CRUD MONKEYS!!!! I wonder what the OP would have thought of my wedding? Keep in mind that it was pretty much as "traditional" as we could afford...
There were even no decorations in the wedding area.
We had very few decorations, just a couple of bouquets near the altar.
Most of the guests wore black.
Heck, my entire wedding party (except for me) wore black! I thought the black-and-white look was very elegant, and since my wedding party was small enough I didn't have to worry about people matching, they were able to use things they already had instead of buying something special. (I didn't really like the idea of telling somebody else what they had to buy for my wedding anyway.)
Some even had black hair and makeup.
I'm sure we had at least a few people with black hair, and even mine can look black in certain lights. So sorry I didn't bleach it for the ceremony, or ask my guests to do so!
There was NO clear MOH or BM.
I guess we did have a clear MOH and BM, but only because there was only one attendant on each side!
The pastor was old, he looked about five minutes away from disintegration.
Our wedding was the last our pastor did before retiring. I wasn't aware that having an elderly pastor was a faux pas.
There was no champagne, instead they had a lot of red wine to drink and toast with.
No champagne for us, either. We didn't even have wine because:
1. I was not of legal drinking age,
2. The place where we had our reception prohibited it, and
3. We realized most of our guests (and ourselves) would be making long drives immediately afterward, and didn't want to take any risks with drunk driving.
There was no planned seating arrangement, they barely had tables.
I'm not sure I've ever been to a wedding with a strictly planned seating arrangement for those not actually in the wedding party.
Anyway, the point is, it seems like the OP would manage to find something wrong with pretty much any wedding, even one where the participants made an active effort to be traditional!