News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • November 20, 2017, 04:51:28 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: declaring someone part of the wedding party  (Read 16604 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Lizard Happy

  • Member
  • Posts: 14
declaring someone part of the wedding party
« on: October 21, 2014, 03:00:56 PM »
Soon after my brother got engaged, we were at a family dinner. My aunt, who lives a good distance away and we rarely see, walked up to my brother's fiancee (who she had never met), and said "my daughter will be your flower girl." At the time, the "flower girl" to be was 15. My not yet SIL just kind of smiled and changed the subject.

PastryGoddess

  • Member
  • Posts: 6370
Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2014, 03:13:58 PM »
Well bless her heart... ::)

z_squared82

  • Member
  • Posts: 604
Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2014, 03:32:20 PM »
I actually kind of did this once. I feel half bad about it. My SIL, once we finally convinced her (passively. lazily. when it came up, not a gung ho battle) that she didn’t need six bridesmaids and she didn’t need even numbers, had two bridesmaids – me and her sister. She was talking to my mom about something and maid of honor something else and she looked like she didn’t quite know what to say about the “of honor” part. So I interjected that I was her maid of honor. And her sister was her matron of honor. We’re both “of honor”. And her sister should stand next to her at the altar. 

She never said Boo about it. I think she liked not having to choose a “favorite”.

(She hadn’t actually seen her sister in probably seven years and they were never close, whereas I had been seeing her once a week for a couple of years and we get along well.)

CrazyDaffodilLady

  • Member
  • Posts: 1409
Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2014, 10:51:44 PM »
It's unlikely that the 15-year-old will want any part of this.

But a 15-year-old flower girl isn't a bad idea.  At least she won't balk at the start of the aisle, or throw a tantrum, or dump all the flowers in one place, or scream for her mommy, or announce that she needs to poop.
It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

missmolly

  • Member
  • Posts: 2355
Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #4 on: October 22, 2014, 12:10:43 AM »
When a friend of mine got married, her FSIL told her that she expected to be MOH. Friend hadn't even considered her as a bridesmaid at that point, and they had only met twice beforehand. Friend politely told her no and stood her ground when FSIL threatened to boycott the wedding. Thankfully Friend's now-DH backed her 100% and FSIL deigned to attend the wedding as a guest
"Any idiot can face a crisis, it is this day-to-day living that wears you out". Chekhov.

Lynn2000

  • Member
  • Posts: 8322
Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2014, 09:34:40 AM »
When my friend Joan got married, she decided she would not have any attendants. She deliberately chose to go this route, excluding her own sister (about her age), in order to avoid including the groom's two sisters, whom she didn't like.

Joan also has a much-younger (half-) sister from her dad and stepmom, who was about 5 at the time. The stepmom told her daughter that she could be Joan's flower girl, and got her all excited about the pretty dress and so forth. ::) Joan, not wanting to make waves, decided to allow it (and apologized to her adult sister, because now she was including one sister and not the other).

At the wedding, the stepmom also produced a small boy in a little tux--some relative of hers who had been invited with his parents--and put him in the procession as the ring-bearer. I asked Joan, "Who's that?" and she's like, "Sigh. I don't know." The kids were well-behaved and looked cute, so I suppose all's well that ends well, but I would have been pretty mad if someone pulled either of those on me.
~Lynn2000

#borecore

  • Member
  • Posts: 5170
  • Extreme normcore
Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2014, 10:18:07 AM »
We chose not to have a wedding party because we didn't want that kind of hierarchy of friends/family, & there was no role for them in our religion's wedding ceremony.

I never told my husband this, but as much as I was on the bandwagon for those reasons, I was much more adamantly anti-wedding-party after a certain family member said they couldn't wait to be a bridesmaid. No thank you, person!

HannahGrace

  • Member
  • Posts: 1281
Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2014, 11:17:31 AM »
We chose not to have a wedding party because we didn't want that kind of hierarchy of friends/family, & there was no role for them in our religion's wedding ceremony.

I never told my husband this, but as much as I was on the bandwagon for those reasons, I was much more adamantly anti-wedding-party after a certain family member said they couldn't wait to be a bridesmaid. No thank you, person!

I truly don't understand people who WANT to be part of a wedding party.  My greatest nightmare is when people ask me to be a bridesmaid / maid of honor.  For that reason among others, we also did not have a wedding party at our wedding - I didn't want to make a hierarchy of friends (with 42 guests, if you were invited to our wedding, by definition you were an important person to us) and I didn't want to dictate another adult's clothing / responsibilities based on tradition.

Lynn2000

  • Member
  • Posts: 8322
Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #8 on: October 22, 2014, 11:45:09 AM »
I never wanted to be a bridesmaid either. One of my good friends was making wedding noises and I dropped comments like, "You know, I've never wanted to be a bridesmaid. Just not my thing," like we were just having an ordinary innocent conversation. Then when the time came she double-checked that I still didn't want to be one (for her) but wasn't shocked or hurt, and had an alternate plan in mind. (I ended up doing the readings at the ceremony, which actually turned out to be a more visible job, being the only person who spoke besides the minister and the HC!)

I think hierarchy is exactly why some people insist on a spot among the attendants, so they can show they are part of the inner circle. And I think in some families it's just assumed it will be a BWW and so all these roles will need to be filled, and naturally first choice of candidates will be from among family. So "of course" 5-year-old niece will be flower girl and 7-year-old cousin's son will be ring bearer, brothers and sisters will be top attendants, etc.. Especially if other people in the family are getting married around the same time and making the expected choices, it can be hard for someone who says they're going a different direction.

It is still pretty shameless to volunteer a 15-year-old as a flower girl, though! Junior bridesmaid, at least.
~Lynn2000

Outdoor Girl

  • Member
  • Posts: 16402
Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #9 on: October 22, 2014, 12:15:23 PM »
One of my best friends was getting married.  They were having the ceremony and reception on a boat and there would have only been room for one attendant each.  Neither one of them wanted to decide who of their friends would be that one so they chose to have no attendants.  The groom had no siblings, the bride had one sibling with a boy and a girl.  So her sibling's kids were the ring bearer and the flower girl and that was it.

When my brother (only sibling) got married, I never expected to be asked to be an attendant.  They did ask me if I'd like to do a reading or if I'd like to help usher guests into the church.  I chose to usher.  Bride had 3 siblings - one was her MOH, the daughter of one was the flower girl and the husband of the other was also an usher.  I never heard any issues with the way they chose to do things.

I've only been a bridesmaid once - I don't have a lot of close friends.  I would have been a bridesmaid a second time but couldn't do it because of work commitments.  Gotta tell you - with the expense of dress, shoes, hair, nails, makeup, gifts, shower and/or stag and doe?  I'm not really upset about that fact.
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
Ontario

barkingmad

  • Member
  • Posts: 19
Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #10 on: October 23, 2014, 12:04:25 AM »
I have never been part of a wedding, but when we announced our engagement, my SOL (sister-out-law) claimed matron of honor.  She made all the bridemaids' dresses.  Mom and I made my wedding dress.  It was a lot of fun, since in my family, people just go get married and there had not been an actual wedding in several decades.

purple

  • Member
  • Posts: 682
Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #11 on: October 23, 2014, 12:21:03 AM »
That's just so horrendously rude!

My sister tried declaring herself to be a bridesmaid for me.

LtPowers

  • Member
  • Posts: 474
Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #12 on: October 23, 2014, 09:46:44 AM »
I truly don't understand people who WANT to be part of a wedding party.

It's an enormous honor.  I wish I had friends to whom I was close enough to be invited to stand with them as they took this step.


Powers  &8^]

HannahGrace

  • Member
  • Posts: 1281
Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #13 on: October 23, 2014, 09:49:04 AM »
I truly don't understand people who WANT to be part of a wedding party.

It's an enormous honor.  I wish I had friends to whom I was close enough to be invited to stand with them as they took this step.


Powers  &8^]

I don't view whether or not I'm wearing a matching dress with other women as a sign of my closeness in friendship.

Lynn2000

  • Member
  • Posts: 8322
Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #14 on: October 23, 2014, 11:35:56 AM »
I truly don't understand people who WANT to be part of a wedding party.

It's an enormous honor.  I wish I had friends to whom I was close enough to be invited to stand with them as they took this step.


Powers  &8^]

Actually, this resonates with me. The thing is, I don't have friends who are that close, in my opinion, so there's no one in my life I want to stand up for, or to have stand up with me. Despite what the friends themselves (who ask me or expect me to ask them) might think. So that's why I don't actually want to be a bridesmaid for anyone, or have any myself. I would totally understand if my hypothetical future SO had people close enough to them that they wanted to include in this way.

But, I understand not everyone views it that way.
~Lynn2000