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Author Topic: S/O declaring some *act* part of the wedding *ceremony*  (Read 21543 times)

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kherbert05

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Re: S/O declaring some *act* part of the wedding *ceremony*
« Reply #15 on: November 02, 2014, 05:24:01 PM »
Like TootsNYC I have one from the reception


Friend's in-laws sent her step daughter around begging for money from guests. She was quickly stopped by her father, the groom. Groom's brother tried to start it up again. Groom walked his brother out of the reception and told him to quit it or leave.


Thing is the Groom's family for several years felt that friend and friend's family looked down on them.  They were from the same general neighborhood but the Bride was from the "rich" side of the tracks. The bride's mother was shy and soft spoken that was taken as snobby. The bride's father met the family once, before he passed away. He invited them out and took them to a place he was well known. Which was taken as showing off.
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Library Dragon

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Re: S/O declaring some *act* part of the wedding *ceremony*
« Reply #16 on: November 02, 2014, 05:44:41 PM »

That is done at a lot of Catholic weddings which have some pretty strict rules about what music and actions are allowed in liturgies.

I had no idea that it came from General Hospital's Luke and Laura wedding. I wish I didn't know. As I recall, Luke and Laura's relationship started out very poorly.  Now I'm going to think of that whenever I see a couple doing the Unity candle.

You're right that there are specific rules about music.  From the US Council of Catholic Bishops:

Some policies specifically prohibit use of songs such as Lohengrin's "Here Comes the Bride" and "Midsummer Night's Dream".

Unity Candle
Although lighting a "unity candle" is not part of the Rite of Marriage it has become very popular as an additional ritual. Most policies do not prohibit this custom but many suggest that it be done at the reception since the Rite of Marriage already has abundant symbols of unity. Cincinnati's Celebrating Marriage booklet has a pastoral explanation for this. If the unity candle is used, the couple should light their individual candles from the paschal candle, the individual candles should not be extinguished, and the candle should not be placed on the altar. The Sioux City policy reinterprets the unity candle as the "Christ candle." Liturgists continue to discuss the use and conflicting meanings of the unity candle.


As I said, it's not a disagreement that DH invests much time in.  His frustration came from the coordinator insisting the HCs have one.

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TootsNYC

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Re: S/O declaring some *act* part of the wedding *ceremony*
« Reply #17 on: November 02, 2014, 05:57:19 PM »
The candle is supposed to show the light of Christ, which is why there are baptism candles. There's no provision for it in the Rite of Marriage which is why some churches forbid it.

I've seen it done in religious weddings, but there's never any mention of it being the light of Christ. I never thought of it in that regard at all.

Katana_Geldar

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Re: S/O declaring some *act* part of the wedding *ceremony*
« Reply #18 on: November 02, 2014, 06:44:00 PM »
It goes back to my catholic school, lighting a candle means Jesus is there. That's why there are no candles on Good Friday or Easter Saturday.

I'm lapsed, BTW, but there's some things you don't forget.

TootsNYC

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Re: S/O declaring some *act* part of the wedding *ceremony*
« Reply #19 on: November 02, 2014, 08:06:22 PM »
But the candles on the altar are already lit; I'm Lutheran, and that's our signal that the Spirit of God is present. Other candles (like the Advent wreath) have nothing to do with the invocation of God.

At least, not without explicitly stating (we pass a light around on candles for the Easter Vigil, chanting "the light of Christ," but that's pretty clear. There's -never- been any verbiage around a unity candle at all, or if there is, it's about "two families" or something.

So I've always thought that the unity candle is not the light of Christ--the altar candles are.

And in fact--from a Catholic wedding resource:


Quote
The unity candle symbolizes two lives now joined together in marriage and can be easily and elegantly incorporated into a meal prayer at your wedding reception.
...
May this candle that they light,
remind them of the unbreakable bond they now share.
...
We now light this candle to remind us of our unbreakable bond.

- See more at: http://togetherforlifeonline.com/unity-candle-ceremony/#sthash.IodKmZew.dpuf

No mention of the Lord.

Celany

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Re: S/O declaring some *act* part of the wedding *ceremony*
« Reply #20 on: November 02, 2014, 08:39:06 PM »
Not the ceremony, and not in my own life, but I remember hearing a story about a couple who didn't want to do the dollar dance, even though it was pretty traditional in the bride's culture.

At the reception, the bride's aunts commandeered the dance floor and started announcing/arranging the dollar dance and collecting the money.

*cringe*

I'd forgotten, that happened at one of my cousin's weddings too. I was fairly young at the time (I think around 12) and I remember there being a weird undercurrent to things, because a large chunk of the people were delighted (dollar dance, yay!) and another chunk were horrified (ooooh, the tackiness!). The whole room felt awkward until it was over.  :-\
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daen

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Re: S/O declaring some *act* part of the wedding *ceremony*
« Reply #21 on: November 03, 2014, 07:07:12 AM »
Not the ceremony, and not in my own life, but I remember hearing a story about a couple who didn't want to do the dollar dance, even though it was pretty traditional in the bride's culture.

At the reception, the bride's aunts commandeered the dance floor and started announcing/arranging the dollar dance and collecting the money.

*cringe*

I'd forgotten, that happened at one of my cousin's weddings too. I was fairly young at the time (I think around 12) and I remember there being a weird undercurrent to things, because a large chunk of the people were delighted (dollar dance, yay!) and another chunk were horrified (ooooh, the tackiness!). The whole room felt awkward until it was over.  :-\

Ah, that reminds me. At a wedding reception I attended, one of the uncles (of the groom, I believe) took over the microphone, told us about a lovely ethnic custom where a boot is passed around the hall to collect money for the honeymoon, and proceeded to pass the boot around whilst exhorting all and sundry to be generous.

The ethnicity that originated that custom was not known to be part of the heritage of bride or groom. At all. I thought it was quite "off."

Margo

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Re: S/O declaring some *act* part of the wedding *ceremony*
« Reply #22 on: November 03, 2014, 07:25:38 AM »
I had to go and google 'Unity Candle' - I've never come across it. (I'm in the UK - I think, Library Dragon, you might find a British Army chaplain just as unfamiliar with it today as they were in 1982 - I don;t think it is a custom which has made it across the Atlantic (yet!) )

My aunt has a toy about being told by the wife of the vicar who was to perform the ceremony for her and her husband that they *couldn't* get married without having the church decorated. Not shouldn't, but couldn't.

(And then a little later, the vicar contacted them, worried, to explain that there was now going to be another wedding in the church  before theirs, and would it be a problem if that couple's flowers were still in the church. I think that because it was so unusual not to have lots of flowers that he thought thy might have some specific objection. My aunt reassured him that the only reason they weren't decorating the church was that they were on a tight budget and that no, having someone else's flowers left in the church would not be an issue!

VorFemme

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Re: S/O declaring some *act* part of the wedding *ceremony*
« Reply #23 on: November 03, 2014, 08:41:47 AM »
It's the Unity Candle.  There is some discussion that was around before 1981, but the wedding of Luke and Laura on General Hospital made it a craze and the insistence that all weddings had to have one and that they had always been part of the ceremony.

Full disclosure: I had one at my wedding in 1982.  The British Army chaplain that witnessed our sacramental marriage had never seen one before.  To be honest in all the years I had set up for weddings I'd never seen one, but I was a big General Hospital fan at the time and they were in all the wedding supply catalogs that year. 

The pastor of a local Episcopal church won't have it in the church in suggests doing it at the reception if the couple wants one.

We might have had a Unity candle at our wedding in 1975, but only because the church was still decorated from an earlier wedding and that couple had had one.  One of the church staff went in to light it before we came down the aisle, I assume so it looked nice - but our budget hadn't stretched to flowers and three giant candelabra (three candles in one giant branch to one side, mirrored by an identical three candles in another giant branch to the other side, and one large candle in the front & center, surrounded by flowers)...I think the guy didn't want the unlit candles in the background...the seven candles did look nice...

I suppose, since we didn't light it, it wasn't a Unity candle for us.

Since we aren't Catholic (Southern Baptist church), it might or might not have symbolized the light of Christ or it might have been pure decoration - I have no idea who the other couple were...
« Last Edit: November 03, 2014, 08:49:02 AM by VorFemme »
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Twik

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Re: S/O declaring some *act* part of the wedding *ceremony*
« Reply #24 on: November 03, 2014, 09:59:49 AM »
DH handles the pre-marriage counseling and prep for parishioners.  We have a parish wedding coordinator.  The current coordinator works well with him.  The previous one was horrible. 

There is a common wedding act that originated on a soap opera.  It has no sacramental basis.  DH will explain this and some HCs will opt not to do it.  (If they do DH says okay and moves on.) The previous coordinator would harshly insist that they include it.  Poor couples would be confused.  It's one reason she is the ex coordinator. 

DH insists that he only discusses the weddings with the HCs.  He too often acts as the referee between families trying to make changes that he know HCs don't want.

All that's really necessary in most western jurisdictions is for a legal representative to ask if people want to get married, and for them to say yes, then sign the paperwork.

My father told me a story of a judge friend back in the 1960s who had two young hippy-types come to him for a wedding. For some reason, the judge believed that a ring was an absolute necessity. The young couple didn't have one. They ending up winding the groom's love beads around her finger when the "put the ring on her finger" part came up.
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Lynn2000

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Re: S/O declaring some *act* part of the wedding *ceremony*
« Reply #25 on: November 03, 2014, 10:27:42 AM »
My father told me a story of a judge friend back in the 1960s who had two young hippy-types come to him for a wedding. For some reason, the judge believed that a ring was an absolute necessity. The young couple didn't have one. They ending up winding the groom's love beads around her finger when the "put the ring on her finger" part came up.

And that's also a staple of movie and TV weddings, usually those with a humorous and/or spontaneous bent--the two people suddenly decide to get married in some odd circumstance, like after defeating the attacking zombies or surviving a shipwreck, and someone's like, "You need a ring!" so they borrow one from someone else, or make one out of tinfoil, or whatever. Or the couple have had a "wacky wedding" where everything went wrong, including losing the ring, so they have to make do with something else. I expect in some time and place there was indeed a law that for a marriage to be valid it required a ring and that just kind of carried over.

I said in another thread how a friend had decided she would not have any attendants, but prior to the wedding, her stepmother decided stepmother's young daughter (friend's half-sister) could be the flower girl, and got the girl all excited about it, and my friend felt she had to agree. Then, on the actual wedding day, the stepmother produced a young boy in a tux and paired him with the flower girl as ring bearer (though I don't know if he actually had hold of the ring or not), to walk down the aisle before the bride. My friend the bride had no clue who the boy was, only that he was some relative of her stepmother's. In the moment my friend let it proceed as that seemed the most gracious option at the time--they were moving a thousand miles away after the wedding anyway.
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jedikaiti

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Re: S/O declaring some *act* part of the wedding *ceremony*
« Reply #26 on: November 03, 2014, 03:15:52 PM »
Not the ceremony, and not in my own life, but I remember hearing a story about a couple who didn't want to do the dollar dance, even though it was pretty traditional in the bride's culture.

At the reception, the bride's aunts commandeered the dance floor and started announcing/arranging the dollar dance and collecting the money.

*cringe*

I'd forgotten, that happened at one of my cousin's weddings too. I was fairly young at the time (I think around 12) and I remember there being a weird undercurrent to things, because a large chunk of the people were delighted (dollar dance, yay!) and another chunk were horrified (ooooh, the tackiness!). The whole room felt awkward until it was over.  :-\

What did those poor HC's do?!
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Celany

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Re: S/O declaring some *act* part of the wedding *ceremony*
« Reply #27 on: November 03, 2014, 03:19:59 PM »
Not the ceremony, and not in my own life, but I remember hearing a story about a couple who didn't want to do the dollar dance, even though it was pretty traditional in the bride's culture.

At the reception, the bride's aunts commandeered the dance floor and started announcing/arranging the dollar dance and collecting the money.

*cringe*

I'd forgotten, that happened at one of my cousin's weddings too. I was fairly young at the time (I think around 12) and I remember there being a weird undercurrent to things, because a large chunk of the people were delighted (dollar dance, yay!) and another chunk were horrified (ooooh, the tackiness!). The whole room felt awkward until it was over.  :-\

What did those poor HC's do?!

Well, the bride's mom was one of the people organizing the dollar dance, and if I remember correctly, the bride went along with it with a slightly confused smile (she seemed to be vaguely aware that something was going on, but not sure what). The groom's family, I'm guessing, had more of the people who were scandalized, but I didn't know him, or his family very well, so I'm not sure what (if anything) they did. Nothing obvious happened where someone tried to stop the dance. There was just a lot of tension and people looking various amounts of baffled/offended/confused, depending on how they felt about the dollar dance.
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KenveeB

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Re: S/O declaring some *act* part of the wedding *ceremony*
« Reply #28 on: November 03, 2014, 08:23:17 PM »
Lighting a Unity Candle was around long before Luke and Laura's wedding.  All my friends and relatives and I had one when we married in the late 60's and the 70's.

My parents were married in 1973 and had a unity candle. My mom always talks proudly about how they were the first in their small town to do one, and afterwards all the couples did them. Luke & Laura might've made it more popular, but it definitely didn't start there.

Elisabunny

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Re: S/O declaring some *act* part of the wedding *ceremony*
« Reply #29 on: November 08, 2014, 04:20:19 PM »

And my MIL started bringing rice from home (in the Carolina box!) once the brides stopped handing out things to throw, or started using birdseed. I mentioned the reasons why no rice a few times, and then she stopped.

According to Snopes, rice does not harm birds.  The only danger it actually poses is that people might slip on it.
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