Another Break-Up Thread: Who gets "custody" of friends, places?

[JoyinVirginia]

Now, I straight up told Molly that this is not fair to Bill.  Rick & Bill have been friends for 15 years, she's known him less than a year.  I think it would be respectful of her to stay away from his friends. Am I selfish for thinking when you break up w/ someone, out of respect, you break up w/ their friends (that you met through SO, not mutual friends)? 

Assuming all those involved are adults, the friends are not the property of anyone and can make up their own minds if they want to continue a freindship or not with one or both of a couple that have later broken up.
Joy in Virginia

[sparksals]

I went through something similar during my divorce except it was my friends from long before my ex came into the picture that chose sides.  The ex gave an Academy Award performance of the poor dumped victim and they fell for it.  I felt extremely hurt and betrayed that my so-called friends would believe him and judge me. 

After about a year, they saw his true colours and apologized to me, but it was too little, too late.  He used their sympathy as a ploy to get information about me to the point of stalking me.  They now have nothing to do with him and I have little to do with them. 

Many times, when the ex stays involved with the friends, no matter which friends they are, it is not to be friends, but it is to serve their own vengeful purpose.  His constant involvement in their lives caused me major problems in the divorce.  They unknowingly would tell him things about me that I didn't want him to know.  He totally used them for his own purposes.

I have never been one to stay friends with both sides.  My Best friend left her husband a few years ago.  While I liked him as a person, my loyalty is first to her and I wouldn't even think of pursuing a friendship with him.  If I ran into him on the street, I would speak to him, be pleasant and have a casual conversation, but that's it. 

I choose the people with whom I was friends first.  I never went out of my way to contact the ex's friends, but he certainly did the complete opposite. 

People not wanting to choose sides can unknowingly cause major harm or obstacles to an already stressful and sticky situation.   

[Gambitgirl]

i stay the heck out of the friend "custody battles" and let the friends decide it themselves...that should sort out who are your friends, his friends, and who is mature enough to remain friends with both of you. the friends are adults, presumably, and therefore able and enetitled to make up their own minds about IF they want to take sides after a breakup.

those who go with him might hurt your feelings, esp. if you felt close to come of them, but that is their decision to make. and if the friends divided based on the two exes bad-mouthing or gossping about each other...well the exes deserve whomever winds up in their camp.

no matter how nastily an ex has treated me i don't bad mouth him to mutal friends (only to my close gal pals who i know always have my back and wouldn't repeat it so it gets back to him). if ex chooses to bad mouth me, well i have no control over that, and i have no control over whethere people believe him or not....i won't get down in the mud with him to snatch mutual friends from his grasp. if they choose believe any nastiness he says about me over their own experiences and friendship with me, then oh well guess they aren't my friends and not ones i'd want anyways....but yeh, it can still hurt if people you care about but you off b/c you broke up with an SO. but that's life, we just learn to move on.

[Gambitgirl]

p.s. places? no one gets custody of any public places. you go where you want, when you want, and with whom you want....resturants, clubs, bars, etc. unless your or his name in one the owner's paper for the property then no one gets to claim it. i don't give a flip who is a regular and who is a new person to the public bar or whatever. if you want to go into the ex's regular bar you should feel free too...but you should also be prepared for any silly drama that follows as a result of you "treading on his/her regular turf."

if exes could claim spots pretty much every place i like to frequent in town would be off-limts to my exes, which would mean they'd either have to move or become a hermit, and that's just ridiculous.

[Twik]

And I agree that Rick may have some interest in her.

Which is a crappy thing for Rick to do to his friend Bill.

I disagree.  It would be a crappy thing to do if Molly had dumped/cheated on/etc. Bill and he's the one who is curled up in his room hurting over it.  As it stands it would be more like - what a moron, well then, Bill's loss is my gain!

Personally I wouldn't do this but under the circumstances I don't think its that bad int his case.

No, sorry. Friends shouldn't date friends' exes. Especially not right after a breakup. That's crappy. And no hairsplitting about "But what if they really like each other?!" or "If he's upset about it, then he's the one with the problem!" makes it less crappy. That's not something that any friend should do to another.

Why? Why should the friend who dumped someone then act like a dog in the manger?

Sorry, I can see the problem if a friend takes up with someone who's been horrible to you. THAT'S a betrayal. But to start to date someone who has never done YOU any harm? Someone who you probably told on the way out the door, "I really hope you find someone to make you happy (because it's not gonna be me)"? Other than a rather obscene sexual jealousy, I can't see the harm.

[Ondine]

It also depends on who got dumped and who did the dumping. For instance, a co-worker of mine, "Sammy," got dumped by his fiancee, "Denise" (they'd been together almost ten years). Sammy's best friend since high school, "Vince", then pursued Denise, not unlike this Bill/Rick situation, offering "dinner to cheer her up" and "someone to talk to" because "she's still my friend too!" Within a matter of weeks, Vince and Denise have decided to move in together because "she doesn't have anyplace else to go" and Denise is telling everyone she knows (including me) that she and Vince are soulmates and this whole situation has been destined because they're meant to be together. The two of them disrespected Sammy horribly! For months after, Denise and Vince would show up at places where they new Sammy would be (often with a group of us co-workers who'd gone out for a beer). Sammy would usually make a polite excuse and leave when things got to be too much (D & V liked to engage in showy face sucking marathons), but was always very classy about it. Denise and Vince, on the other hand, really seemed to enjoy trying to taunt Sammy, and when anyone called them on their crappy behavior, they'd make a big too-do about "they aren't together any more!" and "Sammy's just jealous and bitter!"

You know the saying, with friends like that, who needs enemies? After watching all of that unfold, I refuse to make excuses for friends who hook up with friends' exes. It's crappy.

(Lucky for Sammy, Denise and Vince eventually moved away, and two years later, after some dates that went nowhere, Sammy met a sweet woman while training for a marathon. They're getting married in the spring.)

Sammy's case was pretty sad, but not all cases are like this. Denise and Vince are acting like high school kids who need to create drama in their otherwise boring lives - or maybe Denise feels the need to rub it in Sammy's face because she wants him to see that she's doing 'oh so much better'. Here's the thing - she wouldn't do that if she was confident in herself. My guess is that she feels like a loser, has probably been told she's a loser by Sammy's friends, and needs to go on and on about Vince to justify her actions.

I have an ex that I am still friends with - we parted on good terms and even worked together for four years. We still talk and do coffee. Would we ever date again? No, we realized that we're better friends than partners. Would I have a problem with him dating one of my friends? No, he's a nice guy who would treat a girl well - he's just not the right guy for me.

I think the biggest issue with dating an ex/being friends with someone's ex is this: as long as no one is trashing the ex, then it's no problem. If the friend is listening to one person trash the other or trashing the person with that friend, then going and telling the ex or trashing the other person, then there's a problem. In that case, this person isn't a friend. I think you can still be friends with an ex's friends, as long as no one is badmouthing the other.