I think you can be continue to be friends with both. Even in high school, while the entire dorm might label the ex a jerk and stop hanging around with him, we won't condemn anyone else. I got to know my friend's BF well primarily through my friend, but if they were to ever break it off I'd hope that I could remain friends with both of them.

Besides, what makes it the OP's business to be telling Molly who she can and can't hang out with? According to etiquette, informing someone else of their rudeness is also rude. Therefore, the OP was rude by telling Molly that she shouldn't go out for this dinner unless her opinion was specifically solicited.

[alecmari]

And I agree that Rick may have some interest in her.

Which is a crappy thing for Rick to do to his friend Bill.

I disagree.  It would be a crappy thing to do if Molly had dumped/cheated on/etc. Bill and he's the one who is curled up in his room hurting over it.  As it stands it would be more like - what a moron, well then, Bill's loss is my gain!

Personally I wouldn't do this but under the circumstances I don't think its that bad int his case.

[artk2002]

Friends aren't possessions.  You don't get 'custody' of them.  If they choose to remain friends with one, or both of the ex-couple, that's their business.  The ex-couple has NO say in the matter -- they keep their mouths shut.

[poundcake]

And I agree that Rick may have some interest in her.

Which is a crappy thing for Rick to do to his friend Bill.

I disagree.  It would be a crappy thing to do if Molly had dumped/cheated on/etc. Bill and he's the one who is curled up in his room hurting over it.  As it stands it would be more like - what a moron, well then, Bill's loss is my gain!

Personally I wouldn't do this but under the circumstances I don't think its that bad int his case.

No, sorry. Friends shouldn't date friends' exes. Especially not right after a breakup. That's crappy. And no hairsplitting about "But what if they really like each other?!" or "If he's upset about it, then he's the one with the problem!" makes it less crappy. That's not something that any friend should do to another.

[snowball's chance]

Besides, what makes it the OP's business to be telling Molly who she can and can't hang out with? According to etiquette, informing someone else of their rudeness is also rude. Therefore, the OP was rude by telling Molly that she shouldn't go out for this dinner unless her opinion was specifically solicited.

My opinion was solicited.  Between the dinner invitation, and Molly calling to tell me about it, Bill had already found out about the dinner from another friend.  Molly said to me, "Can you believe Bill told me I'm being unfair?!"  And that's when I said, well, actually, yeah, I'd be uncomfortable if you went out to dinner w/ him the same night I broke w/ ______ (my ex-BF's name).  Then Molly said, "I can't believe he's mad at Rick, he's just jealous."  And I asked her, "Well, isn't that part of the reason you accepted the invitation [to make him jealous]?."  And she said, "Yeah, that's part of it."

[Lisbeth]

And I agree that Rick may have some interest in her.

Which is a crappy thing for Rick to do to his friend Bill.

I think that once a breakup happens, there is no "custody" situation except as concerns children and mutually owned property.  The former couple has to work out whatever relationships they feel are right for them with persons, places, and all else that they were involved with as a couple. 

If Bill doesn't like that his friend and ex want to be together, he has to let it go and get on with his life, as does everyone else in this scenario.  Holding grudges and saying "Off limits" is immature and won't work anyway.  How would any of us like an ex telling us whom to see or spend time with or being judged over it?  I know I wouldn't put up with it for a minute.

[Texas Mom]

And I agree that Rick may have some interest in her.

Which is a crappy thing for Rick to do to his friend Bill.

Why?

Bill threw Molly away.

[Lynn]

Friends aren't possessions!

I became friendly with a woman a few years ago whose husband had dumped her for a woman he worked with, publicly, at a party they were giving, in front of all their friends.  She did not see it coming and was totally stunned.

One of his single friends had admired her silently for years and after my friend's husband divorced her and married the coworker, he asked her out.  They eventually got married and have been very, very happy ever since and a big part of it is how much they value and appreciate each other.

The idea that either of them should have cared two hoots if the ex husband was made uncomfortable by their dating seems ridiculous to me.

[Twik]

And I agree that Rick may have some interest in her.

Which is a crappy thing for Rick to do to his friend Bill.

Why? If Bill has been a jerk, why should Rick and Molly not have a chance to be happy?

It would be different if Molly had cruelly broken up with Bill. But if Bill doesn't want her any more, why should it bother him if someone else does?

[poundcake]

It also depends on who got dumped and who did the dumping. For instance, a co-worker of mine, "Sammy," got dumped by his fiancee, "Denise" (they'd been together almost ten years). Sammy's best friend since high school, "Vince", then pursued Denise, not unlike this Bill/Rick situation, offering "dinner to cheer her up" and "someone to talk to" because "she's still my friend too!" Within a matter of weeks, Vince and Denise have decided to move in together because "she doesn't have anyplace else to go" and Denise is telling everyone she knows (including me) that she and Vince are soulmates and this whole situation has been destined because they're meant to be together. The two of them disrespected Sammy horribly! For months after, Denise and Vince would show up at places where they new Sammy would be (often with a group of us co-workers who'd gone out for a beer). Sammy would usually make a polite excuse and leave when things got to be too much (D & V liked to engage in showy face sucking marathons), but was always very classy about it. Denise and Vince, on the other hand, really seemed to enjoy trying to taunt Sammy, and when anyone called them on their crappy behavior, they'd make a big too-do about "they aren't together any more!" and "Sammy's just jealous and bitter!"

You know the saying, with friends like that, who needs enemies? After watching all of that unfold, I refuse to make excuses for friends who hook up with friends' exes. It's crappy.

(Lucky for Sammy, Denise and Vince eventually moved away, and two years later, after some dates that went nowhere, Sammy met a sweet woman while training for a marathon. They're getting married in the spring.)