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Author Topic: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....  (Read 91314 times)

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ladyknight1

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  • Not all those who wander are lost
Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #30 on: October 21, 2014, 09:08:53 PM »
Dress inappropriately for an event, knowingly, and then just expect everyone to accept it. I know you have the proper clothing for the funeral, and just because you decided to wear your peach capri pants and a shirt does not make it right! I will always remember that.

Anyone who dines with someone else and will not turn off their ringer or wireless earpiece. It's distracting and inconsiderate, if not rude.
ďAll that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J.R.R Tolkien

NFPwife

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #31 on: October 21, 2014, 09:53:38 PM »
Also the inverse I find just as rude - the overly early - when you invite someone over for seven and they show up at six fifteen just after you got home from work, then complain about how disorganised you are because you're not ready 45 minutes in advance.

My Parents IL are chronically early. They older they get the more stressed they are about finding the venue, seating issues, etc. etc. They don't mean to be rude, they have a whole host of reasons for being so early, but they are early-early. Not to homes, more to events. We were at least a full hour early to a wedding. (Maybe more) The staff who were still setting up the wedding said something a little snippy about it.

On thank you notes, I was raised that I wasn't allowed to use the gift until I'd thanked the giver. If I'd thanked in person, that was fine. (Although, I remember being expected to send notes for cash after I'd spent it to tell the giver what I bought.) I've gotten to where I don't expect a thank you and am pleasantly surprised when one shows up in the mail. The only time I'm attending to whether or not I've received a thank you is if the gift was mailed or I'm otherwise not certain the recipient received it. 



Goog

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #32 on: October 21, 2014, 10:51:44 PM »
DH had an uncle who was a lifelong bachelor.  When we were first married, he came to visit us a few times; it was about a two hour drive for him.  Now, I'm not the tidiest person, so I would be doing some last-minute cleaning before he was expected to arrive.  One time, I think he said he was going to show up around mid-afternoon on a Saturday, like 3:00.  He showed up at 10 a.m.!  Not cool when I hadn't even started the vacuuming b/c I didn't expect him yet! Another time, he showed up a full 2-3 hours early.  He wasn't unfamiliar with the drive (all interstate travel); he'd traveled it for work several times.  He had to have known that if you're expected to be somewhere two hours away at 3:00, then you leave around 1:00.  You do NOT leave first thing in the morning!  It truly baffled me along with the annoyance.  After a few times of this, I told DH that early is fine, but THAT early is just not cool.  I told him that the next time he was going to visit, we were going to leave the house and not come back until 1/2 hour before he said he would arrive. 

(I mentioned the bachelor part of it b/c it was thought that living alone for all of his life had contributed to him being somewhat of an odd duck.  Face it....often a spouse or significant other is the one who will be the voice of reason to tell you when you're being unreasonable, rude, nitpicky, etc.  He didn't have that censor, so to speak, so he had nobody around to say, "Dude, it's rude to arrive five hours earlier than you said you would!")

Redsoil

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #33 on: October 21, 2014, 11:19:38 PM »
Kiwipinball - you have my sympathies re. clients not showing up!

I still cannot understand why patients think it's okay to  "not show", when they know how busy we are, and that often, people are on a waiting list for the day, hoping to be seen (yes, I tell patients this!).  Each no show means that you have effectively made someone else's life that much worse - you actively prevented them from being seen and they are often in pain.

Worse yet?  Some of these offenders then expect to have special accommodations made for them - to be seen at the drop of a hat, after hours or in lunch breaks, because all of a sudden, they themselves are in pain.  And they seem not to "get it" at all.

One that we let go had 6 no shows and several late cancellations.  On her last no show, she casually said that she'd been shopping and was running late, but she could come in half an hour.  (Gracious of her...)  When I said that there were no other bookings available for the day (this was after 5.30pm), that all the late timeframes were fully booked, she basically asked for one of the other patients to be rescheduled on another day so she could be seen, as it suited her at that timeframe!  Colour my gast absolutely flabbered!!! I politely told her what she needed to hear, and I gather she didn't like it.
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TeamBhakta

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #34 on: October 21, 2014, 11:45:33 PM »
Respect needs to go both ways. Just because you are "always" late does not make it right.

The excuse that gets me is "I can't help being late all the time. My brain isn't wired for arriving on time. Oh, I don't enjoy setting the timer on my phone / watch to remind me; life won't be spontaneous and fun if I have to make the effort."  ::)

katycoo

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #35 on: October 22, 2014, 12:34:04 AM »
I am an attorney and I offer free consultations (up to an hour) so people can get more information about their case, see if we're a good fit, etc.  I have been shocked by the number of people who just don't show up.  I'll generally call and leave a message (because when I'm being blown off they don't answer their phones) stating that it's now half an hour past when we were supposed to meet and to call me if they would like to reschedule (in case they forgot or had an emergency).  I don't mind last minute cancellations as this is business and not social, but the no-shows drive me crazy.  I would love to be able to confront the people who do that but that's (a) rude and (b) not good business practice.  So that's mine.  :)

Interestingly that is one of the reasons why my office doesn't offer free consultations.  We get very few no shows when people value our time - and they value it becuase they're paying for it. 
Sure, some people choose not to meet with us when they find out its not free, but honestly, we don't miss them.

poundcake

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #36 on: October 22, 2014, 04:09:05 AM »
Showing up over an hour late to a party or a gathering of some sort...and bringing an uninvited friend, wearing a big grin, and saying, "This is so-and-so; I knew you wouldn't mind, so I told him he could tag along."

Um, yes, we do mind.  Very much so.  But more than that, we don't want to have a scene that would spoil the whole evening.

I'm convinced that this is the main reason why many people don't say anything when rudeness happens.

That's exactly why! "I knew you wouldn't mind!" sets you up to be the biggest jerk in the world if you do mind that this person has (all of which have happened to me) shown up with their kids, shown up drunk, given my address and party invite to a friend I've never met and told them to come over, and shown up with any number of uninvited guests.

cicero

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #37 on: October 22, 2014, 05:08:13 AM »
Then there's the companion phrase - "You're the only one who cares about things like that." Said dismissively when you try to point out (politely and appropriately, of course) an etiquette blunder or other offense.
or the "everyone else thinks I'm funny; you're too sensitive". yeah, no. everyone else thinks you're a jerk but we put up with you because unfortunately you married my sister and have four children with her. You call her names and put her down because she's fat and you think it's OK (it's not) because she never says anything.


I would like to add on another time-related one to this list:

When a host invites you over for a meal and x time is agreed upon.  Then when you get to their home at the agreed-upon time, they have already started eating the meal. 


or its evil twin of being invited for a set time and dinner is nowhere near ready. for hours. I'm not a baby and I don't have to eat by X o'clock, but if you invite me for dinner at 6, I would *at least* expect a set table, delicious aromas wafting from the kitchen, or at least some semblance of food being put together, not a "whatever" atmosphere that has us eating at 9....

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Yvaine

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #38 on: October 22, 2014, 06:05:16 AM »
or its evil twin of being invited for a set time and dinner is nowhere near ready. for hours. I'm not a baby and I don't have to eat by X o'clock, but if you invite me for dinner at 6, I would *at least* expect a set table, delicious aromas wafting from the kitchen, or at least some semblance of food being put together, not a "whatever" atmosphere that has us eating at 9....

Arrived for dinner once and the two people who lived there were still debating what to make... ::)

cicero

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #39 on: October 22, 2014, 06:15:38 AM »
or its evil twin of being invited for a set time and dinner is nowhere near ready. for hours. I'm not a baby and I don't have to eat by X o'clock, but if you invite me for dinner at 6, I would *at least* expect a set table, delicious aromas wafting from the kitchen, or at least some semblance of food being put together, not a "whatever" atmosphere that has us eating at 9....

Arrived for dinner once and the two people who lived there were still debating what to make... ::)
Or the evil cousin: arrived for dinner once and the two people were in the middle of a fight - including who was supposed to be making what and a whole bunch of 'you always' 'you never's'. yeah, that was a fun meal ::)

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Piratelvr1121

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #40 on: October 22, 2014, 07:02:19 AM »
Respect needs to go both ways. Just because you are "always" late does not make it right.

The excuse that gets me is "I can't help being late all the time. My brain isn't wired for arriving on time. Oh, I don't enjoy setting the timer on my phone / watch to remind me; life won't be spontaneous and fun if I have to make the effort."  ::)

Ugh, that bugs me, the "free spirit" excuse.  Or just using "free spirit" as an excuse for disregarding anyone's needs but your own.  Gives the true free spirits a bad name, because it's not about totally disregarding others. 
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

LadyClaire

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #41 on: October 22, 2014, 07:41:16 AM »
Bring your uninvited kid(s) to my house to an adult event without asking first? Yeah, you aren't getting another invite from me.

That's why we've never had a particular couple back to our house. They came over once for a game night (we usually play Cards Against Humanity) with their 3 year old son. Luckily he pretty much slept through it, but what I didn't realize was that he had a face smeared with chocolate and they had put him face-down on my couch to sleep. We had bought the couch only a few months earlier, and it had several ground-in smears of melted chocolate thanks to them. I was less than pleased because we had not told them it was OK to bring him, and then they left a mess behind on our furniture. It's been 4 years and they haven't been invited over to our house since.

LadyClaire

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #42 on: October 22, 2014, 07:50:52 AM »
Definitely on the "late" train of thought here. I mentioned on another thread that my cousin and I made plans to meet for lunch. Both of us traveling 30 minutes to a central location. I own a business, so I had to do a little bit of juggling. She does not work outside the home. I have no doubt that she is busy as well.

When I got to the restaurant to give my name, she texted me to tell me she would be 45 minutes late.   :o   So I told her we had to reschedule because I could not wait that long. She was shocked that I wanted to reschedule because "she always runs late" and she thought I had cleared most of my afternoon to spend time together. Well, I did ... but I wasn't going to cool my heels for 45 minutes waiting for her to get there.

Respect needs to go both ways. Just because you are "always" late does not make it right.

I've always wondered with this story is if your cousin ever changed her ways?  Or does she still expect people to wait for her?

Nope. Still always runs late because "that's how she is and that is what everybody expects." Well, not me.

My in-laws are late to everything. We had them over for christmas eve dinner one year. They arrived over an hour late and the food by that point was either cold, dried out, or congealed. My husband told me "Oh, that's just how they are..they operate on Smith Family time". I told him that was nice and all, but I operate on the actual time that it is. If they'd had a good excuse, it would be one thing..but they live less than 10 miles away in a rural area where there is no traffic. No reason at all to be so late.

miranova

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #43 on: October 22, 2014, 08:00:44 AM »
My brother is the same way.  He is hours late to every meal and holiday.  We start without him now.  I refuse to wait. 

Yvaine

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #44 on: October 22, 2014, 08:20:31 AM »
or its evil twin of being invited for a set time and dinner is nowhere near ready. for hours. I'm not a baby and I don't have to eat by X o'clock, but if you invite me for dinner at 6, I would *at least* expect a set table, delicious aromas wafting from the kitchen, or at least some semblance of food being put together, not a "whatever" atmosphere that has us eating at 9....

Arrived for dinner once and the two people who lived there were still debating what to make... ::)
Or the evil cousin: arrived for dinner once and the two people were in the middle of a fight - including who was supposed to be making what and a whole bunch of 'you always' 'you never's'. yeah, that was a fun meal ::)

I've told this before, but I once arrived at a couple's house for a 3-4 day visit, and they had apparently--just in the last day or two before the visit--decided to get a divorce.


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