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Author Topic: declaring someone part of the wedding party  (Read 16673 times)

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Ceallach

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #30 on: October 30, 2014, 06:15:07 PM »
I think being expected to pay more than $100 for a bridesmaids dress is unreasonable, I don't think I could ever justify that. 
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violinp

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #31 on: October 30, 2014, 06:36:30 PM »
I think being expected to pay more than $100 for a bridesmaids dress is unreasonable, I don't think I could ever justify that.

In all fairness, I knew girls who paid close to 300 dollars for a prom dress. To girls and women like that, an expensive dress would seem like no big deal. I would freak out if I paid more than 500 dollars for my own wedding dress, and wouldn't want my attendants to spend even 100 dollars, but I know many women who would gladly pay 5 grand for their wedding dress. It really depends on the circle and the expectations thereof.
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LtPowers

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #32 on: October 30, 2014, 08:30:20 PM »
I think being expected to pay more than $100 for a bridesmaids dress is unreasonable, I don't think I could ever justify that.

$100 doesn't buy much of a dress in the U.S., bridesmaid or not.

Well, let me amend that. You can get nice looking dresses for less than a C-spot. But new, high quality, fancy dresses cost $150-$300 (and up), even before you add in the wedding markup.


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sammycat

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #33 on: October 30, 2014, 08:47:23 PM »
In all fairness, I knew girls who paid close to 300 dollars for a prom dress. To girls and women like that, an expensive dress would seem like no big deal. I would freak out if I paid more than 500 dollars for my own wedding dress, and wouldn't want my attendants to spend even 100 dollars, but I know many women who would gladly pay 5 grand for their wedding dress. It really depends on the circle and the expectations thereof.

But that's benefiting themselves. Spending $300 on a bridesmaids dress for someone else's wedding isn't benefiting the buyer.  Just because I can afford to spend $300 on a dress doesn't mean I am willing to do so.

I spent about $200 on my formal dress, but I would never spend that on an outfit for someone else's occasion, nor would/did I expect my BMs to spend that on dresses for my wedding. For my wedding my mother bought all the fabric, zips, etc and the girls paid a nominal fee (I think about $30) for the dressmaker to make the beautiful gowns they ended up with.

LtPowers

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #34 on: October 31, 2014, 06:03:46 PM »
But that's benefiting themselves. Spending $300 on a bridesmaids dress for someone else's wedding isn't benefiting the buyer.

Er, yes, it is.  A bridesmaid's dress is attire, not a costume, and there's no rule that says you can't wear it again. Or re-sell it in the future.


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HannahGrace

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #35 on: October 31, 2014, 06:09:57 PM »
But that's benefiting themselves. Spending $300 on a bridesmaids dress for someone else's wedding isn't benefiting the buyer.

Er, yes, it is.  A bridesmaid's dress is attire, not a costume, and there's no rule that says you can't wear it again. Or re-sell it in the future.


Powers  &8^]

Good luck with that.

CocoCamm

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #36 on: October 31, 2014, 09:43:09 PM »
But that's benefiting themselves. Spending $300 on a bridesmaids dress for someone else's wedding isn't benefiting the buyer.

Er, yes, it is.  A bridesmaid's dress is attire, not a costume, and there's no rule that says you can't wear it again. Or re-sell it in the future.


Powers  &8^]

Good luck with that.

That seems unnecessarily snarky.

People most certainly do re-sell wedding/bridesmaid dresses. And gone are the days of the ugly big butt bow dresses. I have a bridesmaid dress (granted it's short and black) that I've re-worn many times over the past few years. The most recent wedding I attended the bridesmaids wore short grey dresses from JCrew. There are plenty of places you could wear that again.

For my own wedding I simply picked the color and the girls were free to choose the style. Most chose the long, more elegant, ballroom type gown but they could have picked a more versatile option.

Ceallach

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #37 on: November 01, 2014, 06:19:33 PM »
I think being expected to pay more than $100 for a bridesmaids dress is unreasonable, I don't think I could ever justify that.

$100 doesn't buy much of a dress in the U.S., bridesmaid or not.

Well, let me amend that. You can get nice looking dresses for less than a C-spot. But new, high quality, fancy dresses cost $150-$300 (and up), even before you add in the wedding markup.


Powers  &8^]

That's very interesting to learn, over here the perception is that everything is much cheaper to buy in the US, so I'd never heard that dresses were an exception.

For the record, I had an expensive wedding dress (which I bought myself) so it's not that I don't prioritize quality and I definitely appreciate the value of a great dress, I have a wardrobe full of beautiful gowns.   It's just so easy here to find nice formal gowns or cocktail gowns in the regular shops around the $100 mark, that make very lovely bridesmaids dresses.   I personally couldn't justify spending more money than that on a dress that somebody else selects, which may or may not be flattering to me, and which it's likely I wouldn't re-wear.   And I would never ever ask my friends to do so for me.  But I understand priorities and expectations differ.
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#borecore

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #38 on: November 02, 2014, 09:18:02 AM »
I think it's pretty easy to find nice, even beautiful dresses for under $100 (I say as a person whose closet doesn't include a dress that cost more than $80, and yes my wedding dress and bridesmaid dress are in there, along with 20 or so others, for all occasions).
However,  there is a definite bias toward buying dresses from wedding shops, marketed specifically as bridesmaids' dresses,  for weddings. And those often start just north of $100, whereas you could buy a decent monochromatic satin dress for reasonably less if it weren't marketed that way. It just might be harder for you to find that style and color in a half-dozen sizes at department stores.
The trend of similar rather than the same dresses is lovely,  in my opinion. The most beautiful one I have seen was a friend who is one of six sisters,  all of whom have married in the past two years.  For her wedding,  they all wore royal/bright blue, gold/yellow and white, or any combo thereof, and everyone's style came out; for another sister's wedding,  the theme was sparkly cocktail dresses in metallic colors, and it was simply stunning how they coordinated without clashing; for another,  they all wore pale pink/beige/cream. I think only one sister had them all in the exact same color.

ladyknight1

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #39 on: November 02, 2014, 11:22:03 AM »
The wedding we attended in July ended up with the bridesmaids and matron of honor all being in shades of purple and lilac. Different style dresses, but it was gorgeous to see the variety. The groomsmen and groom had different bow ties and wore light colored dress shirts. For an outdoor wedding, it was perfect.
ďAll that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
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TootsNYC

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #40 on: November 02, 2014, 03:01:18 PM »
I think being expected to pay more than $100 for a bridesmaids dress is unreasonable, I don't think I could ever justify that.

Now, in 2014, it's very difficult to find any dress that's under $100. (oh, sure, on sale...). Sad to say, but under $300 is a pretty good deal.

I don't think it's fair to add on travel if it's a wedding you probably would have attended anyway.
True, but often there is additional travel involved, even if only going a couple days early to help with last-minute details.

I don't know of any bridesmaids that traveled from out of town more than a day early (to be there for the rehearsal). Out of towners don't usually do that much to help with setup, and there's very little that can be done that far in advance, unless the wedding is in the bride's backyard. (All the venues are busy with other activities.)
   If they did coem more than a day early, I'd expect them to stay with the bride for those extra days instead of in a hotel (moving to the hotel the day before, is what I'd expect).

So you're talking one extra night in a hotel, on the occasion of the wedding of someone with whom you have a very close relationship. (When it's done right, the wedding party should be from the B&G's closest circle.)


Celany

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #41 on: November 02, 2014, 03:16:12 PM »
I think being expected to pay more than $100 for a bridesmaids dress is unreasonable, I don't think I could ever justify that.

Now, in 2014, it's very difficult to find any dress that's under $100. (oh, sure, on sale...). Sad to say, but under $300 is a pretty good deal.

I don't think it's fair to add on travel if it's a wedding you probably would have attended anyway.
True, but often there is additional travel involved, even if only going a couple days early to help with last-minute details.

I don't know of any bridesmaids that traveled from out of town more than a day early (to be there for the rehearsal). Out of towners don't usually do that much to help with setup, and there's very little that can be done that far in advance, unless the wedding is in the bride's backyard. (All the venues are busy with other activities.)
   If they did coem more than a day early, I'd expect them to stay with the bride for those extra days instead of in a hotel (moving to the hotel the day before, is what I'd expect).

So you're talking one extra night in a hotel, on the occasion of the wedding of someone with whom you have a very close relationship. (When it's done right, the wedding party should be from the B&G's closest circle.)

Really? I've been in 4 weddings, all of them out of town. 2 of them I had to get there at least 2 days early, because the flights/travel arrangements were terrible & I couldn't get one that day that would get me to the rehearsal in time. In each case, having at least another night (if not 2) in a hotel to pay for (because Bride-in-tiny-apartment or Bride-that-also-traveled-for-the-wedding-and-is-also-in-a-hotel-room are not Brides that are going to put me up that extra night or two), plus my dress/shoes for 2 of those weddings, plus a gift, plus car rental (or cab fare) added up to an awful lot of money, even for someone who I care about a lot. $500+. Which I've *never* asked a friend to shell out for me, and in the unlikely event that I *do* get married, if I had bridesmaids, I would certainly be sure not to insist they're putting out anywhere *near* that much money for me!

edited to make it a little clearer. I think I was half asleep when I wrote that yesterday!
« Last Edit: November 03, 2014, 09:44:53 AM by Celany »
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Ceallach

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #42 on: November 02, 2014, 03:56:05 PM »
I think it's pretty easy to find nice, even beautiful dresses for under $100 (I say as a person whose closet doesn't include a dress that cost more than $80, and yes my wedding dress and bridesmaid dress are in there, along with 20 or so others, for all occasions).
However,  there is a definite bias toward buying dresses from wedding shops, marketed specifically as bridesmaids' dresses,  for weddings. And those often start just north of $100, whereas you could buy a decent monochromatic satin dress for reasonably less if it weren't marketed that way. It just might be harder for you to find that style and color in a half-dozen sizes at department stores.
The trend of similar rather than the same dresses is lovely,  in my opinion. The most beautiful one I have seen was a friend who is one of six sisters,  all of whom have married in the past two years.  For her wedding,  they all wore royal/bright blue, gold/yellow and white, or any combo thereof, and everyone's style came out; for another sister's wedding,  the theme was sparkly cocktail dresses in metallic colors, and it was simply stunning how they coordinated without clashing; for another,  they all wore pale pink/beige/cream. I think only one sister had them all in the exact same color.

Ah yes, I have seen bridesmaids dresses in bridal shops, and the price tags on them... but nothing has been nicer in style or materials than the dresses in the regular formal shops.     I've actually never been involved in a wedding where the bridesmaids dresses were purchased from as "official" bridesmaids dresses, they were just from normal womenswear, formal wear or department stores.   So I can definitely see how people *could* spend that much, I just personally would not do it, regardless of whose wedding it was.   

The bridal parties you describe sound lovely.
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lmyrs

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #43 on: November 03, 2014, 09:35:27 AM »
Where I live, there are not a lot of department stores. And the ones we do have don't usallyhave anything suitable for a formal wedding. There are a few dress shops and some bridal shops and that's where you have to buy your dresses unless you're going to go on a weekend road trip at least 8 hours away to go shopping at a bigger centre. And, even then, you're not getting the big US department stores.

That said, my bridesmaids paid $18 for their dresses - we got them on clearance at Sears. It was not a formal wedding at all.

I've been a bridesmaid 6 times, twice for friends, four times for family (sisters/cousins). The most expensive dress was over $300. The least was about $80. The only one I ever, ever wore again was the $80 one. I hated all of the other 5. Two had potential for style but they were cheap and ill-fitting.

I completely understand that being asked to be a BM is an honour and I've been honoured every time I've been asked. It doesn't mean that I didn't literally do a happy dance when one of my good friends asked me to MC her wedding, rather than be a bridesmaid. I was so, so happy.

Finally, I've never been in a wedding that was in the town I live in. So, I traveled for all. Most were within 3 hours drive, but one was a plane ride and one was about 6 hours drive. The involvement in pre-wedding activities varied. For one wedding, I did go up 4 days early, but that was family and the wedding was at the family home, so I was helping set up and I stayed with them, so it was just extra time off work.

I think that being in a wedding can be a great and fun bonding experience or it can be a stressful and annoying burden and it all depends on the personalities involved - HC and the party. The Bride often takes all the flak for being a bridezilla and having too high expectations. But, I've seen more than one BM get a bit carried away with how they think certain things should go and it can cause a lot of hard feelings. If a Bride is ridiculously high-maintenance, that's not always a bad thing. If her bridesmaids are the same way, it can actually work out OK. It's when there are differing expectations that people end up ruining friendships.

TootsNYC

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Re: declaring someone part of the wedding party
« Reply #44 on: November 03, 2014, 09:43:53 AM »


Really? I've been in 4 weddings, all of them out of town. 2 of them I had to get there at least 2 days early, because the flights/travel arrangements were terrible & I couldn't get one that day that would get me to the rehearsal in time. In each case, having at least another night (if not 2) in a hotel to pay for (because Bride's in tiny apartment or Bride's that also traveled for the wedding and are also in a hotel room are not Brides that are going to put me up that extra night or two), plus my dress/shoes for 2 of those weddings, plus a gift, plus car rental (or cab fare) added up to an awful lot of money, even for someone who I care about a lot. $500+. Which I've *never* asked a friend to shell out for me, and in the unlikely event that I *do* get married, if I had bridesmaids, I would certainly be sure not to insist they're putting out anywhere *near* that much money for me!

I don't think that's at all universal. So the quirks you ran into aren't universal. It's just how it played out for you. And I would think that if that was not something you were spending willingly, you could skip the rehearsal.

Gift doesn't count against bridesmaid expenses. Not if you'd give that person a gift anyway--and presumably you would, because you shouldn't be asked to be a bridesmaid if you're not close enough to give a gift even without the honor.

Any travel expense, including car rental, that you'd normally assume were you to travel as a guest is not fair to count as a bridesmaid expense, against the bride's "account."

And if you do get married? You may find that your friends are shelling out $500 without a lot of extra effort too--just like you did.

Your bride wasn't asking that much extra--she would like you there for the rehearsal, and hopefully that was a bit of time together (even if it was time focused around the wedding instead of on "hanging out"; that counts as "together" time, sometimes even more powerfully in my own experience).