News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • November 24, 2017, 03:45:51 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: Being told what you "have" to do  (Read 17601 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

goldilocks

  • Member
  • Posts: 845
Being told what you "have" to do
« on: November 11, 2014, 01:58:31 PM »
I've just started the wedding planning process, and I have less than 3 months to get this together.   Already I've been told:

1.  The number of attendants MUST match!!   Or what, the marriage is invalid?   Unfortunately, I lost this one, and bride was pressured to select more maids.
2.  You MUST have a wedding program!    Why, will people not know they are at a wedding otherwise?    I really don't have time to put one together, but you feel free to do so.  Bride and groom don't care.
3.  You MUST have boutinieres for the men and corsages for the mothers/grandmothers.   Again - why?   I personally don't want a corsage flapping around on my chest all night.   If it will make the grandmothers happy, I'll do it.   but I really don't imagine the groomsmen will care.  I'll let the groom call this one.
4.   You MUST have readings during the wedding.   So far bride is refusing to  have any readings, she hates sappy love poems and such.

Fortunately bride is not much of a pushover and neither am I.   I don't mind people giving me their opinions or telling what they've seen at other weddings - its the words "YOU HAVE TO" that bothers me.

TootsNYC

  • Member
  • Posts: 33792
Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2014, 02:13:08 PM »
My favorite cousin likes to tell the story of how, when they were getting married, his bride's mother told  you, "It's a wedding, you have to have flowers!"

She really didn't know him very well. He's incredibly logical, and very very predisposed to reject those sorts of absolutes simply because they exist.

So he said, "No, we don't."

Then, he said to me, "If you tell me, 'your bride wants to have flowers,' I'm going to be all for that, and I'll fight anybody who tries to stop me hiring a florist. But don't tell me I 'have to' have flowers."

goldilocks

  • Member
  • Posts: 845
Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2014, 02:23:24 PM »
I agree and that's how I feel.   most of the things I'm being told i HAVE to do are things that didn't exist until a few years ago (like wedding programs), and in my mind are unnecessary expense.   I'm not made of money and I'm trying to throw the nicest possible wedding on my budget, so I'm eliminating things that cost and don't really add to the wedding.

TootsNYC

  • Member
  • Posts: 33792
Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2014, 02:34:33 PM »
I admit, I do like programs. (Of course, I'm in publishing.) I like to be able to "introduce" people who are in the wedding party. And my own wedding had a hymn, and responsive singing, etc., and lots of people weren't from my church denomination.
     But I also think people just throw them away, and I'd totally do them in black-and-white on plain paper at Kinko's.

Lynn2000

  • Member
  • Posts: 8322
Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2014, 02:36:41 PM »
I would treat these comments as fantasies. Like imagine the person saying that if they were getting married right now, they would have X or Y or Z. It really has no bearing on what you and the HC are going to do--I mean is Grandma going to turn around and walk out if she doesn't get a program? So you could reply, "Yes, I'm sure that would be nice," and just go on with life. Or imagine it's just a quirk of phrasing, like if someone says, "You just have to try this restaurant, it's awesome!" what they usually mean is, "This restaurant is awesome, I recommend it."

Also you may want to stop sharing so many planning details with pushy people, if there are certain ones who come up with "suggestions" all the time. They don't really need to know how many attendants are being planned or whatever. Some people feel like any information they're told, is information they get to judge and express an opinion on.

You could also try, "You're right, I think we do need a program. Thanks for volunteering to handle that!" and see what happens. :)
~Lynn2000

goldilocks

  • Member
  • Posts: 845
Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #5 on: November 11, 2014, 02:41:14 PM »
And all that is great, and I assumed you wanted it.   I have several readings that I'd love to include in the ceremony, but the bride says no.

If she wants a program, I'll assign someone to get it together.

It's just the whole idea of someone (and usually it's someone that isn't even that close to the bride) telling what I MUST do.

I just got some more:

1.  Bride must wear a veil.   No - she doesn't want to.
2.  EVERYBODY does "first look" now.   well, my bride and groom don't want to.
3.  we MUST have children in the wedding, (and usually this is followed by the suggestion of the child they are related to).    NO, no and no again.    I'm not grabbing random children just for the sake of having kids in the wedding.

cabbagegirl28

  • Member
  • Posts: 1123
  • violinp's my sister :)
Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #6 on: November 11, 2014, 02:45:37 PM »
And all that is great, and I assumed you wanted it.   I have several readings that I'd love to include in the ceremony, but the bride says no.

If she wants a program, I'll assign someone to get it together.

It's just the whole idea of someone (and usually it's someone that isn't even that close to the bride) telling what I MUST do.

I just got some more:

1.  Bride must wear a veil.   No - she doesn't want to.
2.  EVERYBODY does "first look" now.   well, my bride and groom don't want to.
3.  we MUST have children in the wedding, (and usually this is followed by the suggestion of the child they are related to).    NO, no and no again.    I'm not grabbing random children just for the sake of having kids in the wedding.

POD to the bolded. Not everyone wants kids in their wedding (Unless there's a very good reason, I wouldn't have kids in my wedding), and not every kid wants to be on display like that.




Vita brevis, ars longa

wolfie

  • I don't know what this is so I am putting random words here
  • Member
  • Posts: 6894
Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #7 on: November 11, 2014, 02:49:41 PM »
And all that is great, and I assumed you wanted it.   I have several readings that I'd love to include in the ceremony, but the bride says no.

If she wants a program, I'll assign someone to get it together.

It's just the whole idea of someone (and usually it's someone that isn't even that close to the bride) telling what I MUST do.

I just got some more:

1.  Bride must wear a veil.   No - she doesn't want to.
2.  EVERYBODY does "first look" now.   well, my bride and groom don't want to.
3.  we MUST have children in the wedding, (and usually this is followed by the suggestion of the child they are related to).    NO, no and no again.    I'm not grabbing random children just for the sake of having kids in the wedding.

What's first look?

cabbagegirl28

  • Member
  • Posts: 1123
  • violinp's my sister :)
Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #8 on: November 11, 2014, 02:50:31 PM »
And all that is great, and I assumed you wanted it.   I have several readings that I'd love to include in the ceremony, but the bride says no.

If she wants a program, I'll assign someone to get it together.

It's just the whole idea of someone (and usually it's someone that isn't even that close to the bride) telling what I MUST do.

I just got some more:

1.  Bride must wear a veil.   No - she doesn't want to.
2.  EVERYBODY does "first look" now.   well, my bride and groom don't want to.
3.  we MUST have children in the wedding, (and usually this is followed by the suggestion of the child they are related to).    NO, no and no again.    I'm not grabbing random children just for the sake of having kids in the wedding.

What's first look?

Bride and groom seeing each other before the ceremony. It gives them some "alone time".




Vita brevis, ars longa

peaches

  • Member
  • Posts: 1073
Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #9 on: November 11, 2014, 02:54:18 PM »
None of those are musts - not a single one.

Besides, who wants a "generic" wedding where every single thing is predictable?

I much prefer attending weddings that are personal and where every detail isn't preprogrammed.

goldilocks

  • Member
  • Posts: 845
Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #10 on: November 11, 2014, 03:27:46 PM »
And all that is great, and I assumed you wanted it.   I have several readings that I'd love to include in the ceremony, but the bride says no.

If she wants a program, I'll assign someone to get it together.

It's just the whole idea of someone (and usually it's someone that isn't even that close to the bride) telling what I MUST do.

I just got some more:

1.  Bride must wear a veil.   No - she doesn't want to.
2.  EVERYBODY does "first look" now.   well, my bride and groom don't want to.
3.  we MUST have children in the wedding, (and usually this is followed by the suggestion of the child they are related to).    NO, no and no again.    I'm not grabbing random children just for the sake of having kids in the wedding.

What's first look?

Bride and groom seeing each other before the ceremony. It gives them some "alone time".


No - it doesn't, because there is a photographer on hand to capture "the magic".   

auntmeegs

  • Member
  • Posts: 3466
Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #11 on: November 11, 2014, 03:28:46 PM »
And all that is great, and I assumed you wanted it.   I have several readings that I'd love to include in the ceremony, but the bride says no.

If she wants a program, I'll assign someone to get it together.

It's just the whole idea of someone (and usually it's someone that isn't even that close to the bride) telling what I MUST do.

I just got some more:

1.  Bride must wear a veil.   No - she doesn't want to.
2.  EVERYBODY does "first look" now.   well, my bride and groom don't want to.
3.  we MUST have children in the wedding, (and usually this is followed by the suggestion of the child they are related to).    NO, no and no again.    I'm not grabbing random children just for the sake of having kids in the wedding.

What's first look?

Bride and groom seeing each other before the ceremony. It gives them some "alone time".

And much of the time its done so that some of the photos can be taken before hand, thereby not having to take all of them after the ceremony and miss the cocktail hour. 

Alicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 774
Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #12 on: November 11, 2014, 03:28:52 PM »
I think the musts are :
an adult consenting  couple to be married
an officiant
two adult witnesses

Everything else is a choice


TootsNYC

  • Member
  • Posts: 33792
Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #13 on: November 11, 2014, 03:29:34 PM »
Even the two adult witnesses are not always required--each state has its own requirements.

wolfie

  • I don't know what this is so I am putting random words here
  • Member
  • Posts: 6894
Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #14 on: November 11, 2014, 03:30:41 PM »
I think the musts are :
an adult consenting  couple to be married
an officiant
two adult witnesses

Everything else is a choice

A valid license. Or whatever paperwork the state/county says must be done for the marriage to be legally valid.