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Author Topic: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....  (Read 91400 times)

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Hillia

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #45 on: October 22, 2014, 08:53:34 AM »
My ILs, including BIL, came to stay with us for Christmas one year.  My mom was also staying with us.  On Christmas Eve morning, we were all discussing plans for the day.  DH, FIL, and BIL had several stores they wanted to visit, all at least 30 min from our house (and in big city holiday traffic).  My mom and I are Catholic, so we mentioned that we wanted to go to church that evening and would have to leave the house at 7, so we'd have dinner ready at 6.  Everyone got that?  Dinner at 6.  Big holiday dinner, at 6.

So 'the men' take off, we putter around doing whatever, and get dinner started to eat at 6.  This was going to be the big meal, so we had to get the turkey in the oven a few hours early, do some last minute baking, the usual.  At 5:30 there is no sign of 'the men', so I called DH to see where they were.  They were at the store farthest from our house, FIL had no intention of leaving any time soon, and oh yeah, there was another store he wanted to stop at before they came home, since they'd all be closed the next day.  I reminded DH of dinner plans, he said, 'I know...I can't get him to move any faster'.  They finally made it home around 6:45, dinner was not so great; mom and I bolted a plate and ran out the door to a host of PA comments from FIL about people rushing all the time and how he never got a chance to go shopping in the stores he liked and blah blah blah.  He is the king of PA, pouty, sulky remarks.

With FIL like that, BIL is not much better.  We lived in the same city as him for a little over a year while he and DH went to the same trade school.  BIL is single and likes to throw pity parties about his lonely bachelor life. So, to be nice, I invited him over for Sunday dinner and told him we'd be eating at 6.  When 6:45 arrived with no call, no show, and no answer on his phone, I fixed him a plate and DH and I ate dinner.  BIL was shocked when he showed up 20 minutes later to find that we'd eaten already.  MIL has been putting up with this crap for 40 years, so I guess she's used to it, but I haven't and I'm not.  They're coming to visit next week for 2 weeks; I anticipate many interesting stories before they're gone.

Winterlight

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #46 on: October 22, 2014, 09:07:15 AM »
Definitely on the "late" train of thought here. I mentioned on another thread that my cousin and I made plans to meet for lunch. Both of us traveling 30 minutes to a central location. I own a business, so I had to do a little bit of juggling. She does not work outside the home. I have no doubt that she is busy as well.

When I got to the restaurant to give my name, she texted me to tell me she would be 45 minutes late.   :o   So I told her we had to reschedule because I could not wait that long. She was shocked that I wanted to reschedule because "she always runs late" and she thought I had cleared most of my afternoon to spend time together. Well, I did ... but I wasn't going to cool my heels for 45 minutes waiting for her to get there.

Respect needs to go both ways. Just because you are "always" late does not make it right.

Oh, I remember that thread! Glad you didn't hang around.

My in-laws are late to everything. We had them over for christmas eve dinner one year. They arrived over an hour late and the food by that point was either cold, dried out, or congealed. My husband told me "Oh, that's just how they are..they operate on Smith Family time". I told him that was nice and all, but I operate on the actual time that it is. If they'd had a good excuse, it would be one thing..but they live less than 10 miles away in a rural area where there is no traffic. No reason at all to be so late.

I think I've mentioned this before, but a while back I was supposed to go to a party with some friends (we lived in the same dorm.) We were supposed to leave at 7pm. I am dressed and waiting as it rolls around. They head up to get showered and ready. Eight rolls around. Still not ready. I broke and headed out. They finally got there after nine. I was mortified at being so late and very apologetic. They still didn't get it. The excuse they gave? "We're on "Our Home Country" time because it's the weekend! Nobody shows up at the appointed hour!" Except, hostess was from the same country. She was really not impressed.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

Piratelvr1121

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #47 on: October 22, 2014, 10:03:26 AM »
I grew up in a family that would say "We'll be there at noon" which pretty much translated to "we'll be leaving the house at noon".  Then I met DH who came from a family that said "I'll be there at noon" and meant it.  They've become more relaxed as they've gotten older but for events that require one to be on time, they will be.  Plus being in the USMC and adhering to the "on time is late" aka "Hurry up and wait" mentality, I learned quickly how to be on time for things and organize my time to leave on time. 

In fact, Dh and I have argued in the past because he'd say he wants to leave at 9 am, we'll be ready to walk out the door at 9am only to find him no where near ready other than he's showered, smugly saying "Oh well I wasn't expecting you to be ready on time." That, by the way, was the very last time he tried pulling that one on me.

Anyway, my brother usually still does the "We'll be there at noon" then call at noon to say they're just leaving business for social gatherings.  It's gotten to the point that we don't start cooking until he calls to say he's on his way.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Kiwipinball

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #48 on: October 22, 2014, 11:24:56 AM »
I am an attorney and I offer free consultations (up to an hour) so people can get more information about their case, see if we're a good fit, etc.  I have been shocked by the number of people who just don't show up.  I'll generally call and leave a message (because when I'm being blown off they don't answer their phones) stating that it's now half an hour past when we were supposed to meet and to call me if they would like to reschedule (in case they forgot or had an emergency).  I don't mind last minute cancellations as this is business and not social, but the no-shows drive me crazy.  I would love to be able to confront the people who do that but that's (a) rude and (b) not good business practice.  So that's mine.  :)

Interestingly that is one of the reasons why my office doesn't offer free consultations.  We get very few no shows when people value our time - and they value it becuase they're paying for it. 
Sure, some people choose not to meet with us when they find out its not free, but honestly, we don't miss them.

I've thought about doing that (mostly right after being stood up!).  So far I haven't changed my practice, but if it gets too bad, I may have to.  Which will annoy me to need to change based on rude people, who tend to spoil things for everyone else.  :)

wolfie

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #49 on: October 22, 2014, 11:39:53 AM »
I am an attorney and I offer free consultations (up to an hour) so people can get more information about their case, see if we're a good fit, etc.  I have been shocked by the number of people who just don't show up.  I'll generally call and leave a message (because when I'm being blown off they don't answer their phones) stating that it's now half an hour past when we were supposed to meet and to call me if they would like to reschedule (in case they forgot or had an emergency).  I don't mind last minute cancellations as this is business and not social, but the no-shows drive me crazy.  I would love to be able to confront the people who do that but that's (a) rude and (b) not good business practice.  So that's mine.  :)

Interestingly that is one of the reasons why my office doesn't offer free consultations.  We get very few no shows when people value our time - and they value it becuase they're paying for it. 
Sure, some people choose not to meet with us when they find out its not free, but honestly, we don't miss them.

I've thought about doing that (mostly right after being stood up!).  So far I haven't changed my practice, but if it gets too bad, I may have to.  Which will annoy me to need to change based on rude people, who tend to spoil things for everyone else.  :)

Have them pay up front and then give them their money back at the end of the first session if they show up?

TeamBhakta

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #50 on: October 22, 2014, 12:23:10 PM »
I just went to a murder mystery dinner last night, with about 20 people, and everyone had a part to play and clues to reveal etc.. It was set to start at 6:30 and 17 people were on time, but we had to wait until 715 for the other three people. So everyone is standing around trying not to reveal our clues until everyone gets there. Of course, two of these people were of the chronically late persuasion. Because of course one has a child, and she's the only one who's ever had a child clearly (she has a husband). And the other one is just flighty. I think the 'late war' is something that the two camps will never agree on. The late people are always going to think it's not a big deal, and the people who are on time will always know that it is.

Start without 'em from now on. When Our Ladies Of Perputal Lateness deign to arrive, let them know "Sorry, the game is in progress. We've rearranged the mystery to go on without you. If you'd like to join our next gathering, it will be on Tuesday at 6:30. You must arrived by that time to participate, as we're no longer accepting late comers."

kategillian

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #51 on: October 22, 2014, 12:28:12 PM »
I just went to a murder mystery dinner last night, with about 20 people, and everyone had a part to play and clues to reveal etc.. It was set to start at 6:30 and 17 people were on time, but we had to wait until 715 for the other three people. So everyone is standing around trying not to reveal our clues until everyone gets there. Of course, two of these people were of the chronically late persuasion. Because of course one has a child, and she's the only one who's ever had a child clearly (she has a husband). And the other one is just flighty. I think the 'late war' is something that the two camps will never agree on. The late people are always going to think it's not a big deal, and the people who are on time will always know that it is.

Start without 'em from now on. When Our Ladies Of Perputal Lateness deign to arrive, let them know "Sorry, the game is in progress. We've rearranged the mystery to go on without you. If you'd like to join our next gathering, it will be on Tuesday at 6:30. You must arrived by that time to participate, as we're no longer accepting late comers."

Well, it wasn't my party, I was a guest. If it had been at my house, we would have started on time!

poundcake

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #52 on: October 22, 2014, 12:53:41 PM »
Quote
or its evil twin of being invited for a set time and dinner is nowhere near ready. for hours. I'm not a baby and I don't have to eat by X o'clock, but if you invite me for dinner at 6, I would *at least* expect a set table, delicious aromas wafting from the kitchen, or at least some semblance of food being put together, not a "whatever" atmosphere that has us eating at 9....

My father would do this for holiday meals. After it happened the second time, I never went to his house for another holiday.

My husband is perpetually late. I am perpetually early/on time. Over the years, we have had to negotiate some things. There are certain circumstances (usually involving plans with others) in which I can nag him so that we are on time together. There are certain circumstances (appointments, travel, holidays, events) in which I will simply leave without him if he's not ready on time. And there are other occasions where everyone involved knows if he's late, it's his problem (meals, parties). He's gotten better, but I simply do not get the way his mind calculates "We are meeting at noon. Therefore, at 11:50, I'm going to start a project that will take 20 minutes." To be fair, he doesn't make excuses for it, ever. It just still happens.

Yvaine

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #53 on: October 22, 2014, 01:01:52 PM »
Quote
or its evil twin of being invited for a set time and dinner is nowhere near ready. for hours. I'm not a baby and I don't have to eat by X o'clock, but if you invite me for dinner at 6, I would *at least* expect a set table, delicious aromas wafting from the kitchen, or at least some semblance of food being put together, not a "whatever" atmosphere that has us eating at 9....

My father would do this for holiday meals. After it happened the second time, I never went to his house for another holiday.

My husband is perpetually late. I am perpetually early/on time. Over the years, we have had to negotiate some things. There are certain circumstances (usually involving plans with others) in which I can nag him so that we are on time together. There are certain circumstances (appointments, travel, holidays, events) in which I will simply leave without him if he's not ready on time. And there are other occasions where everyone involved knows if he's late, it's his problem (meals, parties). He's gotten better, but I simply do not get the way his mind calculates "We are meeting at noon. Therefore, at 11:50, I'm going to start a project that will take 20 minutes." To be fair, he doesn't make excuses for it, ever. It just still happens.

BF has a case of this too. It's terribly irksome, yet at the same time, I know every person out there has flaws, and most of the time, I think this is one I can live with. ;) I have no idea exactly how his brain manages to manufacture Projects(tm) out of thin air whenever we need to get somewhere.

miranova

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #54 on: October 22, 2014, 01:07:34 PM »
Quote
or its evil twin of being invited for a set time and dinner is nowhere near ready. for hours. I'm not a baby and I don't have to eat by X o'clock, but if you invite me for dinner at 6, I would *at least* expect a set table, delicious aromas wafting from the kitchen, or at least some semblance of food being put together, not a "whatever" atmosphere that has us eating at 9....

My father would do this for holiday meals. After it happened the second time, I never went to his house for another holiday.

My husband is perpetually late. I am perpetually early/on time. Over the years, we have had to negotiate some things. There are certain circumstances (usually involving plans with others) in which I can nag him so that we are on time together. There are certain circumstances (appointments, travel, holidays, events) in which I will simply leave without him if he's not ready on time. And there are other occasions where everyone involved knows if he's late, it's his problem (meals, parties). He's gotten better, but I simply do not get the way his mind calculates "We are meeting at noon. Therefore, at 11:50, I'm going to start a project that will take 20 minutes." To be fair, he doesn't make excuses for it, ever. It just still happens.

BF has a case of this too. It's terribly irksome, yet at the same time, I know every person out there has flaws, and most of the time, I think this is one I can live with. ;) I have no idea exactly how his brain manages to manufacture Projects(tm) out of thin air whenever we need to get somewhere.

My husband is almost never late, but he does the project thing when we have people coming over.  If we need to tidy up the house in general, clean the kitchen/bathroom/floors for a party we are having, he will suddenly and urgently need to clean out the garage.  Or paint a door.  Or vacuum the car.  Things that no guests will ever see and leave me alone to clean the things that they will see.  It's gotten to the point where we have to sit down and negotiate our expectations of cleaning before each party. 

mmswm

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #55 on: October 22, 2014, 01:10:33 PM »
Quote
or its evil twin of being invited for a set time and dinner is nowhere near ready. for hours. I'm not a baby and I don't have to eat by X o'clock, but if you invite me for dinner at 6, I would *at least* expect a set table, delicious aromas wafting from the kitchen, or at least some semblance of food being put together, not a "whatever" atmosphere that has us eating at 9....

My father would do this for holiday meals. After it happened the second time, I never went to his house for another holiday.

My husband is perpetually late. I am perpetually early/on time. Over the years, we have had to negotiate some things. There are certain circumstances (usually involving plans with others) in which I can nag him so that we are on time together. There are certain circumstances (appointments, travel, holidays, events) in which I will simply leave without him if he's not ready on time. And there are other occasions where everyone involved knows if he's late, it's his problem (meals, parties). He's gotten better, but I simply do not get the way his mind calculates "We are meeting at noon. Therefore, at 11:50, I'm going to start a project that will take 20 minutes." To be fair, he doesn't make excuses for it, ever. It just still happens.

BF has a case of this too. It's terribly irksome, yet at the same time, I know every person out there has flaws, and most of the time, I think this is one I can live with. ;) I have no idea exactly how his brain manages to manufacture Projects(tm) out of thin air whenever we need to get somewhere.

This is something bf does as well.  It drives me batty, and we haven't even been together very long.  So far, it's the only real issue, and something I can live with/work around, so it's not a deal breaker.
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

Frog24

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #56 on: October 22, 2014, 01:16:44 PM »
This is more of a cultural thing, but it sort of belongs here as we're discussing arriving early/arriving late.

I was invited to a friend's wedding.  Friend is of the purple ethnicity, and I am of the orange ethnicity.  The wedding invitation said the ceremony would start at 4.  I got to the wedding venue at 3:55, and entered to find a hand full of other oranges sitting and waiting.  There were no purple people in the hall at all.

4pm becomes 5 pm, and we all start to worry that something's gone wrong.
5:30 the bride and her family came in and took their appropriate places.
6:15 groom and his family come in and take their places.
6:45 the ceremony starts.

By the time the ceremony ended, it was after 8pm.  By the time all the guests filtered into the dining hall, and by the time we were called to the buffet for dinner (there were hundreds of people at this wedding) it was 9:30 and we were so hungry it was unbelievable. The delicious smells coming from the buffet while we waited just made it worse.

 I'd never attended a wedding like that, but afterwards I was told it's quite the norm. 

Zizi-K

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #57 on: October 22, 2014, 02:16:56 PM »
Quote
or its evil twin of being invited for a set time and dinner is nowhere near ready. for hours. I'm not a baby and I don't have to eat by X o'clock, but if you invite me for dinner at 6, I would *at least* expect a set table, delicious aromas wafting from the kitchen, or at least some semblance of food being put together, not a "whatever" atmosphere that has us eating at 9....

My father would do this for holiday meals. After it happened the second time, I never went to his house for another holiday.

My husband is perpetually late. I am perpetually early/on time. Over the years, we have had to negotiate some things. There are certain circumstances (usually involving plans with others) in which I can nag him so that we are on time together. There are certain circumstances (appointments, travel, holidays, events) in which I will simply leave without him if he's not ready on time. And there are other occasions where everyone involved knows if he's late, it's his problem (meals, parties). He's gotten better, but I simply do not get the way his mind calculates "We are meeting at noon. Therefore, at 11:50, I'm going to start a project that will take 20 minutes." To be fair, he doesn't make excuses for it, ever. It just still happens.

BF has a case of this too. It's terribly irksome, yet at the same time, I know every person out there has flaws, and most of the time, I think this is one I can live with. ;) I have no idea exactly how his brain manages to manufacture Projects(tm) out of thin air whenever we need to get somewhere.

My husband is almost never late, but he does the project thing when we have people coming over.  If we need to tidy up the house in general, clean the kitchen/bathroom/floors for a party we are having, he will suddenly and urgently need to clean out the garage.  Or paint a door.  Or vacuum the car.  Things that no guests will ever see and leave me alone to clean the things that they will see.  It's gotten to the point where we have to sit down and negotiate our expectations of cleaning before each party.

Are we married to the same man?? It drives me absolutely nuts - It'll be the morning of the day we have people coming over later that evening, and we'll get ready to clean. Then he'll disappear to the farthest reaches of the house to clean an area that no one will ever see. Baffling.

miranova

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #58 on: October 22, 2014, 02:23:42 PM »
Quote
or its evil twin of being invited for a set time and dinner is nowhere near ready. for hours. I'm not a baby and I don't have to eat by X o'clock, but if you invite me for dinner at 6, I would *at least* expect a set table, delicious aromas wafting from the kitchen, or at least some semblance of food being put together, not a "whatever" atmosphere that has us eating at 9....

My father would do this for holiday meals. After it happened the second time, I never went to his house for another holiday.

My husband is perpetually late. I am perpetually early/on time. Over the years, we have had to negotiate some things. There are certain circumstances (usually involving plans with others) in which I can nag him so that we are on time together. There are certain circumstances (appointments, travel, holidays, events) in which I will simply leave without him if he's not ready on time. And there are other occasions where everyone involved knows if he's late, it's his problem (meals, parties). He's gotten better, but I simply do not get the way his mind calculates "We are meeting at noon. Therefore, at 11:50, I'm going to start a project that will take 20 minutes." To be fair, he doesn't make excuses for it, ever. It just still happens.

BF has a case of this too. It's terribly irksome, yet at the same time, I know every person out there has flaws, and most of the time, I think this is one I can live with. ;) I have no idea exactly how his brain manages to manufacture Projects(tm) out of thin air whenever we need to get somewhere.

My husband is almost never late, but he does the project thing when we have people coming over.  If we need to tidy up the house in general, clean the kitchen/bathroom/floors for a party we are having, he will suddenly and urgently need to clean out the garage.  Or paint a door.  Or vacuum the car.  Things that no guests will ever see and leave me alone to clean the things that they will see.  It's gotten to the point where we have to sit down and negotiate our expectations of cleaning before each party.

Are we married to the same man?? It drives me absolutely nuts - It'll be the morning of the day we have people coming over later that evening, and we'll get ready to clean. Then he'll disappear to the farthest reaches of the house to clean an area that no one will ever see. Baffling.

Ha!  I thought I was the only one!

Celany

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Re: "But I *insert faux pas here* and no one cared!" Well actually....
« Reply #59 on: October 22, 2014, 02:34:42 PM »
People who solicit my help for their friends & then expect me to reach out to said friend.

Let's say Joe emails me and says "Hey, my friend Sarah is working on a costume and is having a hard time with X part. Can you help her? Her email address is Sarah@whatever.com". I say "sure, pass her my contact info & she can email me to talk about it & we'll set something up". I never hear from Sarah, but eventually I hear from Joe, who asks "Why didn't you email Sarah?" I say "I told you to pass her my contact info so she could contact me about her project" "Oh, she's really busy and you already have her contact info, so can't you just email her?"

No, I can't. She wants my help, she can email me and describe what's going on, and we can talk. If she can't be motivated to even contact me herself, then I'm not interested in helping her.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine


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