IMed Invites

[Chivewarrior]

Does a casual "Oh, that reminds me, do you want to go see Wicked with me when it comes back to [City]?" during a discussion of Phantom of the Opera on IM constitute an asking out datewise? Because MaleFriend seems to think it does and started going on about context of how he sees me. Essentially, that he doesn't see me as a potential date.

I'm trying to figure out how he got to that... while it might be disappointing that he doesn't see me as a potential date, I didn't ask him out and I think he's jumping to conclusions here. I asked if we could postpone the discussion until we could continue in person (on Wednesday at school). And isn't it very rude to just start going on to a girl about how you're not into her over IM? I don't call him except to invite him to something, and that's happened all of twice, the first one was something he couldn't go to. He asked for my IM screenname, not the other way around. It's not like I'm having stalker tendancies or anything. (After Sexual Harrassment Boy, I'm being very careful about how much interest I display.)

I just think it's terribly callous to start going on about how you don't see someone as a potential date via IM unless they're the sort of person you don't dare get close to in public.

[Shoo]

I think your friend is letting you know that he doesn't want to date you.  You basically did ask him out, even if you don't view it that way.

He could employ a little more tact, I think, but in the long run, it's better that he's up front with you about how he's (not) feeling, just in case there's a little more to it on your side.  If you were to have a talk with him and assure him that you're not interested in him "in that way" maybe he would feel more comfortable and then the two of you could venture out together once in a while. 

It also sounds like he may be sort of immature, and can't separate friendship from romantic relationship.  If that's the case, maybe you should scratch him off your list of friends to do things with.

[edenparadox]

I think maybe he didn't realize you were into him until recently for some reason and it maybe made him nervous. I didn't really want to say anything because I figured someone with more experience than me would but Jewish tradition is pretty insular. Especially in religious families, dating a non Jew is not something you ever consider doing (even in secular families it can be a problem) and it probably didn't even occur to him that you are looking for that with him.

This of course doesn't excuse his immature response but sometimes boys (and girls) panic and do stupid things.

[Ondine]

I agree with Shoo - even though it's just a harmless 'hey, do you want to see this with me?' a lot of guys translate that into a date, whether that's how you see it or not. If you had said "Hey, there's a bunch of us who are going to see Wicked this weekend, did you want to come along?" the guy may have not felt compelled to tell you how he thought your relationship stood - friend or date wise.

So what's the big difference? In the second scenario, it's a group thing - there's no pressure to look nice, no fear of being alone with someone you're unsure about dating, and it's just a more relaxed atmosphere. In the first scenario, it implies the two of you being alone together - this, especially to a guy who is still testing the waters to see if there is any potential that you two may date, is very freaky. (not you, the idea of going on a date alone). You'll be in a theatre together, alone, it's dark, and well..... not saying you would do this, but some girls may take things too far.

I think it could have been handled better than an instant message, but my thinking is that when you suggested going out together (even though it's just to a play), he needed to explain things now, before something happened that he didn't want.

I also agree that this friend has an issue with separating friendship from a romantic relationship.

If he's someone you still consider a good friend, why not ask him to join a group of friends for bowling, a movie night, etc? That way, he doesn't feel the pressure to go on a 'date' per se, but then he can also see the difference between these two relationships, and who knows? He may just take you up on your offer next time.

[Hawkwatcher]

I generally think that giving these speeches is rude and counterproductive for many reasons.  From what I can tell the OP was not asking this guy on a date, so giving this unsolicited speech makes him look arrogant.  The instant message could make him look worse if she decided to share it with their mutual friends. 

Even if she was asking him out on a date, giving her a dissertation on why he is not interested is rude.  For many people, it takes a lot of courage to ask another person on a date.  For most of these people, a simple "no" will suffice.  Unless the asker is foolish enough to ask "why?" I do not think it is necessary or polite to give them a long speech because that will only make them feel worse. 






     

[lilfaerhie]

I generally think that giving these speeches is rude and counterproductive for many reasons.  From what I can tell the OP was not asking this guy on a date, so giving this unsolicited speech makes him look arrogant.  The instant message could make him look worse if she decided to share it with their mutual friends. 

Even if she was asking him out on a date, giving her a dissertation on why he is not interested is rude.  For many people, it takes a lot of courage to ask another person on a date.  For most of these people, a simple "no" will suffice.  Unless the asker is foolish enough to ask "why?" I do not think it is necessary or polite to give them a long speech because that will only make them feel worse. 

that's what i think too. anyone who isn't really arrogant wouldn't see that as a date. it was a casual "hey how bout it sometime" in the middle of a conversation. whether or not its a "date" depends on how the evening goes.

the only good spin i can put on this is that perhaps he accepted such an invite once from a different girl, she assumed they were dating, he didn't, and it became a huge dramatic mess. its still stupid to assume the same would happen with the OP, though.

[Twik]

One major difference between men and women (in the broadest terms) is that men feel much less social pressure to socialize with the opposite sex they have no romantic interest in "to be nice". This leads men to be what women consider brutally blunt, while men consider women's responses ("Oh sure, I'd love to go out with you sometimes - but not today, I'm, um, er, dusting the undersides of the dining set.") to be confusing and misleading.

[Gambitgirl]

i would say "i get it, this is not a date. i thought it would be nice to see the show with a friend, but if you're uncomfortable then i'll invite someone else. i just assumed you'd like to see the show since you like musicials." then withdraw the invitation...he's kinda being a jerk going on and on about it not being a date.

[bopper]

I think he was just trying to set parameters...your "invitation" could be construed as determining interest in a date.  This way he was just stating his intentions so nobody gets the wrong idea.

[snowball's chance]

Aren't you in h.s.?  Because when I was (and I was a theater kid), going to see a play w/ someone of the opposite sex was not something most h.s. kids could afford to do.  If you had asked him to go for coffee or something, that'd be one thing.

If a guy in h.s. had asked me to go to a professional theater for a play, I'd assume it was a date, and also that he would be really into me, b/c in my area tix for Wicked and other shows like that are pretty spendy.

[Deetee]

Going against the grain,

From this and your other posts it seems you do care for him "that way". From his response, it seems obvious to me that he picked up that vibe from you and felt the need to be very clear about how he feels about you. I know this is brutal, but you mentioned before that a guy you had liked before told you he felt harrassed (or maybe told a friend?).

I think you are having trouble picking up "not interested that way" signals from the guys you like and this is forcing them to be more direct with you than is strictly kind.

[Chivewarrior]

I think you are having trouble picking up "not interested that way" signals from the guys you like and this is forcing them to be more direct with you than is strictly kind.

Oh, with the other guy everyone who knows the full story thinks he overreacted- especially since I told him I was interested and he led me to believe he might become so in the future rather than just telling me he wasn't. (It's not just me, even the girl who was his girlfriend at the time he was claiming harassment thinks it was the wrong thing for him to do and that I wasn't harassing him.)

With this one, his friends told me that they thought he was interested, so if he was sending out "not interested" signals, he wasn't sending them strongly enough for ANYONE to read. Again, not just me.