How to encourage a single friend?

[auroratudor]

I have a very good friend, 24 years old, who has been single for two years. Before that she was in a 2 year relationship which ended when the guy up and left the country without telling her; he has never talked to her since (she has had some therapy and tried to work through the pain of that).

Anyway, she had been very picky about men since then and even though many have shown interest nothing ever goes anywhere. She is about to make a huge life choice (that I and many people close to her feel is a mistake) simply because she does not have a boyfriend.

How does one talk to someone who is so very depressed about being single? Is there really anything I can say to make her feel better? I want her to be happy and make positive choices in her life and not base everything on having a man!

[Twik]

Assuming professional therapists couldn't help, I'm not sure you can do anything.

And I'm confused about what this girl is doing/feeling. She's depressed about not having a boyfriend, but she's "picky" about many who have shown interest in her? In some ways, I'd consider that a lot healthier than grabbing the first guy she sees.

[blarg314]

It's hard to say based on the description.

'Picky' can mean anything from repelling any and all men as a defensive mechanism, but not realising that is what you are doing, to having an unrealistically detailed script for what you want in a man (must be at least 6'4", dark haired, green eyed, likes acid jazz and clog dancing and plays the cello) and then complaining because you don't meet anyone suitable, to not being willing to accept 'male, single, carbon based life form' as sufficient criteria to date someone.

Does she feel she should have a boyfriend because that is what is expected and 'normal', or to counter a low self esteem, or does she genuinely want romantic companionship for its own sake?

What sort of major decision are we talking about?  Are we talking about moving across the country for a new job and change of scenery, or are we talking major decisions of the 'taking holy orders, mail order husband, visiting a sperm bank' variety? 

[auroratudor]

Basically, a whole bunch of different types of men have shown interest in her. Do I think any of them were marriage material for her? No. But many could have been very decent boyfriends.

She is Chinese and has been in England for 8.5 years. Her student visa (for her MA) runs out in a few months. She is planning on going back to China PURELY for the reason she does not have a boyfriend. She admits that she likes England better and feels more at home here/more western than Chinese. When she goes to China for visits she is always happy to come back and would love to stay here.

If she got a job here now (which would be easy as she is a tri-lingual female engineer with a BA and MA) and stayed for just one more year she could apply to get a British passport. Then she could live here or in China, whichever she wanted. If she leaves now she will break her residency and have a very, very hard time getting back in the country if she decided she wanted to return.

Even she admits the only reason she wants to go back is because there her parents would "arrange" a relationship for her (I had no idea they still did this in parts of China until she told me). So basically, she will leave the place she has lived for almost a decade, the place she sees as home, and the place she could become a dual citizen of in a year, because she does not have a boyfriend. That is what she herself says.

So my question was basically, if you have been in a situation where you have been really sad being single what did people say to help you fell better? Did anything work?

[Gambitgirl]

Basically, a whole bunch of different types of men have shown interest in her. Do I think any of them were marriage material for her? No. But many could have been very decent boyfriends.

She is Chinese and has been in England for 8.5 years. Her student visa (for her MA) runs out in a few months. She is planning on going back to China PURELY for the reason she does not have a boyfriend. She admits that she likes England better and feels more at home here/more western than Chinese. When she goes to China for visits she is always happy to come back and would love to stay here.

If she got a job here now (which would be easy as she is a tri-lingual female engineer with a BA and MA) and stayed for just one more year she could apply to get a British passport. Then she could live here or in China, whichever she wanted. If she leaves now she will break her residency and have a very, very hard time getting back in the country if she decided she wanted to return.

Even she admits the only reason she wants to go back is because there her parents would "arrange" a relationship for her (I had no idea they still did this in parts of China until she told me). So basically, she will leave the place she has lived for almost a decade, the place she sees as home, and the place she could become a dual citizen of in a year, because she does not have a boyfriend. That is what she herself says.

So my question was basically, if you have been in a situation where you have been really sad being single what did people say to help you fell better? Did anything work?

making giant life decisions based solely on your single status are bad. she's probably thinking it's being in England that's keeping her single b/c she has to handle her dating life herself, so she wants to surrender control of her dating life to her parents in China b/c it's easier. that's pretty sad actually, and i would encourage her to get some therapy in the UK that might help keep her there...since she admits she likes England better. i doubt going back to China will make her happier.

i'm sorry your friend is having a tough time, and i don't know if anything i said helps, but there ya go.

[Twik]

Is this really an "I need a man" thing or "I'm feeling detached from my roots, and want to go back to reestablish them?"

I'm pretty sure that if she wanted an arranged marriage, her parents could probably find plenty of Chinese men who would be quite happy to travel to the West to marry her.

[blarg314]

There are additional problems for an Asian woman while dating western men.  I am currently living in Taiwan, and the stereotype of the Asian Girlfriend is really, really, strong.  Basically, the idea is that a Taiwanese girlfriend will be beautiful, fashionable, sweet, skinny, eager to please, slightly submissive, etc.  The girls who are actively chasing western men play up to this stereotype, and a lot of the Western guys are looking for that sort of partner. But, not all Taiwanese women are like that.

So there may be the additional problem of men hitting on her because they see her in light of this stereotype, rather than actually looking at her as a person they might be interested in for her personality and interests.

[bopper]

She may be getting alot of pressure from her family, if she is Chinese.  Ask her how much of this is her idea and how much is her family's.   

[Sibby]

I would encourage her to move - just not back to China, instead within England (or to Northern Ireland or Scotland if those places would still count towards her residency).  Be supportive and say "why not try the inn country change of senary and then after a year if you are still depressed then get your dual and go back to China."

One of the best ways to pull out of a depression is to get out of your comfort zone into a new place, literally.  Whether that means simply leaving the house and not sitting on the sofa all day or getting a new job or a new apt or a new city, so be it.  But change, especially a safe yet radical change can really help with depression. 

Moving to a new city would change the source of her stress - instead of being stressed over being single she would have the stress of navigating a new area (finding all new stores, dry cleaners, routes to work, happy hours, etc) and would  also in a casual way force her to date randomly - lets face it when you are new to an area sometimes you think you are just "hanging out" with friends but halfway through the evening yo realise you are on  double date or something random).