News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • November 24, 2017, 10:31:56 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....  (Read 91546 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

postalslave

  • Member
  • Posts: 94
I got thinking about this. A lot of people use the excuse of "Well my friends didn't say anything so they didn't mind!" when justifying poor etiquette. It made me think of times when I was offended but too polite to say anything (maybe I just need a shinier spine?) anyone else run into this? Here's my example:

Went to a coworkers wedding, bought an expensive gift off their registry and gave cash as well. No thank you note sent, not even a mention of "hey thanks for the gift" at work. Never said anything but was pretty irked.

What say you? What etiquette blunder have you been passed but didn't mention?


siamesecat2965

  • Member
  • Posts: 9088
Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2014, 09:17:33 AM »
For me, its also thank you notes. I was brought up you always send them. While I hated doing them, I always did (my mother made sure of it!)

I went to a friend's baby shower, and bought a nice gift. And then nothing. Which is why I'm not too upset at not being (or so I think) invited to the christening. My other friends who were invited think its weird, and that I should call her, but I figure one of two things happened. I was invited, and my invite got lost, or I wasn't. I'm not all that close to her, although other events, showers, and her wedding, I was invited to.

MY one friend said the mom told her only x number were invited, but she didn't know who. But I'm not really upset,and am kind of relieved.

lowspark

  • Member
  • Posts: 5482
Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2014, 09:18:07 AM »
My two biggest, well I'll call them 'pet peeves', which fall in this category are not receiving a thank you note (like you) and people who breach the "RSVP" request.

I'll elaborate on the RSVP because there are two separate offenses here.
1. Not bothering to reply. People who do this repeatedly to me (2-3 times) get dropped from my invitation list for future events. It communicates to me that they have no interest in attending my parties so, why bother to invite them?
2. People who cancel at the last minute. Yes, I know, things happen. But I've been told "sorry, I had a long day doing "fun thing" and now I'm too tired to come to your party," or similar excuse.

Of course I don't say anything to the offender, but it's rude.

On the TY note issue, I just don't give any more gifts to those people. I figure they don't need or appreciate what I gave them, so why give more? But again, I just keep my mouth shut.
Houston 
Texas 
USA 

Lynn2000

  • Member
  • Posts: 8322
Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2014, 09:47:47 AM »
To me, there are a couple issues at play. First, there are regional/social circle variations, or just people who truly don't mind when someone else does X even though it's technically against etiquette. Like I personally am not offended if someone puts "no gifts" on an invitation, or includes registry information--I know it's against etiquette but I'm actually somewhat relieved that they've made the information clear, and I don't have to ask or wonder.

The other thing is it being rude to point out someone's rudeness, in some circumstances. Like one doesn't say, "You never sent me a TY note!" So the person who never sends TY notes doesn't get any negative feedback, so why should they change their ways? Either they don't realize they're committing a faux pas, or they do but see they're "getting away with it," so why do anything differently?

However, one can certainly change one's own behavior regarding the rude person--not inviting them to parties anymore, or not sending them gifts anymore, for example. (In the thread about Unacknowledged Birthday Gifts I mentioned my gifts to my cousin's kids, which were never acknowledged, and how I finally stopped gifting them and felt much better.) But, other circumstances can often make it difficult to do what one wants--like it's hard to stop gifting to one sibling's kids (who never say thanks), while still giving gifts to the other sibling's kids (who are always polite), if the gift-giving time is traditionally communal. Or if you have a good friend that you like most other things about, you're probably going to continue to give them gifts, even though it irritates you that they don't acknowledge them. Sometimes it's more important for your mental health to adjust your own expectations.
~Lynn2000

miranova

  • Member
  • Posts: 4053
Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2014, 09:52:54 AM »

2. People who cancel at the last minute. Yes, I know, things happen. But I've been told "sorry, I had a long day doing "fun thing" and now I'm too tired to come to your party," or similar excuse.



This is my big pet peeve as well.  One of my very good friendships went by the wayside after she did this to me several times in a row.  One time I had even scheduled the outing at her request and around her work schedule.  Then I got the "I'm too tired from work to come" phone call at the very last minute.   If that were me, and I knew it had been scheduled around my preferences, no matter how tired I was I would suck it up and go.  But I started to realize that this was going to keep happening, so I stopped trying.  And when I stopped scheduling things, they stopped happening all together.

People really should keep their commitments unless something unpredictable and unavoidable happens. 

Another Sarah

  • Member
  • Posts: 971
Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2014, 09:54:21 AM »
My two biggest, well I'll call them 'pet peeves', which fall in this category are not receiving a thank you note (like you) and people who breach the "RSVP" request.

I'll elaborate on the RSVP because there are two separate offenses here.
1. Not bothering to reply. People who do this repeatedly to me (2-3 times) get dropped from my invitation list for future events. It communicates to me that they have no interest in attending my parties so, why bother to invite them?
2. People who cancel at the last minute. Yes, I know, things happen. But I've been told "sorry, I had a long day doing "fun thing" and now I'm too tired to come to your party," or similar excuse.

Of course I don't say anything to the offender, but it's rude.

On the TY note issue, I just don't give any more gifts to those people. I figure they don't need or appreciate what I gave them, so why give more? But again, I just keep my mouth shut.
Not bothering to reply drives me nuts. I can understand not replying straight away because you have to check things, but if it takes ages to figure out what you're doing I think common courtesy is saying "Sorry, I'm trying to figure out X. I'll let you know as soon as I can"
Cancelling at the last minute depends on what we're doing. If it's a dinner party or something I've put special effort into because you told me that you were coming or a small gathering that will probably be cancelled when you decide not to show up, that's really irritating. If it's a big party or large group going out together, I'm more inclined to give it a pass.

What really annoys me is busybodies correcting/commenting on strangers in public. It's one of the rudest things a person can do and the person doing it is always so oblivious to the fact they are being really rude.
Of course there are exceptions, like people stepping in when someone's making a scene or stopping truly inappropriate behaviour, but I mean things like telling people they're dressed inappropriately, berating people for smoking outdoors, telling people off for dying their hair unnatural colours, grabbing pregnant women's stomachs etc, etc.
I was once on a tram when several ticket inspectors got on. They were obviously moving from the central city line to fan out over several stops (which they often do.) One man on the tram started a loud diatribe attacking the inspectors about how there shouldn't be that many inspectors on a tram because it was "just ridiculous" and "there's a credit crunch", "people are losing their jobs and there's six of you on this tram". Never mind that they weren't even checking tickets, they were travelling on the tram, he seemed to think he was making a political point that in a time when everyone was losing jobs, those people had jobs. And that was a bad thing?
He harassed them for ten minutes between the time they got on and the last one got off, with everyone around him asking him to give it a rest, and when they got off he turned to the rest of us in the carriage and announced "Well, it needed saying!"
No mate, it didn't.

poundcake

  • Member
  • Posts: 1371
Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #6 on: October 21, 2014, 09:59:38 AM »
Bring your uninvited kid(s) to my house to an adult event without asking first? Yeah, you aren't getting another invite from me.

Goosey

  • Member
  • Posts: 1950
Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #7 on: October 21, 2014, 10:02:35 AM »
People being late.

The husband and I used to go out with this other couple to various events and they were always late. They thought it was "no big deal" because we still go to do what we planned - no harm done, right? But, they couldn't wrap their minds around how disrespected husband and I felt.

The last time they did this, we were meeting up for dinner at 6pm. We called them when we left the house to see where they were (so we knew how late they were going to be) and they told us they weren't even home. They were out with their family doing some kind of outdoor activity that evidently resulted in them being filthy. They still needed to go home, shower and get dressed.

We told them nevermind. Don't bother.

They acted shocked. "Oh, we can come straight to dinner if you want." No, we were going to a nice restaurant. I didn't want to be there with dirty, smelly people in sweats when my husband and I made a point to dress up. We told them we'd go out by ourselves, but we'd said 6 and not 7:30 and we were already out the door and starving.

They were super mad at us. Posted a bunch of vaguebooking FB posts about this nice late dinner they went to and how anyone would be happy with their dinner blah blah blah.

Husband and I went to a bar, had drinks and bar food and lots of fun and went home and managed not to vaguebook about it. We also managed never to go out with the other couple again.

Since then, I have a much, much lower tolerance for chronically late people. As in, I don't tolerate it at all.

jaxsue

  • Member
  • Posts: 10343
Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #8 on: October 21, 2014, 11:26:21 AM »
Bring your uninvited kid(s) to my house to an adult event without asking first? Yeah, you aren't getting another invite from me.

As someone who was a guest at parties where this happened (and who planned on an "adults only" evening), I thank you.  :)

Allyson

  • Member
  • Posts: 2755
Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #9 on: October 21, 2014, 11:34:54 AM »
On the topic of "but I did this and nobody cared", this made me laugh. I have an acquaintance/friend who said this exact thing. She's...well, she's one of those people who means well but doesn't understand why she's putting people off, thinks people should 'just tell her' if they're annoyed with her, without realizing that telling someone something like that is *hard* and most people won't bother with somebody who isn't a close friend. In this case she had constantly pestered someone for an invitation to an event, letting it be known how much she wanted to go, etc. Somehow the topic of invitation-whining came up in conversation and she said "oh, well, so and so can handle it when I do it!" Sure, but 'handling' something doesn't mean it isn't annoying them....

anonymousmac

  • Member
  • Posts: 342
Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #10 on: October 21, 2014, 11:35:14 AM »
I got thinking about this. A lot of people use the excuse of "Well my friends didn't say anything so they didn't mind!" when justifying poor etiquette.

Good topic.  I think what those people don't understand is that even if no one says anything, their poor etiquette or poor treatment of other people can have consequences nonetheless.

Someone torpedoed a new friendship with me after I invited her and her boyfriend to have dinner at my place.  I watched for them all night and they never showed.  I never heard from her until I bumped into her at work several days later and asked what happened.  "Oh, we were kind of tired, so we stayed home and watched TV instead."  I just stared at her because I had no idea what to say, and she went blithely along her way.  She probably has no idea why I never reached out to her socially again.

Small things I can gloss over, but I do notice, and eventually it can add up to me choosing to cut people out of my life, without my ever explicitly telling them how they did wrong by me.

Kiwipinball

  • Member
  • Posts: 1458
Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #11 on: October 21, 2014, 11:46:59 AM »
I am an attorney and I offer free consultations (up to an hour) so people can get more information about their case, see if we're a good fit, etc.  I have been shocked by the number of people who just don't show up.  I'll generally call and leave a message (because when I'm being blown off they don't answer their phones) stating that it's now half an hour past when we were supposed to meet and to call me if they would like to reschedule (in case they forgot or had an emergency).  I don't mind last minute cancellations as this is business and not social, but the no-shows drive me crazy.  I would love to be able to confront the people who do that but that's (a) rude and (b) not good business practice.  So that's mine.  :)

miranova

  • Member
  • Posts: 4053
Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #12 on: October 21, 2014, 11:58:20 AM »
I got thinking about this. A lot of people use the excuse of "Well my friends didn't say anything so they didn't mind!" when justifying poor etiquette.

Good topic.  I think what those people don't understand is that even if no one says anything, their poor etiquette or poor treatment of other people can have consequences nonetheless.



Very true. 

I don't subscribe to "nobody cared so it wasn't rude".  Either there are standards for etiquette, or there aren't.  I might come across a group of people one day who truly and honestly don't mind not getting any thank yous for anything, but I would still be rude if I didn't thank people.  (as just one example). 

Plus it leads to people thinking "well nobody cared this time so I can keep doing it and no one should care next time" which may backfire. 

Dragonflymom

  • Member
  • Posts: 2841
Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #13 on: October 21, 2014, 12:36:19 PM »
The one that really, really gets me is when people are hours late, even if they call, then make passive aggressive comments on how we already served dinner without them.

Yet call me wondering where I am because I'm less than 5 minutes late since I couldn't find a parking space in front of their apartment and had to drive down a block.

Or worse, call me wondering where I am ten minutes *before* I was even supposed to be at their place.
"By swallowing evil goats unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach"  Winston Churchill

rose red

  • Member
  • Posts: 9554
Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #14 on: October 21, 2014, 12:51:24 PM »
People with their eyes glued to their phone and text while they are suppose to be spending time with me. And no, if you have to keep asking me to repeat myself, that means you can't do both at the same time.


Sorry, this topic is locked. Only admins and moderators can reply.