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Author Topic: declaring someone part of the wedding party  (Read 16629 times)

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Tea Drinker

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #15 on: October 23, 2014, 12:30:44 PM »
I truly don't understand people who WANT to be part of a wedding party.

It's an enormous honor.  I wish I had friends to whom I was close enough to be invited to stand with them as they took this step.


Powers  &8^]

It is an honor: but it's an honor to be asked. It's not an honor to have one's mother tell the engaged couple "my daughter will be your flower girl," or to be in someone's wedding party because you pressure them into it. (Nor would it be much of an honor to be asked because someone asked all five of her cousins, or wanted four groomsmen of the same height, general build, and coloring.)
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LtPowers

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #16 on: October 24, 2014, 08:37:28 PM »
I don't view whether or not I'm wearing a matching dress with other women as a sign of my closeness in friendship.

Well that's hardly what I was talking about.


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HannahGrace

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #17 on: October 24, 2014, 09:26:50 PM »
I don't view whether or not I'm wearing a matching dress with other women as a sign of my closeness in friendship.

Well that's hardly what I was talking about.


Powers  &8^]

Well, Powers, that is how I read your strange admonition.

MommyPenguin

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #18 on: October 24, 2014, 09:58:02 PM »
I think being an attendant can be fun.  You get to be involved with the wedding a bit more, be "behind the scenes" in a way, etc.  I guess it depends on who the bride/groom are, but in my experiences (myself as a bridesmaid, my husband as a groomsman in a different wedding), it wasn't too arduous.  I know it *can* be, but I don't think it always is.
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BrownEyedGirl

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #19 on: October 25, 2014, 07:02:00 PM »
I think being an attendant can be fun.  You get to be involved with the wedding a bit more, be "behind the scenes" in a way, etc.  I guess it depends on who the bride/groom are, but in my experiences (myself as a bridesmaid, my husband as a groomsman in a different wedding), it wasn't too arduous.  I know it *can* be, but I don't think it always is.

This has been my experience as well, each of the three times I've been a bridesmaid.  The bride and groom were easygoing and that made each time fun.  This last time, the bride didn't even pick out a dress for us to wear; she told us, 'I don't care what your dress looks like, I'd just like it to be black.  Pick what you're comfortable in.'  That whole attitude just kind of permeated the wedding, so I was glad they'd asked me to be a part of it.
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LtPowers

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #20 on: October 25, 2014, 07:06:46 PM »
Well, Powers, that is how I read your strange admonition.

I wasn't admonishing anyone either.  All I was saying is that being a wedding attendant is an honor.  It has nothing at all to do with what the attendants are wearing (how you read that into my comment is beyond me), and the part about closeness was just an acknowledgement that my less-close friends were unlikely to select me for that honor.


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Ceallach

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #21 on: October 25, 2014, 07:21:32 PM »
Well, Powers, that is how I read your strange admonition.

I wasn't admonishing anyone either.  All I was saying is that being a wedding attendant is an honor.  It has nothing at all to do with what the attendants are wearing (how you read that into my comment is beyond me), and the part about closeness was just an acknowledgement that my less-close friends were unlikely to select me for that honor.


Powers  &8^]

FWIW I understand what you're saying.   I don't think you were admonishing anybody (although I guess somebody might think you were saying it was wrong not to want to be in a bridal party?)  because you're right, it's supposed to be an honour.  Not one that everybody should want to accept necessarily, but still an honour to be asked. 

In reality, we know it's not always about that - people have all sorts of bizarre reasons for how they choose their bridal party, as well as the situations such as these where people volunteer themselves / insert themselves into the bridal party!

But I too would like to have friends close enough to want me to stand up with them.   I have good friends, but due to moving so many times over the years I'm never the best or closest friend, always the new friend or the old friend who they only see once a year.  So while I think being in a bridal party can be a gigantic and expensive hassle, it would be nice to have friendships that close one day!  (I was one of my sister's bridesmaids, boy was that a big job!)
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HorseFreak

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #22 on: October 25, 2014, 07:22:31 PM »
A local radio show did a bit on one of the staff member's recent wedding. She was frustrated that her BMs didn't want to give up a ton of time to help her stuff invitations, put together centerpieces, ect. She declared that if she asked a friend to be a BM and the friend responded with, "What do I have to do?" instead of "What can I do for you?" that it would be a friendship ender. I found that completely ridiculous. Being a bridesmaid does not make you her on call servant! "Acceptable" reasons for declining included money or work commitments. Otherwise you had better be ready to pony up the dough for her wedding!

katycoo

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #23 on: October 26, 2014, 07:47:10 PM »
I've been a bridesmaid 3 times.

1 - for SIL where I blatantly felt like I was matching numbers.  We are not close, though that doesn't mean I don't like her.  It was an expensive venture, despite her not having any pre-wedding parties to be organised and paid for.  She also did not require anything of us other than turning up on the day.  But I paid $400 for the dress, $100 for the shoes, $80 for makeup, plus accomodation. 

2 - For a friend who I was surprised to be asked by.  While I like her very much I think she considers me a closer friend than I consider her.  Hers was trying due to dramas with the other BMs.  I hated the dress (which was $300 from memory) and hair and shoes (only $20, but hurt), but loved the flowers.  I organised a Hens but no shower was had.

3 - For a very close friend.  Expensive dress again (I think $300?) but at least I liked it.  Own shoes, no other expenses other than hens which was a reasonable affair.  It was low stress to be part of, although sadly the marriage ended within the year.

While I can't imagine a circumstance in which I'd refuse a request to be BM, it can be a LOT of work, and its extra hard to part with the cash (buying own dress is the norm in my circle, sometimes other expenses too) when you're not really feeling it.

KenveeB

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #24 on: October 27, 2014, 12:43:56 AM »
I was recently in my 9th wedding, and I'm hoping to be done with them for a while! I have to not jinx myself -- after Wedding #7, where I was maid of honor in a particularly demanding wedding, I happily said "No more being a bridesmaid!" I kid you not, one week later, another dear friend got engaged and asked me to be her bridesmaid. I accepted. Not long after, my brother got engaged and asked me to sing in his wedding. Of course I accepted. They ended up having the ceremony in SIL's home state and a reception in our home state the following weekend. And Other Friend's wedding was the week before. Three weekends in a row of weddings. Oy!

It's definitely an honor to be asked, and I would have a hard time saying no to someone who considered me close enough to ask. (Unless that was a very imagined closeness and I didn't feel it at all!) But wow, it can be a burden time-, energy-, and money-wise! I'd be seriously tempted to do the no attendants route if I got married. Of course, the other part of me wants to do it 27 Dresses style and have everyone I've been in their wedding turn up, preferably in the dress they forced me into. ;)

Announcing you (or anyone!) will be part of anyone else's wedding party is incredibly rude, precisely because it's meant to be such an indication of closeness. You don't get to decide that for anyone else.

CakeEater

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #25 on: October 27, 2014, 12:56:32 AM »
Well, Powers, that is how I read your strange admonition.

I wasn't admonishing anyone either.  All I was saying is that being a wedding attendant is an honor.  It has nothing at all to do with what the attendants are wearing (how you read that into my comment is beyond me), and the part about closeness was just an acknowledgement that my less-close friends were unlikely to select me for that honor.


Powers  &8^]

I agree. I don't have sisters, all my close cousins have enough sisters and close friends that I'd be well down the list, and I have one friend who would be likely to ask me, who probably won't get married any time soon.

I was a bridesmaid once, and would love to do it again. I love the whole wedding thing.


Team HoundMom

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #26 on: October 27, 2014, 11:24:27 AM »
My best friend lives in Texas and I live in Canada.  All I had to do was call her and say "Hey I'm getting married in Las Vegas on <this date> and I need you to be there."  No problem-o.  She was thrilled.

My husband's sister got married about 5 months after we did.  I was her bridesmaid and I totally should not have been.  I wasn't even asked, my mother-in-law just called and said "Meet us at the store to dry on your bridesmaid dress."  Uh, okay.  Problem was though that SIL had been out of the country for many years and literally had nobody to stand up with her here besides her cousin.  As her brother's wife I guess I was just picked as a default family member.  I didn't feel like I could decline since I had literally just joined that family.  SIL and I aren't friends, in fact we've barely had a conversation.  Yet there I was as her bridesmaid.  Very uncomfortable.

jedikaiti

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #27 on: October 27, 2014, 11:48:18 AM »
I think being an attendant can be fun.  You get to be involved with the wedding a bit more, be "behind the scenes" in a way, etc.  I guess it depends on who the bride/groom are, but in my experiences (myself as a bridesmaid, my husband as a groomsman in a different wedding), it wasn't too arduous.  I know it *can* be, but I don't think it always is.

It can be, but all 4 times I've done so I've been the out-of-towner, so I miss out on all the fun (and most of the stress) - I just spent $500 on a dress*, add on shoes & travel, and pose for pictures.

*$515 was the record for dress + alterations - $250 for the dress, $265 for the alterations as the dress was made for someone with Barbie Doll proportions so the entire top half had to be reshaped. The lowest was $80 for an off-the-rack very basic BM dress with little to no alterations.
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TootsNYC

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #28 on: October 27, 2014, 02:22:38 PM »
I don't think it's fair to add on travel if it's a wedding you probably would have attended anyway.

jedikaiti

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #29 on: October 27, 2014, 02:26:30 PM »
True, but often there is additional travel involved, even if only going a couple days early to help with last-minute details.
What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

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