Doesn't S/He Make YOU Want One?

[cheyne]

This was actually asked of me about 6 months ago.  (For the record, I have 2 kids, 17 & 10 years old.) 

My reply, "Of course I want another, a grandchild, in about 10 years."  That shut the questioner up, right smart! 

[mrsbrandt]

My friend always manages to answer with, "Very briefly" when people ask if she wants a baby.  Then she just up and changes the subject.  It is a very rude and common question - I've actually gotten it in response to people's pets too.  We were visiting a friend's new kitten and someone asked me, Dontcha want one?  I think the look on my face allowed her to do the shutting up and changing the subject all by herself.

It's a good rule of thumb to just admire cuteness and not bring the don't you want one bit into it.  FWIW I have a DD already and I cringe everytime I hear someone ask someone else that question.  Pets/children aren't meant for everyone and not everyone wants one or the other.

[Emmy]

THe situation: Person is holding or passing a baby and gushing over it (their baby or someone else's), then thye turn to you and go "isn't he the cutest thing! Doesn't he make YOU want one of your own?!"

My response tends to be along the lines of "Well he sure IS cute" and TRY to leave it at that,
rather than the rather more truthful
"Well he IS cute, and if I were a person who wanted kids, maybe..."
or the much more truthfull,
"Cute, maybe, but I still prefer a cat"
and the REALLY truthfull,
""Cute?yes. Want one myself? HECK (not the word I would have chosen) NO!"

I find this question kind of annoying, because it runs the risk of someone being forced to lie about their own perosnal preferences for themself or being 'rude'.

Anyone else have this problem?

Somebody told me a family isn't complete without children.  I don't think that is true.  Although my husband and I are undecided right now (if we do have children we'd wait a few years), I find that statement insulting to couples who can't have children or who are simply happy without them.  I am 30 and my DH just turned 34 so we also have people telling us we should have children 'soon' if we want to have them which is also very annoying.  It is so easy for people to inquire and tell other people they should have children or when to have them, like it is some small decision, but they are not the ones who will be putting in the time, expense, and everything else into raising them.

Some snappy awnsers for this question.

1.  "Sure, he/she is cute now.  But to judge how cute he/she is overall, I also need to see him/her with a dirty diaper, waking me up every three hours during the middle of the night, and spitting up on my good clothes.  Better yet, I'll see how cute the baby is when he/she enters the terrible 2's"
2.  "Let's make a deal, I'd be glad to have a baby, but you have to babysit whenever I want and contribute to their college fun.  Give me a $10,000 advance and we'll start trying for one."
3.  "No way!  If I get pregnant, I'd have a big belly for bikini season."
4.  "Well, the baby sure is cute; however I don't want to contribute to the world's overpopulation problem."
5.  "Can you explain why my having children is so important to you?"


Usually I just awnser truthfully, my DH and I have only been married for less than a year and children are way down the road if we decide to have them at all.  I also mention we are very happy with each other and enjoy our free time, a full nights rest, vacations, and romantic dinners out and we aren't ready to give that up soon.

[Sterling]

Warning I have nothing aginst young parents just this couple

My step nephew is 21.  His girl friend ended up pregnate so they got married.  they fight non-stop and are always "getting a divorce" they spend no time with the baby.  My sister kept the child for a while but then his wife got mad at her and put the baby in day care all day.  Niether of them works so I don;t see why the baby can't be at home.  she is 1/2 now.  Last week we heard the wife is pregnate agian.  They both complain all the time about how they have this one child and now they are about to have a second.

Now what does this have to do with the topic?  They use to ask me to baby sit a lot.  Nephew would had me the baby and say "don't you want one of these?"  He knows my BF and I are not married yet but he kept asking if I was going to go ahead and start with the babies.  He even mentioned how I was getting older.  I'm 26.

no I don't want one and I don;t want strangers asking why I don't want one.  I usually tell people "Babies are so cute" and do the baby talk smooshy thing.  With him I just got rude and said I have a full exciting life and am working on my career.  I don;t have time for a child.  He called me selfish.  this from a man who gets mad that he has to "baby sit" his child while his wife is out.

[kingsrings]

Comments like that make me cringe. Some of us did want kids and it didn't work out. Others never wanted kids. Either way, it's a rude and potentially explosive thing to say.

Exactly. I wish that people would remember just how painful making comments like that can be. I have friends who are not able to have children even though they would love to, and comments like that are heartbreaking to them. That is just not a little, flippant comment to some.

Myself, I do want children some day, but I'm just not the type who gushes over other people's kids. They don't do anything to me. My own someday will do it for me, but I don't feel anything towards other people's kids.

[itiswhatitisn't]

I like other people's kids.  I also like giving them back.  But pregnancy has historically been a difficult thing to achieve in my family.  I think it will be a long road and I'm not going to tell people when I start.  Not to mention I think I'm not going to be one of the glowing pregnancy people and why should I rush into something that can be wonderful, but with a lot of my friends it was a very long 9 months.  I need to be at a point in my career that I can take time off and my future not suffer as that's how I plan to feed my kids. 

MIL asked about kids until DH told me she was asking.  We were married for 6 months.  She's retiring and wants to be a grandma.  Congrats on retirement.  "I am not breeding for your amusement.  Kids will happen when they happen."  I guess that would be my answer.  And it is a very rude question.

[melodrama]

Especially if one person (ie me) desperately wants a baby, but has a husband who is not quite sure.  Do they really really want me to spill the beans on that one?

Well, exactly.  My BF's parents are constantly asking me this, every time we visit his baby nephew.  I do want kids.  Their son does not want any more kids (he has two)  They know all of this...but they think it's funny to ask anyway.  My stock answer is
"Well, that's not really something I can do by myself."

[HogwartsAlum]

I get that too. I like babies a lot, so when someone brings one around, I will talk to him or her, hold them, etc.  I just think they're really cute.

When someone says that, I usually just say, "I prefer cats; they don't outgrow their shoes every six months."

[Clara Bow]

Every SIX months?? Try three months!
It kills me to think what that question must be like for infertile couples, or couples who just lost a child. When my friend Jan miscarried I was hesitant to go see her because I was vastly pregnant myself and I kind of felt like that was the last thing she needed to see. She was sweet enough to give me a baby shower the very next month and called me every day to ask how I was and how the pregnancy was going. You know, I cannot imagine how hard that must have been for her.

[HogwartsAlum]

Every SIX months?? Try three months!
It kills me to think what that question must be like for infertile couples, or couples who just lost a child. When my friend Jan miscarried I was hesitant to go see her because I was vastly pregnant myself and I kind of felt like that was the last thing she needed to see. She was sweet enough to give me a baby shower the very next month and called me every day to ask how I was and how the pregnancy was going. You know, I cannot imagine how hard that must have been for her.

LOL! You're right, it would be sooner than six months for a baby.

And you're also right that it would be very painful.  That's another one of those questions people make fools of themselves with because they don't know what the situation is with the other person!
Your friend Jan sounds like a very good person.

[Pixie]

Do I want one?   Yes, desperately.
Can I have one?  No, not possible.

I once answered, "I understand you have to be exposed.... since Hubby has been overseas for 4months and will be gone another 4 months, I don't think he'd be real happy if I got pregnant now."  I LIKE being married.

[Venus193]

Some snappy awnsers for this question.

1.  "Sure, he/she is cute now.  But to judge how cute he/she is overall, I also need to see him/her with a dirty diaper, waking me up every three hours during the middle of the night, and spitting up on my good clothes.  Better yet, I'll see how cute the baby is when he/she enters the terrible 2's"
2.  "Let's make a deal, I'd be glad to have a baby, but you have to babysit whenever I want and contribute to their college fun.  Give me a $10,000 advance and we'll start trying for one."
3.  "No way!  If I get pregnant, I'd have a big belly for bikini season."
4.  "Well, the baby sure is cute; however I don't want to contribute to the world's overpopulation problem."
5.  "Can you explain why my having children is so important to you?"

I love that last one.  Anyone who uses that, please report the reactions.  At my age I don't get this obnoxious question anymore.

[WithoutIssue]

Comments like that make me cringe. Some of us did want kids and it didn't work out. Others never wanted kids. Either way, it's a rude and potentially explosive thing to say.

At work it is well known that I do not like children (nor does hubby) and that we are happily childfree.  don not make a big deal about it, simply answer people honestly if they ask. I work with another woman (F) who very much wants but cannot have children, we understand each other and have mutual sympathy for the nosy questions others tend to ask.

At one stage work went through a baby-boom and of course new parents brought their babies into work. At first some people thought it was fun to 'tease' me by rushing up to me with the baby and shoving it in my face. (we work open plan) They knew it made me uncomfortable but as the only openly childfree woman there I was considered a bit weird. After a few icy "Please don't" requests and icy glares the message got through to all but one persistent offender (W). Eventually after one particularly obnoxious effort by 'W' I took her aside (after she had returned the baby to its mum of course) and told her that whilst she thought it was fun teasing me me did she not realise that every time she did she was upsetting 'F'. Making a big deal of pushing a baby and parenthood onto someone who clearly did not want it was a slap in the face to 'F' who could not have a baby even thought she wanted one so badly.

The baby games stopped.

[Lunadiana75]

My response is a blank look, a couple of blinks and a deadpan "no."

[sammycat]

I feel badly for the person who desperately wants one and is unable to have one who's asked that question. Once again, it's a case of people asking too many personal questions.

Been there, had that done to me - the first time was 2 weeks after I'd lost my first baby as it was ectopic.  I do have 2 children now thanks to fertility treatment but for a while there that looked like an impossibility so I am careful to never ever say anything like that to anyone as (general) you never know the reasons why someone is childless.  Whether it's voluntary or infertility is no one's business but the couple involved.  Now that I have 2 people ask if I'm having any more.    I'd love more but it's not possible and with most people I'm quite open with why I can't, but occasionally someone will rub me up the wrong way and I just say "no" without further information.